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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pissed off

32 replies

NameChange96 · 28/08/2023 10:16

I need some advice from internet strangers who don’t know me but can give it to me straight.

my husband has always been a drinker. We’ve been together 18 years. When we first met we were both single no kids. Liked to go out drinking/partying.

fast forward to now, married, children and mid life. I no longer drink, he still does. Both work full time (although skint every month)

his drinking. Currently daily. Between 6-8 cans of lager. Plus wine on weekends. Ive tried to talk to him about this but it’s impossible. Its almost like its a sore subject now. Gets his back up. He doesn’t think there is a problem but i do. Its too much to be drinking daily if you ask me. He would argue he doesn’t drink daily but he does. Its almost gaslighting?? He does hide his drinking during the week and ive found empty bottles hidden behind sofa/drawers. Its made me lose all respect for him and ive had enough. Im so lonely. He goes off up the garden and drinks with the neighbour who is a retired old chap whose lovely and lives alone now. Thats fine for the neighbour, hes retired. Not for my husband 😣 or he will sit in the bedroom watching a series drinking. it means, i get left to parent alone. Cooking dinners, getting ready for school, bedtimes, any shopping. Last night i didnt get to bed until late as i was sorting washing. By the time i walked into the bedroom i was dead on my feet but the stink of alcohol from him was disgusting. Him lying there snoring like a pig on the bed with no duvet covers on. I just want to cry. How have i ended up in this situation? Washing up piled up downstairs, washing to go away still, im sick of it all!!!!! I might as well be a single parent. I just cant afford to split up, or i can but ill be living month to month on my wage. Help

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange96 · 28/08/2023 10:30

I almost try to cover up his pathetic parenting by stepping up for the kids and doing stuff with them on my own- taking them to clubs/days out all on my own, funding them. I asked him to give one of the kids some money so they could go out with their friends, he had a bad one saying no he couldn’t afford it (so thats left for me to find the money). Always has money for alcohol though. Im so sick to the back teeth of all this

OP posts:
Natty13 · 28/08/2023 10:38

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is insanely damaging for children. You're setting them up for disfunction for the rest of their lives, 50% of the time (at least) in a healthy happy home is way better than 100% of the time around this mess.

I know you sayyou can't afford to leave but it sounds like you cant afford to stay either. Surely you'd have more disposable income without subsidising him? Since you're living off your wage as it is.

Original poster
NameChange96 · 28/08/2023 10:51

i do feel like i pay for the majority. My house would probably be cleaner without him. Its just frustrating when ive got him arguing he should be able to drink and relax as he likes, he works and is an adult. Im moaning for no reason according to him.

I've tried talking to his parents about this too but its like they minimise it. Ive asked if he could move back there which theyve said he could if we did decide to split.

i know its not good for the kids to see and i guess i over compensate for that

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange96 · 28/08/2023 10:56

Just to add, Me and husband do nothing together. We barely speak if im honest. No deep conversations, just surface level like what shopping we need. We dont go out together or with the kids. Its like he lives there but doesn’t engage with us. Unless hes telling the kids off.

its crap and horrible and i want out

OP posts:
BeckyBlue · 28/08/2023 11:08

This is no life for you and the kids.

It's very easy for me to say from a totally different position, but please consider leaving.

For context, my mum was in your place once, and I was the eldest child. The environment was toxic, my mum worked her fingers to the bone and did absolutely everything for us, my dad just existed in the same house. Doing nothing, providing the bare minimum financially (sometimes not even that) and drinking as much as he could get away with. I ended up moving out of 'the home' as soon as I could in my teens, and I think this actually helped my mum to make the break and leave with my siblings.

I'm not saying it was easy, she had to start again from scratch basically, but it turned her life around. The new home was tidy, no arguments, nobody constantly on edge about what state he would end up in.

After only a couple of years, she started going on holiday all over the world (previously my dad would never go anywhere, and there was never any money for it anyway). Her life became so much better and her only regrets now are that she didn't make the move sooner.

Original poster
NameChange96 · 28/08/2023 13:16

I think writing all this down has been really helpful to me in realising how fucking shit this is for me and the kids.

OP posts:
BCBird · 28/08/2023 13:20

OP I really feel for u. The lure of the drink is obviously winning. I hope u can find some peace

Original poster
NameChange96 · 28/08/2023 13:24

I feel so resentful. Drinking has always won looking back.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/08/2023 13:30

Financially would you actually be worse off? Would you receive some benefits as well as CMS off him?

Please don't inflict living with an alcoholic on your DC any longer Flowers

OhComeOnFFS · 28/08/2023 13:32

You can't win in a battle with alcohol, OP. It's ruined your relationship. He can't even give his kids a bit of money because he's prioritised it for his own drinks.

Have you seen what you're entitled to? That's a calculator which will allow you to see where you stand.

