Mothers who are jealous or resentful of their daughters

[nodneat]

I have suffered this, it had resulted in low self esteem and depression. Constant comparisons, no compassion, love or support. I recognise now, this was a failing in my mother and she didn't haven't the skills to parent.. or did she?
So, any mothers out their who undermine their daughters, contradict, or are jealous. Is there something I'm missing? I'm very sad about it, but am finally coming to terms with it and moving on...

I'll be honest , I did double and triple and quadruple checked , because like you I couldn't believe I was capable of that.

Wow, that sounds so similar to me. Only one of my brothers married and had kids but he was mother's favourite and he's horrible to me, I haven't seen him in decades. My other brother and I never married or had children.
I had counselling for ages to try to deal with my upbringing. I never had any self confidence and got bullied at work constantly.
It really affects our whole lives doesn't it.
Where are you in Australia, I'm in NSW.

There is a book by Australian author Amy Witting, the title is "I for Isobel". It's a novel written years ago about this sort of mother. The writer's mother was narcissistic.
I'd recommend it to anyone here. You'll recognise the mother in the story and how she treats her daughter Isobel!
It's a fabulous book, you can still buy it and at least in Australia most libraries stock it. Not sure about the UK, but it should be available there too.

I feel this OP.

I love my mum very dearly, she is a wonderful person, but I have realised in recent years that weight was clearly a very big part of her life growing up. It still is.
When I was a late teen, I developed an eating disorder. I allowed myself 900 calories a day, ate a load of junk in the morning, wouldn't eat all day. Realised it was a problem when I could see my ribs.

In my mid 20s I put on a lot of weight due to mental health issues relating to a chronic illness. I couldn't do the exercise I enjoyed, and comfort ate. I remember her commenting on how she was thinner than me.
She lost a lot of weight due to stress and we swapped clothes sizes, she was delighted. This really hurt me.

I realise as an adult there was something there about me having a young adult body, and there was clearly some jealousy around me being thin, to almost celebrate my weight gain. To be truly happy when your daughter gives you all her old clothes that don't fit because of health issues - it doesn't make sense.

I love her a lot but this is all something I have come to accept, as I have reparented myself around this.

I wonder what happened to her in her youth that made everything all about size, but then again, I don't know many people aged 55 - 75 that aren't the same.

Reading all this,I see my mother in every post

She was desperate for children-i think she wanted to mold us into 'her'

I was a child carer for my (darling) grandad because she simply couldn't be bothered to do it-im 100% convinced I was born to care for him,and again when she and my father got old

She never calls me by my name-i moved away and I'm called 'new town' not my real name-you can see it hurting her if she has to say it

She is a very overweight woman-i was a size 12/14-i had endless snide comments about my weight/figure/legs and tits-('shame youve got fuck all on top and are fat down there')its like she was jealous

She had her golden child son-my other brothers fight every minute to be the next golden child-shes tried the same with her grandchildren

She refused to allow me an higher education-school was free childcare

I went back to college and started passing exams-to my amazment-she couldn't stand for that

She tried so hard to make me quit,when that didn't work,she slagged me off to anyone who would listen

She tells everyone I'd shag anything-she flirted with every bloke I came into contact with and broke up every relationship I had (it's no coincidence that when I finally went nc,I met my now dp and have been happy for the last 8 years)

As a child she'd think nothing of rooting round my bedroom and if she found anything she'd take glee in sharing it-always had an excuse for being in my room-she once found my diary and read it out to the family at a mealtime-oh that was so 'funny' and I was 'too sensitive' apparently

I never had anything nice as a child/teen

I used to dread non uniform days as my clothes where shabby,unfashionable and where way to big

I looked like a boy my whole childhood-my head was almost shaved (I don't know what she'd have done to a sister as I don't have one)

I wasn't allowed anything I wanted or hobbies-she had to choose-I wanted to do horse riding and brownies-i was made to do dance and art

I wasn't allowed to be a girl-no dollies,my little ponies,no barbies etc

She once took all my toys-no asking-she just took them-my childhood ended that day

