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Original poster

Asked him to leave tonight, please can I have some support

29 replies

Mallardstreak13 · 03/09/2023 15:06

Hi, my STBExH has been sleeping on the sofa or in the kids bedroom. We have separated because of his gambling and alcohol issues. The house is mine. I just can't take anymore of it. He has been looking around for a place to rent for a few weeks now but nothing. He is out drinking most nights and has another friend friend's place that he stays at once or twice a week.
I have asked him to not come back drunk or to stay up drinking as its too destructive at home. He ignores this. The other night he stayed up talking to a female on speaker phone, talking absolute nonsense and very loudly. He was also saying nasty things about me and flirting with her. I had work the next day and had to go down and ask him to be quiet a few times. He was so drunk, he didn't remember the next day. No real apology.
He was out again last night. When my eldest and I came to sit on the sofa this morning, we noticed it was covered in wee. I went upstairs and asked him. He tried to blame our youngest, but I found my ex's wet jeans and underwear soaked in urine stuffed in a corner. He never got up to help clean the mess up. I told him this was unacceptable. He tried to turn the whole thing around on me. How i was enjoying seeing him suffer, how I wasn't a nice person, complete character attack. I said the behaviour wasn't acceptable but he managed to play a victim whilst being really horrible about me. I told him he couldn't stay with me anymore and if not out quietly by tonight, I would ring the police. I had previously contacted women's aid who told me I could always ring the police yo get him out if he refused. He again, just laughed and was dismissive.
I've taken the kids out and am just trying to get my energy up for later. I hope he is gone, but he is a bully. I'd like to protect the kids from anything upsetting.

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 03/09/2023 15:10

Stay strong and call the Police immediately if he’s still there. Do not engage in any discussion and remove yourself and the DCs from wherever he is. You can do this 💪🏻

thecatinthetwat · 03/09/2023 15:10

Good for you op, you’ve got to get him out.

Perhaps you can send the kids upstairs when you get back and then confront him. If I was you I wouldn’t wait until late, just early evening. maybe text him to say, I’ll be back at x time, please be gone by the time I’m home.

have you got anyone that could help you?

OhComeOnFFS · 03/09/2023 15:15

Do you have a friend who could go back with you? I wouldn't tell him to get out while I was out in case he damaged or stole things.

Original poster
Mallardstreak13 · 03/09/2023 15:19

Thank you for the replies, and good advice.
I don't have any family support which I think he plays on. I have a friend in work who has been through similar and told me to text her when I'd had enough and needed him out. Think i will text him the time I want him gone by. He has tried to argue with me when I was leaving to go out with the kids, but I didn't engage, told we could talk after he'd left and used my phone to video record anything further. He seemed to work. He was physically abusive once early on, but is much more manipulative with emotions so tries to gey sympathy. Need to get over this evening then I can cry or do whatever I need tomorrow!

OP posts:
pilates · 03/09/2023 15:19

Have you got friends or family that can have the kids tonight just in case it turns nasty?

Starseeking · 03/09/2023 15:21

As it's your house, next time he goes out, change the locks.

2B2G · 03/09/2023 15:27

Don't wait, ring the police now and make your way back there. Get it over with. He most likely doesn't believe your threat about the police and will try and stay

Escapetothecountryplease · 03/09/2023 15:50

Is there any way you can rally several friends around you? One to mind children ( elsewhere) and at least one to be with you at home getting him to leave.
I'd suggest you call women's aid again to boost you up.
Well done this is strong stuff,

WunWun · 03/09/2023 15:52

I'm sure there was a thread the other day where the OP was waiting all day for the police to arrive. I don't think it's going to be immediate. Call them now

Walkingbackwardsupsidedown · 03/09/2023 15:59

Change the locks. Good luck OPFlowers

WunWun · 03/09/2023 15:59

I mean in the same situation, to get a now ex partner to leave her house. Not just calling the police in general

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 16:05

Change the locks and stop allowing your poor kids to be traumatised by this nonsense.

Summer2424 · 03/09/2023 16:10

Hi @Mallardstreak13
Sorry you're going through this xx
You have put up with alot! Good for you that you've made this decision. You'll feel a sigh of relief when he's gone. Stay strong xx

Original poster
Mallardstreak13 · 03/09/2023 16:22

Thank you so much for your all your helpful support.
Funny choice of words @Aquamarine1029 . I will not hold guilt nor shame over this. Neither of us asked for addiction to enter our lives, but here we are. I tried my best to support my children's father, for our kids, but unfortunately a rental has not magically appeared. I will change the locks once he's gone, thank you. I asked for support to get me through tonight as I would like to get through this as camly as possible, so as not to escalate an already edgy situation. If I keep calm and not bite, this will pass quietly I'm hoping. Constructive advice around that is welcomed, to prevent my kids being traumatised.

