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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Police called after domestic incident

49 replies

E198363 · 27/08/2023 17:21

I have had 2 domestic incidents with my ex resulting in police contacting social services. Both were a closed case, however on the last one they said if it happens again they would have to make a assessment for my 18 month old.

Last night, my ex came around to mine and I stupidly let him through my front door. it resulted in a domestic dispute with the police. He pushed me off my bed and rang the police on me to say I had punched him which I never. The police came around and could see scratches etc on me and made him leave the property and they said social services would have to be contacted as protocol. I think they believed I didn't punch him as he had no marks but I did but obviously I can't say for certain if they believed me

I am so worried about this, can anyone tell me what to expect next via the social services?

My ex won't be allowed back on my property again and I believe he wouldn't come back

OP posts:
Parker231 · 27/08/2023 17:23

I would imagine they would want to assess your DD’s safety when you let your ex into the house when there has already been domestic violence?

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2023 17:25

Work on not letting him in. You know what he is like. Have the police on speed dial and tell him that through the door.

Original poster
E198363 · 27/08/2023 17:25

I can imagine so. I stupidly let him in when he knocked on the door asking to see our child. I just panicked I don't know why I did it

OP posts:
Original poster
E198363 · 27/08/2023 17:28

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2023 17:25

Work on not letting him in. You know what he is like. Have the police on speed dial and tell him that through the door.

Thank you. I really regret doing it as I will always put my child first but now I'm absolutely terrified as I know I made a mistake and I don't know how the social services will respond

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 27/08/2023 17:29

I think you need to change the language you're using - you call it a ‘domestic incident’. In reality, it’s assault. If a stranger came up to you in the street and assaulted you, you’d expect him to be prosecuted.
Social services will support you in keeping your children safe from this man. Work with them!

ladeluge · 27/08/2023 17:33

Can you get a ring type doorbell? That would give you time to gather your thoughts, see who it is and refuse to answer the door to him.

AuntieEsther · 27/08/2023 17:35

Social services aren't to be feared. They may offer to refer you to a domestic abuse service, if they don't offer you should ask. They will want to know that you have learnt not to let him in and probably encourage you to report him to the police and apply for a non molestation order. They will want to know how you can ensure contact is safe and your child isn't exposed to further DV. Do you have a friend or family member who can do handovers?

Original poster
E198363 · 27/08/2023 17:37

ladeluge · 27/08/2023 17:33

Can you get a ring type doorbell? That would give you time to gather your thoughts, see who it is and refuse to answer the door to him.

I have looked into this but I honestly am struggling with money at the moment as it is and he refuses to give me any. I will have to have a look on my next pay date and see if I have wiggle room

OP posts:
Original poster
E198363 · 27/08/2023 17:38

AuntieEsther · 27/08/2023 17:35

Social services aren't to be feared. They may offer to refer you to a domestic abuse service, if they don't offer you should ask. They will want to know that you have learnt not to let him in and probably encourage you to report him to the police and apply for a non molestation order. They will want to know how you can ensure contact is safe and your child isn't exposed to further DV. Do you have a friend or family member who can do handovers?

Thank you. I'm more than happy for them to come around to have a chat as I know my child is loved and cared for. I just hear so many nightmare stories about them. I'm willing to accept any help they offer.

I have close friends that would do a drop off for me if needed, and I also have my dad who could drive if needed.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 27/08/2023 17:44

They’ll want assurances that you’ll put your child before your ex and not allow him back in the house. As this is the third time they’ve been contacted due to domestic violence, I’d imagine they will seriously consider other options to keep your child safe.

MadeForThis · 27/08/2023 17:49

He was in your house and in your bed. Maybe some advice from SS would help.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 27/08/2023 17:51

Apply via CMS for maintenance. If he works he's obliged to pay child support, go directly through them, removes all emotion.

Original poster
E198363 · 27/08/2023 17:55

MadeForThis · 27/08/2023 17:49

He was in your house and in your bed. Maybe some advice from SS would help.

He wasn't in my bed, I was in bed and he pulled me out of the bed

OP posts:
Original poster
E198363 · 27/08/2023 17:55

Loverofoxbowlakes · 27/08/2023 17:51

Apply via CMS for maintenance. If he works he's obliged to pay child support, go directly through them, removes all emotion.

Thank you I'll have a look into this

OP posts:
TheBarbieEffect · 27/08/2023 17:56

E198363 · 27/08/2023 17:55

He wasn't in my bed, I was in bed and he pulled me out of the bed

Show quote history

Why were you in bed?

Duchessofspace · 27/08/2023 17:58

You aren’t telling the truth or you are confused you got up to let him in remember - so how did he pull you off the bed? You must have got out of bed to let him in - no?

Titicacacandle · 27/08/2023 17:58

E198363 · 27/08/2023 17:55

He wasn't in my bed, I was in bed and he pulled me out of the bed

Show quote history

Why did you get into bed with him there?

Tbh you're not keeping your child safe. I hope SS can help you. Stop letting this man back in your house and your bedroom. Put your child first. If he wants contact let him take you to court for supervised access.

IncompleteSenten · 27/08/2023 18:01

So he knocked, you let him in, then you got into bed, at which point he pulled you out of the bed.

Is there a bit missing from that? Why did you get back into bed?

I agree with pp that you need to stop saying domestic incident and say what it is. Assault.

Original poster
E198363 · 27/08/2023 18:03

He was refusing to leave my house so I left him in the living room and went into bed as my child is in the same room as me. It was stupid I know but I didn't want to stand there constantly arguing I thought if I went to bed he would just leave as I wouldn't be engaging with him

OP posts:
Laburnam · 27/08/2023 18:04

Not adding up time to be honest with the situation and realise that SS will act accordingly if need be

IncompleteSenten · 27/08/2023 18:05

Yes it was but at least it's one you won't repeat.

category12 · 27/08/2023 18:06

Have you got a chain on your door? They're cheap to install and would give you time to think.

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2023 18:08

You can’t ignore an assailant and get him to leave. I really think you do need help and support from SS because that line of thinking can get you killed.

Ladybrrrd · 27/08/2023 18:09

There's got to be something in between you letting him and you getting in to bed?!

SS are unlikely to remove children as first step, don't quote me on that. However they are likely to get involved. Your children may be placed on the Child Protection Register, if they're not already - but you should know about it if they are. There are procedures and they will be transparent, but it does require you to do as they say and apply a bit of common sense and risk assess for the sake of your kids. You have placed them at risk.

Apply via CMS as PP has said, communicate through email only if you really must, and for God's sake, don't let him in again. Access should be agreed through the courts, and it sounds as though supervised visits would be best.