What's up with my parents? Should I just accept it and move on?

[oisac]

I'm really worried about my parents. They've recently retired, and seem to have gone into some kind of depressive slump over the last few years. Dad lies in bed most of the day watching TV and goes to sleep around 7pm. Mum claims that she's super active/busy, but whenever you turn up at the house, she's sat on the sofa in the dark and has clearly just woken up.

A lot of the time we visit, Dad doesn't even bother to come downstairs. If he gets out of bed, he goes straight to his laptop, browses Facebook for a while, then goes back to bed.

Hospitality is almost non existent. Whenever we go round there, the cupboards and fridge are almost completely bare. Mum claims they 'need to go shopping', but she says this every week and we always go round at the same time. They have no shortage of money. I have a cup of tea, and my partner and daughter (12yo) don't drink tea or coffee, so they just sit there without a drink unless they get a glass of water. This happens almost every single time we go round, so we've got to the point that when we visit, we take our own food and drink in a cool bag. I'm not saying I'm expecting to be seated down for a 3 course meal, but in our house we always have some basics in for when guests come round. Ironically, if my parents visit us (which is very rare) they always expect we have things in (which we do for guests, which I think is pretty normal).

Dad had a brain aneurysm about a decade ago, and was forced to give up his job. He used to just sit around fishing after that, but has even given that up and now lies in bed. I don't think my parents get on any more and Dad sleeps in a separate room. Mum has a part time voluntary job which I suspect is to get away from Dad for a few hours a day and keep her sanity.

It's like my parents have just given up on life and just sit around. They don't spend any money on anything, and hoard it all over the house. It's gotten to the point now where my partner and my daughter don't want to visit, as we come away feeling quite depressed.

We've been on a few holidays with them in recent years. We've now stopped doing this as Mum just insults Dad for a while and he goes to bed. Then she gets drunk and wakes up with a massive hangover, and the cycle starts again. On holiday, they turn into children, and have to be chaperoned and managed, and can't make decisions. So they end up following us around everywhere and complaining they don't want to be there. We've stopped going on any breaks with them now, but Mum always looks at the holidays through rose tinted specs and says how great they were, and how she can't wait to do more. I keep saying to my partner that we should invite them again and give them another chance, but my partner understandably doesn't want them on holiday with us. So I just avoid the holiday subject now. We even have to keep our holiday plans a secret now as they have a habit of turning up uninvited.

There are obviously underlying issues here and I'm just concerned and really want to help. But if I speak to Dad, he just laughs and changes the subject, or goes to bed. If I talk to Mum about it she gets angry and blames Dad. She's always been a person who has little self awareness and won't accept any kind of feedback, she just blames other people (especially Dad). I've given up trying to discuss it with them now and have just accepted the situation. But it's got to the point where my partner and daughter don't want to go to their house any more. I have to say I'm pretty much in agreement with them. I have siblings and they all feel similar, they visit occasionally for 'maintenance' and their partners do their very best to avoid my parents.

Where do I go with this? Should I try to help, or just accept the fact that they've given up on life and just want to sit around? Is it something we're doing wrong? Happy to take feedback!

The main thing that winds me up is the whole 'nothing in the cupboards' bit. If we visit my in-laws, they make a real fuss of visitors and offer drinks, food, suggest going out for a meal etc. It's a totally different experience. I couldn't imagine my in-laws going to bed or lying around asleep all day. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from my parents, but at the very least I would have thought they could have a soft drink if for my partner & daughter as we visit the same time every week :) It feels like when we visit, it's a inconvenience.

Should I try to do something, or just accept it and move on? Do I keep going round for 'maintenance' like my siblings? Or do I try to improve the situation? Is this just normal for some parent/child relationships? Being honest, if they were my friends, I wouldn't bother with them any more!

Thanks for listening and welcome any feedback.

They both sound very deeply depressed and your mum is possibly alcoholic. It must be awful for you. To be honest there is really nothing you can do. The best thing for you and your family is to focus on yourselves. Don’t book holidays with them . Don’t go round. Can you invite them to your house for a meal occasionally instead? It can be good for your children to be seeing them like this either.

