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Original poster

Why do some married men lie??

39 replies

AnxiousSandwich · 30/08/2023 21:26

How do you get over someone who you never really knew in the first place but was/is still so important?

I had a relationship with a married man, only I didn’t know he was married. Even though I now know I can’t just get over how I feel.

We still message all the time but he says he’s not allowed to see me now but I feel like I’ve had no closure.

It all happened so suddenly and what’s worse is that I’ve just had his baby. I just don’t know how to cut him off or maybe I don’t want to. I don’t know. It just seems impossible.

Why did he have to lie to me in the first place?

OP posts:
TheYadaYada · 30/08/2023 21:28

Why do some people lie?

Because they were fucked up in their turn?

5128gap · 30/08/2023 21:53

To get something they want that may have been refused them if they told the truth.
Their own wishes are more important to them than behaving with integrity.
I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you have support.

LaPerduta · 30/08/2023 21:56

Because they can?

But also, single men lie, divorced men lie, widowed men lie, etc.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 22:01

To get laid....

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 30/08/2023 23:49

5128gap · 30/08/2023 21:53

To get something they want that may have been refused them if they told the truth.
Their own wishes are more important to them than behaving with integrity.
I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you have support.

Thank you. I have support, but no one understands how I can want him to still want me. I think I just feel so gullible and stupid.

OP posts:
DojaPhat · 30/08/2023 23:51

Were you together long?

Daffodilwoman · 30/08/2023 23:55

Oh he sounds like a piece of shit.
He did it to get a shag.
Why he didn’t use contraception? Well at best he can be described as per the first sentence.
I hope you are claiming maintenance from him through the proper channels.

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2023 00:00

he says he’s not allowed to see me now

So he's not seeing his child at all?

Because presumably he'd have to do pick-ups and drop offs etc.

Is his spouse/partner even aware he's had a child with another woman?

Are they planning on him never seeing your child and any other kids of his never knowing about or seeing their hand sibling?

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2023 00:01

Is he paying you the CM his child is owed?

GilbertMarkham · 31/08/2023 00:04

As to your question; because they wanted flirtation, sex, romance, validation, attention etc from another woman on the side.... Without having to sacrifice their main, established relationship.

As 5128gap.- a poster who always hits the nail on the head - said ... Their wishes & wants supercede all morals, decency, integrity and empathy for other people (which they lack).

The especially abhorrent and irresponsible ones don't use reliable contraception while doing this.

givingupchocolatemonday · 31/08/2023 00:12

Because they want to have their cake and eat it.

It's hard to swallow but remember your self worth l, I've been in your position (not with the baby) and now I look back and wonder what the hell I was doing and for so long! It never a relationship it was an affair.
Fairyland for him. Sex and fun with one - love with the other.
Love always wins (but not for the wife who will hate him forever)
learn from it, hurt, heal then find someone better
And claim maintenance!!

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/08/2023 00:14

Same reason that single men or married//single women lie sometimes. Because they’re not nice people.

BoohooWoohoo · 31/08/2023 00:17

He did it because he wanted to fuck you and you probably wouldn't have ducked him if you knew his marital status.

porridgeisbae · 31/08/2023 00:42

They lie for sex and/or ego strokes.

So sorry you went through this.

He's 'not allowed to see you' but he's still messaging a lot confused 😐

You could get some closure by you deciding how much messaging there is, so you have more power in the relationship.

Maybe only message about essential stuff about the baby (if he plans to be involved.)

I think stopping/virtually stopping the messaging is the only way you'll get over him- the messaging keeps the wound open and keeps you hooked in.

porridgeisbae · 31/08/2023 00:44

Sorry I didn't mean to write 'confused,' just do the emoji.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 31/08/2023 03:50

Aren't you angry with him?

You seem to have passively accepted this and are carrying on messaging him, hoping for some crumbs!

Does his wife know about the baby?

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 09:29

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 31/08/2023 03:50

Aren't you angry with him?

