Mothers who are jealous or resentful of their daughters

[nodneat]

I have suffered this, it had resulted in low self esteem and depression. Constant comparisons, no compassion, love or support. I recognise now, this was a failing in my mother and she didn't haven't the skills to parent.. or did she?
So, any mothers out their who undermine their daughters, contradict, or are jealous. Is there something I'm missing? I'm very sad about it, but am finally coming to terms with it and moving on...

My mother was jealous of me and my sisters. Will never really untangle it, I don't think. We have been NC for a long time. My brothers are welcome to her tbh.

My sisters and I are not jealous of our own DDs, no. I really don't know where this maternal jealousy comes from. It's very damaging.

My dm had food issues.. She used to make me measure my legs and be smug if hers were thinner... Still remember when I had to buy size 9 jeans when she was still an 8.. Been nc for 20 years... Didn't want that crap around my dc. Especially my dd's.. She seemed to favour them and it wasn't healthy..

It really is isn't it! thank you for your reply. Great you've escaped. I'm escaping in mind, but not physical distance. I'll never understand. My mum left when as a young teen to be with her affair partner. No idea why she takes shut out on me and interferes, undermines my relationship with my son

@Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday Wow. Well done for breaking the cycle. My mother told me I didn't deserve my son when I had post natal depression. She told me to treat my ex husband with contempt, he left, don't blame him. I've never trusted since, very damaging. Yet she travels the world with her affair partner who hasn't seen his daughter since age 4 now early 30s I believe. The pair of them are selfish. When one of them dies, not sure who the other would cope, they are in a tight bubble

My mum made teen years hell. She lost her dad very young and I always feel like she's jealous of my relationship with my dad which I get but it caused a lot of years of resentment and made me want to get out of the house as soon as I could. I ultimately ended up choosing loser boyfriends just to be away from there. We're ok now (I'm 40 with kids) but she definitely made life very hard for a long time.

for you op.

It wasn't your fault.

Age doesn't equate with wisdom.

interesting @IWasFunBeforeMum glad you seem to have made peace with it.

I often wonder if her affair partners daughter is on her and the damage her absent father may have done. I don't know of her, but he never mentions her. It's like he blanks her out My mother seems to facilitate that.

I'd like to hear from mothers who feel this way about their daughters.. I'm sure there must be more out there, although they probably won't admit.

My mother was jealous, she couldn't bear it when I did well at anything and she was incredibly upset if my father paid me any attention. I was clever at school but she kept telling me I was stupid. My art teacher told her I was talented so she stopped my painting lessons. I was first in the state (I'm in Australia in NSW) in language studies but she refused to attend my graduation when I received an award. She was abusive and used to rummage through my bedroom regularly, God knows what she was looking for.

I never had a single compliment growing up.

I have had terrible self esteem issues and no confidence in myself. I had counselling which helped but her behaviour honestly wrecked much of my life.
I still can't understand how a mother can be like this. She obviously had mental health problems.

I think it's surprisingly common. I knew a girl whose mother used to try attract her boyfriend away from her.

The husband is often an enabler. My father tip-toed around her and blamed me for anything that upset her.

My mother died when I was 18, and I regret that I never had the chance to talk to her about it as I have got older.

I've never had any faith in myself because my parents never had any faith in me.

My mum...she seemed to be always make a sniping comment to take the shine off something happy, would never notice if I had done well. I always felt that she loved me but didn't really like me. When she died I felt deeply sad because it could have been so much better and it was a lost opportunity. When I was young my mum would say that I would feel guilty when she was gone...I don't.

I found if I did anything well my mother would diminish it, I got a D in one A level and my mum told people I had failed my A levels; I had got an A and a C in the other two.
She told me my education was a waste, would throw my things in the garden, asked me once if I wanted to be raped because she didn't like my skirt, called my hair a bird's nest even though I modelled for Vidal Sassoon...when I was older she would just do things with my brother and exclude me, hated if I spoke to my dad ..it was endless.

My Gran is like this with DM (her daughter). She's also a bit like it with me, not as bad but she gloats if anything goes wrong for me and has a huge chip on her shoulder about DM and I having done well for ourselves.

It's very sad to see...glad to say my DM is not the same!

It's narcissistic mother territory IMO. My Gran fits the narcisstic mother profile perfectly and has groomed DM in to being a people pleaser with all the usual fear, obligation and guilt.

We went on a three generation holiday about four years ago which should have been lovely but just ended up being a massive eye opener as to how she treats DM (I've lived away from home since 18 so while I knew she could be a dick, I hadn't really seen the full narc mother show before).

I cut contact with her after the holiday. Sent my DM a book about narc mothers which really opened her eyes to how toxic the dynamic was. She still sees her weekly but is much more able to emotionally disengage from the silly games she plays now which is good!

I dint think my mother was jealous of me. She despised me and spoke to and about me with utter contempt.

She criticised every aspect of me physically from my head and every aspect of my character and personality. She criticised every decision I made, tried to get SS involved with me when my son was a baby, made me homeless, lied about me, sabotaged me, was embarrassed by me and repeatedly told me I was unloveable, unworthy and ugly.

She told my brother once that she didn't hate me because she didn't actively want anything bad to happen to me she just didn't care if it did. I haven't seen her for over a decade now.

I don't think any of that was because she was jealous of me but other people have explained it this way. I think she was hypercrticial because she was ashamed of and disappointed in me.

