How many people do you date at once on OLD and why ?

Livelifelaughter · 2023-09-01T14:38:45+00:00

Some advice here. Feeling a bit stung. I met a really nice guy on OLD and after a long first date we had a long and lovely second dinner date, we had a lot of banter etc...he messaged me afterwards, a few days later to say he had met someone else and paraphrasing was very into her. He flew abroad the morning after we met. I messaged him back to say that I wish he had told me before we met for dinner...I totally agree with meeting a number of people on first dates, but second dates I am more selective about and I don't want fancy lunches and dinners with lots of people, certainly not when I feel I have met someone great...I feel played by this guy. Any views?

Pinkbonbon · 01/09/2023 15:56

Personally I think 2 or 3 dates with multiple people is fine. Eg if it so happens that you had a few first dates line up and found you liked them both.

Sometimes it takes a few dates to establish if you're compatible, but if you liked them both then of course you should go on more dates with both to see who suits you.

Imo it's actually arguably fair game until either about a month has past or, you sleep with one of them (if you do so early on). And even then, only if it goes well. Because if you're incompatible there then it's back to the drawing board anyway.

I think at only 2 dates in it is perfectly fair for him to have chose someone else. If it was date 5 or something, I'd be raging. But as is, he's even been respectful enough to let you know the score rather than just fading away. So I think 'feeling played' is a bit dramatic.

Darhon · 01/09/2023 16:03

I was several months into OLD and it’s a bit of a game, so I did double date a bit. Never beyond 2 dates though. But if something wasn’t going anywhere, or I wasn’t sure, I’d keep chatting. However, if I met someone and had 2 dates and liked them, I wouldn’t chat to other people and would give it a shot. I think he let you go early enough and was honest. That’s good in OLD as I was definitely benched by someone I liked and had 2 dates with and I spent about 6 weeks in total chatting and it never went anywhere.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 01/09/2023 16:05

I think 2/3 dates with multiple people is ok, beyond that isn’t really on.

Onelifeonly · 01/09/2023 16:07

He was honest with you and didn't just ghost. So although I understand you feel put out, it probably means he liked you enough, just met someone he liked even better. That is the point of dating, to be fair.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 16:07

So I think it's probably because after our first date I got a message saying "beautiful" blah blah and he immediately booked a very expensive restaurant near my home and we had a six hour date ...I agree though in OLD it's probably a bit much to suggest that I have been played. I was just surprised that if he had met someone else he would want to spend the last day before he went away for a week with me; I read something into that and the whole experience made me feel special. Silly me.

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samestyle · 01/09/2023 16:07

It's never nice news to know they prefer someone else to you but it was date 2 and no discussion of being exclusive then I think you have presume they are interested in others. I personally don't date more than one because I'm that fussy it can be months before I'll find a match I like enough, can understand it sting a bit, especially if you liked them more.

Sparkshaveflown · 01/09/2023 16:10

I think this could happen with any date. I personally do not touch OLD but, this happens in real world too. Ultimately, dates are about getting to know one another. I think you really liked him and it just was not reciprocated. Equally, under different circs he could not have been for you. It sucks but keep putting yourself out there Op, selectively. You will meet someone who gives you "big wows", I am sure. In the meantime, look after yourself.

Pinkbonbon · 01/09/2023 16:10

Sounds like he was a bit of a love bomber anyway.

I'd be mega uncomfortable with texts about how 'beautiful' I was at just a couple of dates in. It would be like 'mate, chill'.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 16:11

Onelifeonly · 01/09/2023 16:07

He was honest with you and didn't just ghost. So although I understand you feel put out, it probably means he liked you enough, just met someone he liked even better. That is the point of dating, to be fair.

Yes, you're right. I think in OLD it's so common to ghost and he didn't. I think I was put out that he said he found someone he was really into (paraphrase) it made me feel as though he was just trying to see if I was a better bet or not, bit like I was in a competition.

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Pinkbonbon · 01/09/2023 16:13

Ps: I know long dates can be tempting but I future avoid them. Especially early on. Because they can foster a false sense of closeness too fast. Not saying everyone who likes a long date is a love bomber or anything but those sort can use these dates to their advantage.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/09/2023 16:14

He hasn’t played you or done anything wrong per se

hes been honest

he has however disappointed you greatly and im sorry for that ☹️

ita disappointing when the chemistry is one sided

Sparkshaveflown · 01/09/2023 16:19

"@Livelifelaughter bit like I was in a competition".

