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Original poster

Obsessing over his ex wife - how do I stop?

33 replies

GreenFrieda · 28/08/2023 11:06

It’s ridiculous and I am embarrassed to admit

She had an affair 5 years ago and broke up the family unit, hurting him terribly. We have been together for 2 years and he wants to marry me despite never believing he would feel that way again. He has told me the last years of the relationship were unhappy and he is a different and better person now

All sounds good! BUT….I cannot shake this feeling of jealousy about what they had (kids, massive wedding - all the milestones) and how that connects them. We won’t have kids so this is something I can’t do with him. We are early on so haven’t many firsts of our own.

I realise he is with me and this behaviour is unhealthy but I cannot stop obsessively thinking about everything they did. They were together from teenagers until mid thirties so every memory is with or about her. This is coupled with a very friendly coparenting relationship despite her hurting him so badly.

I just don’t feel I measure up and it’s going to kill me and or our relationship which is heartbreaking. I’ve been single a long time and finally found someone who is lovely. It feels like I’m going to ruin a real possibility of happiness

Can anyone help outside or, this is not good/healthy/he’s with you?

OP posts:
AllSewnUp · 28/08/2023 11:29

Don't ruin your chances of making a future full of wonderful memories for the 2 of you, OP. Time moves in one direction, always, and as time goes on the past memories he has of his ex wife will become forever more distant, and tbf it sounds like he's moved on anyway. In 10 years time, think of all the wonderful times you and him will have created. Or not... If you bail...

waterfountain · 28/08/2023 11:46

My ex has a new wife after they had an affair with each other. In my opinion, I felt that she'd got what she wanted.
7 years on, she still has an obsession with me, my kids and our lives (almost spookily so). She didn't get the engagement ring or the wedding. She mails photos of my ex and I back to my house (she doesn't want him to be reminded of me at all) and makes the ex park two blocks away to pick up our kids as she is terrified of me bumping into him.
Don't be that person. It's tiresome for all around you. Enjoy what new memories you are making.

Phleghm · 28/08/2023 11:54

I think I'd take comfort from the friendly coparenting relationship OP. If there was anything between them at all, it would more likely bubble under the surface and cause stress and would make their relationship more difficult. Every single unfaithful man I've known (and fuck, I've known far too many) has gone on about their strings of crazy exes.
I do get where you're coming from- I'm quite the jealous type too- But ultimately, he's choosing to be with you, and to make memories with you from this point on.

CollagenQueen · 28/08/2023 11:59

If you stay together, the more time that goes by, the more these feelings will fade!

I was with my first H for 20 years (from age 17 to 37). First marriage, two kids.

My first H also cheated on me (like your partners wife) and I hate him for it.

I am now almost 54 and have been with my 2nd H for 15 years. We do not have children together.

I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I can't even remember what it was like to be with my first H. It's just so long ago.

All of my recent memories and future plans are with my current DH. We love each other dearly and are making plans for retirement. In 5 years time, I will have been with him for the same length of time as first H, and by the time we die (cheery!) a way lot longer.

I see my first H as a terrible person who cheated on me, and my second H as the man that saved me.

Catlover100 · 28/08/2023 12:01

I find this fascinating because as the ex wife I confess that I am a bit obsessed with the new woman and have as many paranoid feelings as you have OP.

He was unfaithful (not with her) and an all-round git but he has reinvented himself for her. She's much younger than me, no kids, free and easy, super confident, lots of hobbies etc.

I fully understand that my feelings (which I try very hard to keep hidden) are irrational and are about my own menopausal lack of self esteem but you never know she may have her own insecurities about you too.

He is with you, he has chosen you and it sounds like he's a lovely guy so try to enjoy what you have together. You have the future with him so look forward to it and make it the best you can.

Original poster
GreenFrieda · 28/08/2023 12:06

Thank you for your replies. I think my worry is that he still loves her deep down and they are still tightly bonded because they are what each other has always known.

She has a long distance relationship and he doesn’t want to meet their children (there’s 3 so fair enough, it’s a lot to take on!)

Because of her relationship being separate they almost act as if they are still married

I think this is the root of my jealousy

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/08/2023 12:14

The main thing is to recognise them for what they are

negative intrusive thoughts

it’s actually nothing to do with her as a pp said it’s healthy they co parent

but negative throughts like this are a messy thing and you might need some help of it does abate

I’m the same
hate it

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/08/2023 12:15

Because of her relationship being separate they almost act as if they are still married

say more ?

YukoandHiro · 28/08/2023 12:17

You have forgotten the most important bit: she turned out not to be the woman he thought she was. He will never see her the way he once did again. You don't need to compete with a ruined memory. He thinks she's an arsehole.

livinglifetothefull · 28/08/2023 12:35

Are you sure it's not a reverse and he cheated with you you got your man he ruined his family family moved on your now obsessed with ex wife and thinking he still may have feelings for her .

Sorry if it's not true but I kinda read it like that .

