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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should i just stay with my cheating husband ??

27 replies

Ilovetheeighties · 27/08/2023 18:55

I found out after Xmas that my husband was having an affair , this is the second affair, first one about 8 yrs ago and that affair was long term . I was devastated and couldn't believe it when i found out again .. I now find myself in the position where he is all sorry saying how i'm stupid to throw everything away.. I'd definitely never trust him again ,but I'm just wondering if I'm just better off staying and just stay in separate beds as I'm doing . Not tell anyone, live off his money ..Is the grass actually greener if i go live on my own with the children. I'm just so confused .We have two teenage children who don't know about the affair.. Neighbours here think he is this great husband and family man and he runs a very successful business..I just hate the thought of all this upheaval and upsetting the children and people will probably judge me too even though i done nothing wrong .. It feels like the dream is over .

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 27/08/2023 19:05

Your children deserve to know what a heel your DH is and no one will think you have done anything wrong. You deserve to be treated better. If you do nothing he gets away with his shoddy behaviour and you are left feeling second best. I would start making plans to leave if I were you.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2023 19:07

how bad financially would you be on your own?

Treepigeon · 27/08/2023 19:07

No. I am not really sure why you are considering staying.

Jackienory · 27/08/2023 19:11

Given time and opportunity and he will make that decision for you so I’d start planning your exit now. It’s shit, I know but best to be prepared.

Ihaveoflate · 27/08/2023 19:14

My husband has had an affair. He knows that if he ever betrayed me again, that would be it.

You are suggesting that you live a lie in a sham relationship. That is not a good blueprint to set for your children's future adult relationships. Staying would be for your benefit, not theirs.

I know that sounds harsh, but I know the damage of growing up in my parents toxic marriage. It has had a huge impact of both me and my sister. My dad's dead now but my relationship with my mother is pretty shallow, in large part due to our upbringing and her decision to stay in that marriage.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/08/2023 19:17

I'm a pragmatist.

Does he own the business? Are you a director?
do you have leverage right now to say you will only stay if he makes you a director and assigns shares to you?

Right now, straight after discovery is your strongest negotiation point. Personally i would consider staying in a sexless marriage with teenagers for a few years. You can leave once they go to uni and in the mean time he is paying into a nice pension pot and house equity is increasing.

Really it comes down to financials because if you can get the right "exot package" ypu can probably buffer your children from most of the horror.
Of you are going to leave and be penniless and destitute because he has skillfully hidden the cash I'd aim.to stay and start finding ways to access it or tie it up in "findable locations" that can be divided upon divorce at a later date.

Ultimately you need 2 things to make your decision:

knowledge about his business
a good solicitor

Specso · 27/08/2023 19:47

They’re always full of apologies and pleading to stay at first which makes you feel the decision of whether to continue in the marriage lies completely with you.

The problem is, the remorseful stage rarely lasts and after a while the cheater often leaves anyway on their own terms. The rug is then pulled from under you for a second time.

I’d arm yourself with all the knowledge you can for what your position would be if you split. Speak to a solicitor (he doesn’t need to know you have) and figure out how your life would be and how you would move forward if a split did happen.

This way whatever you decide or if he decides to leave later on you won’t feel blindsided and will have a plan of action. I know it all sounds very practical and leaves emotion out of it but I honestly think it’s necessarily to be prepared in these situations. You can still work on things if you decide to but with a back up plan in place.

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 27/08/2023 19:56

I personally couldn't be around a man who not only cheated once but twice no matter what my circumstances would be, at least l would have my self respect but if you feel like you can't leave l would be detaching emotionally, physically, mentally etc. I would live life basically like a single person again and not do a single thing for him with regards to cooking and cleaning. As for sleeping with him again, hell no,.it would make my skin crawl.

littlebopeepp234 · 27/08/2023 20:02

Maybe these are only two of the affairs you know of! There may be more.

In regards to living off his money, why do you need to be so dependent on him? Why not be independent and earn your own money. If he cheated not once but twice then he’s going to do it again! At least if you are independent and live off your own money then if he does it again you will be able to leave with your head held high!

Mari9999 · 27/08/2023 20:02

@Ilovetheeighties
You should make the decision that is job best for you. Why would anyone judge you for leaving an unhappy marriage. If your only concern is the loss of finances ANF general public opinion , you could just as well stay. It is unlikely that he will not be unfaithful again, but if you are prepared to cope with his infidelity then why would you leave?

