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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend's ex-partner and car situation

31 replies

wednamenov · 30/08/2023 13:29

Name changed and posting on behalf of a friend.

Her ex-partner walked out on her and their two girls two years ago. He took the car she owns (still registered in her name), and she has been paying the insurance and road tax on it for all the time he has been driving it. He hasn't once acknowledged this or offered to contribute. In fact, he has cut money he gives her for the girls to an unbelievably miserly amount while incredibly being semi-supported by her.

He has now got a new girlfriend that he wants to move towns to be with, routinely vilifies her to their girls, we think has secured legal aid, and is starting a custody battle in spite of the fact his actions are making his girls absolutely hate him.

My friend is now in the position of having to raid all her savings that she had put to one side for her girls university to try pay legal fees to fight this, and she's already struggling financially.

She is desperate and needs to sell that car and is planning to stop paying insurance and road tax, and offering to let him have first option to buy it from her.

Can he refuse to do this and defy her and keep the car? Is she liable if he drives without insurance because the car is in her name? Can he insure the car without her permission and keep driving it even if he doesn't own it?

Asking for advice so I can help my absolutely broken friend sort it out.

OP posts:

caerdydd12 · 30/08/2023 13:30

Does she have the spare key? If so, can she not just go and get it? She's both the registered keeper and legal owner it sounds.

Daniki · 30/08/2023 13:31

Could she not report it as theft?

Bonbon21 · 30/08/2023 13:32

She could tell him to return said vehicle to her by a given time or she will cancel insurance and report it stolen.

Original poster

wednamenov · 30/08/2023 13:33

I'm going to ask her that. I'm not sure she has the courage to just take it, and then there's the knowledge he still has a key and could just take it back. Or if she sells it, there's a missing key out there. But I am going to ask her.

OP posts:

Original poster

wednamenov · 30/08/2023 13:36

Bonbon21 · 30/08/2023 13:32

She could tell him to return said vehicle to her by a given time or she will cancel insurance and report it stolen.

My advice so far is to cancel insurance and give him the option to either buy it or return it. I am pre-emptively worrying that he might not comply, and what to do if he doesn't. Preparing for the worst. I have suggested reporting it stolen if he doesn't but she's incredibly reluctant to do anything that might inflame the situation. I am concerned he'll gamble on that knowing she might just end up giving him the car.

But she could really really use the money right now.

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/08/2023 13:38

Were they married? If so, I would think the car would be considered a marital asset, but IANAL.

I'd suggest your friend engages a solicitor as soon as possible and follows their advice.

CassiniG · 30/08/2023 13:39

If she is the only registered keeper and insurer for her only I would contact police and say he's taken the car without permission.

If she's paying insurance that includes him as a named driver, get his name removed before calling the police.

Do not contact the ex about it.

pikkumyy77 · 30/08/2023 13:42

She can always get another key made or have the car rekeyed. She should get it back and sell it without any reference to him.

Epidote · 30/08/2023 13:51

If the car is hers but both are designated drivers in the insurance. She can sell it. She can take him off the insurance and she can report the car stolen if he refuses to give her the car back.

If she is the legal owner he only has the right to drive it if the owner allowed it with an appropriate insurance.

Original poster

wednamenov · 30/08/2023 14:40

Thanks for the advice. I'll relay all to my friend.

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 30/08/2023 14:41

Just report the bloody thing stolen!

Lellochip · 30/08/2023 14:53

She can't really just report it as stolen, she let him take it and then has been paying him for two years for the privilege.

Does she have proof of ownership of the car? Being the registered keeper is not the same thing. If the car was a joint purchase she'll struggle to claim it's hers to sell now, but it would be a civil dispute not one for the police.

Has he refused to give it back or is she just pre-empting him being difficult? The first thing she needs to do is actually tell him to return it, preferably in writing

Original poster

wednamenov · 30/08/2023 17:28

Has he refused to give it back or is she just pre-empting him being difficult? The first thing she needs to do is actually tell him to return it, preferably in writing

Actually, it's me who is pre-empting him being difficult and trying to get ahead of any potential issues before they arise. My friend is broken and struggling to cope. I'm so worried about her. On top of dealing with very stressed unhappy children (which he can't see), she's financially broken and trying to keep her business going so they have a roof over their head. She needs help.

Yes, letter has been drafted and she will send it recorded delivery. He has been asked to reply letting her know what he intends to do in writing as well.

Does she have proof of ownership of the car? Being the registered keeper is not the same thing.

Her father bought it for her. Her dad is especially aghast that the ex is driving around in a car he bought while driving a train through his daughter's life, a car partially funded by his daughter (who dad is now helping financially), while the ex constantly reduces payments to his children. In a way its her dad who financed and is still financing the car. The lack of insight, dignity, maturity and pride from the ex is absolutely mind-boggling. But there you go.

