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Original poster

How to deal with kink taking over

36 replies

OddQuestion1 · 01/09/2023 18:33

My husband and I have a really close relationship and have spoken about all of the desires we had not previously felt able to share in other relationships. He likes the idea of me touching him with silky underwear and also has a massive tights/stocking fetish. I am fine with this in small doses but it is every time now! He will go to my underwear drawer to fetch a pair of my nice pants to wank with which I have asked him not to do. He goes on and on about seeing me in tights and stockings - I am flattered he finds me so appealing when dressed up. On the other hand I want to just have regular sex and be enough without the accessories if you see what I mean. I do not want to kink shame him and have tried (very clumsily) asking that we just have 'normal' sex. I feel a bit awful that I am responsible for his sexual liberation and now want him to tone it down. What do I do? Please bore off the prudish ltb Mumsnet group! I could do with some sisterly advice about how to phrase an opening conversation. Thanks

OP posts:

Hawkins0009 · 01/09/2023 18:34

From previous knowledge with others, would the novelty wear off after a while ?

EmmaEmerald · 01/09/2023 18:36

OP "I do not want to kink shame him and have tried (very clumsily) asking that we just have 'normal' sex."

what about if you say you don't want to feel like you have to put on a show every time you have sex?

CommonVetch · 01/09/2023 18:39

It's really, really important that you feel able to express your own sexual desires in your relationship. And that your desires are as equal as his. If that's not the case here, something needs to change.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2023 18:43

You don't have to be a prude to find your husband repellant. Are you not deeply offended that you've been reduced to barely more than wank fodder? Does he care about you being there at all, or are you just a doll he can put silky knickers on? I'd be completely turned off.

Precipice · 01/09/2023 18:43

He will go to my underwear drawer to fetch a pair of my nice pants to wank with which I have asked him not to do.

Start with reiterating this, and firmly. It's not acceptable that he treat your underwear in this way, against your wishes. You and your belongings are not there for him to get off on as he wishes.

HerAvatar · 01/09/2023 18:47

I want to just have regular sex and be enough without the accessories if you see what I mean

I would tell him exactly this, and remind him that your desires matter too and you'd like some balance in the relationship. Tell him that you don't want to feel that sex is becoming all about his fetish when it should be about you and him and that you need to feel your desires are important too. If he reacts badly to that you have bigger problems but hopefully he won't, good luck!

MoltenLasagne · 01/09/2023 18:52

With fetishism, the desire transfers from the person to the object, that's pretty much what a fetish is. What you're struggling with is that you want him to desire YOU in tights / silk pants / sexy underwear but he's fixating on the objects themselves. It risks turning you into a bit part in your own sex life.

You need to explain that you need an intimate connection as a couple, and to be desired yourself, not as a prop to the items that arouse him. If he persists after the conversation then you've got your answer.

Cherrysoup · 01/09/2023 18:53

I’d be buying and wearing some properly huge granny knickers! Taking your underwear to wank into-is he 12?! That’s unacceptable. Did he not have partners before you? He sounds like a sex starved hormonal teenager.

I get that he’s turned on by the tights/stockings, but I think you should refuse to have these ‘props’ on a constant, he needs to show that he’s attracted to you, not the clothing.

CrackSpackle · 01/09/2023 19:01

First thing I'd do would be to quietly relocate my knickers stash ...

RandomForest · 01/09/2023 19:02

I feel a bit awful that I am responsible for his sexual liberation and now want him to tone it down.

So it's blackmail, you proported to be sexually liberated and he chose the relationship because of that, whereby his previous partners had reasonable boundries which included not being used continually for this kink.

He will state you are changing the contract, is that what you are worried about.

Explain you want and need a different type of sex and if he doesn't understand that then you have a problem.
Don't bow down to a man's demands just to keep them.

ShowersOfShite · 01/09/2023 19:05

The taking your underwear to wank into when you've asked him to stop would put me right off him. A very big thing for exploring kinks and whatever is respect for consent and boundaries and he knows you don't consent or want your underwear taken to be wanted into and does it anyway.

It's not the kink that would put me off him it's the lack of respect for your boundaries.

firstmummy2019 · 01/09/2023 19:07

Could you introduce some rules? For example, you only wear stockings on a particular day of the week.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/09/2023 19:08

That isn't a consensual or mutual kink - its a unilateral fetish on the part of one partner who neither cares about nor wants the consent of the other.

Not a nice thing to discover about any partner, let alone a spouse.

Franklyfrost · 01/09/2023 19:09

You don’t have to phrase it as I want normal sex, not kinky sex. Rather phrase it in the positive: I’d like eye contact, I’d like compliments, I’d like us both to be naked, I’d like whatever it is you’d like… it’s not about kink it’s about being a considerate lover.