OP posts:
WunWun · 04/09/2023 09:24

Morning OP. Did he leave?

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 10:32

OP, I would think your children are well traumatised living in a house where their drunk out his head father is having loud conversations with other women and pissing themselves on the sofa.

I would think that boat has sailed.

You were given advice by Women's aid to call the police, have him removed and put your children first.

You clearly decided against that and things have gotten worse.

Get him out and put your children first.

Seek out counselling for your poor children and stop concerning yourself with that drunken waster.

Poor children.

You both deserve better than this.

Escapetothecountryplease · 04/09/2023 12:30

I'm so sorry you're getting unthoughtful messages on here. Hope it went alright.
Occurred to me last night the charity Famanon may be helpful to you. Provides support to families of addiction. 😘

Original poster
Mallardstreak13 · 04/09/2023 22:15

The drunken father pissed himself, not the children, if thats what your reply implied? The kids have been unaware, he only drinks at night. I asked Women's aid if ringing the police for support would be appropriate and not a waste of time. They told me if I needed them, ring them as it is my house, but they didn't prescribe it. I didnt go against any of their advice, they were very helpful and much appreciated. Things arent black snd white, i am unsure if there has been a lot of emotional abuse from him, only space and time will tell. I've posted a short snippet of the current situation from my pov, and asked for kind words to empower me to him out, in the least destructive way. The poor children want their father around. I'm the one that can't deal with this and needed to make sure that I can tell them, when older, that I tried my very best. I am enabling him to continue with his addictions, therefore making him homeless is my only option.

I told him to leave, and when I got back from being out with the kids, he'd already left. I had told him a white lie that a male family member was travelling a long distance from their home to come and suppprt me, and it seemed to do the trick.

Thank you for the support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mallardstreak13 · 04/09/2023 22:28

Really appreciate the kind and supportive advice. Whilst things went okay, I was stressed out trying to keep a happy atmosphere and also deal with all the worry about what would happen, if he refused to go. I dont like conflict at all, and never want the kids to see anything other than respectful parents. Sticking knives in to women when they are carrying the world, is just not kind or helpful. All we do is to protect our children, nasty digs implying otherwise is uncalled for when a fellow much reaches out.
But yeah, he's out. I feel at peace. The children are upset and missing his absence. Onto the next stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mallardstreak13 · 04/09/2023 22:33

*fellow mother

OP posts:
Bluebellsbells · 04/09/2023 22:38

You are doing incredible, you are doing the right thing. Your children may miss their dad but living with the chaos and unpredictable behaviours of an alcoholic will impact them so much. Keep doing what you are doing, the battle is hard but it's the right one. If he comes back continue with your resolve.

And remember you are doing the very best so you too as well as your children can have a content, happy future- you deserve this. And you have the courage and the determination to achieve this.

I remember leaving my abusive partner and feeling like life was over, and for a time it was incredibly difficult and painful and I was putting one foot in front of the other.

But after a while I realised my child and I were having so much fun just in daily living, something I would never have imagined.

You are incredibly brave and you are doing the right thing- you deserve to be happy, your children deserve to live a happy healthy life.

Summer2424 · 04/09/2023 22:49

Hi @Mallardstreak13
You're so strong, you've done really well. 100% onto the next stage! xx

Original poster
Mallardstreak13 · 04/09/2023 23:08

Thank you @Bluebellsbells and @Summer2424 . It's been a strange day...but much more calm overall. I'm really glad it went smoothly. Sorry to hear you've experience of an abusive relationship @Bluebellsbells but inspiring to hear that things can look okay in the future. Yeah, i dont feel particularlystrong. And it's scary, navigating this next bit, but I'll keep that in mind, just one foot infront of the other. And I'll focus on making sure the kids feel secure with this change. He needs to hit a rock bottom if he's any chance.

OP posts:
Escapetothecountryplease · 05/09/2023 01:02

Amazing, well done
I too left a really difficult relationship, and the feeling of relief and freedom was so strong afterwards, I'll never forget it. As @Bluebellsbells mentioned, I found soon after the kids And i were dancing in the kitchen, singing,and life was completely different - but I hadn't realised that that wasn't there before.
Kids still see a lot of their dad, although he's not really capable of overnights , I know they really are happier with a peaceful home life.
It is really scary, but you'll be ok

Original poster
Mallardstreak13 · 05/09/2023 06:29

Thank you @Escapetothecountryplease . I definitely did feel relief last night, but its strange feeling good when someone else is suffering in the same experience. The kids will understand when they are older, I'm sure. Starting again, at times feels terrifying, and also so incredibly freeing! Aww that was lovely reading about you guys singing and dancing, makes me feel its okay to be happy during this time too, thank you xxx

OP posts:
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