Marriage in trouble as we hit our 15 year anniversary

[Luckymum71]

I am looking for some thoughts / perspective. 15 years married this week, on holiday as a family but although it’s fine, in terms of my marriage I feel totally alone. We didn’t even bother with a card - although he gave me some perfume at duty free and asked for some sandals in return!! We have two daughters 9 and 13 and seem ok on the surface but underneath it feels like there’s nothing much there and hasn’t been for some years. I am quite ambitious and worked hard to get a good job and have one though it’s not a passion. DH not ambitious at all and on same salary as when we met. I want to progress and improve our lot in life but he’s not bothered and so it’s always up to me to take control of that if I want it. I saved to be able to have both our kids as got no additional maternity and couldn’t rely on him. Now I control all the finances and he just puts in his allotted amount a month. I save for holidays but he plays no part in the planning, destination nothing. Even now we are here he finds out nothing about where he is and lets me decide everything, where to go, where to eat etc. He has no idea what is in our joint account or what our bills are and not interested in knowing. If I am stressed about finances he just shrugs as if it’s up to me as he can’t do anything about it. His parents support us a bit which is why I haven’t pushed it more- we find enough to get by and have a decent life but no savings.. Before Covid I asked if we could explore a different lifestyle that might allow me to step back as the main breadwinner and be more adventurous in our lives. He said he was open to it but did nothing about it. I looked into relocating to the coast and we put an offer on a house but then he didn’t want to bother with the due diligence ie schools, commute, area etc - all left to me. I baulked and since then I just felt really let down as though I’m just living with somebody who just wants an easy life making zero decisions and having no experiences. We tried counselling but it seemed like our counsellor didn’t think we had any problems! I tried seeing her alone and on my first appointment checked my husbands phone - no real reason just wondered what was in his head and found tons of searches for gay porn including gay escorts and hook ups. My husband is bisexual so not a total shock but the hookups upset me. I asked him about it and he just said he was looking for sexual gratification that’s all just fantasy. He blocked further discussion We haven’t been having much sex as I don’t feel close or intimate given the lack of partnership. Now I feel like we aren’t on the same page at all - I am looking for adventure in life - he just wants sex and potentially not with me. What I found has put me off more tbh. It feels like a shame but honestly I feel like I would prefer to be on my own making my own decisions even though I’d have to compromise to work it for the kids. He’s a nice man and a good dad but there’s no spark left. Have we reached the end of the road?

But his bisexuality is an issue if being in a heterosexual marriage is unfulfilling for him in some way and leaving him disaffected.

The OP says their sex life is non existent and his search history for porn (at the very least) is for men.

It isn’t derogatory against his sexuality per se to see it as a potential issue for this man, in this marriage,

I would not be particularly worried about his lack of initiative within your lives - my OH was the same really, but, like you, I was good at organising stuff and he wasn't so I did that and he did other things he was good at. I could have made a list of "I have to do all the ........." items, but equally he could have written his own list of the things he had to do - it's about playing to your strengths.

But ..... there is no way I would have been happy about him being unfaithful, or seeking to be. The sex of the target of the infidelity is not the real issue - but him seeking new partners (and potentially putting your health at risk) is absolutely not on.

I would regard your marriage as over.

But his bisexuality is an issue

The fact that he wants something his wife cannot give him is an issue. It doesn't matter what it is, really.

There was an ‘if…’ after that phrase.

I agree, it could be anything. But in this case it could be sex with men. So in this case, that is the issue. Acknowledging that doesn’t mean bisexuality (or any sexuality) is bad, or a general problem… or that looking to potential lack of fulfilment due to his bisexual needs implies homophobia!

@MarshyMcMarshFace

I didn't say it implied homophobia. I'm saying that if a man in a monogamous relationship wants to put his penis into a 3rd party, the sex of the 3rd party isn't the problem or the issue.

Im bisexual. If in a relationship i wouldn't be looking up escorts etc..even for just a look ..who does that unless there's ulterior motives?. Being bisexual doesn't make me open to anything anyone lol. Im loyal. Some aren't...whether bisexual, straight etc. Personally id leg it..but i give good advice but don't take my own 😊

I have asked him again about the online searches and he said this was because he was on the porn site they popped up and he clicked a few times out of curiosity and yes mild fantasy. He said he understands why I am upset about it. He’s agreed to read the book and work with me on our marriage because I have said we are close to breaking point and he sees that. He has admitted he’s disengaging - I know when he feels attacked he tends to retreat and become passive - I don’t think that’s a good trait - he needs to work on that. I haven’t addressed his sexuality enough - and that’s on me to be more open about with him. Only time and some hard honest work will tell if we can make a go of it or not but I want to give it a good shot so I don’t live to regret it. Let’s face it we are all flawed human beings and marriage with kids and animals and responsibilities is fricking tough! Thanks again for listening and perspectives.

Yes its good to ask those questions 😊...its whether hes truthful or telling you what you need to hear. I have been through this...him accessing porn sites and consequently web cam girls. I put a porn block in the house...agree or not, its something i disagree with, morally. If he wanted to watch it , it wasnt on my dollar...he would have to pay on his mobile .The trust went tbh. It was numerous times of promises and broken promises. I also knew when he was using porn more and web cam girls, because he was detached from me, angry and we stopped having sex. It destroyed me to the point of getting ptsd. I hope you can both sort it and that he keeps any promises made.