Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he unreasonable?

33 replies

Namechange4083 · 31/08/2023 08:47

Me & my husband have been together 17 years (married 8), I'm just looking for opinions.

I turned 40 earlier in the year, have lost weight and I'm feeling good about myself. I said to my husband when I'm 50 (planning way in the future, I know! But thats what I'm like 😁) I'd quite like a small tattoo on my wrist (a symbol/sign of a singer I've been a fan of since I was 12). He said "if you get a tattoo, I'll divorce you". I didn't really think he was being serious but in subsequent conversations he has said he 100% will divorce me.

It's surprised me as on the whole he's a great husband (and an amazing father to our child) and definitely not normally controlling in any way.

Background is neither of us have tattoo's and have never really liked them. The one I'd get would be one colour (black) about the size of a 10p I'd guess.

His reaction has made me want to get it done ASAP rather than in 10 years!

I should get it done shouldn't I?
(I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be told what to do with my own body either). Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 31/08/2023 09:26

I wouldn't get it done right now personally - it just sounds like you're doing it to spite him and decisions made in haste/anger/irritation are usually regretted.

Why rock the boat/antagonise just for the sake of proving some sort of point?

Or are you looking for an excuse to get divorced..

BritAirwaysgirl · 31/08/2023 09:29

Your body and your decision.

Nothing to do with anyone else nor their opinion.

Ianzii · 31/08/2023 09:32

This is a really tough one and I know a lot of marriage wreckers will jump on the wagon and say it's unreasonable, get it done and if he is gone he is gone ! I guess I will try and look at it from his prospective, he is clearly dead against tattoos and I think he made that clear to you and possibly it's one of the main things he likes about your body. It might be a little thing and you feel he is exaggerating but imagine if you like your partner with a beard and suddenly he decided to shave it ? Yes it's his body but you have an input to it as well.

billy1966 · 31/08/2023 09:36

I abhor tattoos.

Really think they are awful and wince when I see them.

I wouldn't be happy with his attitude.

I could understand him saying I find them deeply unattractive, which I do too, but a threat to divorce is far far more unattractive to me.

Have a think, don't rush into anything, but definitely have a think to see if this is truly a one off.

Are you together long?

BigPussyEnergy · 31/08/2023 09:43

I can’t imagine he would actually follow through with it, but like you I’d be tempted to do it just because I was told not to!

I agree in a relationship there should be some acknowledgment of what the other person finds attractive - eg my XH wanted to shave all his body hair off. I would have found that deeply unattractive as I love a hairy man. His view was that we didn’t have sex often enough for my opinion to matter!

Could you maybe talk about having the tattoo somewhere less ‘out there’ maybe on your ankle instead of your wrist? So that it’s not 100% in his face all the time? I guess if you look at it as him getting a face tattoo that might help you see it from his side, or eg a tattoo of a naked woman. You just may not want to see it everytime you look at him.

FWIW my XP hated tattoos as well and I’m sad that I never got one. Now I’m nearly 50 and single and looking forward to getting one or two as soon as I can afford it!

yellowsmileyface · 31/08/2023 09:47

He's allowed to not like it, but ultimately it's your body. Don't get it now just to spite him, though.

I may be biased because I have tattoos, but I really can't wrap my head around someone detesting them so much they'd throw away a good marriage because their partner's decided to get a very small one.

I feel like he's either bluffing, or there are bigger issues in the marriage. He may just be in shock at the revelation (if it's the first you've ever mentioned of it and previously been opposed to tattoos), and in time he'll come around. Not saying he'll like it but he may accept it.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2023 09:49

Your body, you can absolutely do to it whatever you'd like.

Just be prepared for the consequences.

Your husband hates tattoos. He always has, and you've always known this. He has every right to feel that way.

What if the shoe were on the other foot? If he did something to his body that you hated, even though he knew how strongly you felt about it, how would you feel?

Channellingsophistication · 31/08/2023 09:53

His reaction is of course extreme but you said neither of you liked them….

what about a compromise, and having the tattoo somewhere where it won’t be seen all the time ?

Bebosally · 31/08/2023 11:14

He doesn't want to be married to someone who has a tattoo. Bit unusual maybe, but he's entitled to his preferences. I think you must choose between the tattoo and your husband, frankly.

pinkyredrose · 31/08/2023 11:39

Yes it's his body but you have an input to it as well

WTAF!

Original poster
Namechange4083 · 31/08/2023 11:43

Bebosally · 31/08/2023 11:14

He doesn't want to be married to someone who has a tattoo. Bit unusual maybe, but he's entitled to his preferences. I think you must choose between the tattoo and your husband, frankly.

See I'd understand this is I wanted a sleeve or a face tattoo but I literally want something tiny (less than a 10p) on the inside of my wrist.

I'll get it for my 50th I think, it would be a bit petty to get it now.

