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Original poster

Marriage in trouble as we hit our 15 year anniversary

33 replies

Luckymum71 · 03/09/2023 00:01

I am looking for some thoughts / perspective. 15 years married this week, on holiday as a family but although it’s fine, in terms of my marriage I feel totally alone. We didn’t even bother with a card - although he gave me some perfume at duty free and asked for some sandals in return!! We have two daughters 9 and 13 and seem ok on the surface but underneath it feels like there’s nothing much there and hasn’t been for some years. I am quite ambitious and worked hard to get a good job and have one though it’s not a passion. DH not ambitious at all and on same salary as when we met. I want to progress and improve our lot in life but he’s not bothered and so it’s always up to me to take control of that if I want it. I saved to be able to have both our kids as got no additional maternity and couldn’t rely on him. Now I control all the finances and he just puts in his allotted amount a month. I save for holidays but he plays no part in the planning, destination nothing. Even now we are here he finds out nothing about where he is and lets me decide everything, where to go, where to eat etc. He has no idea what is in our joint account or what our bills are and not interested in knowing. If I am stressed about finances he just shrugs as if it’s up to me as he can’t do anything about it. His parents support us a bit which is why I haven’t pushed it more- we find enough to get by and have a decent life but no savings.. Before Covid I asked if we could explore a different lifestyle that might allow me to step back as the main breadwinner and be more adventurous in our lives. He said he was open to it but did nothing about it. I looked into relocating to the coast and we put an offer on a house but then he didn’t want to bother with the due diligence ie schools, commute, area etc - all left to me. I baulked and since then I just felt really let down as though I’m just living with somebody who just wants an easy life making zero decisions and having no experiences. We tried counselling but it seemed like our counsellor didn’t think we had any problems! I tried seeing her alone and on my first appointment checked my husbands phone - no real reason just wondered what was in his head and found tons of searches for gay porn including gay escorts and hook ups. My husband is bisexual so not a total shock but the hookups upset me. I asked him about it and he just said he was looking for sexual gratification that’s all just fantasy. He blocked further discussion We haven’t been having much sex as I don’t feel close or intimate given the lack of partnership. Now I feel like we aren’t on the same page at all - I am looking for adventure in life - he just wants sex and potentially not with me. What I found has put me off more tbh. It feels like a shame but honestly I feel like I would prefer to be on my own making my own decisions even though I’d have to compromise to work it for the kids. He’s a nice man and a good dad but there’s no spark left. Have we reached the end of the road?

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 03/09/2023 00:17

I baulked at - he is bi-sexual. For me, that is always an opener for more. Can you do it alone?
Please just go and live the live you want.

Brandyb · 03/09/2023 00:19

Yes, you've reached the end of the road. It doesn't have to be like this.

AllSewnUp · 03/09/2023 00:32

Sorry for a bit of a cliché here OP, but in all honesty you have one life, our lives are not long, and he's holding you back. You've got more 'oomph' than him - sounds like you've spent a long time suppressing what you would like from both life, and a relationship. Set yourself free. I know it's easy to say and much more complex to go ahead and do, but it sounds like you will be far happier in the long run.

The escort stuff - gay, straight, whatever... Surely that has to be a hard no (it would be for me anyway). How do you know he hasn't actually gone ahead and used an escort... In any case the fact he is looking is totally inappropriate for a monogamous relationship, it doesn't sound compatible with your needs at any rate.

Wish you many happy adventures, OP. Go and have them 💐

Gettingbysomehow · 03/09/2023 00:34

I'm sorry OP but I couldn't be with such a bland, beige man. You are wasting your life. You need and deserve better than this.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2023 00:37

He is at best a passive unhelpful partner and at worst a cheating energy sucking vampire.

Don't be passive anymore, you obviously have ambitions for your own life, 15 years is a good run, I wouldn't want to have sex with him again either so call it a day and love your life.

