Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be getting the ick here?

29 replies

bubblesandbathwater · 03/09/2023 19:55

Some background. Split with my ex-DH a year ago. Didn't date or anything for 6 months as we share a young family and I wanted to focus on that.

Started dating the past few months, I've met a few guys (thru OLD) but nothing has progressed past the first date. The men I have met have wanted to meet again but I haven't felt that spark or that I had anything in common with them.

Then was in a short "situationship" with someone who I knew already... he was the stereotypical headf*ck and it eventually ended after a couple of months, which was a good thing...

Since then have been on a couple more dates but I'm finding that finding someone who I feel that energy with, just difficult.

I've met with a guy twice now, he's sweet and very complimentary but also things he says over text I find a bit silly and give me the ick. An example; after we met on Thursday I was seeing friends that evening and he said "have you told your friends how you saw the love of your life today?"
Then today we were chatting about the weather and he said he was out in the sun and I said I hope he didn't get burnt and he said "you want to rub after sun into me don't you" he's also made comments about how he'd love it if I wore a pink mini dress on our dates and that he could come round and "show me some fun"
I get that flirty banter is fun, and if I'm in a sexual relationship with someone I'm all for it, but I find it a bit off putting so early on.

Besides that he's sweet, wants to arrange next date, interested in my life etc... but I just feel put off by some of this stuff.

He's also living at home with his parents following a marriage breakdown and sees his children only every other weekend and one weekday on the next which is off putting to me; being on the other side of a similar situation, although I don't know all of the details of course...

Is it me? Am I being too precious and a prude? Is this what the dating world is now? I was sheltered in married life for 14 years so maybe I'm out of touch?

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 03/09/2023 20:06

No those comments sound a bit juvenile to me. The pink mini dress thing sounds like a red flag.
Of you’re thinking this it means you should trust your gut. You don’t need to settle.

MagpiePi · 03/09/2023 20:07

Trust your gut and throw him back.

MrsMous · 03/09/2023 20:08

He is not for you. However, the contact arrangements he has are quite normal and at least he is seeing them regular and hasn’t bunked out of being a father.

Thinking99 · 03/09/2023 20:15

Sounds like he's desperate for something sexual and moving at a fast pace. Fine if you are too, but if you're looking for something a bit deeper I'd move on.

Original poster
bubblesandbathwater · 03/09/2023 20:23

Juvenile is probably the right word! And I hate that it makes me question whether I'm prudish for not getting on board with these sorts of comments. Im a very sexual person yet I think it's good to work up to this kind of "chat"

Also worry that the fact he lives with his parents means he would quite happily like to be seeing someone with her own home...

Re the parenting, maybe not a total red flag but my ex DH only sees our children 3 days out of every 14 and I don't feel it's enough, but I guess everyone's arrangements are their own....

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 03/09/2023 20:25

You're never unreasonable to realise someone isnt for you.

I think his contact arrangements are pretty standard. The sexual innuendo I think I would find a bit wearisome at that stage but, ultimately, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Go with what feels right to you and you won't go far wrong.

Original poster
bubblesandbathwater · 03/09/2023 20:29

Thanks @GreyCarpet I know you're right... I think I worry I'll never meet someone and I'm being too precious, but after one failed marriage I certainly don't want to end up in another!

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 03/09/2023 20:31

Better to be alone than with an ejit, I say!

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/09/2023 20:42

You've only been single for a year after a 14 year marriage. Things are very different now. Say that you're getting in the shower and they'll reply 'without me 😈 😜xxx' even if you've never met them

Grahambella · 03/09/2023 20:48

Living with his parents would put me off. Why do so many men move back in and rely on mum? Usually they can afford a place but don’t want to spend the cash. Very off putting.

Original poster
bubblesandbathwater · 03/09/2023 20:48

@TeachesOfPeaches 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

OP posts:
BadHairBae · 03/09/2023 20:52

YADNBU. The aftersun comment made me wince.

GreyCarpet · 03/09/2023 20:58

bubblesandbathwater · 03/09/2023 20:29

Thanks @GreyCarpet I know you're right... I think I worry I'll never meet someone and I'm being too precious, but after one failed marriage I certainly don't want to end up in another!

Yeah, I remember that feeling.

Wondering if you're being too picky or too precious.

You're not though. It took 10 years to meet someone I wanted a relationship with. He wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea and if I listed his less than perfect qualities, people here would tell me to run a mile 😅

But those aren't things that are going to give me the ick. He's perfect for me in all the ways that are important to me.

My point is, you don't need to put up with thngs that make you feel uncomfortable etc. The person you finally settle down with won't be 'perfect' and won't be without flaws or faults. But they won't be ones that matter to you.

