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Original poster

Fiancé not being a good father

39 replies

pippanda · 31/08/2023 22:29

I really don't know what to do...

I've been with my fiancé for 6years, we are very in love and we had our first child together 17months ago. When we started to trying for a baby I was so sure he was the man I had waited to have children with! He already had an older daughter and I thought he was going to be such a great father. Reality has been somewhat different.

Now don't get me wrong there are moments when he is a great father however there's a lot of times where he is impatient, angry and actually shouts at our baby girl. The other day for example I was upstairs getting ready and I hear him shouting at her whilst giving her morning snack "just fucking eat it!" I come downstairs and he's like she keeps throwing it or spitting it out! I take over the situation and get him to leave so I can console my crying baby! He gets so angry and frustrated with her I just don't understand!! I had a very serious conversation with him afterwards about how it wasn't acceptable and explained to him if he realised what he was actually doing was a form of abuse... I could see that really hit him in his face when I said it. I told him as much as I love him my main priority is my daughter the love I have for her I will do what I have to to protect her. I instantly seen a change in him after the conversation however I don't know how long it will last. He keeps saying he feels tied down that we can't do anything and that sometimes he wishes it was just me and him again. We don't have any family near by as I moved to be with him so he could be close to his eldest daughter but with that we have nobody to help us with our daughter so it is very intense. I just don't know what to do moving forward? Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Will it get better? I just can't fathom how he can't appreciate how incredible our little girl is. Everyone she meets absolutely adores her and comments how she's the happiest baby they have ever met. How can her own father be the only person who doesn't see how incredible she is?? Feel at such a loss

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 01/09/2023 15:20

@pippanda
Nothing justifies his screaming at a baby, but if he is good with the older child that is a hopeful sign. He may just not have any experience in handling younger less independent children.

Not excusing his behavior in anyway, but if you are going to stay with him, and only you can make that decision, you might consider asking him to enroll in a parenting class.

CassiniG · 01/09/2023 15:24

Mari9999 · 01/09/2023 15:20

@pippanda
Nothing justifies his screaming at a baby, but if he is good with the older child that is a hopeful sign. He may just not have any experience in handling younger less independent children.

Not excusing his behavior in anyway, but if you are going to stay with him, and only you can make that decision, you might consider asking him to enroll in a parenting class.

Many first time mothers may not have had the experience of caring for a young infant but they don't lose their temper and shout at their offspring!

billy1966 · 01/09/2023 15:24

OP I agree with @MintJulia do NOT leave that baby with him ever.

Do not risk it.

He was NEVER a good father, he is one step up from being an absent one with his older child.

It takes one second of a loss of control for things to turn seriously wrong.

I think looking to return to your family would be a good idea.

I am so sorry.

JerkintheMerkin · 01/09/2023 15:27

Men who have their own place to "escape" to have a tendency not to make great fathers. That dip in, dip out mentality when things get tough shows and is quite unattractive. Living with you full time and his harkening to the past of just you and him doesn't bode well for the future. Your daughter comes first. He is secondary.

Dolores87 · 01/09/2023 15:38

I don't agree with the comments encouraging you to go home to Scotland. Moving your kid that far away from their father (you live in Devon that is a long way) and therefore denying your kid any chance of a meaningful relationship with her father because he is struggling with his mental health and adjusting to his new life isn't fair on your child. He has behaved badly yes and abusively yes but labeling him "her abuser" based on the information here is really ott, he has acknowledged he is struggling, he has highlighted how he feels and he has expressed remorse and self disgust when you told him his behaviour was abusive. I attended PND groups full of women who felt like and have behaved like this man all who took action, got treatment and recovered and now have good relationships with their children. Even if you decide to end the relationship he deserves the opportunity to address his struggles and have a relationship with his child.

He can absolutely turn this around if he wants to and is proactive about it and even if you decide that this isn't the right relationship for you or he needs to move out, which are fair enough responses, moving to Scotland and therefore stopping your child having a meaningful relationship with their father over this isn't fair to your child and will likely cause far more long term harm to your child then him addressing these struggles he is currently having.