OP posts:
ToughFuss · 31/08/2023 11:45

How weird. That’s a serious (imo) overreaction to a tiny tattoo when you’ve been together happily for such a long time, particularly when he’s never been controlling in the past. I guess he feels pretty strongly about disliking them! I don’t think I could go ahead with getting a tattoo knowing how strongly he felt about them, especially when it’s just a vague ‘oh in ten years, I might..’ over a tiny tattoo of a link to a singer.. which doesn’t sit easily with me as I’m usually very ‘your body, your choice’

Alwaysdecorating · 31/08/2023 11:45

I am of the ‘your body your choice’ mind.

But many posters on MN feel the same as your husband and post similar thoughts on threads about tattoos.

I don’t think is thinking is that unusual.

rainbowstardrops · 31/08/2023 11:54

He'd be willing to throw away a 17 year relationship for a tattoo??? I'd imagine there's way deeper problems going on here!

porridgeisbae · 31/08/2023 11:59

As you want it, why wait? You could give it to yourself as a slightly late present for your 40th.

Bookworm20 · 31/08/2023 12:11

I can see it from both sides. Saying he'll divorce is very extreme though and highly likely he'd not do that over a tattoo. On the other hand, he really does hate them and would not like to see one on you.
Your body obviously, but also he is your husband and entitled to his opinion.
Plus its ten years away, he may mellow by then.

i suppose I look at it this way. if my partner decided he wanted to get his penis pierced (which I would find pretty grim) I'd be telling him my opinion on it. His choice to go ahead and do what he wants, but I'd probably be clear i'd be spending less time on it if it had a piece of metal stuck through it.

So he is being unreasonable to say he'd divorce, but hes not unreasonable not wanting his wife to have something put on her body which he would find a turn off.

Could it become a compromise in a few years? Say, have it somewhere that he won't be seeing everytime he looks at you? Say on your shoulder, so it only shown in certain tops, not all the time?

porridgeisbae · 31/08/2023 12:56

@Bookworm20 A penis piercing is a bit more extreme and would have more of an effect on things fo a partner than a tattoo the size of a 10p.

Ohyesreally · 31/08/2023 12:58

I'd put a temporary transfer tattoo on there and see what he thinks of that!!!

I intensely dislike tattoo's but I'd never threaten divorce over it! W the actual f

Peakypolly · 31/08/2023 13:14

The way I see it is that we all have certain foibles. My DH says if I get another cat he will divorce me. I'm not going to get one because he feels strongly about it, but realistically he wouldn't divorce me if I did. I have friends who say they would divorce their partner if they voted a certain way, or if read a certain newspaper etc. Marriage is about rubbing along together and trying to make each other happy as possible. Choose your hill to die on wisely.

Tothemoonandbackx · 31/08/2023 20:54

I have a full back piece, never asked anyone's opinion on it because I wanted it for me. It has special meanings and I love it when people ask me about it, because I get to tell them why it means so much to me. It literally is your body your choice. If he threatens you with divorce over that, then that'll be his go to anytime you want to do something you want that he doesn't like, petty move on his part.

Daffodil63 · 31/08/2023 22:46

Why don't you try a temporary tattoo and test how you feel and how he feels once he's seen it

pastypants · 01/09/2023 06:51

My husband hates them too, I got five in the last two years. My choice nothing to do with him.

Newnamehiwhodis · 01/09/2023 07:24

Get a long lasting temporary tattoo from ink box, just to see how it feels to you …

as for him: he is being outrageously unreasonable. That threat itself is marriage and trust-breaking, to my mind. All these years together and he threatens? Holds divorce over your head when he is scared he won’t get his way? Utterly disgusting. Makes him look so weak, childish, and petty.

I’d be put completely off him. Ultimatums aren’t ok. Controlling other people isn’t a loving thing to do.

TheAverageJoanne · 01/09/2023 08:20

Peakypolly · 31/08/2023 13:14

The way I see it is that we all have certain foibles. My DH says if I get another cat he will divorce me. I'm not going to get one because he feels strongly about it, but realistically he wouldn't divorce me if I did. I have friends who say they would divorce their partner if they voted a certain way, or if read a certain newspaper etc. Marriage is about rubbing along together and trying to make each other happy as possible. Choose your hill to die on wisely.

I'd get two cats.

BlueSlate · 01/09/2023 10:19

Marriage is about rubbing along together and trying to make each other happy as possible. Choose your hill to die on wisely.

Of course it is.

I can't imagine if the OP was talking about a one off shag with a hot guy she'd met that anyone would be saying, "It's your body. He has no say in what you do with it?" So relationships are all about considering the other person too. None of us go about doing exactly what we fancy doing because we also consider how our partners would feel about it.

It's been referred to as an 'ultimatum'. Maybe it's just a boundary that he is resetting clearly - I don't want to be married to someome with a a tattoo. Thats been a long established boundary within their relationship that they have both held. It's the OP moving the goalposts here (because they've both held the same position until recently), not him.

As with all boundaries, the OP can choose what she does with that information.