What if he's the reason I'm ill

[Whatintheworldgirl]

Just a bit of context to my late night pondering.

TW discussion of mental health and baby loss.

I met my current partner at the beginning of 2022. We worked together. I got the job at the same place as him after being in a really really bad relationship. Something that really messed me up. It ended in him moving across the world and me losing a pregnancy. I believe my last partner was one of those relationships where you learn alot about yourself and about life and love. It broke my heart. I felt that myself and my current partner got into a situationship incredibly quickly. I wasn't comfortable or even in the right head space. I've just been brought up in a way that I find it hard to say no. I don't truly believe I was ready but he said all the right things and made all the right promises. We met January 2022 and by march he had moved into my place. There wasn't much conversation to this, he just kindve brought things every now and then when he stayed over and it just become the norm that we would go to work together and come home together. He's fun, well he was fun. We used to laugh and I used to cook for us and we'd watch movies. It was quite nice in the beginning. Like having a friend who lived with me. I felt like I could fall in love with this person but a month after he moved in I started to get really poorly. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. The bad thoughts just kept running through my mind. I ended up in hospital atleast twice every month. With malnutrition, with dehydration, with panic attacks. I just felt like I lost myself. It's crazy because my previous partner was the one who I feel would be the reason I would break. The way he treated me, spoke to me, hurt me but no. The man who I believed was sweet was around and it seemed I was hitting this life crisis which has almost killed me. Doctors and nurses started refusing him entry into my wards, they would question me each time I attended about whether I was safe or if I was in an abusive relationship. Which at first made me incredibly angry. Of course not. He was sweet and he was always around because he loved me and was worried about me...but..why am I having this crisis? Why did multiple people, at completely different times and places assume he was abusive. What was I portraying, what was he portraying?

I know this is all a mad mess of a ramble but I can't help but think as I sit here on my sitting room floor with countless anti anxiety and anti sickness medications, could this all be caused by me feeling trapped in a relationship? I should be happy. I should feel love towards him. Why am I so sad? Why am I punishing my body, why am I feeling so ill and hopeless everyday? I'm 30 next month. Is this just a life crisis? What's wrong with me 😭

Hi OP, firstly big hugs to you! You sound emotionally drained and like you’ve had to deal with so much from your past. I’ve been there myself and it can be overwhelming.
I don’t think you’ve recovered properly from whatever happened in your last relationship and you need to properly give yourself the chance to work it through. I wonder if this new relationship has moved far too quickly and it’s triggered your fight/flight response for good reason?

What if I'm constantly in this fight or flight state? How can I heal? I don't want to throw away a relationship with a nice guy who I get on well with just because of my mental blip but at the same time isn't it selfish of me holding him back? Maybe I will never be happy?

Maybe things need to slow down between you both considerably so you can start to feel a lot more in control of the situation and monitor how you feel? It’s all moving so fast for you, you are doubting and questioning your thoughts and feelings and getting overwhelmed.
You won’t be in fight or flight forever and if you want to be sure he really is a nice guy, ask him to step back a bit. A truly nice guy will understand and do what he can to make you feel comfortable. You need space to think and breathe and this sounds like it’s suffocating you a bit x

How awful for you 😥 Feeling this bad can't possibly be called selfish! Would you say your partner's helping you, or not particularly?

Can I ask, what caused the malnutrition? You said you stopped eating, but what does this mean?

What are the bad thoughts overtaking your mind?

You won't feel like this for ever. Nothing is for ever, things change and it will pass.

It's really good to hear that you've been treated with concern by the medics you've seen. Did they offer access to any counselling service - and if not, are you able to do this for yourself?

Sorry about all the questions but it's important to understand what's going on. You will be okay

Personally I think your current relationship moved way too quickly. Him moving himself in by stealth, just two months into the relationship is crazy. You say yourself you weren't in the right headspace and sounds as though you've been completely overwhelmed by it all.

I think it would do you a world of good to dial it back a bit. Talk to your partner and tell him you need some space to heal, as you weren't recovered from your previous relationship before you got involved with him. Ask him to move back to his own place until you're in a place where you're ready to cohabit again. I'd go so far as to say take a complete break from the new relationship, as if he's round your place regularly it won't seem any different.

If he really is a nice man he will understand. Take the time to work on yourself, maybe get some therapy if it helps you deal with the past abuse and the baby loss.

