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Original poster

Would you believe him?

62 replies

Sunnyday1203 · 31/08/2023 15:42

I have just found out that my partner invited woman to his hotel room after heavy drinking at family event that I was not at. This was end of last year. I found this out as I just sensed something was not right so decided to look at his phone and found he was texting her this month. exchanging flirty messages and intimate photos. It made me feel sick.
I confronted him and he said he did not do anything and she was in his room for only 15 mins and threw up and was picked up by a friend. My point is the intention was there though.
We have been having some issues recently and he claimed he felt neglected and again was drunk. Clearly this boosted his ego.
I just don't know what to believe, reading the messages certainly does not indicate they had sex but it gives me the ick.

OP posts:
LemonyTicket · 31/08/2023 18:08

In the short term, I understand its important to know exactly what happened. Betrayal comes with a need for the truth. So I would say, look at the evidence and decide what you believe

In the long term as everyone says it won't matter because you'll know he intended to and opened the door to it and having been through this it'll eat you alive from the inside.

I won't tell you what to do, but knowing he did that won't ever go away. So it's up to you to decide if you can live with a partner who flirts, texts and is open to sex with other women.

I think cheating can sometimes happen due to circumstances. Lots of alcohol. Business trips. Getting to friendly with someone and a line gets crossed.

But this is different. He'd carried on texting her. He was getting a thrill and that just means he'll always do that. When you're older or sick or something, he'll be off with some floozy.

If you can live with that pain, he might stay with you or he might upgrade you. Sorry to be blunt but it isn't about you. Men like this might love you, but they can't BE loving.

They want to feed their ego, get admired. It's shallow and very weak. Some people marry and live with men like that and are relatively happy.

It's not impossible he can change, but to do so, you'd need to do huge work and he'd need at least 12 sessions of counselling to understand his character weaknesses and possibly fix them.

Don't be suprised if he's not interested in doing that though. He's got a character flaw darling. Some people do.

Thewookiemustgo · 31/08/2023 18:09

I’m so sorry OP but everything he’s done since that ending is cheating. He’s gaslighting you. Rare is the man who invites a woman back to his hotel room who just wanted a chat. It was inappropriate to say the least to even ask her up to his room, let alone what clearly followed. He’s cheated and cheats lie when caught out. Please don’t listen to him.

Thewookiemustgo · 31/08/2023 18:09

Evening not ending. 🙄

MsDogLady · 31/08/2023 18:17

No, of course I wouldn’t believe him.

@Sunnyday1203, your Partner is a cheat. He invited this OW to his room, has been flirting with her, and has exchanged explicit photos. That is infidelity.

Don’t you deserve better than this faithless Player?

Epidote · 31/08/2023 18:19

Poor man he feels neglected, please don't believe a word.
He has done and said to you enough to show you that you can't trust him.

KentLife01 · 31/08/2023 23:02

The intent was there. She wouldn't have been in the room if it wasn't. He said they didn't have sex because she was drunk and throwing up. If she hadn't have been drunk and throwing up, it likely would have led to sex. Neither of them can blame the alcohol as they've been sexting since. He's minimising because he's been found out it would seem.

Happyhen64 · 03/09/2023 14:01

So sorry you are going through this. To happen at the end of last year and there are recently messages must be very upsetting for you. I have to agree with most others here and say you can’t trust him and there were obviously intentions there in the first instance.

Tigerlily68 · 05/09/2023 15:39

No, I'll never believe bullshit like this.

Sounds like a NO respect di..head to me.

Better love yourself instead of trying to be happy with someone who crosses all bounderies, lies, cheats and breaks your self esteem down.

You deserve better! This has nothing to do with LOVE.

Questionsquestions23 · 06/09/2023 13:45

I’m in the exactly the same position with a different time frame. It’s a horrible horrible feeling. I’m just so sad. And it hasn’t gone away since I found out a year ago x

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 08/09/2023 13:37

So that's a big no then. ~Sorry to hear others have gone through this. We are trying to move on and when he asks me if I am ok I reply "not really". I just dont have the heart to talk about it as will be fed more lies. I am so sad, angry and so disappointed in him. I still don't think I have the whole truth, I think I am being told the minimum. I also am really struggling with the idea that all his family know I we have been together for 7 years and witnessed his drooling at the family event. Disgusting.

OP posts:
Specso · 08/09/2023 15:05

Remember you don’t have to just move on from it because he wants you to and you think it’s what you should do. Just because you’ve said you’ll try doesn’t mean you’re stuck with that choice.

If you decide you can’t trust him anymore then you don’t have to just resign yourself to that and carry on for years feeling disappointed and miserable. You can change your mind whenever you want. Once trust is gone it’s like a fungal rot on a relationship and you can end up leaving years later anyway but feeling so much more angry and resentful that you’ve wasted years of your life.

Do what’s right for you and your life. That’s what he’ll ultimately do for himself and no amount of loving him will change him.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 13/09/2023 15:27

Feeling a bit down today. We did have a good heart to heart last week and he answered any questions I had and offered full access to his phone but cant help feeling a bit paranoid. He claims not to have any contact with the woman he took to the hotel and texting but said it is not possible to delete her Whatsapp contact. I am terrible with technology is possible to delete a contact?

OP posts:
LemonyTicket · 13/09/2023 15:31

Of course you can delete it. Delete and block.

Tigerlily68 · 13/09/2023 15:45

Omg what an excuse...
Delete and block is so simple and takes only 2 seconds if not less 😇

YewTree84 · 13/09/2023 15:48

I have been in this situation, only he did go further.

I forgave (didn't ever get over it though) but our relationship ended 4 years later. It was doomed from that fateful day and in hindsight I should have ended it then.

Janieforever · 13/09/2023 15:49

I never get posts like this, how is it even a question, he didn’t shag her because she puked, otherwise he would have. Why do you think he invited her to his room. And of course she didn’t puke and leave.

you know the answer and the truth. His family and everyone else knows the truth. You chose to stay with him, then fair enough, but don’t do it pretending you aren’t with someone everyone knows cheats on you, inc you.

Janieforever · 13/09/2023 15:50

Sunnyday1203 · 13/09/2023 15:27

Feeling a bit down today. We did have a good heart to heart last week and he answered any questions I had and offered full access to his phone but cant help feeling a bit paranoid. He claims not to have any contact with the woman he took to the hotel and texting but said it is not possible to delete her Whatsapp contact. I am terrible with technology is possible to delete a contact?

You don’t know how to use a phone or delete contacts? Yes it’s possible on all phones.

LifeExperience · 13/09/2023 15:50

No.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 13/09/2023 16:13

I did not think this was right about not deleting. 😓

OP posts:
Tigerlily68 · 13/09/2023 16:18

Sorry to say but he knew exactly how to hijack your mumsnet account before but doesn't know how to delete /block someone on whatsapp 😵‍💫... RIGHT!

Happyhen64 · 13/09/2023 17:42

Sorry you are feeling down but unfortunately this will probably keep on happening as trust has been broken. I’m not very technical but a simple google search will tell you how to delete a
WhatsApp contact!! Can’t help but wonder if before he offered you his phone did he delete anything !!

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 14/09/2023 12:02

Sorry not sure what you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 14/09/2023 12:03

Re the hack?

OP posts:
Bearpawk · 14/09/2023 12:05

Of course I wouldn't believe him. Nobody would

hev126 · 14/09/2023 12:09

I wouldn't care if he'd had sex, or intended to have sex but couldn't as she was sick.

That would enough for me to end it.

Even if none of that had happened and I found out about the sexting and dick pics it would be enough for me to end it