H is verbally abusive towards me every weekend. Is this a tactic?

[BurnToastAgain]

He’s been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having a personality disorder, with traits of a second one. He’s extremely narcissistic, never admits to being in the wrong and is growing increasingly verbally abusive towards me. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted from his nasty comments, constant put downs, rages and accusations that I’m mentally ill and always angry and that I deserve to be hit so I should count myself lucky that he’s not resorted to that yet.

I’m definitely not mentally ill and neither do I have a personality disorder of my own. I know this because the only condition on which he would visit a psychiatrist is that I went to get assessed too. I was quickly discharged because the psychiatrist could find nothing wrong with me.

I found out a few months ago that he was having an emotional affair with a young woman at work and it devastated me. I caught him talking to her on the phone in a sickly sweet voice and promising to meet up soon in a hotel. I’d gone upstairs for a shower, realised we’d run out of shower gel and come downstairs to get some when I heard him whispering sweet nothings on his mobile so I listened behind the door.

I’m currently trying to work out what to do but can anyone tell me if verbally and emotionally abusing me every weekend might mean he’s missing his affair partner because he’s not at work and is taking out his frustration on me? I’m wondering if this constant barrage of abuse is his way of making it certain that I initiate divorce proceedings so that he can play the “victim”? He actively seeks out victim hood in his work life I’ve observed many times.

I’m his second wife. I met him after his divorce. He’d had girlfriends before me. I wasn’t the OW. His story about his first wife was that she ran off with another man and she was evil etc because she divorced him. I suspect I’m now the evil cow or that’s what he’s telling potential wife number three? I’ve been to one divorce solicitor but I wasn’t impressed by her so I think I need to find another. I don’t intend to go down without a fight!

Who cares what his motivations are, this is a hell that you don’t need to continue to stay in. Google your legal rights, initiate divorce online (I did mine mostly with no solicitors) and be done.

stop wondering why a cunt is a cunt and leave him.

His motivation is irrelevant. He's abusing you and you should leave. Just leave. Don't think about what he's thinking and why. Get away from this man.

Who gives a shit why a twat behaves like a twat. Get rid of him and enjoy a happier life twat-free!

You’re clearly intelligent and articulate.
He’s taking you for a fool.
Time to move on OP.
Who needs it?

Honey if someone is diagnosed with a personality disorder and is 'extremely narcissistic' just get the fuck out of there!!! Ruuuuuun.

Just fucking leave him. I beg you.

Thank you for the blunt but true advice. I know I must leave because it’s making me ill staying with him. I feel ground down by the abuse though and my self confidence is at rock bottom. Fortunately, the kids are all adults with children of their own but I still feel that I’m letting them down somehow and I know he badmouths me to one of our daughters because she tells me. She’s growing to despise him I think but I don’t want her to have to take sides.

You need to leave the relationship OP. He's a narcissist and it will not get better

Whatever his motives he’s not going to change. Are there any children involved?
I think you need to leave asap. You can contact Women’s Aid for support.

Op, you know where the door is. Walk out of it straight to a solicitor. The only thing keeping you there is you.

cross posted. Good there are no young children involved.
Leave asap. Part of his bad mouthing is control, to keep you there so he’s got someone to abuse. Sounds mad doesn’t it? Because we're normal, rational people. His treatment of you will only get worse. Can you stay with a friend, relative or one of your children?

It's blatant abuse.

I’m lying in bed now. I took a sleeping pill a while ago because I got hardly any sleep last night due to all his insults going round and round in my head ☹️I think it’s beginning to kick in so please forgive me if I go quiet in a minute!

Why would you even care about whether he’s verbally abusing you and threatening to hit you because he’s possibly missing another woman!?
No need to find out. Just get away from him ASAP!!

And fuck the fight. You can't win a fight with his sort. He'll never stop if he thinks you've 'won'.

Just leave everything to your divorce solicitor, get out and block all contact.

The best revenge is just getting free and living your best life without him. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Your daughter has her own side. If she despises him then who's to say its 'for you'. Maybe she's just recognised he's a cunt. Which would be good because she needs to learn to spot bastards like him and not keep them in her life.

Come on OP, you KNOW what you have to do. A much better life is waiting for you.

Why are you staying OP. You get nothing from this situation. Peace and freedom are priceless

He's a cunt. Who knows why he acts like does? And who cares?

Leave him.

I’m sure I could stay with my eldest daughter if I need to. They’ve got a youngish baby so it might be good for them if they want me to help out. I’m often over there to help with cleaning and babysitting but I might see if I can stay a night or two until I can find somewhere to rent. I’ve not rented for years so I’m not even sure of the current process but I don’t want to impose on my daughter and her husband for long as it’s not fair on them.

Your children can see him for what he is OP, without a doubt. Don't give a thought to letting anyone down because you won't be.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to to get some support?

Gather up all the financial information and get back on to securing that divorce. It'll be the best thing you do, and the start of a whole new life for you. One where you're not being abused all the time. Good luck.

You are deluding yourself if you think your adult kids dont know what he is like.
You need to leave and get a safe calm life away from the man. Who cares what other people think... this is your life and it is flying by.... dont waste any more of it.

It doesn't matter why he says the things he does.

It doesn't matter if he bad mouths you to everyone.

It doesn't matter if he sees himself as a victim.

What matters is you leaving him. Now.

Best thing I’ve ever read.

Who cares what his emotional and/or physiological problems are. You are in a highly abusive relationship and that is all that should be important to you. If a dog is mauling your leg you don't waste time wondering why it's doing that. You kick it as hard as you can and run like hell.