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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trauma bond

31 replies

babybopella · 30/08/2023 08:39

I love my dp very much, but things are not right. We have children together, they are babies. I am not exactly financially dependent on him but if he left I’d be a lot worse off as his wage is quite a bit more than mine. We’ve had our issues in the past, but now I’m starting to think he will never change. He can be very spiteful. He drinks and lies about it. Slags me off to his friends, says that I’ve done and said things that I haven’t. He gaslights. I have found myself feeling incredibly anxious when he’s coming home as I don’t know what mood he will be in. He nit picks at everything. If we have a disagreement he will go off on one, loudly rant about anything and everything. Being mean about my kids from a previous relationship, he will say anything that he knows will get an angry response from me. He wants me to bite. I usually do but recently I’ve been blocking my ears and simply not listening to any of it. Then I don’t get angry. But this isn’t right obviously.

I think I want this relationship to end now, but I can’t. When I’ve tried it’s like someone’s died. I’ve googled it and it says I’m in a trauma bond and that’s why I can’t leave him. It makes sense. I need to break it but it all says I need therapy which I don’t have the time or the money for.

how do I break out of it? I can’t carry on like this

OP posts:
Layinwait · 30/08/2023 08:43

How do you break up?

by thinking what a horrible toxic and thoroughly shitty environment this will be for your children

Layinwait · 30/08/2023 08:43

Mean about your children from a previous relationship? FFS OP. How the hell have you stayed with him

Original poster
babybopella · 30/08/2023 08:57

Those comments actually are not helpful. Clearly I’m finding it hard to leave, but know I want to and should. He’s mean in the sense that he will make comments, not to them but to me, but he does it to wind me up, he knows that will get a reaction out of me. He’s not mean to them otherwise. He only says things to get a reaction. To answer why I haven’t left, well he promises to be different and I fall for it.. we have Intense highs and lows, so some times things are amazing, but then they are really bad. Hence why I said i think it’s a trauma bond and I can’t break it and it’s making me miserable

OP posts:
Layinwait · 30/08/2023 08:58

Those comments actually are not helpful.

op - every day you stay is another day your children are growing up in a horrible environment with an abusive man.

Layinwait · 30/08/2023 08:58

trauma bond

putting a name on it isn’t going to help you or your children op

Original poster
babybopella · 30/08/2023 08:59

Well I wish I never posted for help. I’m going to get it removed

OP posts:
Original poster
babybopella · 30/08/2023 09:01

I know it’s abusive. Did you not know it takes on average someone 7 times to leave an abusive relationship? I’ve probably tried about 4.

OP posts:
WhineWhineWhineWINE · 30/08/2023 09:01

Nobody can do it for you, not even a counsellor. It's incredibly hard, but it's true that you have to find the strength in yourself somehow. You are not happy, he will not change. Repeat this to yourself over and over again.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 30/08/2023 09:02

Keep trying until you get there, it's very hard but you will survive it.

Original poster
babybopella · 30/08/2023 09:03

But how do I? Every time I try my brain tells me I need him. It’s like a drug withdrawal. We struggle financially as it is also so I’ll struggle a lot more alone. Honestly I want to break free from this, but I’m struggling to.

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 30/08/2023 09:04

@babybopella I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm going through trauma bonding myself and realise I have been for years.
I'm lucky enough that I do have the time and resources for therapy but christ it's hard to unpick.
H and I are starting couples therapy too, but in my case with a view to finding strength to end it
I think it might help to ring Women's Aid. They may be able to offer advice.
I feel for you. Women who haven't experienced it won't understand.

SPF50 · 30/08/2023 09:04

Have you ever worked in a supermarket? Even as a Saturday girl? If yes I believe you can get six free sessions with a therapist. The supermarket pays for them. Have a look into this. You are in an abusive relationship with someone who has worn you down over time. It’s not good for you/children to be in this situation. It’s important to remember the children first and foremost and with regards to financial issues, it is better for them to be poorer but happy. Good luck

Original poster
babybopella · 30/08/2023 09:07

SPF50 · 30/08/2023 09:04

Have you ever worked in a supermarket? Even as a Saturday girl? If yes I believe you can get six free sessions with a therapist. The supermarket pays for them. Have a look into this. You are in an abusive relationship with someone who has worn you down over time. It’s not good for you/children to be in this situation. It’s important to remember the children first and foremost and with regards to financial issues, it is better for them to be poorer but happy. Good luck

No I have never worked in a supermarket. That’s another thing, I’d have to give up my job as I work nights and I’d never get the child care for it. I love my job.

OP posts:
Original poster
babybopella · 30/08/2023 09:08

Weatherwax13 · 30/08/2023 09:04

@babybopella I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm going through trauma bonding myself and realise I have been for years.
I'm lucky enough that I do have the time and resources for therapy but christ it's hard to unpick.
H and I are starting couples therapy too, but in my case with a view to finding strength to end it
I think it might help to ring Women's Aid. They may be able to offer advice.
I feel for you. Women who haven't experienced it won't understand.

I have spoken to women’s aid in the past but I didn’t find it all that helpful if I’m honest. I think it would be helpful if I was actually ready to leave, but I’m not. I need to get there

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 30/08/2023 09:18

You have to separate all the things that would change if you leave him from the fact you want to leave him, otherwise you'll never be able to do it.

When you look at how your life will be different, you naturally start to weight up that life against the one you have now, and then it feels like, on balance, you might be better off staying.

I ended up dithering around this for ages before the decision was made for me when he started on our very young DC (and then something snapped inside me and leaving suddenly went from a choice I could make to an immediate necessity).

