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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please don’t judge.

45 replies

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 11:50

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for 12 yrs. he doesn’t really show me much attention and puts me down about my weight. I love him so much and don’t want to leave him. Last year I got some attention from a neighbour, this was all done through text. I was silly and sent pictures some thing I totally regret and wish I could turn the clocks back. I went away last weekend and a thought just popped in my head to blurt it out to what I have done. This is all I can think about and now keep thinking I need to tell him but this would ruin to many lives. My anxiety is through the roof and we go away again at the weekend and I don’t want to ruin anything as our son is coming with us aswell. I just feel so down and can’t seem to get it out of my head.

OP posts:

SuperHansBag · 29/08/2023 12:04

No, you don't need to tell him about the thing that happened with the neighbour. Yet. You may do in future.

But, for now, you need to tell him that his lack of attention and mean comments about your weight are getting you down.

You say you love him so much but why? What is it about him, your relationship, the way he makes you feel that you love?

Original poster

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 12:18

What do you mean I may need to tell him
in the future? We do get on he says he’s only doing it for me and is trying to help me. I just want to try and put a line under it and move on but just finding to hard. I don’t want to split peoples lives up.

OP posts:

SuperHansBag · 29/08/2023 12:25

I didn't mean you may need to tell him about the neighbour in future. I meant that you might feel that you want to do so. But your relationship has bigger issues which are more immediate - his lack of attention and his comments about your weight.

You need to tell him that nasty comments about your weight clearly aren't helping so he can stop that now. He's tried that approach and it doesn't work. If he really wants to help you lose weight [which I doubt], make some suggestions for other ways that he can help - join a gym with you, prepare some really healthy meals together, go running together. I very strongly suspect that his desire to help you lose weight will diminish significantly once it involves him actually doing something rather than just making nasty comments.

I also assume he's some kind of Adonis, right, to feel able to make comments about your weight?!

What about the lack of attention? What's his excuse for that?

You say "we do get on". That's quite strange phrasing and doesn't really smack of love, affection and mutual respect. Its the way I'd describe a relationship with a colleague. So, what is it you love so much about him, about your relationship, your time together? In what ways does he enhance your life?

category12 · 29/08/2023 12:32

We do get on he says he’s only doing it for me and is trying to help me.

He's not: he's doing it to make you feel bad about yourself and like you're not good enough. It's not the act of a loving partner, it's the act of one trying to keep you in your place.

It probably makes him feel like you wouldn't feel able to leave him because of low self-esteem, but backfired in that it made you more vulnerable to flattery from someone else.

Make him cutting that shit out a condition to sticking around.

Original poster

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 12:34

I can never tell him about the neighbour as I will ruin to many peoples lives. He says he has to be hard on me as he thinks that’s the only way I will listen. We go for long walks with the dog. I know he cares for me and loves me he just goes about it the wrong way.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 29/08/2023 12:42

No point in telling him. Bit of a risk with a neighbour- sitting on your own doorstep. That's why it plays on your mind in case it comes out. Is your neighbour married? He'd be more likely to keep schtum if that's the case.
If its unlikely on balance that this will come out, just put it in the past and move on. It won't solve anything to spill, in fact it will make your life a whole lot worse.
Meanwhile, if you want to, adopt a healthy lifestyle, but only for yourself if it makes you feel better.
Is your DP is the same size he was 12 years ago? If not, water off a ducks back.

category12 · 29/08/2023 12:44

He says he has to be hard on me as he thinks that’s the only way I will listen.

What is he - your dad? Your sergeant major?

Stop putting up with it. It's not well-intentioned. It's not loving.

SuperHansBag · 29/08/2023 12:46

"He says he has to be hard on me as he thinks that’s the only way I will listen"

What an incredibly patronising lead of shite.

If he genuinely wants to help you lose weight, he could be doing so much more to help you (see my previous post). But he's not. His "help" only extends to making nasty comments about you.

You deserve better than this, OP. And you know it.

Original poster

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 12:47

opentooffers yeah he is married, he’s older then me and he has grandchildren. No he isn’t the same as he was 12 yrs ago. He still makes me get butterflies and I still fancy him. I do need to lose weight but I just find it so hard and if I’m honest lazy. I just feel as though I’m going to lose it. We go on holiday on Thursday and I’m getting myself in such a state over it all. This all happened last year and I’ve just started to think about telling him.

OP posts:

SuperHansBag · 29/08/2023 13:01

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 12:47

You find it hard to lose weight because your DH is slowly chipping away at your confidence, belief and self-esteem to the point where implementing any kind of routine or plan feels pointless.

If he laid off the nasty comments and offered actual help and support, I wonder if you'd feel more motivated, less lazy and actually start seeing the weigh drop off.

