My boyfriend has been doing drugs behind my back... again

[Lunasaph30]

Hi everyone, sorry if this is a little long.

So my boyfriend had issues in the past where he took drugs (cocaine) behind my back. I brought this up as an issue and he would swear he would stop etc. There has happened a few times. He recently started being secretive and staying up late on his own, drinking etc. So I checked his phone (yes I know breach of privacy and all that but I had grounds for suspicion based of previous experiences with him). I found deleted text messages (in the recycling bin of his phone) of him messaging dealers asking for drugs.

There was around 7 instances this month alone (and that's the ones I've managed to find proof on). Meeting dealers at the shop round the corner from my home, at parties, when he visits friends, when he visits his family etc. I haven't brought this up yet but I have saved the proof. He recently got a new job after a long period of unemployment (due to drugs). I thought he had changed but now i don't know what to do. He really does ruin himself with this. Especially when his temper is short when is hungover etc.

It's difficult because I do love him but I know he shouldn't be treating me like this. If he will lie about this, what else will he lie about? I honestly do not think he will change now so how do I come to terms with being alone after being with him for such a long time? And do you guys think I should leave or try tell him to get help? Bear in mind I've tried to tell him I will leave if he does it again previously. I don't want to have massive arguments etc. So would like to to about this in a clever way. I'm at a bit of a loss.

Thanks in advance

End the relationship.

Or you are condoning the death of Olivia Pratt Korbel and all the young usually black men killed in the drugs trade.

He recently got a new job after a long period of unemployment (due to drugs). I thought he had changed but now i don't know what to do.

Why don't you know what to do? Seriously, what is wrong with you that you think you don't know what to do? The obvious answer is staring you right in the face.

He's a weak, selfish, irresponsible liar. He prioritises his drug habit over your security and wellbeing. He clearly has no respect for you or the relationship because you've been through all this before and nothing has changed. You can bet your life he will lose this new job soon as well.

Don't make it your job to get him help. He probably won't want or accept it, or admit that he needs it. Perhaps he's not addicted, perhaps he's just very self-indulgent and incapable of self discipline and feels entitled to do as he likes with no thought to his responsibilities.

You need to leave. Or kick him out, whichever, depending on your living arrangements. If that gives him the wake up call he needs and he admits he does need help, he can ask for the help himself, if he's serious about changing.

Then perhaps, just maybe, he can make a decent boyfriend for somebody else, a year or two down the line. But he's not ever going to make a decent boyfriend to you. He's already set in a pattern of repeatedly lying to you and taking you for granted. There is no respect there. If you confront him he'll lie, deny, then minimise, then he'll turn it all on you with the 'This is who I am. How dare you try to try to change me and stop me having fun. It's controlling. If you can't accept me as I am then you should leave.'

And actually, he's probably right. If a tawdry, sad little coke habit is what he most wants from life, leave him to it. Find someone better.

You do know what to do. You've told him if it happens again you'll leave, and it's happened again.

If you give him another chance, he doesn't have the fear of you leaving to incentivise him to stop, because he already knows you won't. He'll know that there's a whole string of one more chance's so he may as well carry on.

You do know what to do. You've told him if it happens again you'll leave, and it's happened again.

Exactly. If you tell someone what will happen if they do something that upsets you again, you have to mean it, and you have to do it. Hollow threats are a waste of time. People learn after the second and definitely after the third time, that so long as they act sorry each time they are confronted, they don't actually have to change a thing about their behaviour, because there will never be any actual consequences.

That's the same whether you are dealing with badly behaved children or badly behaved partners.

I've been with my partner 15 years we met when we was 15 he started out with weed then I nagged he gave that up and at some point years later I found out he developed an alcohol and cocaine problem this has been going on for years now we have a 4 year old. he dissapears for a day almost every week. money issues I've paid easily 1000s of pounds of his debts off he doesn't work I've left loads of times he will never change unless they want to they won't and every time I get suckered in thinking this time will be different and it never is. honestly walk away amd save yourself your sanity there will be someone out there that will give you everything you want and more that you deserve.

So my partner of 4 years recently started taking cocain in the bath room every time he gose through I can hear him. This only started 3 weeks ago after we had a break for 2 weeks. And now if I say that he's doing that he says I'm mental and that he isn't when I know fine well he is. Now I pretend he isn't doing it even when it's clear as day. He lives with me and we are together all the time. We don't work I am disabled due to an accident. What annoys me the most is he lies to my face an I just accept it. I don't talk to my family or friend about it as in the past I have an was made out to be mad again by him so I look like I'm crazy so I've stopped that. I don't know how he pays for this as I don't see any of his money. But again we live in my flat I pay all the bills and food shop every time. It confuses me that he can do this. It makes me mad that he dose that in the bathroom every 30 mins. What can I do. I know I should be done with him but I'm stuck

He's probably dealing drugs, that's how he can afford it, and he's "cuckooing" you Rainbowdog1. Sorry, but it's absolutely 100% clear that's the true state of things. He doesn't love you - he doesn't care about you at all.

You should tell Social Services or the Police. Do it when he's out. Stay safe and don't be fooled for a second more.

Leave. Leave. Leave.