HerAvatar · 28/08/2023 13:37

Contact AlAnon (support for the loved ones of alcoholics) OP, they will have seen (and lived) your situation and will be able to support and advise you Flowers

Pixiedust1234 · 28/08/2023 13:47

Would you actually be worse off without him though. You are broke on two wages but what are you funding. How much is on alcohol a week, extra food for him, sports channel on TV? How much extra would you get via child credits etc?

He's an alcoholic. Alcohol comes first and he will become more angry, aggressive and depressed and that's no life for you or the children. Start the divorce proceedings, claim everything you are entitled to and either leave/kick him out. Is it a rental or owned and whose name is on it?

LookItsMeAgain · 28/08/2023 13:56

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Just leaving this here.

jeaux90 · 28/08/2023 14:01

I'm a lone parent and yes it's hard sometimes but way easier than having a dysfunctional relationship and a partner that models bad behaviour and damaging relationship dynamics.

I would honestly think your life would be way more peaceful and better for your kids if you split.

He will either then get help and buck his ideas up or sink even lower. Either way it will be his choice rather than you enabling him and damaging your own life at the same time.

Original poster
NameChange96 · 28/08/2023 18:58

LookItsMeAgain · 28/08/2023 13:56

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Just leaving this here.

Thank you i will take a look

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange96 · 28/08/2023 18:59

OhComeOnFFS · 28/08/2023 13:32

You can't win in a battle with alcohol, OP. It's ruined your relationship. He can't even give his kids a bit of money because he's prioritised it for his own drinks.

Have you seen what you're entitled to? That's a calculator which will allow you to see where you stand.

Wow more than i was expecting!

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange96 · 28/08/2023 19:21

I just dont know how to end things. I know he will be utterly beside himself if when we do split up, but i doubt he will stop drinking, ever.

i have tried to discuss splitting up before and say my bit but its like he doesn’t listen/hear me and carries on as usual.

i do want him to still see the kids, have a nice house etc. i wish him well but for us as a couple its just not working for me anymore

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 28/08/2023 19:26

Please leave- for your children.

Google adult children of alcoholics to see what will happen to them.

Don't force contact with him.

Of course he won't want want you to leave. It's comfortable at home and he can carry on as usual.

His no1 priority is alcohol. He has to stop for himself. You can't cure it or control it.

Themosswidow · 28/08/2023 19:31

Like others said, look up benefits. From what friends on them have said they are pretty generous to working parents. They are designed to reward those who work, and do seem to. Definitely research this fully and then make a decision.

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/08/2023 19:37

Just leave. Whether or not he throws a fit or doesn’t hear you. Take care of you and your children first. He is wasting your lives on his addiction.

Sunandnomoon · 28/08/2023 19:43

He’ll promise you the world when you split. He might even temporarily stop drink once he realises your serious. It won’t last. You think you’ll be worse off financially but you’ll be better off because your money will no longer be earmarked for alcohol. Don’t let this continue to be your children’s idea of a normal home life. Good luck.

yellowflowerss · 28/08/2023 19:51

Growing up with an alcoholic parent stole part of my childhood I'll never get back. My other parent tried to cover it up but it only got worse until it was week longer binges with abusive out bursts, sleepless night and the police attending. It all started with daily drinking for years and denial of it being an issue.

He either gets help or you need to leave. Don't let your children's childhoods be ripped from them like mine was because it will only get worse and you won't be able to shield them from it forever

Pixiedust1234 · 29/08/2023 13:31

. I know he will be utterly beside himself if when we do split up
His feelings are not your responsibility to manage. Be kind, but be firm. He's not been considering your feelings so stop worrying about his.

i have tried to discuss splitting up before and say my bit but its like he doesn’t listen/hear me and carries on as usual.
Well, thats probably because nothing changes. It seems as if you are waiting for him to take charge but why would he? You are asking him to stop drinking or to leave and he doesn't want to do either. So...you need to do it.

I might have missed it. Is the house rented or owned. Whose name is it in. Also go to a solicitor to find out your legal rights. Many will give you 20 minutes for a fixed fee. Consider it an investment in your future.

Original poster
NameChange96 · 29/08/2023 16:20

the house is rented in both our names

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/08/2023 21:17

Why would he split?

He gets to live in a house with everything done to facilitate his drinking.

He's a truly disgusting drunk.

Your poor poor children.

What a childhood they have had witnessing this.

Don't for a second think that they don't know their father is a loser alcoholic and their mother has chosen to stay with him.

I am sorry to be harsh but you all deserve so much better.

He adds nothing to their lives and by staying you are ensuring maximum damage as they bear the scars of a childhood marked by alcoholism.

Who cares how or where he ends up.

Stop putting him ahead of your poor children.

Stop thinking about him.
Put your innocent children first by doing the right thing.

His devastation and tears will only be for himself.

Wake up to the terrible damage you are allowing to happen.

Get him out of your childrens home.