No money for basic stuff-food,clothes,san-pro (I was handed one pad,my first period) ,school uniform,trips,books/paper/pens/bits a child needs for school-i had to pay for myself from 11 onwards-my brothers wanted something-it was there straight away

My children-she wanted full control,I could bring them up her way-i was just there for the boring bits-it was her way I'd I'd get endless crap and endless calls to ss

Shed buy utter crap (you'd be ashamed to bin the tat she bought my lot-shabby wasn't the word) and if I refused to put it on them,a call to ss would be made

I've been nc 15+ years-my only regret is I didn't do it sooner

My mother has always belittled me and diminished every achievement I’ve had. I’ve grown up being called slack, gormless. This has caused me a life long self esteem issues. She had me when she was young and I realise now I wasn’t planned but she had me and stayed with my dad who was unsupportive and immature. They argued and fought all the time. She’d take him back because he’s my dad. I think she’s blamed me for her shit life and put her own misfortune down to bad luck. She doesn’t take it out on my brother.
I had an unsuccessful marriage - I chose to leave and make my own luck. She’s just so spiteful because I didn’t stay in a rubbish situation. She’s shouted at me and my new partner in our own home and in front of my kids a couple of times. She says I’m a bad mother too. I haven’t spoken to her since the beginning of the year and don’t plan to ever. I’m having counselling and moving forward.
I love my own two daughters so much and am so proud of them. I will never put them down or speak to them the way my mum spoke to me.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus How lovely the photos and the relief at being 'allowed' to grow it long again.

Funnily enough I've had long hair ever since, though my EXH was always trying to get me to have it cut too saying that hair too long looked stupid, though it wasn't that long.

I will look at stately homes thread. I have heard of it. That sounds really interesting that the 'golden child' is allowed long hair.

Like another poster I also had the shabbiest clothes or the worst of everything. I was told frequently that academically my sister would 'show me' too, though that didn't ever happen. I never boasted about academic achievements or s as anything I hope it's needless to add, and I had no self confidence.

I can't believe the similarities in these posts! Hair and weight feature an awful lot. Reassuring that it wasn't just me, but sorry you all suffered similarly.

I was NC with my mother for 15 years before she died, I never went to the funeral. Like many on here I wasn’t allowed long hair, constantly criticised for my weight, compared unfavourably to my two older sisters, was always told I’d been a “mistake” as there was a large age gap. I won’t go into the physical abuse but reading the copies of my medical records I have I’m surprised no-one stepped in to protect me. It got worse as I got older, I’d ruined her life, she was disgusted because I left an abusive marriage, how humiliating for her etc etc. It took me years to realise it wasn’t me, it had been her all along and a lot of years to unpick the damage she’d done to me. The excuse my family gave me was she suffered “with her nerves”, I’ve been NC with them for 28 years now. They appeared to think it was normal that a mother said she was going to stick her head in a gas oven if a 6 year old wouldn’t go to sleep…

My wonderful MIL was the person who taught me my true worth, she treated me like a daughter, celebrated my achievements and was my biggest champion after DH.

I could just about deal with the day to day jealous toxicity - e.g. mentioning my weight,telling me she's better than me etc, but it's the way she sabotages the very few celebrations I've had in my life like throwing a tantrum when I'd given birth to my first child. How can anyone think like that?

Oh and I forgot the fact I was bullied,very badly,by school peers and teachers alike (my face has never fitted)

She not only laughed at me-but she went out of her way to befriend the mothers of these kids and,to this day is besties with my old bullying teachers

I mean who the fuck does that?