My daughter is 17. She's beautiful, kind, funny, has an excellent work ethic, is compassionate loving and loved. I can't imagine being jealous of her. In awe at times, yes. But jealous? No.

I think mother and daughter relationships can be quite complex.

My first reaction to your post is why would I feel that way about my daughters? I don't at all. I can't imagine why I would.

Then I realised you were talking about your mother and click. My mother is competitive about weight. I really hate that. I'm not at all concerned about such things.

There seems to be enough of us that there are several books out now about narcissitic and/or controlling mothers. It sounds like some of them are threatened by their daughters, and some of them have unrealistic expectations about their daughters... it;s incredibly damaging.

I haven't had children, I was fearful I might turn out the same way - I worked in a psych hospital for a while and one of the nurses was having counselling because she'd had a violent mother, was expecting her first child, and was fearful she would abuse her child the same way her mother had abused her.

I think my mother had suffered childhood trauma - my grandfather had come home from the Somme in WW1 an alcoholic (understandably) and was violent when drunk and beat up her mother in front of her- her brother died young - this in times when there was no help or counselling for families - I suspect all that trauma came out when she raised us kids - although I still don't understand why she undermined me so much.

My brother is a gifted pianist but believes he is hopeless - same trouble - never had encouragement, only criticism from our parents.

I did read a couple of books on narcissitic mothers and there are utube videos about this too, which are helpful.

Yes my mum was like this. I feel she was jealous of me, of the opportunity i had growing up. She tried her hardest to shoot me down/throw a spanner in the works.

I could read music at primary school, tried to move on to a different instrument but wasnt allowed, couldnt afford it. Taught myself how to play different songs. Taught myself how to play piano. I played them a song on the piano keyboard but they were like, whatever!

told i was fat growing up, constant digs about puppy fat and stomach rolls

not interested in my schooling. No attendance at parents evenings, help with homework, or encouragement to do well. No helpful discussions of what to do when i left school.

i got myself a good opportunity to work for a brilliant company. Was told to stop showing off. My sister didn’t do so well, had no ambition and ended up in a dead end job. I was always classed “she thinks shes too good for that” you look down your nose. Money bags. She hated i worked in an office.

when i got engaged, she wasn’t interested and just asked me why i was getting married?! What you doing that for?

buying a house, i was so excited. She just picked fault and wasnt happy for me

🤷🏻‍♀️

my mum is dead now but i often wonder how id approach a conversation about it all now if she was still alive

Yes my mum is like this I’ve posted about it before I was the black sheep and scapegoat too and ignored for years during childhood

called fat and been on a diet since 3 I’m now 40 and have every eating disorder she’s obsessed with weight

never called by my name not even now there are 5 daughters jealous of us all but she’s never liked me I’ve never felt loved but after years of dealing with it I’ve accepted it I love my mum but I don’t understand her

My mother was jealous of me.

My greatest joy is my daughters' success.

My mum seems to be that way with me. Anyone I have a good relationship with she is burning with jealousy/hatred and goes out of her way to ruin it. She even set up cameras once to spy on me and my father as we have always had a good relationship. Very strange, and as a mum of two girls, I couldn't ever imagine being jealous of them or looking at them the way my mum has me over the years. She's never wanted any of us (me or my 3 siblings) to flourish. She's wanted us all to have a bog standard life under her wing/control. Sadly I was so naive I allowed this to happen. It's only recently I've pieced it all together and I'm determined to distance from her. She has made my life a total and utter misery for a long time

I have had a conversation with my gorgeous DD17 tonight about how I want her to go further than I could ever dream, have a fun, happy and safe life and do everything she wants to do with her life! I mean it sincerely. She is my everything. I love her more than I love myself. She knows this. She has her struggles but she knows I will always be there for her if things go wrong and I will do all in my power to fix it! I'm sorry your mother was like this with you. I can't imagine what it is like as my DM was exactly the same as me and wanted us to achieve in life and showed love. I only hope you show yourself the love you wished you had from her, you truly deserve it xx

My mum would actually come and sit between me and my dad if we were having a conversation without her. Like sit in front if me and block me and say 'why aren't you talking to me' to my dad. Astounding when I look back at it.

Wow Brightandshining, that sounds so like my mother!
It's so disappointing and sad, reading all the experiences above, that mothers can be like this.
I still can't really understand it. 😕

Can you look at her childhood - is there a relative you could ask?
There will be something there which contributed to this. It then means her behaviour is all to do with her -and not about you.

I wonder if some of these mothers resent the opportunities their daughters had, when they were denied them?
I think my mother was highly intelligent but lived at a time when girls did not go to university. Maybe she ensured I wouldn't have those opportunities either.
Some of the above stories sound like this could be a possibility.
Everyone's stories are quite heartbreaking. 😢

I had a cold and distant mother and am still unravelling it now in therapy.

I also have twin teenage daughters and it’s extremely challenging. It’s very clear to me that parenting them through these years is triggering a lot of things about my own upbringing - mainly sadness as I remember how alienating and scary and hard teenage years are and I recall how I never felt particularly loved or wanted or safe at home myself… it must have been a very damaging time for me.

I’m quite distant from my mother emotionally now, but am trying to have compassion for her in that she was somehow doing her best, with what she had available. I don’t understand it, but it was partly of its time - I don’t remember ever being told I was loved, whereas I tell my children daily.