Stalking?

[Pandermonium]

February of this year I went no contact with my narcissist mother and subsequently my father who, as always, went along with her bull.

Had the police out in June due to non stop phone calls, messages and daily banging on our door (since blocked all their numbers on all devices) .
We installed a security camera after my mother came screaming, shouting and threatening me.

Since camera was installed they have stopped coming to the door. They are still driving into our cul-de-sac and sitting in their car, most days, staring at/in our house meaning I now live with the curtains closed which is horrible.
Also leaving the house all day, every day to try and avoid them.
But they come at various times, multiple times a day sometimes as late as 10pm.

They recently Cornered my children at the park (it's next to the house) refusing to let them leave, demanding they talk to them.
The children do not wish to see or speak to them as they are terrified of my mother and her violent outbursts.

I have most of these visits documented although due to being out I haven't got all of them.
Has this now crossed from harassment to stalking?

It is very intimidating, I live in a state of constant fear and anxiety, as do my children. They are having nightmares and no longer play at the park or out the front.

The police have been very little help.
What can I do?

Hi @Pandermonium
Could you get a restraining order out against them? It will cost, sorry not sure how much but it maybe worth it. If they go against the restraining order, you can ring the police and they'll be arrested. Hope things get better xx

I dad a similar but different situation with my ex husband. What I was told was you need to make it clear you don't want their communication and if they persist after that it can be classed as harassment. So have you sent your mother a text message, email (anything that's traceable) to state you don't want her communication?

Thank you @Summer2424 . I am looking into a non-molestation order.
I don't really know how they work and from what I can see they can argue it. She is already spreading lies about us to everyone.

How would I stop the judge believing her?
She comes across as this sweet old lady but she is vile, spiteful and dangerous.

If it got refused it would makes things 100 times worse.

Thank you, I have told her, my partner has told her and my children have told her. Which my neighbour witnessed.

I think I also sent a message to my dad early on requesting they stop contacting us. But I no longer have those.

I would certainly send her a text message clearly stating you don't want any contact. I wouldn't block her after either as if she replies you won't see it.

Also have you kept a diary of all these events? Have you also seeked advise from the police regarding it? The police will ask them to leave you alone. Again this would be evidence.

If you're concerned that applying for a restraining order and not getting one will make it worse. I would deffo make sure i collated and collected as much info about it all now.

Yes I have contacted the police, they've been out. they did offer To go around but I said not to as it would make her worse.

A few weeks later someone reported them to the police for being in a coercive relationship (anonymously- it wasn't me) she then came here ready for a fight. Luckily I was out.

Yes I also have a diary of events and have saved the footage from our camera since it was installed.

I cannot bring myself to message her. I know I'm being a coward but I am terrified of her and what she is capable of.
The police know they have been told not to contact us any further and are happy that they have received this message.

O brill. So no misunderstanding to wiggle their way out if it.

There is also a non molestation order (I think this means it's civel) you can look it up in line.

You say the police have been very little help and then you say you told them not to go round and talk to your parents. They can't help you if you won't let them.

Talk to the police again and follow their advice. Also talk to a solicitor and follow theirs. You need to address this head on, however frightening that may be, otherwise you'll never be rid of them.

I'd film them outside. Each time go 'right so its x time and date and here they are are again' then once I'd have a bunch, I'd upload to Facebook for the world to see. Shame them. If you want them to not be able to deny it, have todays paper each day and show the date in the video too. So they cant say the film was all shot in the same day. Things like days where there is different weather will help too.

I'd also link any family or friends of family I actually like and let them see too.

The only way to stop these people is the threat to make what they are doing public to those they won't want knowing about it. Make sure obvious you are not afraid to tell the world what they are up to. And of course to pursue legal avenues.

Keep on to the police. Show them the videos.

Missed that you had told the police not to bother going round. Seriously!?

Op come on now, the police need to be allowed to do their job. Otherwise how can they help?

Yes it provably will make it worse, at first. But you keep on down that route until they realise that going against police advise to leave you alone has further consequences. You keep contacting the police until they either get the message and leave you alone or there are charges brought.

It won't be a fun time. But otherwise what incentive do they have to leave you alone? Ignoring them isn't working.

