Emotional abuse?

[cryingmess]

nc For this as regular mn user! I’ve been with my partner 10 years this year 3 children, 8,5 and 9 weeks.

Throughout the relationship there’s been some signs but cos he’s never been physical I just brushed it off. Like he will do it seems punish me with stuff that he knows makes me upset or he will threaten me with stuff
ie if the sex doesn’t get better or improve I will leave you for someone else etc.

were away right now visiting his family and it’s so awkward. We was going to bed the other night and all day he’d been saying when we get into bed we could have a cuddle and stuff as we don’t get to do it usually at home as we don’t always share the same bed. Bedtime come and he flips saying he isn’t cuddling doesn’t want to and I said oh ok why is that and he said I’m ducking tired leave me alone and I said oh ok just was looking forward to it but no worries. He then called me a stupid fat cunt for keeping him awake for 5 minutes. Ever since then he has been so horrible. Belittling me and just being a complete cunt. He said it’s cos I kept him up so he’s gonna ne horrible to me and treat me with no respect cos that’s what I do to him. It isn’t at all and he knows it. But the atmosphere has been dreadful. I spent most of the day yesterday in tears trying to hide from my kids which failed cos it’s a small house they could clearly see id been crying as could my neices.
my brother and sister in law yesterday had an almighty row and she said she thinks it’s cos he can feel the tension in the air with me and my partner but that’s not my fault. I was crying infront of him talking to my brother and sister in law about how I felt and how he was calling me names and stuff all for being kept up for 5 minutes and he just yawned loudly. Their dad was very physically and emotionally abusive to them and their mum throughout their childhood which is why I think he’s like it (his bro is similar) but surely seeing how his mum is they wouldn’t be?

My sister in law has told him how much of an arsehole he’s being but he doesn’t care in his head his punishing me cos I kept him awake for 5 minutes and he said he’s going to be distant and act single and I was ‘warned’ apperently whatever that means.

im literally sitting up now crying my eyes out because the baby woke up and where I’m so tired I was like hi * why are you awake again silly as it felt like I’d only fed him an hour ago and he said you think you know everything your a stupid cunt he got fed 3 hours ago that’s why he’s awake your so dumb and I said oh ok sorry didn’t realise the time and he said check 1st moron. He’s telling me to shut the fuck uo crying it’s a stupid sound and I’m a cry baby. I think I already know the answer but even if I just had people to talk to I feel so alone and I hate myself ☹️ maybe it is my fault he’s doing it?

He’s a vile, abusive piece of shit. Please get some support and LTB. He sounds like he has nothing but contempt for you and that will not change. Shame on the rest of the family for not challenging him properly. 💐

You are in an incredibly abusive relationship. Please contact Women’s Aid for support and to discuss your options. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

You can send them an email right now.

This man is incredibly abusive and it’s frightening that he feels so comfortable behaving like that in front of others. His behaviour is only going to escalate as he perceives he can get away with more and more. It’s also only going to get more and more difficult for you to leave as he rips your probably already non existent self esteem to shreds, isolates you, convinces you you’re in the wrong etc. For the sake of yourself, but also more importantly for the sake of your children, please make an exit plan. Call your local domestic abuse provider, or women’s aid, and just start talking. They are experts and will help you figure out a plan.

I’ve spoke to him this morning and he has said he isn’t an emotional abuser I am and I can fuck off fat cunt cos he’s not that

No need to speak to him again. The irony of someone calling you that whilst denying his abuse! Take the advice you have been given by others and make that call/email. His opinion and his behaviour are nothing to do with you as soon as you detach. Do not waste time trying to get him to see your POV; he won’t and you will simply feel worse about yourself. Ignore, block and walk away.

I would say so, yes. I've been here with my wife which at the time I didn't really understand abuse or the types but it was rampant throughout looking back.

They make you feel like shit for no reason at all, humiliate you in front of others, call you names, blame you for everything and belittle you endlessly. You say anything back or even try to understand why it gets worse.