Good luck OP 💐

OP you sound like such a lovely person who has been through so much in such a short time. Everything is going too fast and you probably haven't had time to process the grief of loosing your pregnancy, of recovering from the trauma of your previous relationship and suddenly being tossed into the tumult of a new live-in relationship.

If this guy is really so sweet, caring and lovable he will bide his time until you are healed . That is alot to ask of him but you do really need to put yourself first. Your body is crying out for you to take care of it. Your friends, therapists and doctors are sincerely concerned for your health.

You are so young and have a long life of love and happiness ahead of you. Do not be in such a hurry. Healing takes time and you owe that to yourself. Let this man go and concentrate on yourself. Best of luck .

I apologise if I miss any of your questions. Once I press reply it doesn't show me your original message.

It'll sound stupid but I have this big fear of sick and one night my current partner came home when he newly moved in and locked me in the bathroom with him while he was drunk because he thought he was going to die. He got so sick everywhere. I felt like I was put right in the centre of my worst nightmare and it took me back to when I was 4. When my phobia began. To me as a child eating was the enemy. I used to believe that if I don't eat then I won't be sick and something about that situation triggered my adult mind to go back to that theory. Then my body started refusing food when I tried. I'd get so sick that the doctors would have to start giving me anti sickness meds. Then I was liquid fed. I constantly every day feel sick and anxious. I have no 'peace'. The bad thoughts are honestly me finding life too much. Like my family would be so much better off without me, my stupid anxiety and my stupid phobia.

It's been about 18 months now, my mental and physical health is getting no better. I had a slight positive experience with a new anti anxiety medication but then my partner said he's depressed and I've been having to look after him. It's really hard to convince someone that life is worth living when you are fighting that battle yourself.

I'm so sorry if this is too much information and I would hate to trigger anyone. So sorry

Thank you so so much for your kind and thoughtful response. I would love to take a step back however he doesn't have anywhere else to go. I've spoken with his mum and she claims benefits so she said he is not able to stay with her. So I feel I have no other option 😭

You may be afraid history will repeat itself and so have gone into shutdown to try and freeze things where they are.

I think one possibility is that you haven’t had time to process the trauma of 2021 & earlier- you don’t mention any counselling for your pregnancy loss or for your ex who abandoned you and went to the other side of the world. There has to be significant sense of betrayal and grief for that.

Your body may be thinking “oh shit, I know how this goes. It starts out all nice and then it all goes to hell….” About the current boyfriend from 2022 since you’ve said you’ve been getting emotionally close to him.

There is a book called “The Body Keeps The Score” about trauma and how past traumas can really affect and influence our behaviour in future relationships. So as you’ve said, the current guy hasn’t done anything wrong, but your survival instinct could be saying…that’s how it started last time and look where that went and is trying to protect you in a misguided fashion. That’s what this body keeps the score book talks about- the science behind all this and how it does cause real physical symptoms and illness.

You need some professional help to untangle all of this and as this current guy may be innocently triggering it, if he is at all understanding he should be willing to live separately and support you as you process and recover from your recent losses.

Please don’t be hard on yourself, you’ve been through a very difficult period of your life. That would affect anyone.

Just read your second message @Whatintheworldgirl . This is very disturbing. I am so sorry you had to live through this abusive and triggering episode with your current BF. He is obviously the one contributing to your current health problems. Your medics seem to have understood exactly that this man is no good for you. He must leave asap!

It doesn't matter he has nowhere to go. That is not your problem! Tell him to leave . Get some family or friends to help you get him out of your home.
Put yourself first. Do not wait. Don't let him talk you in to letting him stay.

He is abusive and a serious threat to your life. Call the police if you have to, but get him out.

He can start find flat share on spare room.com and other websites.
If my 19yo can find a place to go to in a city hundreds of miles away, a grown adult man on probably much higher wages certainly can.
Saying he can’t go back to mummy’s is weak sauce.
Give him a few weeks to sort something out, say until 1 Oct.

In fact given your update, your body may not be misguided, it may have picked up subconsciously on something about new boyfriend that your conscious mind hasn’t clocked.

He shouldn’t have said he had nowhere to go because “mummy is on benefits”
Thats disturbing, imho,

He needs to move out. You can stay in the relationship but you need to have time apart. You also need some form of counselling, whether it's for your eating/sickness or for your previous relationship hurt, but you can't carry on like this without professional therapy.