It meant these brats where invited round with their mothers,so I had no escape at either home or at school,and to see her laughing,joking and chatting about my children,sharing funny stories or chatting about issues they had with the teacher bullies really hurt-im an ignorant bitch for not wanting to know them as an adult

But it's OK as the worst teacher lost her adult dd and husband within a year of each other-that makes up for it apparently

I remember walking home one day-id had a disagreement with another child the day before and her mother stood outside my house and started screaming at me

My mother made it her mission to befriend this bitch until the family moved away

She was also obsessed with fertility

I knew a family who couldn't have babies-3 rounds of ivf and they had twins

Mum and dad hit a rocky patch and split up

Mum then fell pregnant with another child-broke up with that babies father and got back with her husband

My mother was obsessed with who the 'fault' laid with-after all,it couldn't have been the mum as she got pregnant within 6 months of leaving her husband so it must have been his 'fault'

Would she hell as drop it behind this poor families back-really nasty comments but all sweetness to their faces

It's none of her business

Trigger warning
Just wanted to add (as I haven’t been on here for a while) but the hair has rung true with me.
I literally cut my mother off in Nov last year when my then amazing councillor I can’t afford ‘gave me permission’ to put boundaries in place.
I had tried when DD was a month old following a derogatory comment when breast feeding in public, but she drip, drip, dripped back into my life with my (separated) father (serial adulterer) / family members reaffirming she had an ‘awful upbringing’ and ‘she is my mother…’
When I was 5, she told me she was offered ‘an abortion on a plate’ when she was 3 months pregnant with me at age 19. Around this time she also played dead following yet another outburst. I thought she was. I was terrified.
She told me her teeth fell out and she went grey when pregnant with me (but I believe this was genetic as my brother also went grey early).
When I was 6 I queried if I could kill myself from the stair window. I never told anyone as I was so loyal to her - but looking back it’s so awful and FU.
Not my fault but it continued; the pulling of hair around the room, slaps, foot in the chest when I’d just started my periods - right in front of my toddler brother, hits, hidings, mental torture (with a touch of born again prayer time together post-outbursts), belittling, moles called ‘brown lumps’, ‘toothy’, ‘horseteeth’. Curly mop, skinny, bony. Patronising me if my beautiful grandmother (fathers mum - dead 10y) commented on my hair.
She took me for a haircut just before I started secondary school in a different county (so knew no one after being quite popular in previous primary) insisting it was short. I look like a total freak in the 80’s pic and I was bullied TF.
Constantly belittled me through my teens.
I watched my weight. Cut my hair when enraged after arguments. Left home at 19. Tried to make it work with her over all of those years.
We had a huge drunk row last year. She literally came to my home with an agenda. It was awful and she undermined me when my children were trying to sleep.. I won’t have it.
Now nearly 50 this year and it took this long to get some backbone but it’s so challenging!
Have a beautiful DD 12 (and son). I have never ever said anything derogatory to DD as all of the above is still raw so; appearance, tastes, opinions, thoughts. I encourage her in all ways. But she’s quiet and lacks confidence which concerns me and she’s very secretive. If she went to live with her Dad I wouldn’t mind (a PP said this happened). I’d be hurt but - whatever benefits her life.
Anyway, just ramblings from a messed up daughter… I’m amazed I have got this far when I recall all of this hatred in all honesty. Does any of this seem real? I find it hard to believe when I think about it (and those are the memories I can remember - gawd knows what else went on)… The cruelty and my father not having a clue makes me quite cross.
Has anyone tried hypnosis to recall ‘stuff’ please? I’d be grateful for whether this would be beneficial…

My mother didn't actually raise me (long story). But when we did see each other, she would give me a toy and then a few hours later ask for it back. She would sit and silently stare at me.

Can I ask others, these women you are describing: how do they operate out in the world? Are they very competitive with other women? Do they have a lot of internalised misogyny? Do they have men on a pedestal?

I ask because I've met a lot of women like this in the last few years since relocating. Most of my close friends are women, but I now steer clear of this type.

Are the ones doing this out in the world the same ones doing it to their daughters?

Can I ask others, these women you are describing: how do they operate out in the world? Are they very competitive with other women? Do they have a lot of internalised misogyny? Do they have men on a pedestal?

In my case, yes. My mother venerates men and this plays out in my relationship with my brother, who can do no wrong. She takes him seriously; she disregards me.

She also made it clear that not having children made me lesser in certain respects, whereas my brother who did have children was inherently wiser.

I don't know if she was competitive with other women, but she definitely had a fair bit of internalised misogyny.