Singleaftermarriage · 03/09/2023 07:10

He sounds very like my ex. In the end he started saying I was an angry person and didn't like him. He then had an affair and left, blaming me. Basically he couldn't step up and hated me asking him to do things. It was horrendous at the beginning as I was so betrayed but now the reality is, my life hasn't really changed. I have been away 4 times with the kids since he left in March. I went camping. I always said no to this when I was with him.as I knew it would be me sorting everything. I feel free of the anger abd resentment. And without me, he is showing how useless he really is! I think he is realising it too, but that is the OW problem now. Yes it's tough being alone, and kids were really upset, but actually it just feel like a weight has gone.

Middleagedmom · 03/09/2023 07:15

As the saying goes you don’t find a happy life you make it…..

Watchkeys · 03/09/2023 07:24

Now I feel like we aren’t on the same page at all

You're not.

You're not happy with him and he won't change. This is who he is. You need to make a decision based on that, rather than spend more time querying whether you're right to feel how you do. There is no 'right'. If you want to be elsewhere, be elsewhere. Your daughters will ultimately benefit from the lesson 'If you're not happy in a relationship, you can leave'.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/09/2023 07:28

He's really dragging you down. You'd feel like you were on holiday if he left. The thought of him cheating is sickening and knowing he was spending time and effort and money on that when he does fuck all with you is a dealbreaker for me.

Spacemoon · 03/09/2023 07:30

TheSilentSister · 03/09/2023 00:17

I baulked at - he is bi-sexual. For me, that is always an opener for more. Can you do it alone?
Please just go and live the live you want.

What exactly do you mean by this comment? An opener for more what? Do you think all bisexual people are more likely to cheat? Or do you have a problem with bisexual men in particular? If so, why? Someone's sexuality doesn't change their loyalty in a relationship. Both myself and my husband are bisexual and I'm struggling to get my head around what you could possibly mean from that comment?

OP, I'd be very concerned at the escort and hook up searches (regardless of gender) it doesn't sound like you've properly addressed this? He doesn't get to make the call not to discuss this further!!

The overall dismissal of helping with finances, decision making and general lack of support is a major red flag. It doesn't sound like you're getting a lot out of this relationship and to be honest it sounds like he's just a long for the ride.

Have you spoke to him about how you're feeling? Are you still seeing the counsellor or do you have support elsewhere - friends, family etc?

DustyLee123 · 03/09/2023 07:34

End it.
Im more shocked that your in-laws are financially supporting you at this stage of your life. Your DH should be ashamed.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/09/2023 08:45

He’s not ambitious, you have to mother him, he just pays his money each month and has no other responsibilities, has no interest in bettering himself or your lives or the lives of your children, you have to do everything, you never have sex and he has been searching for gay hook ups…

This marriage is dead. Get him gone. He’ll go straight back to mummy, who still pays for him anyway!

Free yourself. You’ve done enough.

MiniTheMinx · 03/09/2023 09:03

He isn't happy either is he? Not everyone will agree with me, but IMO there are a fair few gay men who are 'bisexual' when they put their wish for a family, a wife and a settled life ahead of their desire to be with men. It seldom makes them happy. He sounds miserable and his lack of motivation and energy to drive change may well be because he knows he can't change the very thing he would change if he could.

Set yourselves free. Be brave. He is never going to be the right partner because he is only there in body but not in spirit! You are carrying him in every respect because if he were to step up and take responsibility he couldn't blame some outside factors for his own misery.

Seaoftroubles · 03/09/2023 09:18

I agree with@MiniTheMinx. You are not compatible OP and definitely at the end of the road here. He is just a passenger in your relationship, not an active participant. And now he is most likely cheating too. Time to set yourself free from this dead weight.

LuisaF · 03/09/2023 09:24

Leave and get an STI check

NowWhattt · 03/09/2023 09:26

TheSilentSister · 03/09/2023 00:17

I baulked at - he is bi-sexual. For me, that is always an opener for more. Can you do it alone?
Please just go and live the live you want.

