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Original poster

It’s a Christmas one! -including managing expectations and division of labour

62 replies

EL8888 · 31/08/2023 10:14

I’m doing Christmas this year -we have young children and aren’t that transportable right now. I am fine in principle and do a good roast if l say so myself. BUT the last time l did Christmas the guests drove me mad. Lots of expecting to be waited on, turning up empty handed, monopolising the TV etc. I planned, purchased and cooked the Christmas lunch but then no one wanted to clear up or wash up. Needless to say l didn’t! So l am keen to manage people’s expectations from the off I.e. l won’t be be laying on entertainment and 3 meals a day for the duration. Including driving people here, there and everywhere -that was requested a fair amount last time

I don’t feel like l should have to say anything -everyone knows l have 2 under 2 but instinct says l need to or it will be a re-run of last time 🙄. I’m thinking something breezy on the family WhatsApp group. Some thing that makes clear people will need to contribute and actively make some meals -l know this needs finessing so lm trying to get advice. I am keen for the vine not to be “asking” as it’s not a debate, it’s just what’s happening

OP posts:
gotmychristmasmiracle · 31/08/2023 10:24

Lol I would probably put on the whats app this, and end it with if anyone else would like to do Christmas Day, that would be amazing!

TheSandgroper · 31/08/2023 10:27

My brothers are told each year how much cash to provide to help defray costs.

You will have to channel your inner school principal and just get things organised and make sure it’s done. If you do a year of taking no shit, it will be easier next time. But you might have to prepare for pain this year.

Original poster
EL8888 · 31/08/2023 10:39

@TheSandgroper exactly, this is the year to set my stall out. People shy away from this but needs must. Last time l did Christmas then l expected people to be reasonable but my mistake. Is it saying something like: “l am more than happy to do Christmas Day, with other people taking it in turns -l have not got much annual leave at Christmas so lm keen to spend time with child A and B”. Let me know what cereal and bread you like for breakfast (making clear l won’t be doing this meal). DH and l will be popping into visit a few people over the Christmas period, why don’t you bring your car so you’re more mobile? (They will take zero heed of this but lm giving a pretty big hint l won’t be chauffeur!).

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 31/08/2023 10:41

Duh meant to write taking it in turn making evening meals. People can make themselves soup, sandwiches etc for lunch. I think Auntie Lizzie is inviting us for Boxing Day

OP posts:
Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 31/08/2023 10:45

Write out task cards and hand them out. Non negotiable.
Set table
Serve drinks
Clear up
Wash up
Make cups of tea /coffee
Serve dessert
I host adult dc and they all put in a £contribution..

Hercisback · 31/08/2023 10:49

Your side or DHs side? Make sure the message is from the correct person.

Be clear you aren't going to chauffer at all.

I like the idea of people signing up for specific jobs. I think your wording around not having loads of leave and wanting to spend time with kids really good.

Codlingmoths · 31/08/2023 10:50

here’s your message- no maybe might be a good idea to bring your car just a thought wishy washy language!!
Hi all, happy to host as long as you’re happy for an everyone pitch in christmas, I barely get time ti go to the toilet these days. Here’s the list and if anyone who wants to come to ours can please put their name next to a couple of items then we will be set thanks! With two under two and some people to see we also won’t be able to drive people around so bring your car or plan for taxis. Looking forward to a lovely Christmas!

evening meals- please put your name next to a date to take charge of that meal, happy to be consulted about what you can find in the shops here.
date 1
date 2
date 3

lunch - this will be help yourself so I’ve listed items for people to bring /prep that work well for that, please put your names next to what you are bringing/providing
-nice bread
-nice cheese
-cold meats 1
-cold meats 2
-sandwich filling salad variety
-lunch salad
-juice

and of course alcohol

and if someone hasn’t put their name down, say oh Jane did you have other plans then? Because they aren’t coming to yours.

Acheyknees · 31/08/2023 10:52

Make it clear each person/couple will be responsible for one meal.
Make a list of every meal each day and who is cooking, providing ingredients and clearing up. We do that when family get together, if you only do one meal and wash up afterwards it's not too bad.

Original poster
EL8888 · 31/08/2023 10:59

Hercisback · 31/08/2023 10:49

Your side or DHs side? Make sure the message is from the correct person.

Be clear you aren't going to chauffer at all.

I like the idea of people signing up for specific jobs. I think your wording around not having loads of leave and wanting to spend time with kids really good.

Mine. His family are way more reasonable and thoughtful! But of course busier so realise what it’s like to be busy

It is true to be fair -lm going back to work before Christmas and it’s pretty much full time

OP posts:
Soverymuchfruit · 31/08/2023 11:03

Rather than asking for sign ups, you could go directly to "how about this schedule of who cooks and who washes up each night?"

Shoxfordian · 31/08/2023 11:06

Here’s another message: you’re not invited because of how you behaved last time

Original poster
EL8888 · 31/08/2023 11:10

Shoxfordian · 31/08/2023 11:06

Here’s another message: you’re not invited because of how you behaved last time

Too tempting 🤣. I’m not going to say this is people’s last chance but lazy free loaders won’t be invited back again

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 31/08/2023 11:12

Codlingmoths · 31/08/2023 10:50

here’s your message- no maybe might be a good idea to bring your car just a thought wishy washy language!!
Hi all, happy to host as long as you’re happy for an everyone pitch in christmas, I barely get time ti go to the toilet these days. Here’s the list and if anyone who wants to come to ours can please put their name next to a couple of items then we will be set thanks! With two under two and some people to see we also won’t be able to drive people around so bring your car or plan for taxis. Looking forward to a lovely Christmas!

evening meals- please put your name next to a date to take charge of that meal, happy to be consulted about what you can find in the shops here.
date 1
date 2
date 3

lunch - this will be help yourself so I’ve listed items for people to bring /prep that work well for that, please put your names next to what you are bringing/providing
-nice bread
-nice cheese
-cold meats 1
-cold meats 2
-sandwich filling salad variety
-lunch salad
-juice

and of course alcohol

and if someone hasn’t put their name down, say oh Jane did you have other plans then? Because they aren’t coming to yours.

