Comparing myself to the ow

[noselfworth]

My boyfriend left me for another women who is 10 years younger.
She's from Romania tanned slim long dark hair. Mid 20s.

I always felt my boyfriend was a bit out of my league looks wise but he always reassured me.

The break up came totally out of the blue and I was replaced by her in a matter of weeks and all I can put it down to is how she looks as we were in a great place or so I thought.

It's been 9 months since and I am still really upset despite counselling

I can't help but to constantly compare myself to her and feel worthless

I used to be so confident before all this

I am mid 30s I should know that there will always be someone prettier but it's really hit me hard

My ex literally cut me off and replaced me with a younger model it hurts so bad

I just want the old me back any tips of building self worth ?

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I can relate to those feelings because my exH quickly started a relationship with a woman 14 years younger after we separated and at first I constantly compared myself to her. I still do sometimes.

But what has helped has been never, ever looking at any of her or his social media (and my kids know not to tell me/show me things either) and getting my head round the fact that it was our relationship which was lacking something, not me personally.

My situation is slightly different to yours in that I know my exH is trying to re-live his younger, child-free days - he has more or less admitted this to me. But that has shown me that he is not a great loss and she is welcome to him.

If your boyfriend has really just got together with this woman because of her looks, do you want to be with someone that shallow? It sounds to me like you are well rid of him if that's the case.

You are young enough to meet someone else who will love you for who you are, for all of you, not just for what you look like.

That is something to aspire to and search for and it is something which you deserve. And you will find it. Then your ex boyfriend will just be a distant memory and you will be glad it ended. Good luck xx

I think as you say there's always going to be someone younger and prettier so there's no point ever comparing yourself.

The point really is that if someone chooses to run of with someone younger and prettier, they're not someone you want to grow old with.

I can't really imagine basing my life choices around how good looking or old someone is. Can you?

It sounds incredibly boring if nothing else. I'd worry less about her. HE sounds like a bit of a waste of space actually.

I always think when I see men like Leonardo Di Caprio who date all these young models how boring and vapid their life must be.

Then I look at someone like Tom Hanks or Kevin Bacon who've had these long, cool partnerships and think that looks like a really fun life.

Your ex is a twerp! Try and move your head into a place of being glad he didn't waste any more of your time. You can now have room to find someone with more substance.

As women were taught that were rated by looks and it determines our value. It's really not true. All its an indication of is that some men are quite sad little fools.

This isn't a judgement of your worth. It's a statement that he has different values to you, and you can find someone more like yourself.

And I'm not convinced gorgeous women have it any easier anyway. They probably just attract more arseholes!

Thank you both for taking the time to respond to me.
I just want the old happy care free me back now I look at wrinkles and my pale skin.
Hope this passes thanks again.

Well none of us are getting any younger. Not even miss Romanian model. Wrinkles are part of being human. Don't knock them!

I remember 25 years ago getting dumped by someone I really deeply loved for another woman who was obviously prettier. They lasted two years and split. She didn't age well at all and has a boring looking husband.

My ex went on to marry another very, very beautiful woman. He's been almost consistently miserable for ten years. I'm close to his family and his Mum always says "you two were so in love, they were the happiest years of his life".

But I was kind of chubby (size 14) and while pretty, not in the same league at the women he ended up with. I think he had a worse life for it.

I don't compare myself to those OW. They were tall and skinny and looked amazing in swimsuits but that didn't make them "better" than me. If anything they ended up with a shallow guy who wasn't ever satisfied.

It was just his path. He decided he wanted a really stunning partner and he probably missed out on having the right partner as a result.

Don't worry about your wrinkles. Someone, the right one, will love them.

I won't bore you with the fine details, but a few years ago I had a bad accident (life threatening) and since then I've had many surgeries. I have more scars and visible disabilities than the Bride of Frankenstein. I wasn't feeling so good about my appearance and too tired from medical circumstances to do myself up. Negative people made me feel worse about myself. I volunteered to distract myself and broaden my horizons. I have never felt so strong, empowered and useful as I do right now, even if my body is falling apart. I support people who are unable to help themselves for various reasons. Apart from being rewarding to see positive outcomes for them, it has helped me too. I have more disability and physical signs of ill-health now than ever before. I don't care about my looks now, because I am helping others and that has made me realise I am more than looks. I suggest you try doing the same, and then learn to value yourself for more than what greets you in the mirror in the morning.

