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Original poster

Blended family and MIL

49 replies

Crazydaze82 · 29/08/2023 14:18

I've been with my DH 5 years. He has SS12, SD10 and SD8 from a previous relationship. I have DD10. We have DS1 together.

We took the children and MIL for the week to Haven. MIL lives 2 hours away from us and has recently lost her husband so we often went to visit/invited her places.

MIL had offered to have the 5 children whilst we went out and celebrated our anniversary. We returned to ...

Apparently, MIL had returned to the caravan to get baby ready for bed leaving the other 4 at the entertainment. The 4 didn't realise MIL had left and went looking for her, when they didn't find her, SS12 took them to the Security Guard. The Security Guard found MIL and told her she should know where her children are at all times. MIL told the Security Guard to send the children home. The children arrived back in twos, when the last two arrived back (the 10yo's) the others were crying and they were all shouted at and sent to bed in tears.

MIL couldn't speak she'd got herself that upset. Kept repeating she'd done nothing wrong. She'd felt the children hadn't listened and the Security Guard had belittled her. Her words she 'tore strips off the children'. I didn't understand what they'd done wrong or why she was so upset, so I asked her to explain. She shouted at me and DH told me to leave it. I went to my room laughing. DH asked MIL what had happened that morning regarding spilt milk, (DD had told me she was blamed for the milk and didn't do it). MIL called her a liar, said DD didn't like her and ignore her. DH joined in saying she often did it to him. MIL calmed down and DH came to bed, he apologised to me for saying what he said.

Next day, we all go for a walk. DH is pushing the children to 'hug nanny as she's so upset about last night'. I kept my distance. DH is carrying baby, so I can carry the pushchair, it wasn't ideal for a pushchair and very hilly, MIL is sniggering at me. We stop for a drink, the children go with DH and I found a bench. MIL comes over and says she thinks the 10yo's owe her an apology (the other two had apologised). I tried to talk, I didn't feel the children had done anything wrong and felt she was the one that should apologise. She walked away and then came back angry saying they'd disrespected her, the Security guard shouldn't have spoken to her like that. The others came out the cafe and she changed saying she should apologise. I walked away I didn't want the animosity in front of the others especially the children.

MIL then shouts across DD is a liar. Bear in mind everyone's present. DH then marches us to the cars, takes the baby seat out of my car. MIL stares at me, it was like she wanted me to punch her. I ask what is her problem. DH screams he's taking his family which myself and DD aren't apart of. They return to the Haven site. Myself and DD disappear for hours. SD10 is texting DD she blames herself and won't ever see her again. We return at 10pm, the children are in bed in their rooms. I say hello to DH and MIL which is ignored. DD goes to her room she shared with SD10 they hug and cry happy tears. DH follows me, he apologises. I can't sleep, I text MIL it's best we stay out of each others way. I thought she was nasty and found her behaviour unacceptable.

The next morning we wake to MIL screaming. No tears just a tantrum. Even when DH spoke and said DD had heard every word, her response was to scream 'she is a liar, what about me!' I lost it, I asked her to stop bullying and belittling my daughter, I told her she was nasty and needed to go home. I did imitate her crying, and took the mick. My DH responded that I need to be sympathetic she'd just lost her husband. (2 years ago) I walked away. She packed her things and I actually went to hug her, she wailed like a 3yo not getting their own way. All too much for me, I laughed and walked away. DH drove her the 2 hours home.

As soon as she went, the tension lifted and we enjoyed the rest of the holiday. SS12 commented how crazy she'd been acting. This was all 4 weeks ago and I've not slept much since. I don't want to experience that again and would like to stay away from MIL. I don't think DH was supportive but also know he was caught in the middle. Since we've been home, DH and MIL haven't spoken, DH shouts and walks away whenever I try to talk about what happened. DD is upset and although I've tried to talk to her, I think DH should talk to her (and MIL but that might make things worse). I can't get my head around it all. I feel I can't go to family gatherings with her there, we used to go at least once a month. DH says he won't go without me and says I should get over it.

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 29/08/2023 14:53

Your MIL sounds really rather immature and could do with a little self-discipline.

She called your daughter a liar and in your position I'd make very little effort in her direction without an apology from her to your daughter.

DH says he won't go without me and says I should get over it.

