Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

womans point of view needed about our sex life

30 replies

Giraffe76 · 03/09/2023 18:39

Hi all,
Im a man looking for opinions from a ladies point of view and im not looking to blame to anyone on this post.

Im 47 and my wife is 58. We have been together about 22 years. My wife has the condition ME so suffers with bad joint pain and sometimes takes morphine for the pain she suffers which dims her sex drive. In the last few years she has also gone through the menopause too.
Before she went through the menopause we would have sex 2 or 3 times a week and most of the time id make her orgasm with my willy, if not then id use my tongue. These days the frequency has dropped to about once a month.

Doing research about the menopause so i can understand and help my wife in this changing time i found that a woman's sex drive drops or in some cases disappears. She has tried to take a few different supplements and we now eat much healthier which we hoped would help restore her sex drive but nothing seems to work.

My wife has said that she wishes her sex drive was what it used to be but obviously its not. When we do something she likes to do it before we go to bed so that her orgasm can help her sleep due to her joint pain etc which wouldn't normally be a problem but most of the time thats when im the most tired and dont have any energy. I have tried suggesting to her that we do something during the day or early evening and ive even tried to initiate things an hour so before we normally go to bed but most of the time she says no so i leave her alone and we go to sleep. I would never pressure her into doing anything as i feel its wrong and very selfish to do so.

Id like to add that i do masturbate most days which she doesnt know about because i think it would make her feel guilty into us having sex which is not what i want. Also because of the drop in the frequency that we have sex i dont last anywhere near what i used to and it makes me sad because i know that i can give her pleasure that way but i dont get the chance anymore so instead i use my tongue which works everytime.

As a said im not trying to blame anyone and want opinions please on what,if anything can be done to improve my wifes sex drive.

Im ready to be shot down in flames if anyone thinks im being selfish but thats why i wanted a womans point of view so i can better understand the situation.

Regards Mark

OP posts:
AMuser · 03/09/2023 18:42

Mark if you’re really 47 do you really use the expression “make her orgasm with my willy”. If so, I’m surprised you’re getting laid even as often as once a month, mate.

Lifesachore · 03/09/2023 18:45

My sex drive would also disappear if my DH referred to his "willy".

Bingos · 03/09/2023 18:46

This is too much for relationships. Can we banish it to the sec topic please 😵‍💫

YukoandHiro · 03/09/2023 18:46

You must have been aware that the age difference might rear its head in this way at some point... you just need to keep communicating. I don't think once a month is too infrequent at almost 60 post menopause. But I'm saying this as a woman if that makes any difference (albeit younger than you and your DW)

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/09/2023 18:47

Think you posted in the wrong place.

LubaLuca · 03/09/2023 18:49

most of the time id make her orgasm with my willy

Well, this is quite a telling use of language.

abracadabra02 · 03/09/2023 18:50

AMuser · 03/09/2023 18:42

Mark if you’re really 47 do you really use the expression “make her orgasm with my willy”. If so, I’m surprised you’re getting laid even as often as once a month, mate.

Mark, I'm so sorry about what you are experiencing that must be confusing for you both..but oh my goodness..I have absolutely howled laughing at this reply. I was thinking the exact same but would never be able to actually say it 😅😅

GalileoHumpkins · 03/09/2023 18:50

most of the time id make her orgasm with my willy

My sex drive also just packed it's bags and headed for the hills.

PixiePirate · 03/09/2023 18:51

I don’t think I’ve ever known a man to post on Mumsnet to help ‘improve’ anything other than his wife’s sex drive.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/09/2023 18:52

The issue is at just 47 you're so exhausted at bedtime you can't get you willy up. Unless you're in some massively physical job, I'd ask the doc for a once over for you to check your health.

TicTacNicNak · 03/09/2023 18:57

I'm sure you're trying to be helpful by doing some research, but I do hope you're not mansplaining the menopause to your DW. On top of referring to your penis as a 'willy' it will further cause her vagina to clamp shut

Ilovelurchers · 03/09/2023 18:58

You are nor being unreasonable to want sex more than once a month - i would struggle if my partner and I only had sex once a month and I am a menopausal woman! I would miss the closeness sex brings - and yes, also the gratification.

I am not sure what we can suggest tho as it sounds like your wife is aware of the issues and has been to the Dr etc.....

In terms of you not lasting long, I'm surprised this is an issue as you say you masturbate frequently.....

But (and I am not normally one to suggest alcohol) - do you drink? If so, having a couple of glasses of wine before sex may well make you last longer (not so much you can't get hard, obviously). If your wife drinks too, then maybe if you cook a lovely meal (or order a nice take-out), open a lovely bottle of wine, both have a drink together, a bit of old fashioned romance.... I mean it can't hurt. It sounds like you still love each other, so even if you don't end up having sex, it will still be a nice bonding experience.