Read love yourself like your life depends on it. It works.

@Lightme miss Romanian model 🤣thank you I know you are all right just having a confidence crisis.

@scoobydoo1971 I am sorry to hear about your accident.
Thanks for the wake up call puts things into perspective.

@Grahambella will do

She is going to age too, because we all do! If he only wants to be with people because of how they look, she too will get traded in. And so will the next and the next. And one day, HE will find himself too old for these young women that he fancies and probably end up alone. He sounds about as deep as a puddle and she is his current toy. Why would you ever want to be, or compare yourself, to that? Looks are always fleeting…..integrity, honesty, loyalty and who you are as a person are not.

It's an awful feeling as there's not really anything you can do about it. My last ex dumped me a week before disappearing for a few days with the handsome 6ft 5 'Emmanuel' the hospital porter from the Ivory Coast. Certainly takes away your confidence for a while. You have to eventually draw a line under it and hope that one day you'll meet the right person who's happy with you 😊

@Marineboy67 6ft 5 over rated 🤣...

It’s incredibly common to do this after betrayal and nine months out is no time at all to feel like your old self again, so be kind to yourself.
What you need to learn about infidelity is that you are in no way to blame for his cheating and his choices, infidelity is about the cheat, never the cheated upon. Ever.

Here is a quote from an affair recovery website from a cheating man, who realised that his cheating wasn’t about comparing two women to see who was “better”.

“I think many people who cheat actually come to a point of extreme compartmentalization where they feel like their only hope is to have their affair partner on the side who meets all their needs, and their spouse on the other side who is the one they SHOULD be married to. It’s more like extreme selfishness as they use almost everyone in their life for their own personal good. It’s my opinion that why people really cheat is their own selfishness and self absorption. Then we lie to ourselves and justify our behavior in order to live with ourselves. If we didn’t lie to ourselves to justify the affair, we’d probably feel crushed under a sense of conviction and humility at what wrecking balls we’d become.”

Your partner needed to find reasons for his betrayal which involved exaggerating your ‘flaws’ as he perceived them and exaggerating her ‘good points’ as he saw them. You are confused because you thought everything was ok between you. It probably was, but his ego got massaged and he pursued something for a high and strung you along until he was sure of her. He no doubt feels that attracting a younger model must make him God’s gift to women and he’s more than likely riding on the ego boosted feelings that the whole situation has given him. This bears no reflection on you, OP. None of this is about what you did or didn’t do, how you do it don’t look. It’s all about his selfishness and weak, shallow ego-driven thinking. He’s another fool who believes that affair relationships are the real deal. It’s a risky bet, the vast majority turn out not to be once real life and reality kicks in Once his OW is sure of him she’ll stop fawning on him and hanging onto his every word and get brave enough to ask him to meet her needs, too. Time will tell whether the people they invented themselves as in the affair turns out to be the real them.
It’s hard not to believe it want you at fault in some way, easier to believe it was you not measuring up, but it truly was never about you OP, ever. You didn’t suddenly become ‘less than’ in any way, shape or form. You are the lovely woman you always were.
His abandoning you for her was nothing to do with anyone or anything except him. His selfish choices. You are looking for flaws in yourself which align with your fear that it’s all your fault he cheated. That his OW is more and you are less in some way. This is honestly rubbish OP.
You are enough. You always were.
He wasn’t.

http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2020/08/after-being-cheated-on-feeling-like-youre-not-enough/

A good article.

“Never let anyone of questionable worth question yours”

@Thewookiemustgo thank you I teared up at your reply it's so kind of you.

