What if he's the reason I'm ill

[Whatintheworldgirl]

Just a bit of context to my late night pondering.

TW discussion of mental health and baby loss.

I met my current partner at the beginning of 2022. We worked together. I got the job at the same place as him after being in a really really bad relationship. Something that really messed me up. It ended in him moving across the world and me losing a pregnancy. I believe my last partner was one of those relationships where you learn alot about yourself and about life and love. It broke my heart. I felt that myself and my current partner got into a situationship incredibly quickly. I wasn't comfortable or even in the right head space. I've just been brought up in a way that I find it hard to say no. I don't truly believe I was ready but he said all the right things and made all the right promises. We met January 2022 and by march he had moved into my place. There wasn't much conversation to this, he just kindve brought things every now and then when he stayed over and it just become the norm that we would go to work together and come home together. He's fun, well he was fun. We used to laugh and I used to cook for us and we'd watch movies. It was quite nice in the beginning. Like having a friend who lived with me. I felt like I could fall in love with this person but a month after he moved in I started to get really poorly. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. The bad thoughts just kept running through my mind. I ended up in hospital atleast twice every month. With malnutrition, with dehydration, with panic attacks. I just felt like I lost myself. It's crazy because my previous partner was the one who I feel would be the reason I would break. The way he treated me, spoke to me, hurt me but no. The man who I believed was sweet was around and it seemed I was hitting this life crisis which has almost killed me. Doctors and nurses started refusing him entry into my wards, they would question me each time I attended about whether I was safe or if I was in an abusive relationship. Which at first made me incredibly angry. Of course not. He was sweet and he was always around because he loved me and was worried about me...but..why am I having this crisis? Why did multiple people, at completely different times and places assume he was abusive. What was I portraying, what was he portraying?

I know this is all a mad mess of a ramble but I can't help but think as I sit here on my sitting room floor with countless anti anxiety and anti sickness medications, could this all be caused by me feeling trapped in a relationship? I should be happy. I should feel love towards him. Why am I so sad? Why am I punishing my body, why am I feeling so ill and hopeless everyday? I'm 30 next month. Is this just a life crisis? What's wrong with me 😭

He's targeted you while you were vulnerable. His housing issues are not your problem OP.

You need RL support, do you have it. He needs to leave and it sounds like you need a hand with that.

He moved in without asking, he has no respect for you. I'm always clear with new bfs that there will be no living together for at least 4 years, I don't even like them staying 2 nights in a row, I need my space. All bfs have understood this. I hope he pays his way. ( and you made him clean up his own puke).

Oh OP. I agree with the pp who says that stress can cause physical illnesses. My dd spent the best part of a year in and out of hospital, she was really ill but they found no physical cause.

Him moving in to your safe space so soon can be a factor here. You do need to ask him to leave. It is not up to you to find him somewhere else to go. Where was he living before he lodged himself into your home? As he did just that.....moved himself in with what sounds like no proper discussion or planning for it.

YOU are the important one here. You need to do what is best for YOU. If he doesn't understand that and makes things difficult for you , then you have your answer about how things may be going forward.

I have been though trauma too OP, not the same issues but I think the important thing for me, was to just focus on me, as it's all I had the energy for. I couldn't cope with other people and their issues for a while. I was too drained.

Please consider reclaiming your home. It will be a difficult conversation, but think about if you carry on with how things are now. It seems bleak doesn't it. It can be very different. But you need to prioritize you right now.

💐

Op, it sounds like you may have C-PTSD.
he is depressed and having you look after him? Oh hell no. Get rid. Focus on yourself. I hope you can find a therapist who knows how to work with trauma.

you deserve to heal. A man isn’t the way to heal …

You definitely need therapeutic support.

Your line about not being able to say no to people... struggling with boundaries- that will be linked to it. The incident with the bathroom and sick is worrying and he definitely didn't respect your boundary there - I think you and your body know you need to put yourself first and this doesn't come naturally to you when you have a boyfriend?

Telling him to get his own space for your well-being will be an excellent test of how nice a guy he is and how much he cares about you and your health. Prioritize your health over the relationship please.

An audiobook called 'when the body says no' shows how people pleasing and stress can lead to many chronic illnesses - you might find that and interesting read

Definitely not this man, living with her, anyway

It doesn’t really matter what the reason is, although I think you have plenty, this person is not good for you at all.

You don’t have children (from what I gather) so you absolutely can and should put yourself first. This is your life, you get one. So from now on you make decisions that are right for you.