You need to let the police do their job and intervene.
I’d write one last, very formal, message which cannot be misunderstood.
e.g.
To Mrs Y ZZZZ
and Mr X ZZZZ

Please note from this date I do not wish you to make any contact with me whatsoever, in a form. I also expressly forbid you from approaching, speaking to or touching my children, namely A.B and C.
I do not want you to approach my property and should you do this I will contact the police and ask them to take steps within the laws of harassment.
Signed
Dated

Make sure your address is on it so it’s watertight. Send it signed for. Keep a copy and the receipt from PO. Check online it’s delivered and screenshot that.
Any time they make you feel intimidated report to police.
You cannot go on living like this, it sounds awful.

• any form.

Stalking is FOUR - fixated, obsessive, unwanted and repeated.

You need to let the police do their job and speak to them. If they continue the behaviour they can act. You won’t get a non mol if they haven’t been spoken to officially.

It was in June the police came and I asked them whether it was worth them speaking with my parents.
They said if it was likely to make it worse, it would be better to leave it and if the threats continued call them back and then they would speak with them. Especially as we were meant to be moving 300 miles away within a few weeks of that incident, but that fell through.
So I agreed, as I knew it would definitely make it worse.

Which after the report from the anonymous person and the police going to their home, it most certainly has. She is convinced it was me, so is now making life hell.

I've been keeping a diary as directed by the police but they only said to call them if she came back screaming and threatening. So I haven't called them again.
But now I'm thinking maybe I was meant to log each incident? Maybe With 101.

I will take some recordings, thank you for the idea @Pinkbonbon .

Contact the police... Gracie's law UK.

@Pandermonium

Could you move house? I know it's drastic, but so is leaving your home all day every day to avoid her. and if she doesn't know where you are she can't harass you at your home. If you own your home, consider putting it on the market with no sign outside.

Yes, this is exactly what we're doing. Just trying to get somewhere. We do have a new place lined up, all being well we should be able to be out of here before Halloween.

You may find the National Stalking Helpline useful for advice on what to do next. No one should have to live like this.

www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

Please don't do what Pink says abc upload the cottage to FB. You don't need to fight this with drama.

Speak to the Police again and let them go around and speak to your "D"M.

Don't worry about her spreading lies either. Anyone who knows you won't believe them and anybody who doesn't know you isn't worth worrying about.

Have you ever had any Counselling over your M's behaviour and how that's made you feel and how it's affecting you and your family?

You don't need to wait until she comes back screaming and threatening.
If she is pursuing a course of conduct which she knows or ought to know is harassment - she commits the offence. Its DV related, so it should be a priority for the police.

The police can attend her address and warn her if you wish

Or if you don't think this will work, you should have enough to pursue it to court. They will need a statement from you, can your children provide statements (depends on their age), your partner, neighbours etc

CCTV will be good too including your neighbour's doorbell cameras to show them parked in the street. Is there any council CCTV in the area or ANPR cameras?

Or - non mols orders can be another option.

Ring 101 to log the incident each time so they can build a picture.
I had the same problem with the police giving me the option of 'doing nothing' in case it antagonised the situation. Of course I chose that. I shouldn't have been given the choice in hindsight. Next time push for them to speak to her otherwise she will just carry on as she is getting away with that intimidating behaviour. ESPECIALLY as its affecting the kids

You can't say one minute it's a pain and the next you wouldn't let the police deal with it. We had the exact same except was hubby's half sister. We did eventually call the police as her threats and stalking got beyond a joke and they sorted it all out and helped us get an order and we've had the most peaceful 2 years ever and we have moved unknown to her now also

I had this exact situation with my mother and stepfather. We kept the barrages of voicemails and hateful letters, and reported every visit, every instance of them sitting in the car outside or dumping stuff on our doorstep, to the police. We were lucky to get an officer who completely saw through her (and she is GOOD - she hoodwinked countless social workers and teachers etc). They were made to sign the harassment act and undertake to leave us alone - the officer put the wind up them and told them they would end up in prison if they didn't stop it. It largely worked, give or take the odd brief flurry of batshit voicemails, but we don't use our landline at all any more so we don't have to hear them. There's been no contact for 12 years now.

I know how scary, hurtful and overwhelming this shit is - mine actually tried to snatch one of our children from nursery at one point. We felt hunted for months. Hang in there - keep everything and keep reporting to the police. You absolutely do have a right to be left alone.

With enough evidence the Police can apply for a Stalking Prevention Order.

You have the right to peaceful enjoyment of your home. You’re not getting that with them parked outside, and cornering your kids is absolutely not acceptable. You are being imprisoned and this is exactly what they want. Call the police and start the official process of restraining order/non-mol, whatever is suggested. This way when (because they will) kick off, there will be REAL consequences.