But I don't recommend letting it get to that point as your DC will also be traumatised by your abusive relationship, even as tiny babies. It will still affect their childhoods and adulthoods but unfortunately you won't know how much until you're sat in therapy with them as children and teenagers (and adults!) so the quicker you can muster up the courage to protect them and get out, the more you protect them from the trauma they will inadvertently be experienced through your stress on a daily basis.

It hard, of course, but I would research how an abusive relationship can affect young children as that can be a very strong motivating factor.

yellowsmileyface · 30/08/2023 09:24

Unfortunately there's no secret key we can give you to breaking a trauma bond.

You're right, it is exactly like a drug. Using that analogy, if you knew someone who was a heroin addict, what would you advise them?

You probably feel stumped to think of a response, because there's not really anything you can do as an outsider, it has to come from them. People usually don't give up their addictions until they hit rock bottom and have no other choice but to get clean. Perhaps you haven't yet hit your rock bottom within the relationship, and that's why you don't feel ready to leave.

At the same time, a heroin addict can't overcome their addiction to the substance whilst they're still using. Similarly, you can't break a trauma bond whilst you're still in the relationship.

You want to break the trauma bond so you can leave, but you have to leave to break the trauma bond.

TheSandgroper · 30/08/2023 09:28

He is mean to you and winds you up because he likes it so much it has become his happy place. Bonus points to himself that he can get there at will.

Any change has to come from you because he has no incentive to change. You can live with it (which means you will have made your bed and have to lie in it) or you can walk out/tip him out, stick to it and make a life for yourself and your family.

You do have children, you did invite these children into your life and it is on you (cos he won’t) to bring them up safely.

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2023 09:36

babybopella · 30/08/2023 09:01

I know it’s abusive. Did you not know it takes on average someone 7 times to leave an abusive relationship? I’ve probably tried about 4.

When one is feeling defeated and stressed, it's very easy to read more into statistics than they mean.

I don't know whether this is what you're thinking, but since you brought this information up, it does sound like it's playing into your thinking around this issue.

It's important to remember that these kinds of statistics are based on samples and that's only an average - it's not a number to aim for and it's not going to become more likely you'll be able to leave once you've hit the 7th attempt to leave. This will just be based on a survey conducted after the fact and there's nothing special that happens to a person at the 7th attempt.

Also, I would suspect that the average number of attempts it takes might be higher in a sample of women who've read this statistic and have taken it to heart.

The average will be made up of a range of people and there will be lots of people who took far more attempts and lots who took far fewer attempts to leave.

Jibbi · 30/08/2023 09:38

It's hard, I can understand what you are going through. A part of me knew it wasn't right but I couldn't leave, even when it got worse I was bound and hoped things would get better. In the end they turned volatile, turned on me and made the decision for me after I had put up with it all that time.

It is like an addiction and at first for months I was lost, completely destroyed and mind turned inside out. However, the longer it has gone on the weaker that bond has become and the more clearly I can see how bad it actually was to the point I can now see it started when we first met but I didn't see.

The only way that bond will break is if you get distance and do it, which is hard and it's hard after you do too.

However, you need to think what's better, living like that for the rest of your life with the possibility of it becoming worse like mine did or going through the pain of breaking that bond and having the rest of your life in a better place or relationship that's healthy.

Original poster
babybopella · 30/08/2023 09:48

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2023 09:36

When one is feeling defeated and stressed, it's very easy to read more into statistics than they mean.

I don't know whether this is what you're thinking, but since you brought this information up, it does sound like it's playing into your thinking around this issue.

It's important to remember that these kinds of statistics are based on samples and that's only an average - it's not a number to aim for and it's not going to become more likely you'll be able to leave once you've hit the 7th attempt to leave. This will just be based on a survey conducted after the fact and there's nothing special that happens to a person at the 7th attempt.

Also, I would suspect that the average number of attempts it takes might be higher in a sample of women who've read this statistic and have taken it to heart.

The average will be made up of a range of people and there will be lots of people who took far more attempts and lots who took far fewer attempts to leave.

Show quote history

You’re reading too much into what I said about the statistics. It’s not a number I’m aiming for and it wasn’t even in my head till I said it on here to make some see that it’s not that easy to leave an abusive situation

OP posts:
LemonyTicket · 31/08/2023 19:24

Sorry about the unhelpful responses you got from some people here.

Breaking a trauma bond is extremely difficult, as it leaving a long term relationship when you have children.

The only way to break a trauma bond is NO CONTACT.

I knew someone who went through this and they knew the person was a shit, but their psyche was addicted to them as the supplier of relief.

They eventually left, and the worst part is the first 3 - 4 weeks, then after that it gets a bit easier. Within a year you will think "what on earth did I ever see in them"

If you don't feel able to do it, you can get counselling or do something to help yourself

BreakTheChain · 31/08/2023 20:23

OP trauma bonds are very difficult to break. Speak to womens aid and see if there is any therapy you will be able to access whether before or after leaving him. You know what you need to do and that is half the battle.

Each time you find yourself doubting leaving or find yourself drawn in tell yourself "this is a trauma bond, nothing more and nothing less. I can and will survive without him. I will be happy." Tell yourself that 3 times a day every day until your brain believes it. You can break free and you will

morethanspice · 01/09/2023 06:29

I ended up with my teenage kids begging me to separate. Don’t be me.

OilOfRoses · 01/09/2023 06:52

morethanspice · 01/09/2023 06:29

I ended up with my teenage kids begging me to separate. Don’t be me.

Did you leave? Just curious because we begged for the same and it never happened.

OilOfRoses · 01/09/2023 06:53

OP, it might not be helpful but sometimes I can find my strength to do hard things by making myself find the strength for my children. I don't know if that might work for you.