You seem to have passively accepted this and are carrying on messaging him, hoping for some crumbs!

Does his wife know about the baby?

I want to be angry but I just feel too upset I think. Your bit about the crumbs feels painfully accurate!

His wife knows now but hasn't for long.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 09:32

To answer some other questions - I was seeing him for several years, he didn't want the baby and I think only saw baby because he was seeing me.

I've not made any claims for maintenance yet. Although I am considering it.

I'd been on contraception but was in the tiny percentage of people who it doesn't work for.

Thank you everyone for your replies, it helps to see it from an outside perspective.

OP posts:
Susieb2023 · 31/08/2023 09:48

I get that your heart broken but the damage he has caused his wife is immeasurable. A baby by an AP is just the stuff of nightmares for betrayed women. She will be utterly traumatised and suffering acutely right now.

You get over him by seeing him for who he is. A man who knowingly stole his wife’s right to informed sexual consent and personal agency for several years. He continues to lie and cheat on her with the continued contact with you. I’m sure part of the deal for her to stay is that he breaks ALL contact, if you’re still in contact you’re knowingly engaging in that hurt for her.

He has shown you how little he values you and your beautiful baby by his continued playing games and his agreement to walk away from you both. Seriously what’s to love about this man.

Do seek financial support and then cut all ties unless necessary. And please look into how you can protect yourself from these predators again by thinking about how the red flags would have been waving but you stayed in a relationship where you must have been getting scraps from him.

You and your baby deserve so much better.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/08/2023 10:22

Are you claiming child maintenance from this piece of work?

How could you not know he was married? Didn't you go to his house? Didn't he spend weekends with you?

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 10:37

Susieb2023 · 31/08/2023 09:48

I get that your heart broken but the damage he has caused his wife is immeasurable. A baby by an AP is just the stuff of nightmares for betrayed women. She will be utterly traumatised and suffering acutely right now.

You get over him by seeing him for who he is. A man who knowingly stole his wife’s right to informed sexual consent and personal agency for several years. He continues to lie and cheat on her with the continued contact with you. I’m sure part of the deal for her to stay is that he breaks ALL contact, if you’re still in contact you’re knowingly engaging in that hurt for her.

He has shown you how little he values you and your beautiful baby by his continued playing games and his agreement to walk away from you both. Seriously what’s to love about this man.

Do seek financial support and then cut all ties unless necessary. And please look into how you can protect yourself from these predators again by thinking about how the red flags would have been waving but you stayed in a relationship where you must have been getting scraps from him.

You and your baby deserve so much better.

Edited

Thank you for this. You've said exactly what I already know deep down. I will be taking all advice on board and try to move forward.

I think the continued messages are just prolonging the inevitable and I do get that his wife is way more important. I'm just also hormonal and feeling a little lost.

I really appreciate your message though.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 10:39

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/08/2023 10:22

Are you claiming child maintenance from this piece of work?

How could you not know he was married? Didn't you go to his house? Didn't he spend weekends with you?

He had various excuses and reasons for why I never visited his house. We spent weekends away together and I guess I just took him at face value and believed the lies. Definitely won't be making that mistake again.
I'll look at how to claim maintenance but I feel guilty for even considering it. I'd hate to negatively impact his wife and her children anymore than I already have.

OP posts:
Bebosally · 31/08/2023 10:41

When you say that he lied, did you ever ask him if he was married and he said no. Or did he lie by omission? In other words, did you assume he was single and he obviously never mentioned his family life?

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 10:50

Bebosally · 31/08/2023 10:41

When you say that he lied, did you ever ask him if he was married and he said no. Or did he lie by omission? In other words, did you assume he was single and he obviously never mentioned his family life?

I asked. Several times. He said he was divorced and that they didn't get along well.

OP posts:
Bebosally · 31/08/2023 10:58

He's a liar and a fraud. You dodged a bullet. He definitely needs to contribute financially to your child's life.

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