And yeah, the word "willy" is a definite turn off! But I assume you were trying to be polite on the forum.

Namechange2222238858 · 03/09/2023 18:59

as soon as I read “make her orgasm with my willy” I just couldn’t read the rest.

Swallowdoubleandrunamile · 03/09/2023 19:04

AMuser · 03/09/2023 18:42

Mark if you’re really 47 do you really use the expression “make her orgasm with my willy”. If so, I’m surprised you’re getting laid even as often as once a month, mate.

Grin Grin Grin

27penny · 03/09/2023 19:08

That first comment 👆🏼🤣🤣🤣🤣

TooOldForThisNonsense · 03/09/2023 19:09

most of the time id make her orgasm with my willy

😭🙈

C1N1C · 03/09/2023 19:23

And this is why men shouldn't post on MN... inevitably they'll say ONE thing that obsessively focused on... whether it be a misunderstood comment that offends, an actual offensive comment, or a comment that is ridiculed.

In this case, man comes in with a mutually concerning issue... sex drive has declined and both want help on the matter, but because it's the man, and he used one wrong word, this simply cannot be overlooked!

How about answering as if this was the wife writing in, because flip of a coin, it could have been, assuming this is a concern and a sincere desire to remedy from both.

Ebee19 · 03/09/2023 23:09

I hate the replies on here critiquing. Are they really needed.
Mark, you sound like a lovely and caring husband, and respect you trying to do your research. You don’t sound selfish.
In terms of energy, if night time suits your wife then an hour before bed sounds good. Using up energy when she has things to do probably won’t help.
I agree with the other comments about romance.
To not unintentionally put pressure on your wife or make her feel guilty, maybe focus on general romance and intimacy. Salsa, poetry, picnics, tantric, date nights or explore some fantasies. Intimacy might change but hopefully you can find a new normal and a closer connection.

Ofcourseshecan · 03/09/2023 23:51

Ebee19 · 03/09/2023 23:09

I hate the replies on here critiquing. Are they really needed.
Mark, you sound like a lovely and caring husband, and respect you trying to do your research. You don’t sound selfish.
In terms of energy, if night time suits your wife then an hour before bed sounds good. Using up energy when she has things to do probably won’t help.
I agree with the other comments about romance.
To not unintentionally put pressure on your wife or make her feel guilty, maybe focus on general romance and intimacy. Salsa, poetry, picnics, tantric, date nights or explore some fantasies. Intimacy might change but hopefully you can find a new normal and a closer connection.

I agree, and Mark please don’t be hurt by the rude comments.

As you are too tired when you wife feels ready for sex, last thing at night, would it help if you both went to bed earlier? And have you tried other forms of intimacy such as massage?

You might see your GP about being so tired, in case there’s a health-related cause.

You say because of the drop in the frequency that we have sex i dont last anywhere near what i used to. But doesn’t masturbating every day counteract that? So maybe you could check that with your GP too.

At least you and DW are communicating and care about each other. I hope you can regain your pleasure together.

Throwncrumbs · 04/09/2023 00:54

Back to school this week Mark ( and not even my 2 year old grandson calls it a ‘Willy’)

DonnaBanana · 04/09/2023 10:35

The poor woman is 58, on morphine for pain and post menopause so it’s hardly surprising if her hooha isn’t excited at the idea of your willy as much as it used to. You need to talk more and find a new pace in this new stage of life for her.

Zanatdy · 04/09/2023 10:43

There’s some nasty women on MN. Hope you get it sorted

Michiru · 04/09/2023 21:23

I'm going to ask the obvious here, but with the age difference there is a high chance this issue will get worse over time:

Have you considered opening up the marriage?

Malapataraso · 05/09/2023 03:05

Namechange2222238858 · 03/09/2023 18:59

as soon as I read “make her orgasm with my willy” I just couldn’t read the rest.

Me too. I’m out. The menopause. Dear Christ.

junbean · 05/09/2023 05:18

I don’t know your wife, but in general women account for ALL the things you do when it comes to getting turned on. During the day when you have energy, do everything you can to make her feel nice emotionally. Whatever she would like- ask her! Everyone’s love language is different so just ask her what she would like more of from you. Could be talking/listening, getting her little gifts, cooking for her, etc. Ask her if it’s okay to initiate foreplay. Google different things you can do, and again, ask her. If she likes something don’t be boring and keep doing the same thing all the time. Make effort so its interesting. You will have to work just a little harder to get her there but there’s so many things you can try.

Swipe left for the next trending thread