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Original poster

My boyfriend has been doing drugs behind my back... again

33 replies

Lunasaph30 · 29/08/2023 13:31

Hi everyone, sorry if this is a little long.

So my boyfriend had issues in the past where he took drugs (cocaine) behind my back. I brought this up as an issue and he would swear he would stop etc. There has happened a few times. He recently started being secretive and staying up late on his own, drinking etc. So I checked his phone (yes I know breach of privacy and all that but I had grounds for suspicion based of previous experiences with him). I found deleted text messages (in the recycling bin of his phone) of him messaging dealers asking for drugs.

There was around 7 instances this month alone (and that's the ones I've managed to find proof on). Meeting dealers at the shop round the corner from my home, at parties, when he visits friends, when he visits his family etc. I haven't brought this up yet but I have saved the proof. He recently got a new job after a long period of unemployment (due to drugs). I thought he had changed but now i don't know what to do. He really does ruin himself with this. Especially when his temper is short when is hungover etc.

It's difficult because I do love him but I know he shouldn't be treating me like this. If he will lie about this, what else will he lie about? I honestly do not think he will change now so how do I come to terms with being alone after being with him for such a long time? And do you guys think I should leave or try tell him to get help? Bear in mind I've tried to tell him I will leave if he does it again previously. I don't want to have massive arguments etc. So would like to to about this in a clever way. I'm at a bit of a loss.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 29/08/2023 13:36

No Matter what you say, drug addicts are always going to choose a fix over everything, even if it means being sneaky about it. If you're that fed up of it I'd just tell him and let him know you're done being lied to. It's really not worth it. Go find someone who is better for you and isn't going to lying 24/7, cuz that's what addicts do.

purplecorkheart · 29/08/2023 13:42

Sorry I would be gone. It sounds like he has a pretty significant problem if he lost his previous job due to drug use etc. What happens if he loses his current job. Who is going to pay for his drugs then or is he going to go into debt with these dealers and they come knocking on your door.

I would guess that he has never stopped taking drugs but more that he has become less careful in hiding it,.

InBedBy10 · 29/08/2023 13:42

Hes not going to change.

You can't help him, he has to want to help himself.

As someone who's been there my only advice is to leave. I spent way to long trying to help someone who didn't want to be helped. Get out before you waste anymore time.

LemonLimeDivine · 29/08/2023 13:45

You deserve better. Get out now.

He won’t change.

DatingDinosaur · 29/08/2023 15:27

Just dump him.

Tell him you know he's doing drugs again and it's not up for discussion. He knows how you feel about it and its a dealbreaker.

He had his chance before and blew it. How many more chances are you going to give him? You know he won't change. He's proved to you he can't.

LHJ21 · 29/08/2023 15:37

What is your situation like?
Have you been together long or have kids?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2023 15:37

Dump him before you get further dragged down by and with him into his pit. You've already told him you would leave if he did this again and now he has done. He will never take you at all seriously if you go back on your own words.

He does not want your help and or support and with kindness you're the girlfriend and so too close to be of any real use in any case.

Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own behaviours. Some of your thinking ( I honestly do not think he will change now so how do I come to terms with being alone after being with him for such a long time?) seems to be the sunk costs fallacy and that basically causes people to make poor relationship decisions i.e. remaining in toxic relationships like the one you're describing. Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship also never works.

I would also suggest counselling for yourself as to why exactly you were drawn to such a type in the first place. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see addiction and or violence within your home and or social circle?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2023 15:40

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavour and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

FartSock5000 · 29/08/2023 16:06

@Lunasaph30 he isn't a recreational user, he is an addict.

Addicts are selfish and he will NEVER put your first. He can't, his addiction means he will always be looking for his next fix.

You need to end it and walk away for good. He isn't going to get better with you by his side. He needs professional help.

The love of a good woman is a fairytale here. You cannot make him get help, accept his addiction and recover. Only he can do that.

Leave now before you end up drowning with him. He will lie, steal and abuse you to get that next hit.

Be smart. The man you fell for is gone now. Only the addict is left wearing his face.

Pinkbonbon · 29/08/2023 16:17

'If he lies about this- What else could he lie about?'

Umm...what's WORSE than being a druggie to lie about? Murdering someone?!

And please don't say cheating.
It's ridiclious the amount of shite some women will tolerate and yet cheating is the deal breaker.

Doing drugs, lying to you about it, sneaking around behind your back, getting involved with nefarious people...perhaps even giving them your address. Honey you've huge problems already without worrying about what else he could be lying about.

You said you'd leave. And rightly so.
Leave. Fast. And never, ever take him back.