Sorry I couldn't read all that but what I picked up in the beginning is please take your mum out somewhere (or even to your own home) for a private heart to heart chat. I'm guessing your DFs behaviour is affecting how your mother lives and she is struggling. Who controls the money for bills and food? Is your mother "allowed" to buy food?

"There are obviously underlying issues here and I'm just concerned and really want to help"

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped I am sorry to say and I note your siblings are just doing "maintenance" visits. You will ultimately have to do the same with you leaving your own family at home. It could be worth while for you as siblings to contact your parents council's adult social services dept to request an assessment of their care needs.

Unless your parents want to address their issues there is nothing anyone can do to help them. You would not tolerate this from a friend, your parents are no different.

You could be writing about my mum’s friend. As above , depression and alcohol. She slowly withdrew from life, relationships and family. It was an absolute tragedy. Her sons coped by withdrawing but my mum was still there for her. All I can say is do what is right for you. My mum has no regrets looking back, just sadness how things turned out after a friendship of over 40 years.

And just to add, my mum’s friend’s issues started to emerge through being in bed during the day and having always adored her grandchildren, the little things that didn’t prioritise their needs. Could anyone have done something to stop the decline? I’m not sure, to be honest. Ultimately she didn’t or couldn’t help herself.

This is really sad OP. I can understand why you're upset. Can you suggest meeting them somewhere rather than their home, to at least get them out and about a bit?

I think some people become so obsessed with the idea of retirement, they don’t plan what they are actually going to do. My PIL were similar. They talked about nothing else for decades and then when it happened, did absolutely nothing with their time. MIL also talked about being ‘busy’ but they just watched TV and napped and still went food shopping on a Saturday afternoon and that was it. No trips, no days out. MIL had zero hobbies and FIL did one thing for a few hours a week.

We’re they active when they worked or was that their only activity?

There’s almost palpable depression in the scenes you have described. Are they on any medication/have health conditions that needs reviewing?
It sounds really difficult, and embarrassing for you to keep trying to be a loyal daughter but balance that with how your partner and daughter feel. Not to mention how you feel!
Do you have the sort of relationship where you could take your mum and/or dad aside and say you’re worried about how they’re living, e.g lack of food, always sitting in the dark or in bed, seem to have lost touch with basic hosting skills.
How old are they OP? Are they losing weight? Any memory issues? Tearfulness? Other odd behaviours?

Op, it does sound like your parents are depressed.
do you ever suggest going out or meeting outside? Shops? Park? Walk? Beach?lunch?
can you take food/ refreshments? To eat together?

does mum drink while you are there?

have you discussed with them how they feel? What they want to do?

antidepressants can have a hugely positive impact on someone so might be worth encouraging a gp appointment

appreciate it’s a tough situation

How old are they OP? That sounds so very hard, totally depressing and get why your partner and child don't want to visit let alone holiday with them. Hugs x

So they both sound deeply depressed and miserable yet "The main thing that winds me up is the whole 'nothing in the cupboards' bit."

So having a drink and a biscuit when you turn up is what REALLY bothers you about all this? Right.

I'm struck that your Dad had a brain injury and had to stop work then. How much rehab did he get then? Did his personality change? It can be incredibly hard to live with, do you think your Mum is self medicating with alcohol?

Do you think he would talk to Headway? They are a private company now rather than a charity but they work with people who have had a head injury. Local branches have different services but around here there are 'brain buddies' who will support people to go out and do things they like to do, including things like helping them come up with ideas on what they would like. Do you think something like that would be an option?

I think I would go and see your parents on your own and express some of your worries. But ultimately there may not be a lot you can go for adults who won't admit a problem.

“I'm struck that your Dad had a brain injury and had to stop work then. How much rehab did he get then? Did his personality change? It can be incredibly hard to live with, do you think your Mum is self medicating with alcohol?”

This.

And agree with PP - they sound depressed and very stuck. Go on your own, share your concerns and try and get them out. Could you take them shopping?

