Blended family and MIL

[Crazydaze82]

I've been with my DH 5 years. He has SS12, SD10 and SD8 from a previous relationship. I have DD10. We have DS1 together.

We took the children and MIL for the week to Haven. MIL lives 2 hours away from us and has recently lost her husband so we often went to visit/invited her places.

MIL had offered to have the 5 children whilst we went out and celebrated our anniversary. We returned to ...

Apparently, MIL had returned to the caravan to get baby ready for bed leaving the other 4 at the entertainment. The 4 didn't realise MIL had left and went looking for her, when they didn't find her, SS12 took them to the Security Guard. The Security Guard found MIL and told her she should know where her children are at all times. MIL told the Security Guard to send the children home. The children arrived back in twos, when the last two arrived back (the 10yo's) the others were crying and they were all shouted at and sent to bed in tears.

MIL couldn't speak she'd got herself that upset. Kept repeating she'd done nothing wrong. She'd felt the children hadn't listened and the Security Guard had belittled her. Her words she 'tore strips off the children'. I didn't understand what they'd done wrong or why she was so upset, so I asked her to explain. She shouted at me and DH told me to leave it. I went to my room laughing. DH asked MIL what had happened that morning regarding spilt milk, (DD had told me she was blamed for the milk and didn't do it). MIL called her a liar, said DD didn't like her and ignore her. DH joined in saying she often did it to him. MIL calmed down and DH came to bed, he apologised to me for saying what he said.

Next day, we all go for a walk. DH is pushing the children to 'hug nanny as she's so upset about last night'. I kept my distance. DH is carrying baby, so I can carry the pushchair, it wasn't ideal for a pushchair and very hilly, MIL is sniggering at me. We stop for a drink, the children go with DH and I found a bench. MIL comes over and says she thinks the 10yo's owe her an apology (the other two had apologised). I tried to talk, I didn't feel the children had done anything wrong and felt she was the one that should apologise. She walked away and then came back angry saying they'd disrespected her, the Security guard shouldn't have spoken to her like that. The others came out the cafe and she changed saying she should apologise. I walked away I didn't want the animosity in front of the others especially the children.

MIL then shouts across DD is a liar. Bear in mind everyone's present. DH then marches us to the cars, takes the baby seat out of my car. MIL stares at me, it was like she wanted me to punch her. I ask what is her problem. DH screams he's taking his family which myself and DD aren't apart of. They return to the Haven site. Myself and DD disappear for hours. SD10 is texting DD she blames herself and won't ever see her again. We return at 10pm, the children are in bed in their rooms. I say hello to DH and MIL which is ignored. DD goes to her room she shared with SD10 they hug and cry happy tears. DH follows me, he apologises. I can't sleep, I text MIL it's best we stay out of each others way. I thought she was nasty and found her behaviour unacceptable.

The next morning we wake to MIL screaming. No tears just a tantrum. Even when DH spoke and said DD had heard every word, her response was to scream 'she is a liar, what about me!' I lost it, I asked her to stop bullying and belittling my daughter, I told her she was nasty and needed to go home. I did imitate her crying, and took the mick. My DH responded that I need to be sympathetic she'd just lost her husband. (2 years ago) I walked away. She packed her things and I actually went to hug her, she wailed like a 3yo not getting their own way. All too much for me, I laughed and walked away. DH drove her the 2 hours home.

As soon as she went, the tension lifted and we enjoyed the rest of the holiday. SS12 commented how crazy she'd been acting. This was all 4 weeks ago and I've not slept much since. I don't want to experience that again and would like to stay away from MIL. I don't think DH was supportive but also know he was caught in the middle. Since we've been home, DH and MIL haven't spoken, DH shouts and walks away whenever I try to talk about what happened. DD is upset and although I've tried to talk to her, I think DH should talk to her (and MIL but that might make things worse). I can't get my head around it all. I feel I can't go to family gatherings with her there, we used to go at least once a month. DH says he won't go without me and says I should get over it.

