Trauma bond

[babybopella]

I love my dp very much, but things are not right. We have children together, they are babies. I am not exactly financially dependent on him but if he left I’d be a lot worse off as his wage is quite a bit more than mine. We’ve had our issues in the past, but now I’m starting to think he will never change. He can be very spiteful. He drinks and lies about it. Slags me off to his friends, says that I’ve done and said things that I haven’t. He gaslights. I have found myself feeling incredibly anxious when he’s coming home as I don’t know what mood he will be in. He nit picks at everything. If we have a disagreement he will go off on one, loudly rant about anything and everything. Being mean about my kids from a previous relationship, he will say anything that he knows will get an angry response from me. He wants me to bite. I usually do but recently I’ve been blocking my ears and simply not listening to any of it. Then I don’t get angry. But this isn’t right obviously.

I think I want this relationship to end now, but I can’t. When I’ve tried it’s like someone’s died. I’ve googled it and it says I’m in a trauma bond and that’s why I can’t leave him. It makes sense. I need to break it but it all says I need therapy which I don’t have the time or the money for.

how do I break out of it? I can’t carry on like this

Can you make a plan and break it down into steps.

So first steps, figure out how to leave- where to move to, plan finances etc. set a date to leave.

Make plans for after the date- ie have counselling lined up, support of friends etc. you need to go no contact afterwards and stick to it.

Is there a local domestic abuse charity you can seek help from?

Oilofroses eventually my kids, armed with evidence of his long term affair, confronted him. We separated on that day and are now divorced x

You’ve had a rough ride on this thread @babybopella… not sure why. 💐

I’d suggest you read up a lot more about Trauma bonding and abusive relationships. Loads here on MN and YouTube.

Maybe look into doing The Freedom Programme. You can do it online, but it’s even better in person if possible. The courses are often run by local DV services so you can get to know them. I’d think they’d all be starting new sessions in September.

Build your confidence. Your knowledge. Your support system. Educate yourself.

… then try and make attempt number 5 as your last one.

(JUST DON’T LET HIM KNOW OF YOUR PLANS)

It's incredibly difficult. I've been here. In a different way. I was 3 years with a man who basically wore a good mask when we met. Over time his money troubles, addiciton history and mood swings came along. I started finding out more and more baggage he carried. Exes. Other women. Lie after lie. But by the time I knew all this I'd been through several mentally abusive cycles of him being nice and caring and convincing me it was all in my head.

For a long long time I chased. I tried to handle him. I cried and stayed awake anxious.

Then gradually over the course of 3 months I naturally started to go off him quite quickly. To the point I just saw a light I guess? I felt somehow stronger. I no longer cared. He was lying at that point to a ridiculous point and insulting My intelligence until I was disgusted at him. I realised he wasn't building any sort of life up for us. He was in his own world and I was stepping out of mine to go into his. But he never visited mine. It was like everything I enjoyed or wanted I did with other people or alone. Walks in the countryside. Shopping days. Days out. Meals out. Cinema. Anything I liked to do..because he never had a car. Or his back was always hurting. Or he was skint. Yet he was always able to pop out for his weed. He'd lie in bed asleep all afternoon sometimes and I would sit there bored stiff Thinking what the hell am I doing wasting my time on this. I became more and more awake and then I had nothing to loose. I used to tip toe around him and gas light myself that he was being honest. But I got to a point where I just said exactly what I thought and I no longer cared. I started making excuses not to see him. I dont think he ever expected it. But eventually it got to a point where single amd alone forever was so much more positive than being grinded down..

I highly recommend therapy or YouTube. Educate yourself and talk about it over and over until you feel relief. Go for long walks by yourself. Think and think.

Listen to your gut. Listen to the thoughts that come into your head. Sometimes I would be sat on my bed and I'd just hear something in my head like "he's lying to you" and it was my own head screaming at me.

I know exactly where you are at. People don't understand. But it's honestly about finding that moment when you are done. 100% done. Whilst there's even a tiny bit left you will go around in another cycle.

Someone told me would you want another 5 years of this? It really made me pause! Because I had convinced myself he would change! The reality is this is exactly who they are! So this is exactly what you get to keep and have for the next 20 years. People's personalities rarely change. Good luck x

Thank you for the recent helpful replies and sharing stories.

I can’t go no contact as we have children together. I’m not sure how that would work? I think I’d stay in the house, as I lived here first, it’s rented. I do worry though that financially I’ll struggle massively even with his maintenance it wouldn’t be enough as he pays the rent at the moment. Even if I claimed universal credit I wouldn’t be better off. I also would have to give up my job as he has the kids while I work; no childcare around here for evenings and weekends that are ofsted registered and I’d need them to be to claim back some of the costs . Leaving my job makes me sad.

I am starting to dislike him more. Things are getting worse. The other day; I told him I had no money left, he gave me his card and told me an amount to take out. He said just have it and do what you want with it. I did: then this morning he goes “why did you take x amount out of my bank? “ I said you told me to… he said “I don’t remember that , why would I, I need it” so now he’s taken it back. Made me feel shit.

he drinks and lies about it a lot, he had a few last night and when he came to bed woke me on purpose knowing I was shattered, I told him to leave me alone and he starts ranting that it’s not his fault I’m tired it’s the kids ect. He will deny drinking and lying even when I have evidence. In the past I caught him messaging other women also.. list goes on. Writing it down is making me realise how bad it all is

Hi Babybopella,
I know this is an old thread but came across it when looking for help with trauma bonds myself.
How are things now? Were you able to leave?
x