Obsessing over his ex wife - how do I stop?

[GreenFrieda]

It’s ridiculous and I am embarrassed to admit

She had an affair 5 years ago and broke up the family unit, hurting him terribly. We have been together for 2 years and he wants to marry me despite never believing he would feel that way again. He has told me the last years of the relationship were unhappy and he is a different and better person now

All sounds good! BUT….I cannot shake this feeling of jealousy about what they had (kids, massive wedding - all the milestones) and how that connects them. We won’t have kids so this is something I can’t do with him. We are early on so haven’t many firsts of our own.

I realise he is with me and this behaviour is unhealthy but I cannot stop obsessively thinking about everything they did. They were together from teenagers until mid thirties so every memory is with or about her. This is coupled with a very friendly coparenting relationship despite her hurting him so badly.

I just don’t feel I measure up and it’s going to kill me and or our relationship which is heartbreaking. I’ve been single a long time and finally found someone who is lovely. It feels like I’m going to ruin a real possibility of happiness

Can anyone help outside or, this is not good/healthy/he’s with you?

What tosh.

Of course you'll have firsts with him, just the fact its you and not her makes it a first, for a start but also he's not done everything, you just find your own.

Secondly, the fact he's comfortable talking about the wedding could show how meaningless it is now to him. If he had any sort of emotional attachment, he'd hardly be speaking about it to his new partner. You can't pretend it didnt happen, and neither should he have to.

Relationships after marriage take a bit of getting used to. They're not for everyone but can absolutely be worthwhile. Positive Co parenting show a man that's willing to put his kids above his feelings and show an emotional maturity. Communication is key but the marriage ended and traumatically by the sounds of it. Try and value yourself and speak to him about your feelings. Many people can't forgive and affair and that can instantly destroy any feelings of love.

Just talk to him

This is absolutely not the right thread for this question, so apologies in advance.

How can I select relationships as a topic? I get a long list of topics but non related to relationship, I've searched it in the bar too.

The only way I can get on it is by asking a question on someone else's thread.

Any help would be great x

I’m sure there will be plenty of firsts and fact you don’t have children together means lots of adult only breaks etc which will be lovely. Try and enjoy it for what it is and don’t let yourself sabotage happiness based on feelings of jealously for something like a huge wedding that ultimately ended in divorce

My H was married before as well

I don't like it tbh but as time has gone on it gets lesser, it used to really eat me up with jealousy

I have now been married to him for much longer than she was. And we have 2 dc together

But it bothers me that she was the first one he married, the first person that had his kid . Ugh 😑

I do think he's being inconsiderate talking about his first wedding though I'd have to say something

This 💯

it’s great if your dp is parenting well with his ex. He’s left her emotionally in the rear view mirror but is mature enough not to skate her and be a good human being and Dad. He probably feels v different about her in private but he’s grown up enough to keep a lid on it for the greater good (kids).

Can you try and block ex and create new memories with your dp? Take up a new hobby Just the two of you do? You’ve got the rest of your life with him whereas he and his ex met as kids and grew apart. I’ve seen the Eiffel Tower a few times but my favourite memory is of my now DH sweeping me off my feet and kissing me. Firsts done make bests (think of your first time having sex, such a non-event).

Well the next twenty thirty years or so will be memories made with you so think of it that way. It’s great they have a good coparenting relationship. But if you both love each other just go for it. New beginnings.

@GreenFrieda it sounds like your insecurities actually come from the behaviours of your partner. He feeds these insecurities because of how he is. So many men seem to think it’s acceptable to date someone else whilst still having one foot in his past life with the ex wife. We don’t know the ins and outs of the situation though so only you can decide whether you think the boundaries are blurred. In the past I have dated someone who said they were just co-parenting but it became apparent it was more than that so I ended it. I have also dated someone else who co-parented amicably but I could very much tell the difference that they were genuinely just co-parents. I felt secure in that relationship whereas I didn’t with the other one. So listen to your gut on this. If you don’t feel he’s fully over his ex wife then he probably isn’t.

to be honest, with all the context provided, I can see why you're insecure and that insecurity is not unreasonable

both myself and my husband had very long relationships before we got together. He has had a kid with his ex. I was married before.

sure, mentions of exs do appear here and there, but what you're describing is a bit intense. For example, when I mention I have been to an event x years ago, I don't feel inclined to mention my ex going with me and details of his experience. I focus on my experience and relevant details...

your partner sounds like he still has one foot in that relationship and thats not healthy for anyone