Bananalanacake · 29/08/2023 16:20

Does he live with you, how was he paying for drugs, towards the bills when unemployed.

27penny · 29/08/2023 16:33

Eh as a family member of someone who got involved with cocaine use/dealing i can safely say LTB. It has caused untold damage to our family, property cars damaged, significant deterioration of health in family members that were intimidated for money. It is just horrific. I absolutely would have a one strike rule with this, you are asking for trouble by remaining with someone who is using and has previously lost employment because of cocaine use. Leave...like yesterday OP

qazxc · 29/08/2023 16:36

There is no evidence that he wants to change his habits, so unless you can accept his drug habit and whatever it may bring the relationship needs to end.
You don't have to go into why, because then you will get the " I can't believe you went through my phone" , "I will stop ",.... only for him to carry on but hide it better; because addicts only have a chance at stopping when they make the decision to stop.

username0202 · 29/08/2023 16:38

I just wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening to you. I finished with my partner of 3 years 3 weeks ago for the same reason. He did it and lied for a year behind my back racked up £3k debt. Recently after swearing off it blond for two years I found 'banter ' txs to a mate about him using and owing money for it. Said he will do a drugs tests he's not using, it was just banter between friends blah blah
So it highlighted to me how little he thinks of me, that's not love & I will never trust him & be clean for 20 years.
Do yourself a favour and get rid you are worth more.

FOJN · 29/08/2023 16:52

The key word in your thread title is "again".

The length of time you have been together may be a concern wrt how you will deal with the break up but it should not factor in considering if this relationship has a future.

You will cope in the same way everyone else does when a significant relationship ends, there will be tears, sadness, grief and missing the person but little by little you will feel better until one day you will feel grateful that you had the strength and self respect to leave a lying, drug taker and give yourself the opportunity for a better future. The longer you continue the harder it will be because you will have to either tell yourself a lot of lies or believe his lies to think there is still a drug free future for this relationship.

If you don't want a show down then just pack your bags and go or pack his bags and change the locks. There is no argument or negotiation to be had; you told him drugs were a deal breaker and he's continued to take them and lie to you about it. You could plan by making sure you have separated your finances so you do not suddenly find yourself liable for joint bills or debts that he accrues after you have told him the relationship is over. If you live together you will need to sort out having your name taken off the lease or selling the house.

He is a liar who will always prioritise drugs over you. If that were not the case he would not still be taking them. Love yourself enough to chose better.

Patchesofdrizzle · 29/08/2023 23:12

You need to leave - he's repeatedly lying to you, he's not able to hold down a job but must be spending a lot on his habit, so have you been subsiding him?

You told him you would leave if he used again, so if you want to push him to recognise the seriousness of his problem you need to actually leave.

Avatartar · 29/08/2023 23:30

It’s over- he lied to your face- that’s who he is, a drug taking liar - would you be proud to introduce him to someone as my drug taking liar of a partner- nope - save yourself - only he can save him and he’s not interested in that or you

category12 · 29/08/2023 23:37

Man's sure doing a lot of drugs for someone you told you'd leave if he did more drugs.

Themuffintop · 30/08/2023 00:17

Oh FFS don’t be so silly. Throw him in the bin.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/08/2023 00:33

How to go about it? Do you live together?

HowAmYa · 30/08/2023 01:01

So I checked his phone (yes I know breach of privacy and all that but I had grounds for suspicion based of previous experiences with him

This here is enough to know its over. The moment you have to go looking, your trust is gone.
Obviously you were right.
You didn't even need to make this thread. But you had to go through his phone. Look what this relationship had done to you. He will likely use that in his arguments. Dump his ass and respect yourself more.
I wouldn't even bother with getting explanations or confronting. What's the point? He lied. You can't believe anything he says now. Don't put yourself in that position.

Andthereyougo · 30/08/2023 08:35

Addicts lie. Addicts will manipulate, bully, do anything to get what they want. The addiction is always number one in their life. Unfortunately you can get caught up in the drama of the addiction and mistake this for love. You want to save him, make him better, turn him into the perfect boyfriend with a happy ever after. It won’t work.
Walk away, as far as you can and don’t look back.

WandaWonder · 30/08/2023 08:37

No different to an alcoholic saying 'I won't drink again'

muchalover · 30/08/2023 08:38

Drugs are the OW he won't give up.

Realistically you're in a relationship with a drugged version of this man, not the unfiltered version.

You can be second best or you can be single.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 08:47

I would dump him immediately. There are too many instances of him, trying to get hold of drugs. He won't change, just because you want him to. One thing you could do is get him to the point where he is at work and then go. I'm only thinking this because of paying rent etc, but if he can go to his parents house or something like that I would do it immediately