It isn’t fair.

[Cantfeelmyfingertips]

I split with my ex just about 2 years ago. We were married for over 30 years (we got married as soon as I turned 18) and we split because he had an affair. There was an awful lot of gaslighting prior to me finding out when I had suspicions, an awful lot of him trying to convince me I was being ridiculous, needing help.

I have emails from him prior to me finding out of him trying to convince me I was the only one he wanted, he would do anything for me, I was his world and why would he cheat when he had me????
Once I did find out he was cheating he asked if we could work it out, but I said no. I confided in his mum when I thought he was cheating, as I have no family of my own, no siblings and once it was all out in the open she even said to me that it was mental cruelty he inflicted on me.

Anyway, I deleted him off social media straight away, but I stupidly for some unknown reason checked his Facebook the other day and I saw pictures of him and OW playing happy families with her little boy, and he looks so so happy, and so does she.
Me on the other hand I’m just getting by, I’m working 2 jobs and trying to study for a degree at this late stage in my life.
He doesn’t bother with our adult children, one wants a relationship with him the other doesn’t, but the pictures of her and her child he looks like he is really engaging with them both, he never ever bothered with our children when they were younger, his own flesh and blood. I once heard his parents and siblings say it was terrible he didn’t bother with his kids, one time his friend said to him in front of me that he should be spending more time with his children (this was when the children were younger).

Why is it fair, that after everything he put me through that he gets to be happy, that they get to be happy, him and her and her child? It just doesn’t seem fair and I’m really struggling in life to pay the mortgage and all the bills, put our youngest through university (my youngest does also work, but he still needs financial help and his dad said he isn’t paying anything toward his education as it’s his choice to go onto university so he stopped all maintenance when he turned 18). My oldest is in a minimum wage job and he does contribute to the house.

I know people say a life lived well is the best revenge, but all I do is work to pay the bills and any spare time I have I study. I do have friends but they have their own life’s and are working a lot. My best friends have basically abandoned me, and have stopped inviting me out probably because I can’t go out as I’m either working or studying.

I know myself I will never meet anyone else, I don’t go anywhere to meet anyone, and I honestly don’t have the confidence to be with anyone else (I’m overweight, stretch marks from having kids) and I suffer from low self esteem. I also cannot imagine me loving anyone else, I don’t think I’m capable of loving someone else in a romantic way, and the thing is, my ex knows this, he said so to my oldest that I won’t have anyone else in my life.

It just isn’t fair. I wish I hadn’t checked his Facebook, it’s been a punishment seeing those pictures and it’s my own fault. Lesson learned I will never look again.

What he thinks, says or does regarding you is utterly irrelevant.

You are successful. So successful. You are there for your dcs. You work hard. You are studying to improve your prospects.

What a woman! You're far more impressive than your ex.

Whether you want to meet someone else or not is up to you. If you do and you feel ready then you'll put yourself out there. If not then that's how you feel and absolutely legitimate.

You come across as someone who is doing well, striving, looking ahead.

Your ex posted a pic on Fakebook and you've taken it as an accurate depiction of his life. I imagine he's around your age and with little kids in his life? He must be knackered. Meanwhile he's not bothered about his own dcs. What a creep.

It is you, op, that is the person I want to emulate. And your dcs will too.

@Cantfeelmyfingertips I can totally empathise with your post. Mine happened 3 years ago, I had my suspicions which were dismissed over and over, he is a narcissist so have been mentally abused for over 21 years. He left in covid, to be with the girl who had told me she was his cousin! In 3 days he left, my son was held on remand and my youngest needed to have an operation. I just went into auto pilot, trying to sort me and the kids, we had to leave the family home as it was his name on the mortgage. I'd paid all the bills but as I hadn't paid into a joint bank account I didn't have a leg to stand on!
I found a new home, got it all set up, made sure the kids were ok, and BAM I hit rock bottom as there was nothing else to focus on. The kids were all good, we had a home, we was all safe, then it was like I was grieving every day. It's been a slow and painful journey, I feel the same as you.... why do they get to have a good life while I'm still heartbroken.
But is there life so perfect? A narc will never change and that's what keeps me going, I wake up and thank her ( in my mind ) for taking the man who's was so cruel, manipulative, abusive, the man who drained me of everything, he's now her problem and I know 1 day she will be in these boat as me!
You sound amazing! Doing a degree, being the stability your children need, along with all the shite of everyday life! You just need to look after you, be kind to yourself, be thankful that you have the rest of your life to be whatever you want without a lying cheating prick sending you round the bend! And don't ever dismiss anyone coming into your life who will love you! No one knows what's around the corner! Keep going queen, you have got this xxxx

I'm sorry OP. But as others have said, the photo won't reflect the reality. It's very easy to make everything look functional and 'happy' in a single photograph. Anyone can do that. He sounds terrible.

I hope you get some self esteem back and of course you can meet someone again!!

He is only doing this for his own self esteem, look at me, look at my family! It's all bollocks! If he was genuinely happy he wouldn't need the validation of other peoples comments!