Thanks. I have copy and pasted this, just tweaking it before dropping it into the WhatsApp group

Im liking the tone as it’s polite but firm. Plus no wishy washy vibes

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 31/08/2023 11:13

Soverymuchfruit · 31/08/2023 11:03

Rather than asking for sign ups, you could go directly to "how about this schedule of who cooks and who washes up each night?"

Good point. It’s not as if anyone is incapacitated, just lazy and self absorbed

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 31/08/2023 11:15

Shoxfordian · 31/08/2023 11:06

Here’s another message: you’re not invited because of how you behaved last time

I have to say that this one made me snigger.

Whataretheodds · 31/08/2023 11:15

Also - don't assign responsibility for making tea coffee. Just make sure they know where stuff is and to make their own.

I would also tell people if there's anything you don't want to go in the dishwasher and make it clear that everything else can go straight in.

You could also send round details of a couple of local taxi companies.

CrapBucket · 31/08/2023 11:16

Do you even want these people to come for Christmas?! Life is short. Why not just spend it with people you like. Or do shorter things with people you don’t like that much.

Whataretheodds · 31/08/2023 11:17

Ooh - and also - make sure that if you are doing free for all lunches that anything you don't want people to use is labelled or hidden. Otherwise your smoked salmon starter could end up in sandwiched on 24th.

stargirl1701 · 31/08/2023 11:21

I assign each guest a 'course' so we only do the turkey and trimmings. I ask them to bring a bottle - red/white/rose and we provide the champagne.

DH does drinks and small talk whilst I'm in the kitchen. I do the same whilst he is.

We load and run the dishwasher as we go - it's probably on 3x on Christmas Day.

We don't have a TV in the living room so other than the children no one is watching it. PILs watch the King at 3pm.

It's a busy day.

Everyone goes home after the Boxing Day morning walk and we spend the rest of the day in PJs eating leftovers!

headcheffer · 31/08/2023 11:41

Do you want to host when you have 2 under 2?! I wouldn't.

However I think we do ok with division of work over Christmas. I appeal to people's vanity with flattery Grin So happy to host Christmas Day, but MIL can you bring your trifle please as it's so yummy. BIL can you pick up some of that nice wine you found that time, it would be lovely with the beef! DSis, can you lay the table please you do it so nicely and all the stuff is there in that basket. FIL it's croissants for breakfast today, they're on the side could you heat them up please and lay the table, butter and jam in the fridge in just off for a shower...

When kids are very small I also buy stuff pre-made if I need to - sides etc for the dinner.

Usually I handle organising the food and cooking it, and roping in whoever I need to help for that. DH is responsible for cleaning up, keeping the dishwasher going and doing drinks. He ropes in whoever needs for that.

I think if you ask for too much in advance it can feel a bit unwelcoming, but usually people do pitch in to help in the moment if you ask. Definitely suggest they bring their car though!

Original poster
EL8888 · 31/08/2023 12:17

@headcheffer not really. But the alternatives are we have to drive their tut around and be at the whim of other people’s timings -lm still perplexed about why my ex MIL wanted to started cooking a turkey for 20 people at midday and wanted the children to open presents after dinner. What could go wrong?!

Or we do Christmas at home just the 4 of us which l would love. But would cause lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth, our 2 are the only grandchildren on either side and always will be

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 31/08/2023 12:25

wow I wouldn’t do it again if people treated me like that last time. Id just do dh and kids.
but if you want to, I think you have to offer, and say but if I do it it will involve - only cooking dinner
i can’t offer - driving around/waiting on you hand and foot etc
and I’ll need - help with the kids/cleaning
if that doesn’t work for everyone no worries at all, someone else can host or we’ll just do our own one at home

also, it sounds like actually you’d rather it be just the 4 of you. So do that. It saves all that stress. If they want to see the kids then they can be less lazy house guests, or they can do a Christmas that is welcoming to kids. Sounds like they don’t want either, so they can’t be that arsed, that’s how I’d view it.

Original poster
EL8888 · 31/08/2023 12:32

CrapBucket · 31/08/2023 11:16

Do you even want these people to come for Christmas?! Life is short. Why not just spend it with people you like. Or do shorter things with people you don’t like that much.

As is often the dynamic in families, it’s not all of them who are like this but the rest do not appear to want to challenge the ones who are. That’s why lm being so careful in my phrasing

OP posts:
Original poster
EL8888 · 31/08/2023 12:33

Whataretheodds · 31/08/2023 11:17

Ooh - and also - make sure that if you are doing free for all lunches that anything you don't want people to use is labelled or hidden. Otherwise your smoked salmon starter could end up in sandwiched on 24th.

Good point! I’m now wondering if l can buy some leave for Christmas Day stickers?!

OP posts:
Crucible · 31/08/2023 12:41

I would add, at the very end of the message, that for Christmas 2024 you will be having Christmas with you your partner and children at home with no guests/going away to a Carribbean island, delete as applicable....so fair warning 15 months in advance that you're having a break next year. That will force the lazy arses to appreciate what they had taken for granted. No skivvy.