You are not responsible for his housing needs, he is an adult who can find somewhere else to stay. Where did he used to live before being a sneaky cf with you? Two months is eight weeks, and that is a very short time to get to know somebody (and kind of a red flag tbh).

I fell sick with an unexplained illness years ago which was basically my body started destroying itself for no apparent reason. I couldn't eat, sleep, severely malnourished and had cognitive decline and physical impairment.

Doctors had no idea why, nothing showed on tests and it went on like that for years and each year I got worse. In this never ending cycle of deteriorating health.

Well, I found the root cause. I was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage with my wife. Now I am away, guess what. I'm no longer sick, everything has gone and I'm slowly regaining my health. Not that it's over because now I have separation abuse but I'm getting there.

Interesting similarities perhaps...I knew it wasn't right at the time but I had no idea what abuse was or the effects. Check out the result of emotional and psychological abuse long term.

Thank you for answering.

I agree with PPs who are replying already, so I won't waffle on repeating them. Your boyfriend has to go. His housing situation is his problem, although he's tried very hard to make it yours.

Emetophobia and anorexia are both quite common, sadly. With all the huge disruptions you've experienced, counselling would be a very good idea. Ask your GP for referrals - reception should be able to help with this, actually. Some basic counselling to help organise your thoughts will be available, and ask for a 'social prescribing' referral as well to support you in organising your life.

I'd also suggest ringing Women's Aid, or emailing them.

The way out is here Good luck.

What if I'm constantly in this fight or flight state? How can I heal? I don't want to throw away a relationship with a nice guy who I get on well with just because of my mental blip

you heal slowly and like everyone does

self care
maybe some therapy
learning about yourself
reading around the issues you have
time

But I do think you have realised that this isn’t the right man or the right time

and that’s ok , you’ll be ok

And he’s not your responsibility

you are a young woman in recovery

he’s a grown man and he’s moved himself in !

Do you have family support ?

Maybe you could tell him you've asked one of your family members to move in with you as your health is deteriorating.

I think part of your anxiety is the fear of having to tell him to move out, you need space at the moment to breath by the sounds of it.
x

I speak from experience when I say a bad relationship can make you very, very ill. I suffered a mystery ill was for years. Multiple hospitalisations but no clinical cause. He dies, and I get better. Much better. I can’t say for sure this is happening to you, only that it could be. Please take care of yourself.

I agree.

Can I also say a good relationship can make you feel ill aswell, once I went out with someone who was so nice, too nice, but I felt smothered like I couldn't breath I couldn't be myself.

We were just not right for one another, would have made great friends but not a couple.

I felt awful ending it but it really affected my health.

Op it sounds as though you need to stabalize, do whatever has to be done in order to feel better, put yourself first.

Let him go you have to he isn’t your responsibility. You need to prioritise you and this is bringing you down so much. You have a lifeboat for one that you are in, he coming in doesn’t save himself because you are not strong enough to do so. Your capability is to simply get yourself to safety. It’s drowning two or saving one

He’s overstepped your boundaries and imposed on you, moving in by stealth.
locking you in a room is unacceptable
And other people are concerned he’s abusive
there are a lot of red flags. It’s absolutely not your fault in anyway if hes got no where else to do, you’re not his mum.He can move in somewhere else by stealth …like his mothers.
i think you need to be single and get healthy and concentrate on that
please also get some in real life support

I feel a though you could possibly have ptsd from the things that have happened in your life and this is all the ways it is coming out physically.

I completely understand you want to look after your partner while he is struggling too but you need to put yourself first. You deserve to be healthy and happy and content, just do what you Need to do to get yourself right, which I know is easier said than done but you can do this. Things will get better.

I wish you all the best

You were vulnerable when you met. He saw that and took advantage, to the extent that he moved in with you after only 2 months! A good guy wouldn't do this, he used you as a cheap place to stay.
Does he pay you rent, buy food and get involved with household tasks? If the answer is no, it's clear as day he's using you.
He locked you in a bathroom with him for 4 hours! That's imprisonment. If health professionals are barring him from visiting you, it's on safeguarding grounds based on how they see he interacts with you. You are not seeing him in a true light. Does he order you to do things rather than asking? There is a big difference.
It's not your problem that he has nowhere to live, he's working so can find somewhere to rent, as he maybe did before he moved in.

He is not a good guy.

Gather friends or family, get them to help you get rid of him, be on your own while you recover.