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Original poster

Why do some married men lie??

39 replies

AnxiousSandwich · 30/08/2023 21:26

How do you get over someone who you never really knew in the first place but was/is still so important?

I had a relationship with a married man, only I didn’t know he was married. Even though I now know I can’t just get over how I feel.

We still message all the time but he says he’s not allowed to see me now but I feel like I’ve had no closure.

It all happened so suddenly and what’s worse is that I’ve just had his baby. I just don’t know how to cut him off or maybe I don’t want to. I don’t know. It just seems impossible.

Why did he have to lie to me in the first place?

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 31/08/2023 10:59

Block his number, cut contact as that’s the only way you can move on however I’d definitely be putting a claim in for maintenance, he still needs to help pay towards his child.

it’s not just married men that lie, all people from all walks of life lie, mainly to get their own way or to make themselves feel better.

Tally00 · 31/08/2023 11:09

The main person to suffer here is your baby who won't get to have a dad through no fault of their own.
I would be encouraging him to see his child and claiming the maintenance you and your child deserve and need.
Why should your baby miss out?

The way I see it if she chooses to stay with him after what she knows he's done then she accepts your child is here and if she isn't prepared to then she doesn't stay with him.
If she leaves she'd still expect maintenance and for him to see their child, he's your ex and she has to come to terms with that and accept he has made other responsibilities for himself.

LunaNorth · 31/08/2023 11:13

Your hormones are tying you to him at the moment. It’s primal, to do with protection of yourself and your baby at a vulnerable time.

Once that fades you’ll see him for the shit he is.

Whattodowithit88 · 31/08/2023 11:24

Because he can.

kidsonthemoon · 31/08/2023 11:33

He needs to be financially responsible for his child, end of. Why should anyone else pay for them.you didn't negatively impact his wife, he did, when he fucked you without using protection. Out of interest why were you not using protection either ?
Why you would want anything to do with this lying piece of scum is beyond me

Themosswidow · 31/08/2023 11:34

Tally00 · 31/08/2023 11:09

The main person to suffer here is your baby who won't get to have a dad through no fault of their own.
I would be encouraging him to see his child and claiming the maintenance you and your child deserve and need.
Why should your baby miss out?

The way I see it if she chooses to stay with him after what she knows he's done then she accepts your child is here and if she isn't prepared to then she doesn't stay with him.
If she leaves she'd still expect maintenance and for him to see their child, he's your ex and she has to come to terms with that and accept he has made other responsibilities for himself.

This man is a liar. Do not underestimate how completely lies permeate his being. Does his wife actually know about you? Does she know about the baby? Do you only have his word for what has happened? Remember, he lies. He may have decided to end it with you, now you have a baby, and so lied to you about why he can't see you. Another of his affair partners may have ratted him out and he's laying low with all his affair partners to avoid suspicion before he starts having affairs again. You can trust nothing of what this man says, not matter how sincere he sounds.

Claim maintenance. Don't hide your baby away. If he and his wife have kids your child has step siblings as well as a Dad and paternal grandparents/ aunts and uncles. You child deserves a chance to get to know these people. They deserve a chance to get to know your child. They at least need to know s/he exists.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 11:38

kidsonthemoon · 31/08/2023 11:33

He needs to be financially responsible for his child, end of. Why should anyone else pay for them.you didn't negatively impact his wife, he did, when he fucked you without using protection. Out of interest why were you not using protection either ?
Why you would want anything to do with this lying piece of scum is beyond me

I was on the pill. Took it everyday as your supposed to. But fell pregnant anyway.

He insisted I have an abortion but that just wasn't something I felt comfortable with.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 11:41

@Themosswidow I do only have his word for what has happened with regard to his wife. I've no idea whether she knows the full story or not but I don't think it's fair for me to interfere in their relationship.

I think the advice to cut all contact makes sense, it's just hard.

OP posts:
Spacemoon · 31/08/2023 11:45

When did you find out he was married? You say his wife hasn't long known? Assuming it all hit the fan when your baby was born?

You really need to get your head straight and focused on you and your baby going forward. Arrange CM, stop the messaging - besides messages about your child (if he wants to be involved that is) and put all your energy into the one good thing you got out of this mess, your baby.

Sorry you've been through this. Be kind to yourself.

kidsonthemoon · 31/08/2023 11:45

That's shit for you that you were in the pill and that happened anyway . I've heard it happens occasionally. He still has to pay for his child . It's not your responsibility to protect his wife from pain. He caused it , not you , let him suffer the consequences

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 11:52

@Spacemoon
She's only found out in the last couple of weeks. Which is also when I found out they are still very much together.

I'd never have knowingly had an affair.

OP posts:
Themosswidow · 31/08/2023 12:13

AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 11:41

@Themosswidow I do only have his word for what has happened with regard to his wife. I've no idea whether she knows the full story or not but I don't think it's fair for me to interfere in their relationship.

I think the advice to cut all contact makes sense, it's just hard.

Its up to you but personally I would see it as he interfered in their relationship by having the affair. All you would be doing is making sure she has the information she needs to make her own decisions. Whilst he is lying to her/ withholding information he is seeking to control her, to make the decision he wants her to, by controlling the knowledge.

That's how I see it anyway.

Original poster
AnxiousSandwich · 31/08/2023 13:54

@Themosswidow
Unfortunately I have no way of contacting her in a way she would appreciate.

Ultimately, I'll have to just focus on myself and the baby and hope things all work out in the end.

Thank you for your supportive and understanding messages.

OP posts:
user1497207191 · 31/08/2023 13:55

@AnxiousSandwich

Why did he have to lie to me in the first place?

The usual answer is so he could get into your pants.

Would you have had sex with him if you'd known he was married??

There's your answer.

Look after yourself and child now. Make sure he pays child maintenance etc at the very least. Don't give a second thought to his wife's feelings etc - that's 100% HIS problem, not yours.

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