Yes this 👆

Floraldresses · 03/09/2023 09:30

Hi OP, I’m in a somewhat similar situation (different circs but long marriage on the rocks) and something I’ve realised recently is how low my standards have been - this sounds like you might have started to live like this too. A life becomes our reality and then that’s all we know - we accept it because it’s been like that for a long time. But things can be different! Would recommend the books ‘Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to stay’ and also ‘Should I stay or should I go’… really helpful for sorting out if you’re settling for too little (I would say you are but as I’ve realised you need to know this for yourself, no one can decide it for you).

One thing I must say - to ‘block further discussion’ is a total red flag! I disagree with some of the comments/implications here about sexuality though, of course someone can be bisexual and faithful. But looking for hookups doesn’t sound faithful at all sadly.

Original poster
Luckymum71 · 03/09/2023 09:37

Wow stronger reactions than I expected tbh. I guess I presented the edited version of our 15 years but that is what it’s amounting to for me at this stage.
Fortunately we have a strong family life so am hoping we can maintain this even if we separate. I admit to having avoided his bisexuality a little in that even though it came up early on and he was open about it, because he’d only had one male relationship I thought it wasn’t that important in terms of his needs which he even told me was the case. It’s a tricky subject to talk to friends about - the one friend I confided in years ago told me he was gay which upset me and sometimes I do question it but I don’t think he is, however his viewing choices lately suggest otherwise. I am most bothered about the escort and Grindr searches - that does reek of infidelity even though I am inclined to believe he hasn’t done it - yet. I have asked him twice about it now but I am getting very vague responses that mean I have lost trust. Regarding finances I come from a poor background, him more middle class so I fear having no money more. To be fair he doesn’t spend a lot but that makes me feel we are limiting our experiences. I am not materialistic in terms of possessions, just being comfortable and enjoying life. I am being incredibly passive for me - it’s driving me mad! But obviously this is a big life choice that impacts a lot of people. Thank you so much for your thoughts though - it helps to talk even if to strangers!

OP posts:
Original poster
Luckymum71 · 03/09/2023 09:44

Am looking at this book - seems very helpful thanks.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 03/09/2023 09:47

you say you dont want to be alone, but you are alone already OP. He has checked out of the relationship with you and clearly wants to go and have sex with men and not with you. Its the end of the road for your relationship and the best and kindest thing you can do, particularly for yourself and your children, is to end it swiftly and painlessly. As we get older and there is more life behind us than in front of us, this becomes more important. thats the stage you have hit and seriously dont delay this because its not ever going to get better. Yes, you will be upset because you are grieving the loss of the life you thought you were going to have but this is just going to eat away at you and its best to go whilst you can at least be civil to each other.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 03/09/2023 19:54

OP, you have worked at this, done counselling (no doubt initiated and organised by you) together and on your own, you have pursued goals, worked hard, made things happen…. And what?

For whatever reason he is not a team with you and us not investing in your lives together.

Maybe he is just incredibly laid back / lazy / complacent/ doesn’t need much.. in which case he will always leave you frustrated because he doesn’t share your energy and goals and dreams.

Maybe he is not investing in your shared life (except as a good Dad) because he feels depressed and compromised because if his sexuality.

Either way it doesn’t sound great for either of you, and none of it is your fault.

Legocrayola · 03/09/2023 20:00

Agree with too good to leave, too bad to stay. Also read women who love to much. It helped me lots.

It sounds like you are trying to fix him and change him and you are in love with the man you want him to be. Instead of accepting him for how he is.

Legocrayola · 03/09/2023 20:00

But I agree it is time to end this.

TedMullins · 03/09/2023 20:01

Being bisexual in itself is not an issue - I don’t agree with the knee jerk judgement there. But everything else about him sounds dreadful! So yes, I think you should leave, why keep on settling for this passive, lazy, annoying, cheating idiot?

Watchkeys · 04/09/2023 07:33

Views here about bisexuality are disturbing.

He's married you and is looking at others on apps. It doesn't matter who they are. It matters that his views of what's acceptable in a marriage don't match with yours.