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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i want to leave him but im to scared....

27 replies

theboob · 02/03/2008 10:21

i dont feel the same about him anymore ,he is mean and violent(not to me,he breaks things in temper)he goes out drinking and spends every penny we have,he wants us to move into a pub (new job for him)but know if i do i'll be setting myself up for a life of misery,but i am so frightened

OP posts:
missingtheaction · 02/03/2008 10:32

of what? what do you think he will do?

Original poster
theboob · 02/03/2008 10:36

not of him could not give 2 s**t's about him,just of how i will cope,im a student and of ever meeting anybody else,i have been with dh since school ,i have never been on my own and my body is knackered now,cant imagine showing it to another man

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 02/03/2008 10:42

well, if it makes you feel stronger, lots of people cope jut st fine being single, of course it is scary at first, but in lots of ways it is easier too.

I was a student with a ten week old baby when I left my ex. It was the best thing I even did, gots lots of support and help from university, and it was easier on my own.

Take things just one step at a time, concentrate on things right now, don't worry too much about the future, things have a habit of falling into place.

As for never finding another man, lots of people do! You sound quite young (not meant to be patronising though) you've got years ahead of you to build up your confidence and energy. Which you will do if you get out of this situation.

Original poster
theboob · 02/03/2008 10:48

im 26,
thanks for advice,i know it is for the best,just dont feel strong enough,i have 3 dc

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 02/03/2008 10:49

You managed to survive before you met him - you can survive without him.

You'll cope just fine, there are millions of people out there who won't make your life such a misery, so don't settle for any less.

As scary as it is to imagine being without someone who has been with you for so long, put it into perspective and think of how scary it is knowing that your one chance at life will be spent being so miserable because you couldn't break away from this. Have some time to yourself, realise that you can cope just fine alone, and work on yourself to get your confidence body-wise back on form.

Lifes far too short to put up with such unhappiness from someone who is supposed to make you so happy.

MegSophandEmma · 02/03/2008 10:51

Oh darling Just seen this. I had no idea apart from the other day. I will just feed Em and ring you. Is he there at the mo?

Original poster
theboob · 02/03/2008 10:56

no claire he has gone to work,
swbl,before i was with him i was a 16 year old girl living at home,think that is why im so scared

OP posts:
Original poster
theboob · 02/03/2008 10:57

oh happy mothers day claire ,from your 3 girls xxx

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 02/03/2008 11:07

That's understandable, you've never experienced independance with anyone but him - you have every right to be scared. It all comes down to whether you want to settle for someone who makes you unhappy just because they're all you're used to, or whether you want to make a clean break, and look back in years to come and say that yes it was hard - but thank god that you don't have to live like that anymore.

You're young, you have years ahead of you - don't spend them wasted on someone who doesn't appreciate your love.

Original poster
theboob · 02/03/2008 11:31

i know deep down it is for the best,i will have to get the ball rolling,i thought when we got married it would be for keeps

OP posts:
MegSophandEmma · 02/03/2008 11:33

Aww ty huni xxxx

Try and stay stong mate I will ring you later. Sorry for going on on the phone Just worried but I know you will be ok. xxxxxxxxxx

SheWillBeLoved · 02/03/2008 11:34

Everyone does hun, unfortunately sometimes marriage brings out the worst in people and they assume that just because you're married - they can get away with anything.

Now is the time to be selfish and concentrate on what's best for you and dc in the long run

Original poster
theboob · 02/03/2008 11:35

thankyou it helped,i have stoped crying now

OP posts:
MegSophandEmma · 02/03/2008 11:35

Words of wisdom SWBL

Original poster
theboob · 02/03/2008 11:39

it's such a shame,i do love him(not as much as before)everything would be fine if he just stopped drinking 2 times a week,he turns and i suffer,but i know i cant go on doing this

OP posts:
MegSophandEmma · 02/03/2008 11:48

Just bumping for u xxxx

MegSophandEmma · 02/03/2008 16:48

Hiya you

Just wondering how your feeling??

Nessamommy · 02/03/2008 16:59

Before you totally call it quits...would he go to a family therapist or anything like that? That way you know you've tried and got your feeling out on the table as well as gave him the opportunity to change. If it doesn't work out after that, then you know you tried. Or do you think it's too late for that?

Original poster
theboob · 02/03/2008 19:14

have had long talk with him,he wont go to see a therapist,he has promised to stop drinking,i will move with him and if things dont change i'm off,when he takes this new job he cant drink ,he would get in troble with the licencing police,last chance..
do you think i'm a mug?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 02/03/2008 19:16

can i be blunt? yes, you are. how is he going to control his temper and stop drinking without outisde help, when he is going to be living and working in a PUB!!

Original poster
theboob · 02/03/2008 19:20

he will lose his licence if he drinks ,and i dont think he would risk it ....
i dont know what is best

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2008 19:39

He won't go to see a therapist but he's promised to stop drinking eh?. Don't think that promise will be kept at all.

What is all this going to teach your children?. Surely you want better for them than for them to keep witnessing their Dad's bad temper all the time.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. Is this primarily why you stay, for fear of being alone?.

If you move with him into the pub you are setting yourself up for more misery. You are blithely sleepwalking into this mess so yes you are both a mug and a fool.

Lulumama · 02/03/2008 19:39

i thikn people with drinking problems have risked a lot more than this...... i honeslty thikn you are kidding yourslef if you think a pub is a good environement for a bad tempered alcoholic!

Original poster
theboob · 03/03/2008 09:01

my kids never see anything,so i am not setting a bad example to them,i will be moving into the pub with him,but i will be putting money away so if it all goes tits up i will have something behind me,
maybe he wont stop but we have had a long talk and he is frightened ,but how will i know if it is going to work if i dont try,drinking to much is an illness,is it right of me to walk away?

maybe i am a mug,i dont think im a fool,i'd rather get some money behind me just in case .

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 03/03/2008 11:20

You're spot on, it is an illness. And we all know a real illness can't be cured by just saying "i'm not going to be ill anymore"..

I hope he changes for you. I hope you aren't just sticking around because you're scared of change. You said yourself if you made this move with him you'd be setting yourself up for a life of misery, so all I can say is good luck with your choice and I hope it works out. Just don't have high hopes - a pub is not an ideal place for someone trying to stop drinking, and if he really is ill, then the matter of losing the licence won't be a problem for long.