It isn’t fair.

[Cantfeelmyfingertips]

I split with my ex just about 2 years ago. We were married for over 30 years (we got married as soon as I turned 18) and we split because he had an affair. There was an awful lot of gaslighting prior to me finding out when I had suspicions, an awful lot of him trying to convince me I was being ridiculous, needing help.

I have emails from him prior to me finding out of him trying to convince me I was the only one he wanted, he would do anything for me, I was his world and why would he cheat when he had me????
Once I did find out he was cheating he asked if we could work it out, but I said no. I confided in his mum when I thought he was cheating, as I have no family of my own, no siblings and once it was all out in the open she even said to me that it was mental cruelty he inflicted on me.

Anyway, I deleted him off social media straight away, but I stupidly for some unknown reason checked his Facebook the other day and I saw pictures of him and OW playing happy families with her little boy, and he looks so so happy, and so does she.
Me on the other hand I’m just getting by, I’m working 2 jobs and trying to study for a degree at this late stage in my life.
He doesn’t bother with our adult children, one wants a relationship with him the other doesn’t, but the pictures of her and her child he looks like he is really engaging with them both, he never ever bothered with our children when they were younger, his own flesh and blood. I once heard his parents and siblings say it was terrible he didn’t bother with his kids, one time his friend said to him in front of me that he should be spending more time with his children (this was when the children were younger).

Why is it fair, that after everything he put me through that he gets to be happy, that they get to be happy, him and her and her child? It just doesn’t seem fair and I’m really struggling in life to pay the mortgage and all the bills, put our youngest through university (my youngest does also work, but he still needs financial help and his dad said he isn’t paying anything toward his education as it’s his choice to go onto university so he stopped all maintenance when he turned 18). My oldest is in a minimum wage job and he does contribute to the house.

I know people say a life lived well is the best revenge, but all I do is work to pay the bills and any spare time I have I study. I do have friends but they have their own life’s and are working a lot. My best friends have basically abandoned me, and have stopped inviting me out probably because I can’t go out as I’m either working or studying.

I know myself I will never meet anyone else, I don’t go anywhere to meet anyone, and I honestly don’t have the confidence to be with anyone else (I’m overweight, stretch marks from having kids) and I suffer from low self esteem. I also cannot imagine me loving anyone else, I don’t think I’m capable of loving someone else in a romantic way, and the thing is, my ex knows this, he said so to my oldest that I won’t have anyone else in my life.

It just isn’t fair. I wish I hadn’t checked his Facebook, it’s been a punishment seeing those pictures and it’s my own fault. Lesson learned I will never look again.

Hi @Cantfeelmyfingertips
Sorry you're going through this xx
One thing that stood out to me was he said 'you won't have anyone else in your life'. I have had that said to me, i said to myself well we'll see about that, you never know where life takes you and you deserve to be loved. You my lovely are a super woman, doing it all, you depend on no one where is he could never do what you're doing! Continue being the strong woman you are! xx ❤

He’s probably not that happy though, and what he has is apparently precariously hinged on his new relationship. He’s cut ties with his own kids and one already doesn’t want to see him. If she dumps him he’ll lose everything.

You on the other hand are working on a degree, which is amazing (and won’t last forever, so you’ll get your evenings back eventually), and have the love and respect of your children.

Are you studying in person or distance? I study distance but have managed to make lots of friends through student WhatsApp groups where we chat every day and some of us meet up. Is this an option?

Dont believe the happy family photo opportunity- as PP said it’s precarious but also who is he trying to convince?

You are independent and clearly about to achieve something- you shouldn’t put yourself down. It’s tough now but things change
What will your degree lead to?

Be kind to yourself and ignore the FB stuff - it’s never what it appears to be

Goodness, you are well shot of him! Refusing to support his own DC thorough university, how horrible.
You do know that FB is an abomination, no one posts to say their life is boring, it's all just spin. People put up pictures calculated to make others think they are living a great life, but it's superficial nonsense. Just because they were smiling on one minute on one day, doesn't mean everything in the garden is rosy. He's lost the respect of his own children and from the sound of it, his own mother.
You, on the other hand, sound like a woman of depth, character and integrity.

Please don't make a judgement based on FB pictures. A friend of mine has just posted a beautiful picture with the most affectionate ### alongside
I know from what she told me last week that there are terrible things happening in her household. To the point that the police are involved.
I don't know why the hell she's posted this facade, but anyone else seeing it would think her family life is blissful.