DH is entitled to visit his mother with or without you but it's up to you whether you "get over it" or not. I suppose, if MIL reaches out with an olive branch you might meet her half way - any sign of that happening? 🌹

Bubop · 29/08/2023 14:59

What a nightmare! It would take a hell of a lot to make me stay with a man who joined in when his batshit mother was cruel to my daughter. I categorically wouldn’t see MIL again.

BoohooWoohoo · 29/08/2023 15:05

Your h should talk and see his mother if he wants. It's his choice not to attend events and he shouldn't be pressuring you to get over it. It's easier for him to overlook her behaviour because chances are, he's grown up with it but it's ridiculous behaviour and damaging to the children.
SS did well to find the security guard and I'm glad that your dd and sd made up.
Your h isn't really being impartial. The fact that he coaxed his kids into an apology because they upset his mum is emotional blackmail at its worst. The kids didn't do anything wrong - one might not have known where MIL was but the fact that 3 of them had no clue makes me believe the kids. He's also being a dick trying to get you to back down. Yanbu to want to talk it out like an adult and find out what he thinks now that the dust has settled a bit but it sounds like he wants you to stick your head in the sand like he does which understandably can't happen.

pikkumyy77 · 29/08/2023 15:17

What a bizarre and horrendous family. You are focusing on the wrong things: your DH is an emotional wreck who abandoned you and your DD and took off with your shared child to punish you for standing up to his mother.

Sit him down and tell him that you will not be part of anything to do with MIL in the future and nor will your shared child. MIL is never to comment on or correct your child (ren) again as she is hysterical, selfish, and unreliable.

As for joint family (dsk etc…) events don’t get involved in helping him keep dsk and MIL involved she will break the sweet tie between your dd snd her siblings if she can.MIL HATES you, if you haven’t fivured it out.

And as for you: try to grow up. Sniggering at her, parodying her, and tolerating your dh’s histrionic behavior are all going to destroy your marriage. Both MIL and DH are emotional toddlers —he learned it from her—read up in best parenting practices and learn to manage DH, at least, until he can learn to manage big emotions and conflict.

Original poster

Crazydaze82 · 29/08/2023 15:37

Wow. Thank you. I've felt like I've being going crazy and have overreacted. I did imitate her which I shouldn't have. I suspect DH has grown up with this and this wasn't a one off.

I just want to take my two and run away from both of them. The us and them was intimidating to say the least. MIL made comments about how our marriage is over and she's to blame during her tantrums: ha I think she hates me! I thought she'd appreciate being invited but guess there's no pleasing some people.

I don't think they'll be an olive branch from her. If there was an apology in the first place maybe but to then continue to upset my DD was too much. She knew exactly what she was doing.

OP posts:

Prettypaisleyslippers · 29/08/2023 15:44

I can’t get over you laughing at her tbh. You both sound awful

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2023 15:48

I would not see his mother again as she is a truly toxic women. Do read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. And yes his mother knew exactly what she was doing here.

Your DH clearly has grown up with such behaviour from her and regards it as normal when it clearly is not. He is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to her. He really does think the sky will fall in on him if she is upset hence his wanting the DC to apologise to her. He is really weak when it comes to his mother and has in addition used the kids as a buffer between he and she. His own inertia too when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you people.

BashCandicoot · 29/08/2023 15:49

I think the children all sound great. The adults however all sound ghastly.

caringcarer · 29/08/2023 16:01

All the adults are bonkers. All the adults need to grow up and set a better example for the DC. If you don't like your MiL don't go on holiday with her.

Rosiem2808 · 29/08/2023 16:05

This is like a script from a family sitcom ( a bad one that is not funny). OP you were out of order taking the mick and it says a lot about you.
Family. It's the key to everything and none of you get it and at the same time are teaching the next generation how not to get it either.

Parky04 · 29/08/2023 16:06

I think the children are more mature than the adults!

Autieangel · 29/08/2023 17:21

She shouldn't have left the children

She shouldn't have shouted at the children

You shouldn't have laughed at her or mimicked her

Your dh shouldn't have shouted and left you and your dd

I would give her a wide berth tbh

RedHelenB · 29/08/2023 17:27

BashCandicoot · 29/08/2023 15:49

I think the children all sound great. The adults however all sound ghastly.

This. Poor kids.