Why be obsessed with someone you no nothing about you didn't caused there drama so why be obsessed or am I missing something, 🤔

Original poster
GreenFrieda · 28/08/2023 12:46

@livinglifetothefull not a reverse
yes logos would ask these questions (god knows I do!) which is why this is irrational. I’m a. Wet pragmatic person IRL so this is puzzling, upsetting, embarrassing - debilitating. As @Thisisworsethananticpated said, I hate it

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenFrieda · 28/08/2023 12:48

@Thisisworsethananticpated they act like a family in 2 houses, he does anything and everything to keep his ex wife happy and not rock the boat and risk losing access (not court ordered and all dependent on things being ok)

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 28/08/2023 12:54

The “firsts” they had, especially the wedding, aren’t rings that tie people together. Kids, yes, but the shared experience of having kids doesn’t make a relationship last.

there’s something you need and are lacking, or you would not feel insecure. Can you get away by yourself for a while, just to do some counseling or contemplative work and try to find out what it is that isn’t in place for you?

it might not be time to rush to marry - you need to feel secure and safe. It’s got nothing to do with her, and everything to do with your relationship to yourself, and to him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/08/2023 12:54

GreenFrieda

this changes things a bit

and means that your ‘irrational’ jealousy might have some reasons to it

I’d certainly not rush into marriage and LT agreement if this isn’t sorted

dating after divorce is always tricky let’s face it

but this doesn’t sound like clearly determined boundaries have been set

so how will this work if you actually get married ? How will you fit into this ??

and why will he ‘risk losing acess’

thats Crazy
a mediation or a lawyers letter stops that risk

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/08/2023 12:54

Aren’t *things, not “rings”

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/08/2023 12:56

GreenFrieda · 28/08/2023 12:48

@Thisisworsethananticpated they act like a family in 2 houses, he does anything and everything to keep his ex wife happy and not rock the boat and risk losing access (not court ordered and all dependent on things being ok)

oh - well now, that would explain why you don’t feel safe. You’re not his primary relationship.
I wouldn’t rush to marry. He’s not ready. You don’t deserve to be someone’s second choice.

Aworldofwonder · 28/08/2023 13:12

Hi OP,

I sympathise and can relate. I had some of these feelings too, early on. It was as if she held primary status, silly though that sounds. I never feel remotely like this anymore!

Time generally sorts this out as you strengthen your own bond and build your own traditions. Don't forget that you have your own 'firsts' as he's having experiences with you at a totally different life stage and they mean different things.

Can you tell us more about your lives together?

BanditHeelerismyhero · 28/08/2023 13:19

I hope this helps…

I spilt up with my first husband. He was a really nice kind decent man, and I don’t have a bad word to say about him. All the firsts were with him.

Now married to someone else for ten years. First husband barely crosses my mind. It’s all water under the bridge and the only ‘firsts’ that seem important are the ones with my second / current husband. Even if we talk about weddings with friends etc, I rarely ever think about my first wedding. And if I do, it’s more about my lively granny and grandad and how proud they were. Rather than anything to do with my first husband.

I hope that can provide some perspective and reassurance

Original poster
GreenFrieda · 28/08/2023 13:35

@Aworldofwonder we have our own houses and live an hour apart - we live rurally so this isn’t as far as it might seem. I’ve met the kids who are lovely but it’s very hands off, meeting to do an activity and go home - working towards more, they are all primary age, he is very cautious.

With mortgage rates as they are we won’t be able to get a house for a while so I’m not sure how married life could be. I’m definitely not rushing into it!

OP posts:
Catlover100 · 28/08/2023 13:36

How old are the children?

Because once they hit teenage they can make up their own minds where they want to be and who with which takes away any "power" the ex wife might have over access.

Original poster
GreenFrieda · 28/08/2023 13:38

@BanditHeelerismyhero the thing is he talks about her a lot and when questioned says it’s very hard as everything he has done is with her. For example we met friends for Christmas drinks which is also their wedding anniversary. We were reminiscing and he added to the conversation by talking a lot about his own wedding. It was the subject of conversation but made me feel uneasy

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenFrieda · 28/08/2023 13:46

To add to the madness, I think about our wedding being shit in comparison to theirs (300 guests, castle venue, forest glade vows, umpteen bridesmaids and groomsmen, princess dress) God help me! I’m slowly eating myself whole

Autocorrect above!! I am probably wet but should very pragmatic person and logic not logos!

OP posts:
Catlover100 · 28/08/2023 20:28

Sorry, I think my post asking how old the kids were crossed with yours saying they are primary age.
I can understand why you feel paranoid if he talks about her a lot. I would lay off with the wedding plans and take it more slowly with him. Things will change as the kids age and it sounds like he needs more time to get it all out of his system.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/08/2023 20:47

Well all that big fancy wedding didn't add up to a happy ever after. It sounds like a nightmare and not one you would like to repeat.
However it's very inappropriate for him to be talking about his wedding in company with you there. Sounds like he is lacking in a bit of cop.
Take things slowly and keep your own interests and friends etc going.
Have you met his family: parents/ siblings etc

itsmylife7 · 28/08/2023 22:23

That's disrespectful to discuss his wedding while you were sitting there.

The thing is you'll never have a "first " with him as he's had all of it with his ex.

I think the fact he's always talking about her is not a good sign.

You've got some serious thinking to do OP.