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Original poster

Fiancé not being a good father

39 replies

pippanda · 31/08/2023 22:29

I really don't know what to do...

I've been with my fiancé for 6years, we are very in love and we had our first child together 17months ago. When we started to trying for a baby I was so sure he was the man I had waited to have children with! He already had an older daughter and I thought he was going to be such a great father. Reality has been somewhat different.

Now don't get me wrong there are moments when he is a great father however there's a lot of times where he is impatient, angry and actually shouts at our baby girl. The other day for example I was upstairs getting ready and I hear him shouting at her whilst giving her morning snack "just fucking eat it!" I come downstairs and he's like she keeps throwing it or spitting it out! I take over the situation and get him to leave so I can console my crying baby! He gets so angry and frustrated with her I just don't understand!! I had a very serious conversation with him afterwards about how it wasn't acceptable and explained to him if he realised what he was actually doing was a form of abuse... I could see that really hit him in his face when I said it. I told him as much as I love him my main priority is my daughter the love I have for her I will do what I have to to protect her. I instantly seen a change in him after the conversation however I don't know how long it will last. He keeps saying he feels tied down that we can't do anything and that sometimes he wishes it was just me and him again. We don't have any family near by as I moved to be with him so he could be close to his eldest daughter but with that we have nobody to help us with our daughter so it is very intense. I just don't know what to do moving forward? Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Will it get better? I just can't fathom how he can't appreciate how incredible our little girl is. Everyone she meets absolutely adores her and comments how she's the happiest baby they have ever met. How can her own father be the only person who doesn't see how incredible she is?? Feel at such a loss

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 31/08/2023 22:32

Just dump him. He’s a bastard.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 22:39

You move forward without him op.

It's really is that simple... I wonder what stories his ex could tell you about his parenting...

Original poster
pippanda · 31/08/2023 22:43

Well I'd ask but then that opens a whole can of worms! And I definitely don't want to give her any insight into our lives. He's admitted to me that he's suffering with his mental health but I still can't fathom how he can get angry with a 1yr old! It doesn't compute! I mean I've got frustrated when sleep deprived and she's not sleeping but never had direct anger at her. I can't make sense if it

OP posts:
Dery · 31/08/2023 22:47

It is very poor that he can get so angry with a tiny child and that he talks about wanting to go back to how things were before she was born.

And yes - you are tied down. That’s the reality with small children. It’s really tough sometimes. But the rewards are huge.

He already has a child so he knows this. How much does he see of his older daughter and how old was she when his previous relationship broke down? As a PP said - this may be a repeat of what happened with the mother of his first daughter.

It’s good you’re so clear on this. He needs some parenting classes, fast.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/08/2023 22:49

pippanda · 31/08/2023 22:43

Well I'd ask but then that opens a whole can of worms! And I definitely don't want to give her any insight into our lives. He's admitted to me that he's suffering with his mental health but I still can't fathom how he can get angry with a 1yr old! It doesn't compute! I mean I've got frustrated when sleep deprived and she's not sleeping but never had direct anger at her. I can't make sense if it

If you won't leave him, then I think you can ask him to move out op even if just temporarily for now. Discuss with the health visitor- they maybe able to signpost him to support or parenting group to help him bond and learn some better strategies

MintJulia · 31/08/2023 23:00

I'm sorry OP but if he's already yelling abuse at her, I don't think you can risk leaving him alone with her. As hard as that sounds, babies are fragile and it only take a few seconds loss of control to do dreadful damage.

It doesn't matter why he can't see how wonderful she is. The fact is he resents her, and that is unlikely to change unless you get some significant help. Some people aren't mature enough to be parents

Original poster
pippanda · 31/08/2023 23:02

@Dery it's so upsetting and hard to witness. My baby is so happy, confident and independent I'd hate to see how he is with her have a lasting affect! I'd never forgive myself for letting that happen.

I always knew it would be hard for us, especially having nobody near by to support but I was ready for it and so was he. Although now he says he wishes he had thought it through more 🙄. Not being able to go out etc doesn't bother me as she is so worth it!! But he doesn't seem to get that same feeling I do as a mother.

So that's what I thought, he knew all this however he never fully lived with her mother and always had an escape to his own place when it got to much. They were on and off for four years and finally split for good when she was four. He's had her every other weekend since then. Strange thing is I never see him lose his temper like he has with our little girl.. I've told him he's to soft sometimes! But it's because he know if he shouts or gets angry with his eldest she won't want to see him anymore. It's like he thinks he can get away with it with our little one. It's heartbreaking.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 31/08/2023 23:04

So what are you going to do?