Your children are old enough to make a decision about whom they would want to live. So really it is only you that you need consider in making your decision.

Raggammuffin · 27/08/2023 20:05

I certainly wouldn't judge you for splitting up. But if you're enmeshed financially, I wouldn't judge you for ''staying'' while you say to him, our romantic relationship is obviously over, well, you know that, so I'm going to try and disentangle myself financially, get a job, get used to the idea...

littlebopeepp234 · 27/08/2023 20:05

Is he still seeing this woman while you are still living with him or has he definitely ended it? Or maybe he’s just telling you he’s ended it. I couldn’t stay with someone who cheated on me, it would make me paranoid about his every move and that’s no way to live!

frozendaisy · 27/08/2023 20:06

Would he leave you if you had an affair?

Perhaps suggest an open marriage?
Where you can both get affection elsewhere but keep the financial and housing benefits of being married.

Richmondgal · 27/08/2023 20:09

If you stay for kids or financial reasons i would be seeking an affair

Raggammuffin · 27/08/2023 20:11

I left an abusive man which is totally different but it was for some reason a very difficult decision. He paid for everything.

As your H is not abusive, could you 'leave in stages'. First move in to another room if there is one? Job hunt. Get used to the idea.

One thing I found useful was to run through what I would have to do if I left him. Find a solicitor? Get a new phone? Research property/estage agents, house prices. Practice doing all these things but not quite having to go through with them ''for now''. For now you're just finding a job and moving to another room.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2023 20:12

Negotiate an open marriage and go have some fun of your own. Or are you the one keeping the home fires burning while he dips his wick elsewhere and he wouldn’t agree that you should get the same opportunities ?

GreenClock · 27/08/2023 20:16

Work out your exit strategy with a solicitor and bide your time.

You’ll have to declare all assets upon divorce but I don’t think anyone would criticise you if you squirrelled away some money in the name of a trusted relative or friend in the coming years …..

category12 · 27/08/2023 20:21

How old are your teens?

Would you be planning to stay with him forever like that, or until they leave the nest?

While you're married to him, you're not going to be able to move on and find something better.

Comtesse · 27/08/2023 20:22

Horrible of him to say that you’d be the one throwing it away when he’s been the one having affairs. Any fault is entirely his.

Original poster

Ilovetheeighties · 27/08/2023 20:30

He could well be still with her .I'd never sleep with him again as i just couldn't as all I'd see is his two affair women .. He broke my heart and I'd never take that chance on him again.. Maybe i should just tell the children and everyone else that we're not together anymore .I'm finding it hard to tell people it's over , even though i know in my heart it is . I have suggested that he leave but it seems to be falling on deaf ears ..

OP posts:

littlebopeepp234 · 27/08/2023 20:39

Ilovetheeighties · 27/08/2023 20:30

Is he able to physically leave or is the home also his business address op? In that case it might just be easier for you to take the steps yourself.

How old are your children? Are you scared of their reaction? Or do you just wish for them to be oblivious to what is going on? Surely they must have picked up on something if you’re sleeping in separate beds.

FreeRider · 27/08/2023 20:58

My father cheated on my mother constantly through their marriage. She always 'forgave' him (she never actually did) because she is Catholic, and didn't want to stop being a stay at home mother. My father finally left her 6 months after my younger brother turned 18, for another woman.

My mother thought we would admire/thank her for her 'sacrifice' ... far, far from it. Our childhood was hell because she always put her marriage first and let my father do whatever he wanted. I've been no contact with my father for 34 years and low contact with my mother for 25. I've not actually seen her for 14 years.

Frankly, seeing you say things like 'the dream is over' makes me want to puke. Any 'dream' you may have had about this man was over a long time ago.

MrsFiddle · 27/08/2023 21:00

The choice may be taken out of your hands as he could leave at any time. You need to have a good think about what is important to you here.

Original poster

Ilovetheeighties · 27/08/2023 21:03

So sorry you went through that FreeRider .. What you said makes alot of sence .. I'm going to ask him to leave again as like you said , dream is long over ..Thank you

OP posts:

TheYadaYada · 27/08/2023 21:04

If you’re happy with your arrangement and things are civil, I don’t see much wrong with it. It puts the children as a priority which is the most important thing.

It could get difficult if you both want other relationships in the future.

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