OP, your exH sounds like a selfish twat, of whom you’re well rid. It also sounds like you have been the rock of your family for decades, bringing up your boys without proper support from their father. You’re now completing a degree whilst holding down two jobs and helping to finance your youngest DSs education. You’ve actually achieved so much in your life already and whilst it’s clearly really tough atm, by working so hard you’re carving out a much happier and financially stable future. Don’t underestimate yourself, you’re a much more attractive prospect than you think. Try to believe good things can and will happen in future.

Op in the nicest way, you’re holding into resentment and life is not fair view and that will hold you back. He isn’t

maybe he’s really happy, maybe not but that doesn’t matter

yiur adult children will know that sometimes adult relationships work, sometimes they don’t, sometimes people can be shitty. People have affairs- for whole bunch of reasons - but that in itself is not a reason for your children to take sides or not have a relationship with their dad

you are in charge of your life now. Go out when invited sometimes, have people over when you can. Yes you’re working hard to support yourself and your family but don’t become a martyr to it

Let go of resentment and go find your way

What's happening in his life is a) nothing to do with you or who you are and b) something you would only be interested in if your self esteem was already low.

Stop focussing on him. This isn't about him. This is about you looking for ways to put yourself down. Focus on that. Focus on yourself. Why does that happen? Why is your focus elsewhere? Whose life are you designing? Whose life are you responsible for? Whose happiness is your responsibility? There's tonnes of questions you need to investigate, but you're bothering yourself about someone who you're not even in a relationship with any more.

Life isn't fair. Adults understand that, and deal with it. It's time to grow up and stop casting yourself as the victim. Your ex isn't 'doing anything' to you. You're doing it to yourself.

OP, I get it. I totally understand how you feel and it is crap.
Obviously as a grown woman of course you know it's stupid to look at his FB and to focus on his new happy life rather than your own, you don't need people lecturing you on that, but you are only human and anyone would feel the same.
Your kids will value all you are doing for them and will have so much respect for the way you are supporting them and getting on with your life.
Try to see this is a phase in your life, a phase that will end and will lead to better times ahead. Yes, your ex may well be having his moment in the sun right now but yours is yet to come. Xx

I can tell you now from my own life experience that it won’t always be like this.
Life can change very quickly and your studying will reap rewards. Take every opportunity you can to take your life forward. Even the smallest experiences can bring fruitful outcomes. Maybe not immediately but certainly no experience is wasted. Seize the day.

Shut him down. He’s dead wood. Don’t be looking for him on SM. The man you knew doesn’t exist any more.

This is your new life with the kids and I am confident that it won’t always be like this for you. Your day will come. Just keep the faith.

Thank you everyone, I know I should never have looked at his Facebook, it was a moment of madness.

millymollymoomoo my oldest wants a relationships with him, but hardly sees him and his dad hardly calls him. My youngest doesn’t want a relationship with him because of the way he portrayed me whilst I had my suspicions. He told both kids when I had my suspicions that I needed to seek medical help because I was losing the plot and was making all sorts of accusations about him having an affair.
Ive never said anything bad to my children about their dad and I’ve never slagged him off.

Watchkeys. You know I’ve sat and thought about your post, I certainly don’t think of myself as a victim, as the post said I’ve felt like this after I looked at his Facebook and I have said I was stupid for looking at it.

OP I’m so sorry you were betrayed so terribly and that your children haven’t had the support they should have had from their father and you’ve been left to pick up the pieces. That is a lot to get over. FWIW recovery from infidelity is 2-5 years so it’s no surprise you’re still struggling. Infidelity is a trauma, did you get any counselling to support you processing it all? Can you access it through work or the doctor?

It will get better. It just takes time. You’re right about looking at the SM, but you’re only human. But believe you and me when I tell you it’s always carefully curated and he will not change who he is at his core. He’s still showing his best side.

I think it’s wonderful you’re studying and putting your child through uni, you’re formidable, you should be proud of how strong you’re being. Take a breath today and look around and think how much you should be grateful for, that always helps me. Find time to do something you love.

It will get better lovely, it will, it just takes healing time.

Stratocumulus yes I agree, I will never look at his social media again. I don’t know what I was thinking it’s not something I’ve done since we split up.

