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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

That feeling in your stomach when you know

36 replies

Whatintheworldgirl · 04/09/2023 09:09

I've barely slept. In all honesty I probably took too many of my medications last night just to try and sleep. (Diazepam, cyclizine)

You know that feeling when you've had really bad news? Like your stomachs dropped but you feel you could throw up, your chest is aching but it feels like you're holding your breath? I've had that now for the last 18 hours. It physically hurts!

My partner is an alcoholic. I know it, his family knows it, he doesn't. He woke up in a toilet somewhere late last night and apparently walked home. I hadn't heard from him all day. He didn't reply to messages, he just showed up completely smashed. Couldn't open the door. Managed to make himself a packet of microwave rice and get some of it on his plate before he took it to bed with him. I had placed my engagement ring on the side, 1) out of frustration and 2) because I'm a jeweller and I know hand creams mess it up (so when I moisturise at night I tend to take it off)
He picked my ring up and threw it at me, saying I should be wearing it and there's no excuse.

I hate him when he's drunk. I don't recognise him when he's drunk. I'm so unhappy I can feel my body literally rejecting the thoughts of him. I'm in the sitting room while he's still passed out in bed. I feel so sick to my core that I can't move! Maybe this is the time I choose to accept, sometimes love isn't enough? Sometimes we have to love ourselves more and leave 😭

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 04/09/2023 09:16

Run, run, run OP. Life with an alcoholic is hell. You can’t help or heal him. It’s worst for their children. Just end this now, please.

TheFabledSnake · 04/09/2023 09:17

Have been in this exact situation. Tell him to leave, it won't get any better.

Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 04/09/2023 09:20

@Ofcourseshecan how do I do it though? This sick feeling is honestly making it hard for me to lift my head let alone have a 'conversation' once he wakes up. I can't handle his 'it won't happen again' or his 'I'll change' again. I genuinely feel like I've got a hatred towards him but I also love him. Does that make sense? I'm scared to end it, I'm scared to leave but I can't shake the feeling that this is making me so ill 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 04/09/2023 09:21

TheFabledSnake · 04/09/2023 09:17

Have been in this exact situation. Tell him to leave, it won't get any better.

He says it helps him sleep, is that the same? I feel so out of my depth

OP posts:
Starlia · 04/09/2023 10:29

Getting smashed helps him sleep?

Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 04/09/2023 10:33

Starlia · 04/09/2023 10:29

Getting smashed helps him sleep?

Apparently. I don't know. I've never drank alcohol. He's on anti depressants and beta blockers for anxiety. He drinks and drinks until he falls asleep every night. He's obviously unhappy and I've tried to help him, find out what's wrong and what we can do but nothing is working

OP posts:
BiscuitsandPuffin · 04/09/2023 10:34

Whatintheworldgirl · 04/09/2023 09:21

He says it helps him sleep, is that the same? I feel so out of my depth

Show quote history

An alcoholic doesn't ever have a reason to drink, just an excuse. You can't fix them. Only they can fix them, and they have to want to, which is why so few do. Not only do they have to want to, but they have to have the inner energy to take action and follow through, and the understanding of their condition to stay dry once they stop.
My dad died of alcoholism. There was always an explanation. All you can do is stop them dragging you down with them. I'm sorry. It really hurts when you can see who they would have been if this hadn't happened but you can't reach that person because they're just an echo, they're not really there anymore.
You will never have the happy life you need and deserve if you stay in this relationship.
I'd say "sorry, this isn't working," and take it from there. They'll want a long back and forth, alcoholics always think they can negotiate with life, but stay resolute and at the end of it, they need to move out immediately or they'll stay forever.

DoctorTeeCee · 04/09/2023 10:36

Drinking alcohol doesn’t help with sleep - quite the opposite in fact.
If I were in your shoes I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over and walk away. Throwing the ring at you is just the start I suspect…

Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 04/09/2023 10:38

@BiscuitsandPuffin thank you. I'm sitting out in the beautiful sun. I feel like I've made peace with it. That this is it. I'm just dreading him waking and having the conversation. I feel like I don't have the energy anymore

OP posts:
Starlia · 04/09/2023 10:45

Even if he is desperately sick and unhappy, it has to be his choice not to drink. You can’t do that for him.

The alcohol will be undoing the work of the medication and wreaking havoc in many other ways.

I know you love him but my question is, does he love you? When you tell him you’re done, a man who loves you will go and get help, go to rehab, see a million doctors, do the work, whatever it takes. He will do it on his own - not driven by you, not because you ring the doctor for him or pay for rehab for him.

And even then, you have to love yourself more than accept that this is your life. You didn’t cause it and you can’t fix it. Love yourself and walk away.

Netcam · 04/09/2023 11:04

You are doing the right thing leaving. I should have done the same with my ex, instead of marrying him and having kids with him. I don't regret having my wonderful kids but I do regret all the pain and suffering the break up and his drinking caused. Do it now and move on, you are not responsible for his recovery, only he is.

Maddy70 · 04/09/2023 11:12

Just pack. Go to a parents or siblings house.