If he does the pants thing again develop a fetish for picking up the dog poo with his socks.

Stripeypyjamas · 01/09/2023 19:13

I would be tempted to create my own fetish that involves him cleaning the entire house.

Frogger8395 · 01/09/2023 19:40

He’s taken this so far that I wouldn’t indulge it ever again. Wanking into your underwear after being told not to is fucking revolting and creepy.

I think you have both taken something very different from that conversation. He seems to think it means you’ll accept him acting like a fucking degenerate and objectifying you.

LifeIsShitJustNow · 01/09/2023 19:42

Agree with @ShowersOfShite

The fact he feels it’s ok to use your underwear to wank, the same underwear he wants you to wear when you have sex, and still the same underwear you’ve told him not to use for that purpose tells me he has no respect for you.

He has taken your ‘let’s explore what makes us tick’ as a god ahead to do as he pleases with no care for you. How he managed to equate exploring sexuality with not respecting you is probably the most important part.

Can I ask? What is your own ‘fetish’ and does he make an effort to indulge you there too? Because I suspect that somehow his ‘kink’ or rather his own own wants have now taken over and what you enjoy and your own wishes are not even considered anymore…

Naunet · 01/09/2023 19:49

OP, you’re being far too understanding about this when he’s actually being really selfish.

I was married to a man who had a fetish for latex. I thought I’d indulge him and got a few outfits and of course, it took over our sex life. I became an object he’d wank into, I could have been anyone. He couldn’t orgasm without the latex involved in the end and I felt more and more upset about it. He wouldn’t go down on me or even use his fingers because he was squeamish about women’s bodies, didn’t even seem to cross his mind as to if I was having a good time and wanted me to act a certain way, perform for him basically to help get him off. One time I found myself crying in the bathroom whilst stood in a bloody catsuit and realised how selfish he was, he couldn’t care less about my pleasure, it was all about him, I felt used and that’s because I had been.

I left him after that and learnt a big lesson about valuing my own pleasure in future. It’s not ‘kink shaming’, it’s selfish, entitled arsehole shaming, and I’m fully onboard with that.

Dolores87 · 01/09/2023 20:33

Have you talked to him properly instead of awkwardly? As that's what I think you should do
The wanking into your knickers after you have said no isn't ok he needs to stop that or like buy some silk knickers of his own.
If he gets off on tights / stockings I think that's ok but you have to also have your sexual desire met and if that is to have normal sex then he needs to do that too in balance.

Ilovelurchers · 01/09/2023 21:06

"Darling, I have really been fantasising about just having a great vanilla shag without the stockings"

"I would enjoy the stockings thing more if we did it only sometimes, not all the time."

You aren't saying anything awful - you aren't even refusing to ever indulge his fetish again - so if he is a decent fella he should be fine.

And also make sure to ask for anything YOU would particularly like to try, sex-wise.....

EnjoythemoneyJane · 01/09/2023 21:21

MoltenLasagne · 01/09/2023 18:52

This. The problem with fetishistic sex is that it delivers a high that nothing else can come close to; for him, everything else may start to feel vanilla and bland in comparison. Fetishes are inherently self-centred, so fetishistic sex only works long term if both partners share similar or complementary predilections.

If this isn’t where you’re at then you need to tackle it head on. Expressing your own needs and feelings is not kink-shaming, it’s having an equal stake in your own sex life. There’s a big difference between embracing sexual quirks without judgement, and allowing your partner to unilaterally prioritise his wishes over yours.

continentallentil · 01/09/2023 21:26

I think it’s the same as any conversation about sex, find a neutral time and place and be honest and polite.

you don’t want to have sex all the time like this, it isn’t fulfilling your needs, so you need to compromise and keep talking about it. What you both need will change a lot over time.

The danger here is its kink turning into fetish - it would be a good idea to switch things up right now, so it doesn’t become the only way he can get off.

KirstHD1 · 01/09/2023 21:26

It is good that he still has sexual desire. It also seems he is open with you about his wanking into your pants. Be careful not to put him off or drive him underground so that he hides it all.

Is it your clean or your used pants that he likes to wank into? If it is your used pants I would not be bothered provided he puts them in the wash bin afterwards! If it is your clean pants then yes I can understand that. I would buy him some special pants that he likes as a present and say that they are for him to wank into.

Some people find ordinary vanilla sex with the same person over many years not very exciting any more. You must have some fantasises that turn you on? Get him to participate in them.

ChoresSuck · 01/09/2023 21:42

For a start buy him separate underwear him to wank with.

EffortlesslyInelegant · 01/09/2023 21:50

Hawkins0009 · 01/09/2023 18:34

From previous knowledge with others, would the novelty wear off after a while ?

What does this even mean? Where does OP talk about 'previous knowledge' with others?

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