You are not in a competition. Have more faith and confidence in yourself.

EBearhug · 01/09/2023 16:25

I only had one threesome, but usually just one on a date is best... oh.... 😉

I agree that 2 or 3 is fine. They are sort of in competition with each other (and also with me being single, which is a harder contest.)

Chatting to 9 at once was a bit many (I was a bit bored at Christmas...), but I find if you ignore them, they end up culling themselves, unless they're really keen. The point of dating is to get to know people and see how you get along, and sometimes that takes more than one date. He's been open and honest, and many aren't, so I think you just need to chalk it up to experience.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 16:32

Sparkshaveflown · 01/09/2023 16:10

I think this could happen with any date. I personally do not touch OLD but, this happens in real world too. Ultimately, dates are about getting to know one another. I think you really liked him and it just was not reciprocated. Equally, under different circs he could not have been for you. It sucks but keep putting yourself out there Op, selectively. You will meet someone who gives you "big wows", I am sure. In the meantime, look after yourself.

Thank you that's kind

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TotalOverhaul · 01/09/2023 16:33

I think having two or three dates is fine. More, even, if you are not sure who you will get on with better, long term. My cut off point would be sleeping with someone, or anything more than a kiss. Before getting to that stage, I think it's only fair to have a conversation about exclusivity and expectations.

It's upsetting but I don't think he played you at all. It was only two dates. The first date is simply to see if you are incompatible. The second is to start to see if you actually get on. He was honest, which is a good sign.

Hope you meet someone lovely soon.

Sparkshaveflown · 01/09/2023 16:35

@Livelifelaughter ✌️

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 16:36

I suppose I read into it that because we were getting on marvellously and he was saying how different I was to others and he was with me hours before catching a long haul flight and going away that he was actually really interested in me ...I have had second dates with other people but this really felt different. If think I almost forgot that on OLD people bounce around...still regardless I just wouldn't have spent that amount of time before going away with someone just for the sake of it.

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Sparkshaveflown · 01/09/2023 16:43

Op, are there any real world opportunities for you to meet people? Work? Hobbies? Local village activities? Tradesmen at hse? Parkrun? Salsa class? Walking club? If you are in to fitness, there is also a Fitness Single's dating site.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 16:46

Sparkshaveflown · 01/09/2023 16:43

Op, are there any real world opportunities for you to meet people? Work? Hobbies? Local village activities? Tradesmen at hse? Parkrun? Salsa class? Walking club? If you are in to fitness, there is also a Fitness Single's dating site.

Yes, but it could be my age group...I meet men who have left long marriages and are after something casual dressed up as something serious...but that's another story.

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occhiazzurri · 01/09/2023 17:49

Your are spot on - if you are dating in your late 30s and beyond, you are likely meeting divorced men who are after casual sex in most cases, no matter what they say they are looking for. Most people I and my friends have met fall into this category so it is likely this person may well have expected sex after a dinner and if that didn’t happen, they have simply moved on to the next person.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/09/2023 18:09

occhiazzurri · 01/09/2023 17:49

Your are spot on - if you are dating in your late 30s and beyond, you are likely meeting divorced men who are after casual sex in most cases, no matter what they say they are looking for. Most people I and my friends have met fall into this category so it is likely this person may well have expected sex after a dinner and if that didn’t happen, they have simply moved on to the next person.

Okay , he said he met someone who he was "very attracted to" so if that's the case why would you then go on a long lunch immediately before a week's work trip..we are both in our 50s.

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SamW98 · 01/09/2023 18:29

I can hardly find one man I’m interested in dating let alone be dating several at the same time

I know it seems to be the done thing to have several irons in the fire these days but I’m old school and it’s not for me.

Sparkshaveflown · 01/09/2023 20:25

Op, I am same age grp as you. There are the odd few nice guys out there. Stay positive .

Mediocrates · 04/09/2023 07:50

Any man who cracks out the “You’re different to others” is an instant red flag to me.

Catastrophejane · 04/09/2023 08:17

I used to feel quite anxious about the fact that people you date online are potentially seeing other people, but a friend told me something reassuring-

if you are compatible, you’ll stand out in contrast to the other dates.