I've been there. I just felt revulsion

If you co own the house. Ask your mortgage brokers advise on what to do.

Don't have a conversation with him.

Just send a message saying I am leaving you. I can't cope woth your drinking. I'm blocking you so you can't message me. I'll be in touch

Then you block him.

You only unblock to arrange collection of belongings. Any other meetings eg to sort the house etc. You meet in Costa.

TheSkull · 04/09/2023 11:14

I feel your pain. I was in this situation with now DH for too many years. He wanted to change. He hasn’t drunk alcohol for 21 years now. The person has to want to change. All the wishing and pleading in the world won’t change them. They have to really want to do it. I was lucky x

Olika · 04/09/2023 11:19

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Please find the courage to just end this relationship as it won't get any better. You cannot build a balanced life with him and possible bring children into this world with him. I know it's hard to walk away to unknown but it will be so worth it along the line. Flowers

Pebblesflintstoneandbambamrubble · 04/09/2023 11:36

Please please please walk away
I've been here-nothing will change-he doesn't want it enough
They'll always be a reason
There'll always be an excuse
He will drag you down with him
It's scary-but I promise it will get better the moment you walk away
A year from now,you'll be thanking your lucky stars that you found the strength to go
I look back now and can't believe I wasted all those years on him
Sending strength and love

thesugarbumfairy · 04/09/2023 11:36

OP get out now. Before you're in deeper. You can't help him. Only he can help him and if he doesn't want to, then this is your life. Forever. And it gets worse.

My 'D'H is an alcoholic. He had a stroke in July. Most likely because he's an alcoholic (he denies that of course) I didn't call the ambulance for hours because he looked and behaved like he was drunk. I felt guilty about that at first, but I realise its not my fault that I made an assumption that he was pissed at 7.30 in the morning, having seen it many times before. He came home from hospital after a month looking the healthiest he's been in years because of course no alcohol and being fed regular meals and supplements. We thought we had the old DH back.
He started drinking again a few days later.
I could honestly smack him. But I don't. I have finally 'separated' from him because after years of shit his drinking after so many people saved his life was the final straw, but of course I cannot physically separate from him - I am currently stuck with him, because he can't cope alone and he has no-one else and is too young to move to assisted care and too 'capable' to move into the residential care for younger people.

Leave. Now. You don't want this.

pikkumyy77 · 04/09/2023 11:38

What conversation? Leave the ring, oack, and go.

RatherBeRiding · 04/09/2023 11:45

I have to agree with the PP - don't have a conversation or you will get sucked back in. Leave the ring. Take your stuff. Go. Leave a note it you must - keep it simple. Along the lines of this is no longer working for me and I am ending it.

You can't fix him.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2023 11:48

You have to leave this man, he will ruin your life if you don't. Marrying him would be the biggest mistake you could possibly make, and having children with him is absolutely out of the question. You have got to leave, right now.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2023 11:49

Don't even waste your time having a "conversation." He will only manipulate you to stay, saying you are the one with the problem, that he'll kill himself if you leave.

Don't talk to him. Just get out.

HerAvatar · 04/09/2023 11:50

Contacting AlAnon would be a good idea for you OP, it's for the families/loved ones of alcoholics and they will understand the conflict you're feeling completely, and be able to support you while you separate from him. I'm so sorry you're in this position but, as the mantra goes, you didn't cause this, you can't change it and you can't control it, all you can do is save yourself Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2023 11:55

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Those are the 3cs re alcoholism.

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. And in addition all he will hear from you is white noise.

BTW did you see a parent drink heavily in your childhood?.

You're mixing up love here with codependency. You're also playing out the usual roles associated with such partners; enabler, codependent and provoker (because you never forget). You cannot help him and he does not want your support or "help" and besides which you are too close to be of any real use to him anyway. This is how your life will be going forward too if you remain with him.

You can only help your own self ultimately and you'd be a fool now not to get away from him completely.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2023 11:56

No more conversations with him are to be had. You also need to get off this merry go around that is alcoholism.

Legocrayola · 04/09/2023 12:00

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2023 11:55

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. Those are the 3cs re alcoholism.

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. And in addition all he will hear from you is white noise.

BTW did you see a parent drink heavily in your childhood?.

You're mixing up love here with codependency. You're also playing out the usual roles associated with such partners; enabler, codependent and provoker (because you never forget). You cannot help him and he does not want your support or "help" and besides which you are too close to be of any real use to him anyway. This is how your life will be going forward too if you remain with him.

You can only help your own self ultimately and you'd be a fool now not to get away from him completely.

Am in agreement with all of this.

I'm recently separated from alcoholic STBXH. When we had the conversation to end it, it was hard but the main thing I felt was relief.

Bored1000 · 04/09/2023 12:05

Walk away, it’s negatively affecting your health and you need to look after yourself, I don’t think you can help him, he needs to decide himself if he wants to change and maybe this will give him the wake up call he needs.
You have no reason to stay as it seems like you are getting nothing positive from it.