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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Experienced partners of coke users

56 replies

Pickles699 · 02/09/2023 07:42

No idea what to do. I am going on gut feelings. Several signs over several months and I'm being greeted with 100% denial. Do people deny using drugs even when they have been busted? I am well aware the list below is screamingly obvious but he is insisting I've got it all wrong. He's turning it around and saying I'm going on at him and starting. To the point he's saying he's done with me. Which is fine..because I don't want this pain.

Just to make you aware i know he does weed.

So signs.

Pipe in bag
Foil always in bag.
Badge in bag.

His bracelet disappeared around 3 months ago.
Our fire stick disappeared aswel, he said he left this in the hotel we was at. Clearly hadn't.

He earns good money. He earns £3500 a month. His rent and bills come to around £460 a month. Yet he's always skint. Often he owes me money.. but he owes others money too. He gets around it by saying he spends loads working on the road on food. Weed he admits too etc.

He goes through weeks when he's moody and weeks when he's more focused on us. In the better Weeks he tends to be on repeat making promises of what we are working towards and insisting we will get there. But it's always one day! Never now!

Money has been stolen from me in recent months. He does return it. But its happened 2 times now and I'm disgusted.

This last week he's borrowed money for certain items around the home that he clearly didn't buy. He has paid me back.

Today he was meant to be getting his passport copied for his new landlord. I slept at my own house last night because he's got problems with his phone and was stressy I really didn't want to be around him. He's been awake all night. The plan was very early today we were going to sort out him coming up or us meeting or me going down with his passport. It was looking likely I'd go down with it and meet him.

I phoned him at 6.30 this morning when he text to say he was up. He said he was gunna try sleep for another hour because he's knackered. I said well can you tell me a plan then as if I'm meant to be meeting you etc I need times etc.

He started getting irritable and said oh are you wanting to come down first thing then. He also said he hadn't thought about anything other than going to the bank.

I get the impression he thought I'd walk half way then he'd go off and I'd come back home. I tried to explain I've gotten up early thinking I was helping him out and now he's being difficult.

The long story short he said he's done with me because he's sick of me kicking off.

I really wasn't kicking off. I expected a coffee at his flat for walking half an hour with his passport!

I'm so confused by him. The last few months I've found him going from one extreme to the other. He's not the person he was. I found two drug bags in his drawer recently and he denied they were his.

This morning I said to him that the shopping he had been to get wasn't even in the flat so shat had he spent the money on. He said whatever and hung up.

This is going to read very childish. But this has been my life now for a few months and its completely thrown me.

I need the obvious stating. What do people think? Why is he still denying it when I've seen enough?

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 02/09/2023 09:38

The fact he Stole money off you should be enough of a reason to leave !
You're allowing him to treat you like a doormat...why ?

Of course he's going to deny he's a drug user. Why do you want him to admit it ?

And no, you can't help him.... move on with your own life.

AnywhereAnyhowAnyway · 02/09/2023 09:43

This is my first post, I felt compelled to reply having had first hand experience.

Agree with PPs, you know what you need to do. He won't change, he doesn't even admit there is a problem even though he is inexplicably skint all the time.

Drug/coke addicts - and he obviously doesn't consider himself one, despite all the signs to the contrary - will lie and make you feel mad to hide the extent of what they're up to.

You've found two empty bags of what looks like coke, that's £160 - 200 worth right there. He's tried to make you doubt yourself and dismisses you bringing up valid issues as 'starting', completely invalidating your feelings.

You deserve so much better - you don't need this headache in your life, it will get worse before it gets better (if at all).

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2023 09:45

The only question you need to answer is why on earth you're still with him. How many more obvious red flags do you need to see?

blueskies23 · 02/09/2023 09:50

Is who who you would want for your child, your sister, your best friend?

You get who you settle for. Run towards a better future.

Velvetbee · 02/09/2023 09:53

You don’t need proof, you don’t need him to admit it, this person isn’t enhancing your life so he goes. You can do sooo much better.

PumpkinBum3 · 02/09/2023 09:53

As somebody that married a man with a ‘past’ coke addiction I am telling you to get him GONE as soon as humanly possible. It wasn’t ‘past’ and it rarely is. His behaviour and attitude got progressively worse and he became a deceitful and vile person. Money in the thousands was unaccounted for. Lies after lies. I had no idea he was doing this until the end of our relationship and it all made sense.

This is not your murky world OP so get out of it now.

LunaandLily · 02/09/2023 10:11

Crack or heroin. No one uses foil for weed do they?

Whichwhatnow · 02/09/2023 10:12

Foil and pipe means crack surely? I know several people who are crack addicts. I can only say run, especially if he's lying to you.

I would be more ok with social coke use (though obviously not ideal). Crack is far, far more addictive and (from experience) once someone gets into the world of crack it's all too easy to move onto heroin. In fact I don't think I know any crack users that don't use heroin to 'level themselves out'. Any dealer of crack will also sell heroin for that reason.

