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Original poster

How to deal with kink taking over

36 replies

OddQuestion1 · 01/09/2023 18:33

My husband and I have a really close relationship and have spoken about all of the desires we had not previously felt able to share in other relationships. He likes the idea of me touching him with silky underwear and also has a massive tights/stocking fetish. I am fine with this in small doses but it is every time now! He will go to my underwear drawer to fetch a pair of my nice pants to wank with which I have asked him not to do. He goes on and on about seeing me in tights and stockings - I am flattered he finds me so appealing when dressed up. On the other hand I want to just have regular sex and be enough without the accessories if you see what I mean. I do not want to kink shame him and have tried (very clumsily) asking that we just have 'normal' sex. I feel a bit awful that I am responsible for his sexual liberation and now want him to tone it down. What do I do? Please bore off the prudish ltb Mumsnet group! I could do with some sisterly advice about how to phrase an opening conversation. Thanks

OP posts:
Hawkins0009 · 01/09/2023 22:03

EffortlesslyInelegant · 01/09/2023 21:50

What does this even mean? Where does OP talk about 'previous knowledge' with others?

Show quote history

It was ment to say from previous knowledge on others articles in psychology today about different kinks etc, would the novelty wear off ?

RandomForest · 01/09/2023 22:07

Hawkins0009 · 01/09/2023 22:03

It was ment to say from previous knowledge on others articles in psychology today about different kinks etc, would the novelty wear off ?

Show quote history

I took it as though it meant, he had certain requirements that wern't met by previous partners so he moved on and looked for someone who was more accomodating.

Maybe this has been happening in his past relationships and they couldn't cope, not just that he couldn't tell them of his kink.

supercali77 · 01/09/2023 22:32

You said you already tried explain to him that you sometimes wanted 'regular' sex...what was his response to that?

tothelefttotheleft · 01/09/2023 22:50

ChoresSuck · 01/09/2023 21:42

For a start buy him separate underwear him to wank with.

Why should she do this? He should not her.

Planesmistakenforstars · 02/09/2023 06:15

Can you show him your post? It's pretty clearly articulated.

But...

He will go to my underwear drawer to fetch a pair of my nice pants to wank with which I have asked him not to do.

You've already had the conversation and he's not listening.
You have stated a really clear boundary which he ignores. He thinks getting himself off how he wants to is more important than what you want. You are already worried about bringing it up because of it being framed as "kink shaming," which is just a way to shut down what you want.

fuckssaaaaake · 02/09/2023 07:02

Rank

SunflowerTed · 02/09/2023 19:14

Precipice · 01/09/2023 18:43

He will go to my underwear drawer to fetch a pair of my nice pants to wank with which I have asked him not to do.

Start with reiterating this, and firmly. It's not acceptable that he treat your underwear in this way, against your wishes. You and your belongings are not there for him to get off on as he wishes.

Hahahahahahahah

bonzaitree · 02/09/2023 21:15

I would say to him you’d really like to have sex where you just focus on each other sometimes. Rather than focusing on his kinks.

Maybe he could ask you if it’s a kinky night then you can say yes / no depending how you’re feeling.

Plazzy · 05/01/2024 00:25

Ilovelurchers · 01/09/2023 21:06

"Darling, I have really been fantasising about just having a great vanilla shag without the stockings"

OR

"I would enjoy the stockings thing more if we did it only sometimes, not all the time."

You aren't saying anything awful - you aren't even refusing to ever indulge his fetish again - so if he is a decent fella he should be fine.

And also make sure to ask for anything YOU would particularly like to try, sex-wise.....

This, totally. At the risk of getting flamed, I've been that guy (tho not the thing with the knickers, that has to stop right now) in my 20s. And DW called a halt when I got too lingerie-happy. I saw her point, and realised I'd been acting like a kid in a sweet shop, not an adult. So it went off the agenda for a while but returned a little bit when we were both in the mood. Much better; I don't want to feel I'm using someone.

I don't agree btw that 'the object takes over'. It's the combination of someone you love and desire, plus the underwear, or whatever. It's exciting when they're up for it. But it's got to be 'you getting turned on turns me on' or it's one-sided, selfish.

perfectcolourfound · 05/01/2024 12:39

His selfishness is surely very unsexy.

You've told him and he's ignored you.

You say you have a very open relationship and have spoken about all your desires, but you don't feel you can be honest with him about this. It seems as though you are both putting HIS desires first, ahead of yours.

When I first got together with DH I had a few items of 'sexy' underwear. I didn't enjoy wearing them particularly but thought it's what you did. DH told me there was nothing more sexy than my body and it didn't need trimming up to look good. THAT was much more complimentary.

To your question - you have to be absolutely honest with him. Tell him you don't enjoy doing it the way he seems to want every time. (Interestingly, he's turned a kink into 'vanilla' sex by always wanting to do it). Remind him that your secual wants are just as important as his. Remind him that neither of you should ever do something you don't want to do. If he doesn't get on board with that, enthusiastically, you have a problem.

Mumsnut · 05/01/2024 13:17

Does he wear the knickers for his wankfests?

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