I think you need to enjoy what is left of the holiday now and sit down with your DH when you get home and have a proper, calm talk with him. Make a list of what you observed and ask if he has noticed the same issues, take as much emotion out of it and just reflect on what you have written. Explain that you are worried about her and that you think as a couple you need to help her and support your DH because this will be a challenging time, whether it medical or just the way it is.

Nobody, nobody, would speak to my DD like your DH and MIL did without invoking cold rage from me. If my DH ever allowed his mum to scream and rant about my child like that I would be gone immediately. If my DH ever told my DD that she was not part of his family I would be gone immediately and have to use every ounce of self-control not to launch at him on my way out.

I’ve not got anything to add except I love how the two ten year olds get on. So often there ends up rivalry between step sisters but they sound really sweet together

What a dreadful situation your daughter has been exposed to.

All the children exposed to such awful behaviour.

I feel particularly sorry for your poor daughter.

How you could look at your husband again after his treatment of your poor child.

He is clearly his awful mothers son.

You need to do better and protect your small child from a man and his mother who would behave like this.

Completely unforgivable.

Forget crazy ass MIL. That’s a red herring.

Your husband said you and DD weren’t part of the family. Your daughter. Your baby.

Then he took everyone else away and left you two.

OMG that alone would divorce. I don’t say that lightly.

I could never gloss over that. That would be a dagger to my heart. I’d go full on mama bear. No one disrespects my cubs like that.

Sounds shit.

I think leaving 5 kids in the care of a recently bereaved woman was probably not wise. And you mentioned that you laughed at her several times when she was upset.

As with all MIL posts I'd like to hear the other side.

But I think you need to clear the air with her if you want your marriage to continue.

Mil had offered to look after these 5 children. She took the baby back to the caravan and the other children had not realised she had left so went looking for her.

MILs husband died two years ago. Op has stated how MIL has acted and Mother in laws side of this would be she playing the victim. Such people do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I think the adults all behaved badly, Its well and good people expecting family connected to blended families will treat all the kids the same, life does not work that way

There's no way I could get past the "I'm taking MY family" comment. What an absolute arsehole.

The MIL lost her husband two years ago, though, so while she’s still grieving, it’s not just happened.

Why did you keep laughing op?

She sounds mentally unwell.

All the adults sound horrific.
MIL was creating drama, she should have clearly communicated to the kids her plans to take the baby back, and then frankly, everything else is batshit crazy.
DH was stirring it, bringing up spilt milk after the security issue, then deserting you and DD, and now dragging it out.
You antagonised the situation by laughing at her, asking her what her problem was and disappearing for hours and then the next day 'taking the mick'. And if this is you describing the situation, I'm assuming its a version you think is showing you in a "good" light! Whatever happened to walking away with dignity?

All of you should be ashamed of the example you're setting the kids. As for continuing the drama, now you're all back home - one of you - and god knows which one is capable of it - needs to act like an adult and initiate a calm adult discussion with the others to close the issue down and decide ground rules for the future.

This!

I think the dc were great. They were concerned so went to the security guard in a group. Smart kids.

I actually think I did really well. I was calm the first night asked what the children had done wrong and why she'd 'tore strips'. I did walk away laughing: not in her face, not even in the same room, I walked away thinking what the hell?! probably shaking my head. I lay in bed listening to them both talking about my daughter, I knew if I could hear them so could all the children. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wasn't going to go to there raging or react to their behaviour, I didn't pack my bags and make a scene, it was late, the children were all in bed.
The next day I expected an apology from both of them to the children. Instead MIL continued. I was quite happy to drive off with my daughter and give them space. Even when she's sniggering at me carrying the pushchair, even when she's calling DD names etc ... I didn't say anything. At the cars, DH is taking the baby seat from mine to his and MIL is staring at me: I did ask her what her problem was and asked her to stop. Once he'd finished, I was able to drive DD away from the situation and give DD attention and loving like she needed.
DD wanted to go back, she didn't want to miss out. Why should she?! The final day, yes I mimicked her, she was that dramatic and I'd had enough! The woman wasn't giving up! She was playing the victim and DH was taken in by it all.