Likewise, there's no point trying to point out the obvious, even others can do it but they do not care. They cannot be wrong, there is always a reason they are behaving that way and that reason is you all to avoid responsibility of their own actions.

Just be careful standing up or pointing it out because from my experience, they can turn.

Remember though, it's not you. You cannot make anyone behave in a certain way. Don't let it grind you into the ground, that's it's purpose.

OP, anyone would be a crying mess in your situation. Your H is keen to destroy you. Your response to that is perfectly normal, in fact understated.

There's no winning with him and no point trying to reason with him, because guess what? He doesn't want things to be better. He enjoys having you in distress because it makes him feel big and clever.

Are there friends and family you can turn to for support? Obviously a waste of time involving his brother's family if they're birds of a feather. You need someone on your side, because you've been trained to look at things in a distorted way.

Reach out to Women's Aid to find a way out of the situation as fast as you can. In the meantime, play your cards very close to your chest. You don't share thoughts and feelings with someone who just kicks them around to keep you down. And be careful to keep quiet about your plans. Someone like him can turn even nastier if they get the slightest whiff of their prey escaping their clutches. Good luck

He's horribly abusive. I'd make plans to leave him. You can't live like that.

Do you have RL support? Do you own your home?

Can you contact Women's Aid?

💐

Wow, he is vile.

What response were you hoping for, OP? He’s not going to agree and apologise for abusing you.

Please contact Women’s Aid.

Don't speak to him again. Save your breath. He isn't going to change. He doesn't care. He's a vile abuser and you need to dry your tears, see him for who is and get the hell away from him asap.

Yes sweet OP, this is both emotional and psychological abuse. I understand its very difficult to see it, but your instincts are telling you.

You're in a very difficult position but as a previous poster said, he's deliberately humiliating and dismantling your self esteem and peace of mind. This is classic, textbook abuse. It makes him feel good.

There's no point appealing to him or talking about it. It won't have any effect and he'll manipulate you with crocodile tears or try and blame you, which is very much the cycle of abuse.

A lot of people here are going to tell you to leave him. Generally abuse victims can't do this as they've been to broken down and many factors are at play. For example you're already subconsciously making excuses for him by blaming his Dad. This is a very normal reaction.

So let's start at the beginning: let's try and help you understand what's happening and its effects on you.

Can you tell us more details?

How long have you been together?

What was he like in the beginning?

When did it change?

After we've helped you to understand what's happening, we can then maybe help you understand how abuse works, it's effects on you and the children, why he does it and begin to build you up again.

You can then start moving in the direction of freeing yourself from this.

We’ve been together nearly 10 years. It’s always been a bit like it but it’s got worse and worse like for example he said infront of my face about a girl who is fit in the car next to us. I didn’t say anything but I know if I said it he would literally flip his lid and start calling me names and stuff. He’s always been a bit of an oddball in terms like this but it’s got worse, significantly worse but I noticed it got worse after we had our 2nd child and then since then since people feed his ego it gets a lot worse.

sorry I can’t reply to you all individually x

There's no need to reply individually. You've got to understand fully in your own mind what's going on.

Can you start with googling "list of abusive behaviours" and look at lots of resources. You'll find hid behaviour fits with emotional and psychological abuse, but if you read the full lists you can write out which behaviors he does and how often.

Then you'll have an assessment of the problem.

It's generally runs in a cycle of good and bad. However, the good doesn't mean it's good, just that it's not bad. It's the abuse cycle and after so long of it you'll be stripped of your identity, self esteem and become dependent on them.

It's like you can't be yourself, you end up adapting who you are in order to avoid the bad, watching what you say and do and how you do things. That doesn't work though because it becomes something else, always something else.

Isolation is another side as well. Mine had an issue with every friend I had, anyone I met and eventually all of our family until we were totally isolated with no support. Once you are isolated it ramps up and you're trapped so don't let it happen if you can.

As said be cautious on how you proceed because they don't like it when you push back or question their behavior. They are never wrong, it will be twisted in some way and could get worse like mine did when I called it all out.

Emotional and psychological is damaging, very damaging.