Having been robbed and lost friends due to their crack/smack addictions please just cut your losses here. I had to cut off my best friend of over a decade because she stole from me and became a habitual liar after going down that route 😔

FOJN · 02/09/2023 10:12

I need the obvious stating. What do people think? Why is he still denying it when I've seen enough?

If you've seen enough to convince you of his drug use then why do you need him to admit it?

To the point he's saying he's done with me. Which is fine..because I don't want this pain.

What are you waiting for? If you don't want this pain then end it.

He's lying, stealing from you and treating you badly, there is nothing confusing about that, he's a terrible partner.

You can't "save" him and it's not your responsibility to even try.

BakingBeanz · 02/09/2023 10:19

An addict, a liar and a thief. Run for the hills.

8990m · 02/09/2023 10:31

The fact he’s stealing money off you says to me heroin, I have experience of this from an ex partner and yes he had a pipe like you described and I found foil wraps it was heroin, he used cocaine along side it.
don’t even give him a chance to explain just cut him off

jupitergirl · 02/09/2023 11:29

My ex house mate did heroin and crack and that's what the pipe is for. You cannot make someone change until they are ready to admit they have a problem. Unfortunately, it tends to be when they've hit rock bottom.

His treatment of you is not great at all and the gaslighting will get worse because he knows that you know, hence telling you its over.

He will pick the drugs over you every time, its time to walk away.

RedDoughnut · 02/09/2023 11:47

Just leave.

Hes disgusting

Original poster
Pickles699 · 02/09/2023 19:31

Thank you for the replies.

I thought crack was smoking cocaine?

He said something about it being £40 a bag for coke the other day when on about his mate on it at work.

Heroin? What dies that look like please?

I'm waking up and I'm running for the hills. A few things to sort but I am beginning to distance myself.

I saw him earlier and he's trembling today. Sleeping and keeps doing groaning sounds. He's sleeping now but earlier his hands were shaking. He's really dull. I accused him again this morning of everything and he denied it then told me he had absolutely no wages left because he only got 3 days pay and had to give me £260. I asked him where the other £140 went. He's managed to spend it all on phone credit and weed last night. So he's got another rough week coming up!

OP posts:
Whichwhatnow · 02/09/2023 20:46

Crack is smoking cocaine but it's a shorter lived, stronger and more addictive effect. It also leaves you wired which is why so many people end up on heroin too.

Tbh OP I would be shocked if your DP wasn't already on heroin. It sounds like he's rattling (heroin withdrawals) now. It can be very difficult to recognise on a day to day basis particularly if someone is smoking it rather than injecting. Certainly with some of my friends I had no clue whatsoever... until they started stealing, lying and generally becoming selfish.

I hope you're OK and really ready to run for the hills OP. I've seen this too many times and it's all too predictable how it turns out x

CurlewKate · 02/09/2023 21:11

Dump. And please, until you do, make sure you use contraception.

Dotcheck · 02/09/2023 21:18

Jesus op, you have nothing to gain from him ‘confessing’. He’s a drugged up lying thief.

I think we all give you permission to leave, if that’s what you need here.

ZekeZeke · 03/09/2023 08:36

Pickles699 · 02/09/2023 19:31

Thank you for the replies.

I thought crack was smoking cocaine?

He said something about it being £40 a bag for coke the other day when on about his mate on it at work.

Heroin? What dies that look like please?

I'm waking up and I'm running for the hills. A few things to sort but I am beginning to distance myself.

I saw him earlier and he's trembling today. Sleeping and keeps doing groaning sounds. He's sleeping now but earlier his hands were shaking. He's really dull. I accused him again this morning of everything and he denied it then told me he had absolutely no wages left because he only got 3 days pay and had to give me £260. I asked him where the other £140 went. He's managed to spend it all on phone credit and weed last night. So he's got another rough week coming up!

Did you dump him?

HermioneWeasley · 03/09/2023 08:40

You aren’t going to get your money back so please just dump him.

chemicalworld · 03/09/2023 09:49

Heroin is brown, and has an acrid smell about it.

supersonicginandtonic · 03/09/2023 10:03

Run, run, run away please. It's not only the drug use, it could spiral into other things.
Do you have children?

LuisaF · 03/09/2023 10:04

Is he having withdrawals if hes shaking and groaning? Oh god op, hes in complete denial. Sounds like a massive druggie with his pipes and foil etc. this really isnt good. Id ask him to leave today. You dont want this around you.

Maltaw · 03/09/2023 10:15

Why are you concerned about why he is behaving like he is. It doesn't matter. You just need to dump him. That the only thing you need to sort out.

TicTac80 · 03/09/2023 10:24

Dump him and run like hell the opposite way from him. Be glad that you're not married, (hopefully don't have) kids together, or live together. Pipes and foil could be for smoking the weed, or could be because he's buying top quality coke and washing it to make crack and to smoke the rocks (I lost an old friend to this). Maybe he's doing both. That's not your problem though. Get out of this relationship now. Don't let him drag you down

Rosiem2808 · 03/09/2023 10:43

Yes OP he is smoking crack. He is lying to you and stealing from you. What more do you need to know. All of this will get worse with time and bring you down to the ground. Get rid of him