Susieb2023 I didn’t get any counselling for myself. My youngest started self h after my ex and I split up, so I was too busy concentrating on him to think about myself, that was another thing I had to deal with myself, as ex wasn’t interested.

You can still seek support, you really are still in the middle of your healing and it might help you move forward and find ways to tackle the intrusive thought processes. It sounds as though your healing was stalled while you dealt with your children’s pain.

I know it’s easy for me to say but everything you’re saying about this man makes me think you’re lucky he’s gone. He sounds nasty, just awful. She has not won a prize that’s for sure!!!

Surviving Infidelity has a divorce and separation forum, it’s a super place to vent and has some great posters. It might help to recognise you’re not alone, you’re not bitter or behaving like a ‘victim’ you’re just processing a trauma. You can get some ongoing support there.

A book that I’ve seen recommended is ‘from abandonment to healing’ which has exercises in to help move forward. That could help?!

It's very sad that he doesn't want a proper relationship with his own children and at some point I imagine he may come to regret that.
The way he is living his life is not to be admired or jealous of, he has sacrificed being a good Dad to his kids for his own happiness and they know that.
At the end of the day we all know what is important in life and you are doing everything you can to love and support your kids.
You should be so proud of yourself because I can bet they are proud of you and your strength and dignity.

On a more practical note, look at your time management and see if you can fit in the odd social occasion with friends, even if it's just a coffee or a walk. It will lift your spirits and help you keep going.
I think you are amazing! X

He sounds horrible, mentally cruel, you're well rid, she’s stuck with him. Until he does it again.
It seems the thing to post #perfect life photos when their lives are anything but. Thousands do it every day. Delete everything.
Your degree, maybe a new career can take you far, your sons sound great. That’s down to you, not their father.

Op - I could have written this mate! My ex slept around and made me think I was mad. Then he moved on with one of the flings and I had to watch my dd go to their house every other weekend to the “coolest” dad and “thinnest” girlfriend, meanwhile I was broke, studying and trying to be a single parent.
well I finished my degree - and I made a career , I met my now DH and have more kids - he is still in a relationship with OW but it’s not happy and they split up every other week. My dd eventually got the cut of him and no longer sees him.

bascially what I am saying OP is smile while the storm ranges and hold on tight. When things calm down for you, you’ll be so much happier and you’ll move on with a clear conscience and a bright future. You lose em the way you got em! My ex has cheated on his Ow loads over the years- she took away my hell and now she has to live with it. That’s karma !!

oh and dd is at university and my dh and I are helping her 😀😀 very proud!

He will engage for photos, look as if happy families, and when the second wife is 40, will try to find someone else, cheat again (if there is a young woman with low self esteem interested in a 50 something man), no doubt.

Just because he smiles in photos doesn’t mean he is happy. Or that he is engaging in any meaningful way with her child.

Be honest - would you want to go back to the days of toddlers again? I very much doubt everything in his life is rosy.

Im glad you’re not planning to look at his SM again. Focus on yourself. You sound like you have a great plan, an amazing work ethic and a really solid relationship with the DC. Plus you’re a good person. Those are all things to be proud of

Strangely the happiest families I know rarely if ever post on FB- whereas I know many who are so so, who are on there all the time with their Live, love' life kind of memes --

No its not fair. You are right. Its perfectly normal, justified and reasonable for you to feel as you do.

I think you're amazing.

Can you rethink this in some way?

Imagine posting something on your social media ie you in the middle of a group hug of your adult children. Big happy cheesy grins. Anyone looking at that wouldn’t see the the two jobs, the money troubles, etc. They would just see a strong women surrounded by her loving children.

Your ex can never post that picture. So he does the next best thing. Maybe he’s learned his lesson and realises that he’s lost the opportunity of playing happy families with his own kids. Maybe not.

Whatever happens in the future, you will be the one with the happy family birthdays and christmases. You will be the one to play with the future grandchildren.

There may come a day when he’s old and lonely. There may not.

You have it in your power to make sure you will always have the love and support of your children.

Life is very unfair. It’s something I have huge trouble accepting. So I understand your frustration. Over time those images will fade in their ability to upset you.

At the moment it’s nose the the grindstone, but when you finish your degree I’m sure you’ll start having more time to yourself. I think you have a lot to be proud of.

I can't think of a much worse start to a relationship than being the OW.

Think about it OP.

As for Facebook pictures, I'd be surprised if 10% of the #soblessed is actually real.