Yep that’s exactly it. He’s never wrong. I’ve had his mum on the phone to me tonight asking what my issue is and I told him and she basically said if I’m not happy being controlled or abused emotionally then leave but if I’m not prepared to leave then put up and shut up pretty much. But she did make it clear that I shouldn’t be bad mouthing him to my sister in law but I’m not I’m allowed to say how I’m feeling. Like I’m not allowed to say nothing I have to just shut up cos I didn’t choose to leave years ago yeah I didn’t but he has got worse over the years and more fooo me thinking he’d change . I had a baby 9 weeks ago and he told his brother how disgusting it is that I’m so obese and his brother said should lose weight cos of all the health problems I will have

Don't look for support in the wrong places OP x

To echo PP’s OP you need to make an exit plan, get support from women’s aid, I found the local council housing officer the most helpful.

It’s hard because you think they see reason like you do, they don’t. Look up narcissistic abuse and DARVO, he may well not be a narcissist but people can have narcissistic traits and many emotionally abusive tactics follow the same patterns and approaches.

It’s not your fault.
He is responsible for his own behaviour.
Yes he knows he’s doing it.

Emotional abuse is very much like the boiling frog and it only gets too bad once you’re in so deep - you’re lovebombed and gaslit to disregard the initial red flags.

Bear in mind:

No he doesn’t care about you, if he did, he wouldn’t behave like this.
No he will not change, no matter what he might promise when he figures you’re on your way out.
No they do not see reason, they cannot be reasoned with or held accountable for their behaviour - they simply will not accept accountability, so save your energy for your exit plan.

Get your head down and get to work OP, you can escape this.

So today he’s has verbally abused me because I said our 60 year old neighbour is attractive. Yet this is the man that’s cheated on me emotionally and physically, been on dating sites pof etc. he’s acting like he’s the victim and he’s so heartbroken because I’ve said it like what the fuck

That's what they do, I'm afraid, it's disgusting. They can treat you all manner of ways, do whatever the fuck they like without any ounce of remorse but you do something, oh you're the worst person in the world.

You have to witness it to believe it, it's quite fucking delusional and it hurts.

Yeah that’s what I’m dealing with right now. Honestly my life is a joke and for the people saying leave hin, I read a quote you won’t leave someone until you love yourself more then you love him. I don’t love myself at all but I need to start trying to then I can get rid. Like I’m saying in my head I don’t have to do this so why am I doing it like no one is putting a gun to my head and making me stay with him but it’s just so hard ☹️☹️

Yeah I understand how it is, it's not always that easy. I'm one of those that like to make things work and give people chance to change and in end I got forced out. At the time I didn't really understand but now I do.

Just like you, I went through it all for years only to be accused of being abusive. Now I'm not allowed near my home or see my children.

Awful, hypocritical people that damage everyone around them.

You're not alone, keep your head up, as hard as it is don't let them break you down.

@cryingmess would you let him speak to your children like this?

do you want your children to repeat their parents mistakes like you and he have? Do you want them to be abusers or adults that stay in unhealthy abusive relationships.

what if when the kids get older they chat back to him and stand up to his bullying… and he lashes out and hits them as his emotional abuse isn’t enough anymore.

You are keeping your children in a horrible negative environment. Even if he still has access after you leave at least most the time they could be with a loving, happy and healthy parent who shows them how to behave appropriately, how to set boundaries, how healthy relationships and emotions work.

You are allowing the damage to pass to your children. Maybe not today. But soon. And in the meantime they have a mother whose not at her best because of their fathers bullying and abuse.

please speak to women’s aid charities , solicitors etc.

Stop telling him whatever is discussed on here about him being abusive etc. just make plans. Leave.

you don’t owe him an explanation.

massive squishes @cryingmess - please think of the long term damage that will happen to you all if you stay.

Oh love, this is 100% emotional abuse and isn't your fault. You need to get this "man" away from you and your children as soon as possible. Please talk to your Health visitor or GP about it, also look up Women's Aid. Hugs to you xxxx