It’s not your problem that he has nowhere to go- he will find somewhere I promise. But what he does after you tell him to move out is his business. You are not responsible for him, you are responsible for yourself only. You are not able to look after him and why would you want to?

Kindly and firmly (very firmly) tell him that this situation is no longer working for you. He must move out, he can temporarily stay with him mum or he can go get a house share. Either way not your problem. This isn’t selfish, this is you taking control of your own life.

It sounds like you need the space to focus on your self and to get well again- he is holding you back.

He invaded your home and moved in by stealth. He didn't give you the opportunity to make a decision as to whether you wanted him to move him, he forced in upon you. He knew your greatest fear, yet physically trapped you in a room with it because he didn't care about your needs and mental health, he wanted to make his wants (to look after him) to be your only priority. He controls you and constantly monitors you, he's always with you. He won't leave because he's 'got nowhere else to go, my Mum won't take me back'.

He's effectively cuckooed you. He's the personification of the phrase 'No man falls in love as quickly as one that needs somewhere to live'. He's abusive, he's controlling, he's manipulative.

You know that he's done this. The staff know that he's done this and they're trying to protect you.

Ask them for help to get this abusive, controlling, coercive man out of your home. And yes, I do think that you will begin to feel better.

It'll sound stupid but I have this big fear of sick and one night my current partner came home when he newly moved in and locked me in the bathroom with him while he was drunk because he thought he was going to die.

Locking you in the bathroom with him is appalling and even worse if he knew you had emetophobia. You have been traumatised by that experience.

As others have pointed out this man moved in by stealth, other people are concerned you are in an abusive relationship (locking you in the bathroom with him is abusive) and he is now saying he has nowhere else to go. He needs to move out. He is a grown man and can find his own accomodation.

Maybe this man has triggered something rather than being directly responsible for your current health problems but you will not know that unless you get some space from him.

I appreciate it's hard but you do have choices even if you find the ones available to you difficult. Please prioritise your own health.

The body keeps the score. It’s a book, look out for it. It’s temporary are there is stuff you can do.
The fact he has nowhere to go is not your problem. You’re not well and you need your own space.
Find another job, another house, have some BWRT and look after yourself.

It certainly sounds like he trampled all over your boundaries early on and triggered existing issues.

Interestingly, I’ve had loads of health problems in the last 10 years or so. I split from my emotionally abusive H 18 months ago. Only time I’ve had off sick since has been with Covid, despite me getting a new diagnosis of a chronic issue.

Him ‘not having anywhere to go’ is crap. People find somewhere - friend’s sofa, cheap hotel..don’t feel obligated to let him stay. You need some time to yourself to heal and he is detrimental to that. Good luck OP.

He will have to find other options won’t he? He doesn’t have a right to live with you. He moved himself in- of course he said nice things to you!! Do you have any friends who could come over while you tell him he will have to leave and on the date you give him to leave?
it can’t be that great a relationship at all if his mums response is he can’t stay with me, not I thought you two were so perfect… I bet she knows he’s a total scrounger, and now hes making you support HIS mental health. Op, the only person in your corner is you, and you deserve someone standing up for you. Make that someone you and boot him out.

Where was he living before he moved in with you? Why can’t he go there?

It does sound like he may be behind your illness. When the HCPs ask you about your relationship don’t be afraid of telling them what you have said here.

This man is making you ill - he must leave your home now.

Learning to trust our own judgement is a slow and difficult process after a catastrophic relationship, especially if you are also grieving a miscarriage (so sorry, OP ).

Some people take advantage of others when they are weakened by this sort of chaotic life trauma.

If ever I have been sick, my first instinct is to lock people OUT of the bathroom, not in it with me. That, and him moving in "by stealth" so quickly when you were in such a vulnerable state... are massive red flags. What other things has he sadi/done that have set you wondering?

I don't truly believe I was ready but he said all the right things and made all the right promises.
It's OK to change your mind about someone who has been putting on a mask. Forgive yourself for having been vulnerable, it's perfectly human and natural to have longed for what he promised.

You need some time alone to heal. If he is a good person, he will understand that and try to expedite it.

Jesus. Your update is horrifying.

Op, this does not sound like a good man. He moved in by stealth and took advantage of you.

He needs to go. His housing situation is not your concern.

You should be focusing on yourself and on getting better.

Do you have rl support? Friends who can get your bf out of your house?

Then take any help you are offered by medics. They are right; he is abusive.