Original poster
pippanda · 31/08/2023 23:04

@Unexpectedlysinglemum that is my next thought. To ask him to stay away for awhile. However he's going to be away with work Monday to Friday from next week so I'm hoping that will give him some food for thought. It might be an idea to talk to the HV - we see her every 3 weeks as my baby girl is tiny so they monitor her weight

OP posts:
Original poster
pippanda · 31/08/2023 23:06

@MintJulia it's really hard to read your post because I think it's what I know inside. The word resent has come into my head and I think you have hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
Original poster
pippanda · 31/08/2023 23:08

@GrazingSheep honestly right now... I don't totally know. I think speaking to some professionals will help like the health visitor. I can't just pack up and go anywhere as my family is in Scotland and I'm in Devon - I'll see how the next couple of days go and make some decisions

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 31/08/2023 23:14

I think he sounds dangerous.
He can't control himself around her.
Stop trying to work out why he doesn't find her as amazing as you do.

Before you had her, you knew that he had failed as a father already.

I think you need to end things with him for your daughter's sake.

ConnieTucker · 31/08/2023 23:26

He has already told you he wishes she didnt exist. He has already demonstrated to you he resents her and he scared her. Wnsure you have that conversation wirh your hv asap.

He already had an older daughter and I thought he was going to be such a great father.
he had contact with his older daughter two nights out of 14. He was never a great father.

SunflowerTed · 31/08/2023 23:30

i think I would make plans to move back to Scotland

OhcantthInkofaname · 31/08/2023 23:35

SunflowerTed · 31/08/2023 23:30

i think I would make plans to move back to Scotland

THIS^

Dolores87 · 01/09/2023 13:15

It sounds like he is struggling to adjust to your new life. He needs to take responsibility for that and get help and address the reasons he is getting frustrated and angry otherwise he needs to go. Plenty of people experience this after having a child but it is absolutely important he does something about it. He needs to go to his GP, get therapy, maybe take up a hobby as an outlet and also learn to catch himself before he looses his temper by putting child in a safe place and walking away to calm down.

Tbh what I think you should do depends on how much responsibility he takes right now.

I was a really resentful and angry parent when my first born was very young. I had bad PND. I had to address that and quickly and I did. I disagree with the comments that this is a hopeless situation, I think he can turn this around but he absolutely needs to take responsibility and do something about how he feels right now. If not you probably need to leave.

Dolores87 · 01/09/2023 13:21

Also he probably does think she is incredible and also at the same time is fed up and wishes he'd not had another child. I both adored my son and loved him more then I could ever imagine loving someone and also regularly wished I had never had children and felt like I hated my new life. It was complicated and a bad time, but these feelings can absolutely be turned around and addressed but he needs to proactively do that.

Dolores87 · 01/09/2023 13:29

Also hire a babysitter and go out. If he is directly expressing he feels trapped and wishes he could go out then go out occasionally. Go out as a couple once a month and maybe he can take up a class or something and go out to that.

NatMoz · 01/09/2023 13:33

Dolores87 · 01/09/2023 13:29

Also hire a babysitter and go out. If he is directly expressing he feels trapped and wishes he could go out then go out occasionally. Go out as a couple once a month and maybe he can take up a class or something and go out to that.

I was about to say this but you beat me to it!

DemelzaandRoss · 01/09/2023 13:35

Please please finish this relationship as soon as you are able. Your fiancé has shown his real character & sadly he is not a nice person.
You & your DD deserve so much better.
I hope you have a good support network.
Good Luck.

CassiniG · 01/09/2023 13:36

A man that needs to be told his behaviour towards his own baby/child is abusive is not to be trusted and my advice is to split with someone who loses their temper over something completely innocuous.

DatumTarum · 01/09/2023 13:53

pippanda · 31/08/2023 23:08

@GrazingSheep honestly right now... I don't totally know. I think speaking to some professionals will help like the health visitor. I can't just pack up and go anywhere as my family is in Scotland and I'm in Devon - I'll see how the next couple of days go and make some decisions

Get on a plane or train and go home.

Don't subject your daughter to this shit. It's your responsibility to protect her from her abuser.

Araminta34 · 01/09/2023 13:56

SunflowerTed · 31/08/2023 23:30

i think I would make plans to move back to Scotland

Yes, this.

TheShellBeach · 01/09/2023 14:40

How are you today, OP?

I hope you're making plans to split up with the baby's father. I realise it's difficult but you must put the child first.

CurlewKate · 01/09/2023 14:56

Don't get baby sitters, or work at appeasing him. The work is for him to do, not you, and in the meantime she isn't safe with him. He isn't a good father to either of his daughters. Can you go back to your parents?

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