Can I ask others, these women you are describing: how do they operate out in the world? Are they very competitive with other women? Do they have a lot of internalised misogyny? Do they have men on a pedestal?

God, yes, totally.

My mother holds women responsible for all the ills in the world. Men can do no wrong.

Underage girl is groomed/raped by a man old enough to he her grandad? Apparently, I have no idea what these girls are capable of (or what they will do for a new mobile phone). Man is always the victim. Never the girl.

My dad had an affair? My mother shouted at me that I was "the whore who drove your father into the arms of another woman" in the back garden." Loudly. For the neighbours to hear. So that they knew it wasn't her fault. Because it's always a woman's fault.

My mother dropped (or was dropped by) all of her peers and most of our family when she and my dad split up. She took up with friends who she deemed 'beneath' her. Women whom she could look down on and whom she (assumed) would look up to her.

She often accused me of being an 'intellectual snob'. I'm not and she was massively projecting.

I've had a drink so I'm being really careful what I say here...

We haven't had contact with her for 12 years.

Oh and she competed constantly with me.

Asked her boyfriend which of us he thought had better boobs 🤮

Gloated about a man my age (who was obviously looking at me) looking at her and when I asked her if it had even occurred to her he might be looking at me, replied,' "You? Why would he be looking at you?"

It was pointless trying to go out with her because she would spend the whole time trying to catch the attention of any passing man.

My boyfriend stopped the night when I was 21 and she walked around the house in her underwear in front of him.

Just fucking mental.

I don't know that mine ever put men on a pedestal, but there was definitely some internalised misogyny I'm sure.

Weirdness with her about my stepfather, who never crossed the line and behaved inappropriately in physical actions, but I felt uncomfortable at times. For example he would sometimes compliment me on my 'pretty face' and she would say that he didn't say that about her. She would also, if she saw me getting breakfast in my nightdress (I took breakfast up to my bedroom) tell me off that it was too short as there were men in the house and remind me to wear my dressing gown. She even once asked if he'd ever touched me inappropriately.

Just a couple of examples I'd forgotten. Not really pleasant stuff. I'm glad I did break off contact all those years ago.

This really shocked me when I read it. I'm so sorry you experienced this. I hope you've gone on to find some peace and happiness in your adult life

I have this with my stepmother, who has been in my life since age 8, I'm now 40. She's competitive and jealous, she also copies me in a weird way.. its so baffling I find it hard to trust myself that it's real.

In response to you op - I don't think this dynamic is recognised by the parent - they would deny it to themselves and to you /us (and blame us for being the problem)
I dont think it's something they have any self awareness about

I wonder if there are any women reading this right now who can see they are perpetrators.
@boomoohoo you are no doubt right... it would take a special level of self-awareness.

I can no longer socialise with women like this.

I just found a book in my local library called The Narcissist in Your Life by Julie Hall and it's brilliant. She describes these mothers perfectly! Definitely recommended. 🙂

I wondered about outing myself when I included a few details, but I honestly don't think my mother would recognise herself.

I was always the black sheep, treated differently, and she'll have spun some tale to explain to people why we're no longer in contact.

I don't want to write about my own stuff just now, but I want to send love & encouragement to everyone who's contributed.

It's funny when you can see that there must be an instruction manual somewhere that they've all read. I remember on another forum, I wrote down something my mother used to scream at me in one particular circumstance, & a woman from a different country said hers used to do & say exactly the same thing, in her own language!!

OP, thank you for this thread.

Toxic femininity is something we hear nothing of in society but it is the driving force behind all these behaviours. From the narc mum and narc mil to the mothers who are jealous of their children and who treat like like children well into adulthood, it’s an incredibly common thing both on here and in the real world.

There's another thread called Narcisstic mothers where I and many others have commented and we've all had the realisation that as much as our mothers thought they were unique they were/are all the same!

They all think or thought they were perfect, all in competition with us, most obsessed with men and being thinner/more attractive/more clever/more everything than their daughters.

It's a difficult thread because of the pain but it's helped me see a bit more clearly. I still hate her so much.