Dolores87 · 01/09/2023 15:41

CassiniG · 01/09/2023 15:24

Many first time mothers may not have had the experience of caring for a young infant but they don't lose their temper and shout at their offspring!

Show quote history

Plenty do. I used to go to a PND support group full of new mothers seriously struggling and many who admitted having lost their temper and shouting at the child. People just don't talk about it openly because of responses like this thread where messing up in this way as a parent means you are labeled a bad parent who deserves to have the children moved across the country away from you, instead of someone who is struggling, who with support can turn the situation around and be a good parent.

Feverly · 01/09/2023 15:49

Get that monster away from your infant. This is horrifying. He's abusing her and doesn't want her around anymore, the red flags should be so obvious to you. Whose house is it?

NnarcissaMalfoy · 01/09/2023 15:49

Dolores87 · 01/09/2023 15:38

I don't agree with the comments encouraging you to go home to Scotland. Moving your kid that far away from their father (you live in Devon that is a long way) and therefore denying your kid any chance of a meaningful relationship with her father because he is struggling with his mental health and adjusting to his new life isn't fair on your child. He has behaved badly yes and abusively yes but labeling him "her abuser" based on the information here is really ott, he has acknowledged he is struggling, he has highlighted how he feels and he has expressed remorse and self disgust when you told him his behaviour was abusive. I attended PND groups full of women who felt like and have behaved like this man all who took action, got treatment and recovered and now have good relationships with their children. Even if you decide to end the relationship he deserves the opportunity to address his struggles and have a relationship with his child.

He can absolutely turn this around if he wants to and is proactive about it and even if you decide that this isn't the right relationship for you or he needs to move out, which are fair enough responses, moving to Scotland and therefore stopping your child having a meaningful relationship with their father over this isn't fair to your child and will likely cause far more long term harm to your child then him addressing these struggles he is currently having.

I agree with this post, I think PP are too extreme to jump to leaving him immediately. You've given him a serious warning so it may be time to leave if he does it again, but see what he does now and if he steps up to address it. Resentment is an ugly difficult feeling for new parents but it's common- that's why we get all the advice about leaving the baby in the cot and walking away if we're about to lose it etc.

Feverly · 01/09/2023 15:50

There is no excuse for child abuse. The baby is dependent on OP to stop the abuse.

DatumTarum · 01/09/2023 15:53

Feverly · 01/09/2023 15:50

There is no excuse for child abuse. The baby is dependent on OP to stop the abuse.

She won't though.

They never do. Just hope this child doesn't end up a statistic.

I will die on this hill.

Mari9999 · 01/09/2023 17:49

@CassiniG
Not excusing him, but it does not sound as though the OP is planning to leave him. In that case, better to try and find strategies to change his behavior. She says that he is responsive and patient with the 4 year old.

She has only 2 choices to leave or to help him find a way to learn more appropriate ways to respond to the younger child. I am not justifying or approving of his behavior , only pointing out the OP's options.

Shoxfordian · 01/09/2023 17:52

How is it that you don’t know what to do and you didn’t know what to do the first time he shouted at your baby? She needs to be your priority and you need to protect her from him

Feverly · 01/09/2023 17:56

There are no strategies to stop a man abusing a baby. And he only sees his other kid once or twice a month.

Maplestars · 01/09/2023 20:47

I think it’s difficult
it’s ok to get frustrated, it’s ok to struggle with the change, and it’s ok to want couple time
but he already had a child, he should’ve known what was involved, and as soon as he found himself swearing at a baby he should have looked into getting help and taken it seriously. He’s not doing anything positive to change either himself or the situation and so he’s not being a good father in any way. I just don’t think it’s good enough, you can stay - if you think he’s not dangerous - and try to help him. But if he doesn’t take responsibility for it that’s going to have limited success. I don’t think you should leave them alone at any point. But then if you’re doing all the parenting and trying to help him being a half decent parent, whilst he does nothing, you may as well be doing it alone and save yourself at least one job.

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