H is verbally abusive towards me every weekend. Is this a tactic?

[BurnToastAgain]

He’s been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having a personality disorder, with traits of a second one. He’s extremely narcissistic, never admits to being in the wrong and is growing increasingly verbally abusive towards me. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted from his nasty comments, constant put downs, rages and accusations that I’m mentally ill and always angry and that I deserve to be hit so I should count myself lucky that he’s not resorted to that yet.

I’m definitely not mentally ill and neither do I have a personality disorder of my own. I know this because the only condition on which he would visit a psychiatrist is that I went to get assessed too. I was quickly discharged because the psychiatrist could find nothing wrong with me.

I found out a few months ago that he was having an emotional affair with a young woman at work and it devastated me. I caught him talking to her on the phone in a sickly sweet voice and promising to meet up soon in a hotel. I’d gone upstairs for a shower, realised we’d run out of shower gel and come downstairs to get some when I heard him whispering sweet nothings on his mobile so I listened behind the door.

I’m currently trying to work out what to do but can anyone tell me if verbally and emotionally abusing me every weekend might mean he’s missing his affair partner because he’s not at work and is taking out his frustration on me? I’m wondering if this constant barrage of abuse is his way of making it certain that I initiate divorce proceedings so that he can play the “victim”? He actively seeks out victim hood in his work life I’ve observed many times.

I’m his second wife. I met him after his divorce. He’d had girlfriends before me. I wasn’t the OW. His story about his first wife was that she ran off with another man and she was evil etc because she divorced him. I suspect I’m now the evil cow or that’s what he’s telling potential wife number three? I’ve been to one divorce solicitor but I wasn’t impressed by her so I think I need to find another. I don’t intend to go down without a fight!

Get advice from a solicitor and get your ducks sorted. No need to rush out. Gather your thoughts and sentimental things

You’re all being really kind and I appreciate it a lot thank you 😊 I’ve told one friend in real life and also my mum. I’ve not actually told either of them the full story of what a pig he is though. I feel ashamed even though I know it’s not my shame to carry.

What a cuntybollox I have a cuntybollox who likes to ignore me when his fucking other women get rid of cuntybollox best thing we can do there are nice men out there fuck him off the cuntyfuckbag p.s ive just told mine I’ll poop on his lawn so he can pick my shit up cuz that’s what his worth lol 😂

I’m going to make myself a cup of tea if he’s not in the kitchen. I have no wish to see or hear him and I’m sleeping in the spare room, where I’ve been for several months since discovering his sordid little affair. I shall try to sleep after that but thanks again for all the no nonsense advice. I’m hoping to wake up angry and determined to make plans to leave tomorrow.

Ha ha, I need some of your anger 🤣

Just leave and be rid of him. There’s a better live out there for you without him.

You do. Channel it into positive action.

You have not failed in this relationship, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. He is the despicable swine who has ruined it all. You have every right to be angry, and to use that anger to motivate yourself.

Great idea to leave and stay with your daughter ASAP. I’m sure she and her H will welcome you with open arms, value your presence and your invaluable support with the baby until you get back on your feet.

Ensure you have access to and take copies of all financial information before you leave.

Yeh be strong me too not worth the anger but it’s all apart of healing ❤️

Definitely start making your exit plan. You deserve emotional safety and peace and you don’t have to live like this. In terms of a divorce you’d only have to highlight all the ways in which he is abusive to you to challenge his presentation as a victim. If you happened to have texts or recordings of his behaviour that would be even better. This wheel is very helpful for considering all the different ways abuse can occur.

she was evil etc because she divorced him.

Oh dear.

Nothing "evil" about a woman who divorces a man who treats her like shit.

It's called self-preservation. Smart woman.

And of course any "mental illness" you have will disappear when you leave him

first get your bank account in your name if it is joint names. quietly collect any documentation you have in the house. you may need a few days or weeks to do this. if you have your own car then keep everything in the boot. go to a solicitor and get your rights regarding house and savings, do not tell him anything till you are ready to go because i would not trust him not to lose his temper and just beat you up. when you are ready just get in car and go. you may need an interdict from court to safeguard yourself. he obviously likes to be the one in control and you will be taking that control away. he wont like that.