And, as I always say to my children, if the wrong one is standing in the doorway, they're blocking the right one from getting through.

Legocrayola · 03/09/2023 21:00

Agree that living with the parents would have the alarms going for me. And the whole custody arrangement. I've recently separated from STBXH and in no rush to date again but I'd rather not date a man with kids. In the back of my mind, I'd be thinking he'd be expecting me to jump onto the default mothering role.

There is nothing wrong with being picky in a relationship. If you wanted a new pair of shoes, would you make do with the first pair you found that were uncomfortable and impractical? Of course not so why should I relationship be any different?!

David86uk · 03/09/2023 21:05

I live at home with parents at 37..

Why not? Works for me

nodneat · 03/09/2023 21:13

@bubblesandbathwater those comments would put me off too, I've been out of the dating scene a long time. If they wouldn't say it to your face, shouldn't text it either! I'd throw him back and move on

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2023 21:17

bubblesandbathwater · 03/09/2023 20:23

Juvenile is probably the right word! And I hate that it makes me question whether I'm prudish for not getting on board with these sorts of comments. Im a very sexual person yet I think it's good to work up to this kind of "chat"

Also worry that the fact he lives with his parents means he would quite happily like to be seeing someone with her own home...

Re the parenting, maybe not a total red flag but my ex DH only sees our children 3 days out of every 14 and I don't feel it's enough, but I guess everyone's arrangements are their own....

I think you're right to be cautious about the housing situations- single mums can attract 'cock lodgers' as they are called here!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2023 21:18

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/09/2023 20:42

You've only been single for a year after a 14 year marriage. Things are very different now. Say that you're getting in the shower and they'll reply 'without me 😈 😜xxx' even if you've never met them

Omg the accuracy of this message

Original poster
bubblesandbathwater · 03/09/2023 21:21

Thanks all.

The shoes and doorway analogies are just spot on! 👌🏽

Cocklodgers! Hadn't heard of that one. I have heard of hobo-sexuals.... aka people who will, in an attempt to not be homeless, start a relationship with someone who has their own home.

OP posts:
InBedBy10 · 03/09/2023 21:24

It sounds like your just not that into this guy but you're trying to force something because your worried about being single forever.

I think thats a normal feeling but you've only been single a year, I think you need to be more realistic with your expectations. It could take years to meet the right one for you. And that's ok.

Remember last time you were single you were young and carefree. Now you have baggage (kids, divorced, ex) and so do most of the guys you are going to meet. I'm not judging btw, I'm in the same boat.

What I'm trying to say is dating is a whole lot more complicated now. Don't rush it and end up with the wrong guy out of fear.

Anewnamea · 03/09/2023 21:29

David86uk · 03/09/2023 21:05

I live at home with parents at 37..

Why not? Works for me

I think it does put a lot of women off, it hints the man isn’t financially independent or is being super cheap if he is over 35 living with parents. It depends on the situation but generally if you’re having adult relationships and you have kids it’s fairly unusual to be living with parents unless it’s just a temporary measure while you save some money or maybe you’re their carer.

The guy I’m talking to now has his own place, if he ever moves in with me at least I’ll know he isn’t being a cocklodger or hobosexual and can stand on his own two feet financially. Also I’d feel like we always had to hang out at mine if he lived with his parents.

@bubblesandbathwater I used to get sleazy messages on match but now use hinge and have been quite careful with the way I filled out my profile and who I match with and I’ve barely had any sleaze. I’ve had a couple of guys attempt some innuendo quite early on, but I kind of gave a blank response which suggested I wasn’t feeling that and they were respectful and didn’t keep trying it.

Maybe this man hasn’t realised you’re not amused by his comments!

Olika · 03/09/2023 21:33

This: It sounds like your just not that into this guy but you're trying to force something because your worried about being single forever. From @InBedBy10

Anewnamea · 03/09/2023 21:36

And to be clear I’m not blaming your profile OP, it’s all on him if he is making inappropriate comments and not realising you’re not reciprocating.

Also I think 6 months is a relatively short time to start dating after a divorce so that might affect how you feel about it.

Everyone’s different but I take longer breaks from dating even when a long term relationship ends let alone a marriage.

jeaux90 · 04/09/2023 07:36

OP I'm a lone parent.

Please just spend time on yourself and kids and family and friends.

Once you are truly happy in your own company you will have much better boundaries and won't compromise on these kind of men.

Being single is absolutely fine.

Hellosausag · 04/09/2023 08:37

I hate stuff like that also, it’s not for me. The texting “what would you do to me if I was there?” Or “I’ll show you some fun in the bedroom” that kinda stuff 🤮.

so I’m with you on that! But my dp was a bit like it in the beginning and I just told him I thought it was gross and he stopped doing it and we have been together 4 years lol.