Police called after domestic incident

[E198363]

I have had 2 domestic incidents with my ex resulting in police contacting social services. Both were a closed case, however on the last one they said if it happens again they would have to make a assessment for my 18 month old.

Last night, my ex came around to mine and I stupidly let him through my front door. it resulted in a domestic dispute with the police. He pushed me off my bed and rang the police on me to say I had punched him which I never. The police came around and could see scratches etc on me and made him leave the property and they said social services would have to be contacted as protocol. I think they believed I didn't punch him as he had no marks but I did but obviously I can't say for certain if they believed me

I am so worried about this, can anyone tell me what to expect next via the social services?

My ex won't be allowed back on my property again and I believe he wouldn't come back

I've been through this with my ex. I had a visit from social services and at that point I had stopped all his access to the children to protect them. Social we're happy with this and closed the case.

I would advise to not let him into your house, look into getting a non-molestation order against him (it's free), installing doorbell cameras etc. show social that you are doing everything you can to keep your kids safe.

I feel so bad for you, I've been there, it's scary.

Thank you. I know i was stupid for letting him in and even more stupid for going to bed. I have bad anxiety so I sometimes remove myself from situations but this wasn't the best thing to do I know that. I'm terrified of my child being taken away I love him so so much I can't bear to even be away from him for one night. I'm getting ripped to shreds on this thread and I honestly can't explain some of my actions I just know I'll do anything to keep my child safe. I will look into a ring doorbell now and the non molestation order.

I obviously know the social will come over, is there anything I should expect from them? Is it just a chat?

Thank you and glad your out

@E198363 Yes it's just an informal chat about the situation. They just want to make sure the kids are ok and if you take steps to protect yourself and them, all will be ok.

Please don't feel bad for the mistake you made letting him in the house. I assume your whole relationship was abusive so you will probably still feel an element of having to do as he says, such as opening the door.

Just keep in your head that he has no right to be in your house, no right to be near his child with how he is behaving and no right to be anywhere near you. You are in control here. If he keeps banging on the door and won't go away, call the police every single time.

You need to show you're either able to keep your child safe (which you're not doing no offence) or you need to show you understand exactly how damaging it is for your child to be put in that situation and work with them to learn how. Don't minimise, don't brush over it, show them you know you've messed up and want help to fix it for dcs sake.

You bring them in, tell them the truth and take all the advice and help they give. You don't want to lose your son, but you will if you continue to have contact with your Ex who doesn't give a shit about your child.

They're not going to take your child away if you commit to staying apart from your ex. They should try and help you - be honest about what is going on and they might help with security measures and so on. If he wants access, if possible try to get it supervised at a contact centre.

Obviously you need help.
You let a man into your home whilst your child was there, after having 2 previous domestic incidents.

Your child is at risk because of both of your behaviour and SS are doing the right thing by trying to protect your child.

Just engage with them and explain everything.
If over a period of time there have been no more incidents then they’ll back off but if there is another incident then they’ll have to increase their involvement.

If your ex wants to see his child then it needs to be in a contact centre.

You also need to get maintenance, especially if he’s not bothering to see him.

FWIW OP I know if 2 different women who had their children removed because they kept allowing a violent man into their home.
If you do this again they may very possibly do the same to you.

Completely agree with this.

Do not let him have access to your child otherwise social will see that you aren't keeping him safe. Let the court decide what contact is safe.

To be honest, from my experience, he will only get supervised access at a contact centre with his current behaviour.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I agree I was extremely irresponsible letting him in and even getting into bed which is worse. I have anxiety and i just panic. I needed to go to a safe place to calm down. I will be getting a non molestation order and a ring doorbell. I'll also fully cooperate with the social services. Thanks again everyone

Keep strong.

You could also get support from Women's Aid. I found them so helpful and supportive.

Thank you, ill contact them

I just know I'll do anything to keep my child safe

But that’s not true, because you haven’t done.

She is trying. It's important to look forward and make sure the same thing doesn't happen again.

Tell SS what you've told us.

You're very honest that it was a mistake. One you won't repeat and one you want support with.

The fact you walked away from him when he was being aggressive and went to a room with your child in won't look bad. It shows you don't want to engage with his behaviour.

Ask them about assessments for contact, safe contact, advice on claiming via CMS etc. ask them about if you need to allow contact with DD due to his violence. Ask about the freedom programme.

SS won't take a child away unless it's a last resort. But they'll need evidence that you can keep her safe. I believe you can. I believe you have the strength. You need to believe it.

Could SS pay for someone to fit a ring doorbell and a safety chain?

Ask them because it demonstrates your commitment to avoid this situation in the future.

Hope you're ok op? I'm sorry you have experienced this abuse.

No.
They are given no money for this kind of thing.

Signing up to a Domestic Abuse Program should be free OP and shows that you are taking concerns seriously.

Thank you very much. I've just contacted women's aid to ask for some advice regarding the contact. As I don't want any direct contact with him myself. I suffer with anxiety so I tend to go into other rooms when conflict is arising but I shouldn't have let him in in the first place. I'm praying social services will be understanding and I'm willing to take any support they have and do anything they need me to

Thank you, I'll look up domestic abuse programmes now. I have contacted women's aid for advice also

Women's Aid is a good idea they often have physical and virtual programs as well.

Practice locking him out. Get multiple bolts and practice throwing them. Make a game if it. Plan to do it. Next time he comes you will be very practiced at not opening the door.

Yielding to your abuser is a PTSD/trauma response—it is freeze/ collapse and submit (freeze and fawn). It is a successful strategy for children and small animals but it is not a successful strategy for you now.

Tell SS you need help, take the help, and practice making yourself and your home a hardened target. Bar that door!

I can understand why you went to your bedroom if he was argumentative, refusing to leave. My instinct with my abusive ex was to get somewhere I thought was safe.
Youbsay you don’t think he’ll return but please, please be aware that he probably will. Abusive men will keep pushing and pushing where they think your weakness lies.
Keep talking with Women’s Aid, keep a list of everything you’re doing to get yourself in a stronger position and protect your child. Work with SS, you can show them what you’re doing, what you have planned. Stay strong.

Going into your room was a trauma response. You panicked. Essentially you were trying to hide with your DC.
You've done exactly the right thing in calling Women's Aid.
Explain everything you've said on here to SS . That you're really frightened of him. That you do not want him in the house and you do not want him having unsupervised contact with DC. And that you want help to keep him away. I'm not in the UK any more, but I imagine Women's Aid can you tell you the process of applying for some kind of non mol order. And tell SS that's what you want.
Have the police not raised anything like that with you already? Given it's their third call they bloody should have.

You’ve clearly been out of bed to let him into the house so he could „see his child“ and then you went back to bed and left him in the property?

I think some SS advice on safeguarding yourself and your child is badly needed.

And people wonder why the police don't have time to attend burglaries. Don't let him in, it sounds like he should have supervised visits via a contact centre.