I hope we can sort it without it escalating but he is spectacularly incapable of seeing anything other than his own point of view - to the point I think there's probably a psychiatric explanation for it. He's weirdly like a child in a man's body.

I do honestly sincerely feel for his new girlfriend (and her three children!). They're still in the new glow of love. I suspect she's been told my friend is abusive, evil etc and he's a victim. She doesn't yet have any idea what she's in for down the line. He is very very tough to live with.

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Lellochip · 30/08/2023 19:25

Ah that's good about her dad, Harder to claim that it was a joint car or a gift from her to him etc. Would her dad be willing to do the chasing if he is difficult? Take some of the stress off your friend?

Cherrysoup · 30/08/2023 19:30

Who is the registered owner? This does not have to be the same as the registered keeper, that’s pretty key. If her dad bought it, is he the owner and did he put her on the V5 as the registered keeper?

DelphiniumBlue · 30/08/2023 19:41

"Yes, letter has been drafted and she will send it recorded delivery. He has been asked to reply letting her know what he intends to do in writing as well."

Why is she asking him what he intends to do?? She needs to tell him she is taking her car. She can just go and get it, it's hers. She could get her Dad to go with her.
Or she could tell him to bring it back. No explanations are necessary, just that the car is to be returned by tomorrow. If he doesn't return she can go and get it and if for any reason it's not there, that's when she reports it stolen. She can remove his name form the insurance with immediate effect. If she wants to justify that, she could say that she can no longer afford to pay for any of this, but she doesn't have to give reasons at all.
Why isn't her Dad stepping up? He could just turn up at Ex's and say that he's come to get the car.

PubAtTheEndOfTheWorld · 30/08/2023 19:44

Don't under estimate how low the ex can go.

sadly a friend was in a similar position, apart from he took the car (in her name) and paid tax and insurance, but eventually stopped paying (didn't tell her)but also wouldn't give it, or
the keys back. Then left it sat on a road untaxed and insured, all the dvla letters went to her old address (still his).

She actually ended up in the dock in court, and could have faced a prison sentence.

I'd ask him to return the car by next week. if he doesn't. Then definitely report it as stolen. Do not mess around doing anything else.

CassiniG · 30/08/2023 19:52

Asking him to give it back MAY result in him damaging the car!

Under the circumstances you should have just turned up and taken the vehicle back.

Starlightstarbright2 · 30/08/2023 19:59

just check legally where she stands .Is she or dad the registered keeper . Who has the log book.

she needs to be clear she doesn’t get in trouble owning an uninsured car on the road

Opentooffers · 30/08/2023 20:13

Your friend is phenomenally poor at asserting her rights. It's unbelievable that she has paid the insurance and tax for 2 years. I'd of stopped all that the moment he left and he'd of had a twoc conviction if he didn't give it back. Somehow she's actively paid and renewed tax and insurance probably twice since he left, that's ludicrous.
It's almost as if she hoped he'd come back, until his GF moved in.
Has she had correspondence from his solicitor, or is she going by what he's saying? It could be BS threats that amount nothing.

Bewildbefree · 30/08/2023 20:14

Report it stolen.
Go with the police to the house and take the bloody thing back.
Absolute cheek of the ex!

Coolblur · 30/08/2023 20:16

Has she tried telling him to give it back? When he says no she should just go and take it, with a friend if it helps. That way she has given him the opportunity to do the right thing. Once she has it she should put a steering lock on it at all times, a disklok or similar, so he can't take it back.
If he is insured on it then reporting it as stolen is pointless as he has implied permission to use it. I don't think cancelling the insurance then reporting it as stolen is wise, that is obviously going to cause a lot of tension if he gets arrested.
Another option would be just to leave it with him and he can have it in the divorce settlement. That doesn't help with her need for cash right now though

Original poster

wednamenov · 31/08/2023 22:54

@DelphiniumBlue

Why is she asking him what he intends to do??

She's giving him the choice of buy it off her at a price she stipulated, or return it.

Why isn't her Dad stepping up? He could just turn up at Ex's and say that he's come to get the car.

He wanted to. She asked him not to. She has custody issues and doesn't want to inflame things further.

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Original poster

wednamenov · 31/08/2023 22:56

@Lellochip

Would her dad be willing to do the chasing if he is difficult? Take some of the stress off your friend?

Oh, he'd LOVE the opportunity to do the chasing. Preferably into the sea. It could end up with murder charges though.

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Original poster

wednamenov · 31/08/2023 22:57

@PubAtTheEndOfTheWorld That's awful! Will definitely share this story. Your poor friend. What a bastard.

OP posts:

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