Pumpkindoodles · 29/08/2023 17:40

um what?
you all sound incredibly dramatic and like you’ve all dealt with this terribly to be honest.
MIL sounds like a PITA, just see her less.
dh is your issue. He doesn’t see you or your dd as part of his family? And he took your shared child where you were not welcome?
He also ignored you when you spoke to him
and sided with your mother despite her being horrible for a child
and has shouted at you repeatedly?
but after MIL left it was fine and you all got on fine? I’m confused.

well done dss for looking after the other dc and finding an adult at least. And to them all for sticking together.

Pumpkindoodles · 29/08/2023 17:43

His mother *

LifeIsShambolic · 29/08/2023 18:16

I would have laughed at her too!!
How dare she leave the kids behind without at least making sure they knew exactly where she was....I feel like mn is a parallel universe sometimes.
She caused absolute chaos and unnecessary upset then went on the defensive instead of apologising to the kids. Awful woman.
I would have torn her a new one and taken my children home.

Original poster

Crazydaze82 · 29/08/2023 19:29

Thank you for your comments. I don't know how else I could have reacted. Apart from hitting her. Things could have been a whole lot worse than me laughing and walking away. She wasn't giving up and DH supports her. I'd got an upset DD and that was my concern.

I agree the kids are fab, I still don't understand what they did wrong.

I'm lucky to live so far away from MIL, it's just Christmas and whatever that we now won't do with his extended family. I'll stay away with DD.

The holiday was a lot of money to us and I didn't want DD missing out due to someone else's issues. I'd booked activities and she was excited about meeting the characters etc.

DD's and DH's relationship needs repairing which again I expected more from DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazydaze82 · 29/08/2023 19:31

LifeIsShambolic · 29/08/2023 18:16

Thank you. This is exactly how I feel.

OP posts:

LatteLady · 29/08/2023 19:36

Having read this open mouthed once, I then read it again and wondered if your mil, has a medical issue? I am thinking early days of dementia, and the kerfuffle about leaving some children behind frightened her so she lashed out at everyone. None of her behaviour is normal, so I think you might want to have a chat with your DH as possibly your fil masked it for her.

I am really sorry that your hols have been a tad tainted but am sure you will soon get it back in n track.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2023 19:40

He said you and DD aren’t your family. Ignore MIL, though his defence of her is pathetic, your husband has told you what he really thinks.

How do you propose anything fixes that?

Refusing to discussing it calmly and shouting at you to shut you down is outrageous. It’s not your job to fix that, no wonder you’re not sleeping.

Unless he was awful before this trip you’ve found out what he’s really like. That must be heartbreaking.

How’s your poor daughter now?

Bubop · 29/08/2023 19:41

Crazydaze82 · 29/08/2023 19:29

I agree the kids are fab, I still don't understand what they did wrong.

I'm lucky to live so far away from MIL, it's just Christmas and whatever that we now won't do with his extended family. I'll stay away with DD.

The holiday was a lot of money to us and I didn't want DD missing out due to someone else's issues. I'd booked activities and she was excited about meeting the characters etc.

DD's and DH's relationship needs repairing which again I expected more from DH.

Wait, do you mean that your DH would take your youngest child to MIL’s at Christmas and you and your daughter would go elsewhere/stay at home? That’s madness… if he would really push for this then you’re better off splitting up.

He’s already behaved disgustingly towards you and your daughter. If he suggests this then he obviously cares more about his mum than you, his stepdaughter, and his own child (who he would take away from their mum at Christmas so that he could see his own mother?).

Original poster

Crazydaze82 · 29/08/2023 20:12

LatteLady · 29/08/2023 19:36

I am really sorry that your hols have been a tad tainted but am sure you will soon get it back in n track.

Thank you. Yes this had crossed my mind. Outbursts and staring at me were like she hadn't taken her medication.

But what is most surprising is the lack of communication between MIL and DH since she left. If it was so out of character and it was my mother I'd be quite concerned about her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazydaze82 · 29/08/2023 20:16

I guess the issues with DH I was trying to ignore.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2023 20:19

Your MIL is toxic. Some posters may cite dementia re your MIL but that also shows no real understanding of what dementia is. MIL knew full well what she was doing here. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions, and to date she has unsurprisingly not apologised.

PaintedEgg · 29/08/2023 20:22

im surprised you and your husband didn't end up shouting at her for losing 4 kids - I'd bite her head off for that alone, not even mentioning the rest of her behaviour which was clearly designed to distract everyone from the mess she has made. This is not dementia, this is just a vile person acting out - and what your husband said about "taking his family" and not including you and your daughter is disgusting

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