That first night, there needed to be an apology or DH took her home.

I think she made a well-meaning offer to babysit all the kids so you and your dh could go out; she couldn't handle all the kids and made a mistake in leaving 4 at the communal area while she got the baby ready for bed (or in not telling them where she was going); she got yelled at by the security guard and that ALWAYS ends up with the yell-ee being in a terrible mood and feeling supersensitive; and then everything escalated from there.

I think the basic event here was that she was unable to handle looking after all 5 kids by herself.

Then a series of escalating reactions from her, from you, and from your dh, made it irrecoverable.

I think you probably could have de-escalated this early on but I don't know her. I have noticed with my own mum that if she makes a mistake when she's with my kids then she gets very hypersensitive about it and doesn't want to admit it. It's natural. I try to just be very factual and problem-solving about it. Something like 'Oh dear, that must have been so stressful to be yelled at by the guard. Next time it probably would be good to just keep all the kids together even if they want to split up into groups so they can see the fireworks. Thank you so much for babysitting. How about I get the rest of the kids to bed and Dave will make you a nice cup of tea."

Even if she's actually just a terrible person, de-escalating will prevent things getting totally out of control. If you feel she will not ever be a safe babysitter, de-escalating doesn't commit you to letting her babysit again.

Nor me. Laughing at her multiple times and imitating her...how on earth did you think that would help? Would you stand by while your DH laughed at and mocked your mother?

Poor kids.

Thank you. It was all over the Security Guard. I walked away and tried talking to her the next day thinking it would have all calmed down. I just need to keep my distance I can't risk my children being put in that position again.

I laugh when I’m shocked. As in a, “WTF is this?!” sort of reaction. So, I could totally see myself laughing and shaking my head as I walked away, out of a sheer loss of what else to do.

That said, mocking her was ridiculous of you.

At the end of the day, though, she’s not your problem. Your husband is. There’s no way his behaviour didn’t hurt your child. Quit wasting energy on your MIL and deal with your household.

I didn't laugh at her?! I didn't mock her multiple times. If anything it was my DD that suffered, was I expected to stand there whilst MIL name called and belittled her??!

The kids all came out of their rooms cheering when she went. Saying she had over reacted at everything they did: the children have told other little things that MIL made them feel uncomfortable with. The children were certainly happier without her.

I'd like to think this wasn't her normal behaviour, she wasn't feeling well maybe or mental health. I'd like her to apologise to DD. I'd also like DH to sit down with DD. DH doesn't feel he needs to, DH thinks MIL was provoked and is the nicest woman in the world. I don't know her well enough. I've spoken to the children, I thanked the eldest for going to the Security and looking after them, I've told them Nanny is poorly and tried to make excuses for her behaviour. MIL I can keep away from. DH is another matter.

Thank you for commenting. I couldn't get my head around it all, it was a bit too cray cray for me.

I don’t really fault you for bursting out laughing at some of her antics. But the real problem is your DH. I couldn’t live with someone who, having fucked up one marriage and been lucky enough to find a lovely new wife to take on my kids, had the temerity to split the family, take the baby, and abandon my wife for the sake of his mother.

I would read him the riot act and let him know, in no uncertain terms that if he wants to continue having a wife he had better know which side his bread is buttered.

His attitude snd words will destroy your dd—and may well destroy the sense of the five children that they are a family.

This.

Your h told you that you and your dd were not part of his family and left you.

Your h is the real problem here. I would not be able to forgive him for that.

But all the adults sound awful, with the emotional intelligence of a teapot. You all need to take a long hard look at yourselves and how you acted on holiday.

Your dh sounds like he'd benefit from counselling to get over his mother's crap parenting.