Not at all, I know how you feel except it turned out differently for me. It took a while to see it but honestly lovely, you’re not to blame and you must never allow this situation to have you questioning your worth. Certainly not in comparison with the opinion of a liar and betrayer and his OW who collluded in all of it.
It’s all true, let it sink in: you are, and always were, enough. His choices reflect on him, on his character, not you or yours. XX

@Thewookiemustgo I am just finding it all so painful and a friend made a comment that I really should be over it by now which has made me feel worse

Nobody has the right to tell you when you will be ‘over it’. Nobody. Infidelity and betrayal are destructive on many, many levels and attack not just your self esteem, it attacks your ability to trust others and even to trust your own judgment, or trust the world to function the way you thought it did. It turns everything on it’s head, your world turns upside down and somewhere, somehow, you think you must have done something to cause it, there must be something wrong with you for this to have happened. We couldn’t be more wrong in these assumptions, as it turns out, but it takes as long as it takes to move through this. Nobody gets to tell you how long is ‘too long’, there is no clock ticking. When you have healed, you’ll be the first to know.
It takes time, it’s like a death, you’ve lost him, your relationship and life as you knew it. You’ve lost the future you thought you were going to have. Except actually it’s worse than a random death, it was done deliberately by someone you loved and trusted and you thought loved and trusted you. I’ve read messages from people who said it would have been easier to get over their husband’s death than his betrayal.
You need time and support to grieve all these losses and to learn that none of it was your fault or because you do/ don’t look a certain way or act a certain way.
Breathe, accept how you feel right now, then take brave steps forward, one at a time, in your own time. There’s no right way to heal from this, only your way on your timeline. Take great care of yourself, nine months out is nothing, sadly. Accept no pressure to ‘get over it’. You won’t get over it, you’ll learn to accept it, to heal, to move on and learn from it. Learn that you are enough just as you are, and that you are a precious human being with your whole life ahead of you. It’s often quoted, but true: every journey begins with a single step. X

(1) total 10000% no contact
she and him can have no place in your phone , block both and eradicate all traces of their existence
(2) tough it out , and be kind to yourself . This will hurt for a while and that’s ok
(3) self care , really look after yourself
treat yourself the best you probably can
(4) keep a log of his negative points , he will have had them . Note them down

know that the intrusive thoughts will come and they will abate in time x

and avoid friends that minimise your pain

@Thewookiemustgo @Thisisworsethananticpated thank you both for the great advise it really means a lot

No problem, things turned out differently for me but I know what this feels like and if what I learned means anything or helps anyone in any way then I’m happy.

I have notes on my phone to remind me of the reasons I should be happy we split. I used to look at them a lot, not so much now but still occasionally.

My situation is different because we co-parent so I still have regular contact with him but, as I said before, I stay well away from his social media.

If you can go NC that will be so much better and easier I think.

And ignore the friend who said you should be over it, it's a traumatic experience and until you've been through it you genuinely don't know how it feels. Plus everyone and every situation is different so there is no right or wrong when it comes to the healing timeline.

Hang in there.

I'm so sorry OP that you've had to go through this. I can only imagine how deep that must have cut when you found out.
All I can say is how important it is to focus on yourself going forward, make plans. Travel and block it out. Get therapy if you can even hypnosis.
Sending a massive hug to you xxx

Cheating is, imo, the worst kind of break up. As well as dealing with heartbreak, you have to deal with being replaced by someone 'better'. The unfairness and trauma is so bitter. I've experienced it more than once and the most recent one a year ago gave me a weird form of PTSD. It's a year last week and I only felt consistently normal in the last few months. Another unfairness, how long it takes.
However -comparison is the thief of joy. You must make ever effort to get her out of your head, but remember that she isn't perfect either. She still just a person who goes to the toilet like everyone else! She'll have flaws and odd things like everyone else, even if her instagram posts make her seem like a model.
My recent ex left for someone who looks like Cate Blanchett and has a glamorous looking job. However, I found out (yes, through insta stalking :(, bad) that she is a more than a little bit stupid, problematically religious, is bankrolled by her ex husband and the job is a vanity project, not an earner.

The other woman from 15 years ago looked like a Barbie doll. She's really fat now. She's from a culture that doesn't like gay people and her now adult, gay, child won't speak to her.
You've no idea how things will pan out, so focus on all you can do for YOU in the time it takes to stop thinking of her. The first thing you can do is block every last thing you might see on social media.

Blimey, your self esteem is lower than the ground. Do we all start getting uglier in our 30s or something? Your ex is a prick but that doesn't mean you're hideous.