You still fancy him and he still gives you butterflies. That's nice but in what ways does he enhance your life aside from your still fancying him?

What exactly is it about your holiday on Thursday that's getting you in a state?

Watchkeys · 29/08/2023 13:10

The reason you're in a state is because nobody has got your back. You have nobody supporting you when things are hard. Nobody coming to your emotional aid when you struggle. Nobody encouraging you that what you're doing is good for your emotional state.

The only person who needs to do these jobs is you. You simply are not listening to your own needs. He bosses you around, and that silences you. It stops you being who you are, and makes you do things in the way he wants you to. The voice inside you that gets silenced is the real you, and you watch, silently, as she is hammered into the ground, over and over again. The sad thing is that she is your heart, your soul, your true self, and she is the part of you that can feel happiness. Until you listen to her and respect her, she will continue to cry out, unheard, louder and louder, and that's what anxiety is: her anguished cries.

What does the voice inside you say, when he's 'hard on you'? Is it angry? Does it scream? Does it cry? Does it tell you that something isn't right?

DatingDinosaur · 29/08/2023 13:11

"he says he’s only doing it for me and is trying to help me."

Unsolicited advice?

My mum does this to me all the time and plays the "but I'm only trying to help" card all the time. Really pisses me off.

No. Don't mention the neighbour.

Original poster

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 13:13

im just panicking that I will lose it and tell him . I just feel so ashamed of myself.

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 29/08/2023 13:16

He says he has to be hard on me as he thinks that’s the only way I will listen.

This is a long way from being a loving relationship or even a normal one.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/08/2023 13:16

It seems that he doesn't actually like you though OP.

Can you list some of the ways he shows you that he does. What does he actually do to show how much he respects and admires you?

DatingDinosaur · 29/08/2023 13:17

Well if that happens, deal with the aftermath at the time.

Pointless worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. You don't know what the outcome will be and even if you did, you can't change it.

What are you accomplishing by worrying about it now, when it hasn't happened?

Raggammuffin · 29/08/2023 13:20

He says what he says hoping you'll be slim, but he knows that insulting you will make you feel bad about yourself. I'd go off somebody who treated me like this. Wouldn't have to wonder what to do next, or say next. It'd just be over, ie, killed by lack of attraction to him.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 29/08/2023 13:24

Subconscious self sabotage is a real thing. You have done something which may damage your relationship because, deep down, you know that it isn't a good or healthy relationship.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 29/08/2023 13:43

So tell him. When he fucks off you’ll be well rid 🤷‍♀️

landbeforegrime · 29/08/2023 13:44

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 13:13

im just panicking that I will lose it and tell him . I just feel so ashamed of myself.

that shame will quite possibly prevent you from improving your self esteem and from motivating you with your weight loss (which is sounds like you want to do but don't have any motivation) so try to stop going there. you need to be ok with yourself and at peace with this. no good will come from telling him - you need to make that decision then you can move on from it, work on understanding why you did it (your partner being particularly unkind is every reason), and that it's not the same as a phyiscal affair. it's a neighbour so that's hard as you will no doubt see him, but you need to accept this happened, that you aren't going to tell your parner and you need to move on and focus on you and your self-esteem. there are too many things holding you back at the moment - can you get a referral from the GP to see if you can get any weightloss support (which in an ideal world would include counselling) so you can get to a better place mentally and physically.

Original poster

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 14:20

Flatwhiteextrahot I don’t want to tell him. I have a son with him and I want to work with him to move to a place where I want to be as a family.

landbeforegrime-thank you for your lovely post. I am seeing a counsellor as I suffer with anxiety and worry about things that I think. I’m anxious as I am going away and I don’t like going on holiday. I can’t just throw 12 yrs down the drain for doing something so stupid.

OP posts:

80s · 29/08/2023 14:48

I’m anxious as I am going away and I don’t like going on holiday.
Then you need to wait until your anxiety is under control again before you do anything you could regret later. Wait until things have calmed down and see what you think about revealing all then, when you're calmer.

Your partner is clearly exacerbating/causing your anxiety and thus making it all the harder for you to change your lifestyle or accept your current weight.

Original poster

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 15:14

i know it’s my anxiety that’s causing. I’ve never thought this before but it just came into my head a few weeks ago and then the thought has just stuck and now I’m making it worse with what if thoughts. I’m working on these but it’s not helping at the minute as I just feel as though I could lose it. I know I can’t tell him but my head is just full of worry.

OP posts:

AbraKedavra · 29/08/2023 15:45

Nobody should ever voluntarily admit to any kind of cheating. People think they're being noble and honest when they do that, but really it's just getting absolution by sticking it to the other party.

You messed up? Don't do it again. And take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. But don't hurt your partner by coming clean.

Original poster

Skyfallen · 29/08/2023 15:59

AbraKedavra ·

Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:

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