Is your father scared he may suffer another aneurysm if he exerts himself? I don’t think that’s how brain injuries work but he may have trauma around it. Has this been addressed?

Yeah, this.

Further isolation is not going to help them. Accept that they are past the stage of being able to do things for you - they are the ones in need. Don't compare them to your in-laws. And don't compare the situation to if they were friends of yours - they're not friends, they are the people who raised you.

It seems clear your mum craves time with you and your child. Perhaps she feels frustrated with herself when she is clearly unable to play the part of the jolly, active grandma. It's understandable how this is difficult and disappointing for you... And I imagine she is aware of your disappointment on some level, and tries to put up a front.

Don't go there expecting a biscuit and a good time. Go there even if it's with no further aim than to chat about whatever, let your mum talk about whatever pops into her head, do a bit of a gentle activity with her like help with the gardening or show her something you've been working on... The contact will be good for them. Call it maintenance, sure. Maybe bit by bit your mum will open up and be willing to receive proper support (e.g. see a doctor).

Go alone, so you're not distracted by the worry of your partner and child being dragged down or bored.

This is unfashionable on MN, but given you've said nothing to indicate that they are abusive or anything like that, I do think this is the duty of an adult child.

What were they like when they were younger? What were they like as parents?

Could you offer practical help? If there’s no food when you call, what are they actually eating? Can you meet your mum for a coffee and take her to the shops? It sounds like they will just get worse if they haven’t got their act together to even buy food or drink.

@Ohyesreally well done for spectacularly missing all the other concerning observations made by the OP. It must be breezy up there on your high horse.

A friend of mine had a mother like this. The mother was widowed, but every time she went round there was no food in the place . I think it’s common for many older people to stop eating properly and become very passive. I think the key is to meet them outside somewhere. Or your mother alone. Don’t inflict this on your partner and child. It might be easier for them to talk to you and open up if you go alone. Also they will be getting out of their environment and don’t have the pressure to host. Even making a cup of tea can be hard when you feel depressed.

Well it'd be pointless to just echo the obvious wouldn't it? I'm commenting that the priority of their feelings doesn't feel right and that's something else they need to consider. All those issues and it boils down to me, me, me. We are depressed when we leave. We aren't given a drink.

If you’re going to keep visiting, go on your own.

Thanks for the helpful replies.😊

To answer a few questions:
Age: they are mid to late 60s, not long retired
Upbringing: no family/abuse issues, very loving parents
Money: Dad isn't controlling with money or anything like that, I suspect it's more that they just live on the odd sandwich now so don't bother buying much.

I think Dad was always a person that didn't want to do much (activity wise) with family. Since brain issue, definitely got worse.

The comment about feeling too depressed to even make tea struck a chord. TBH this is why I've been taking down our own stuff. Maybe I'll just start making the tea when I get there.

I've tried to talk to both of them alone. Dad just laughs and changes subject, Mum blames Dad and gets upset. So it always ends up in a dead end. I suggested family counselling but they've got no interest in going, so that was also a dead end. I've tried suggesting the counselling a few times now. Hence I guess why I'm here.

To the "me, me, me" comment - I invited them to come on 2 very expensive transatlantic holidays because I felt sorry for them and thought it would do them good. I spent both holidays running round after them and listening to them argue and complain, totally ruined both trips. Paid for a their accommodation to come on a big birthday; same, just bickered all week and ruined it. Invited them to countless meals with partner where Mum will snipe at Dad in public. I've bent over backwards to accommodate them and even paid for little weekend trips for them. So now, emotion-wise, I've become switched off to the major stuff and started to get annoyed at basic stuff, which didn't bother me before. I mean, is it too much to ask for them to have a can of coke in the fridge for their granddaughter, as we come down the same day/time every week? Or perhaps for Dad to come down from the bedroom and socialise for 30 minutes?

It's always the last straw that breaks the camel's back. 😊

I am really just wanting to help rather than what my siblings have done, which is write them off and avoid/do the odd maintenance visit minus partners and kids.

Now and again I do a glimpse of what they used to be like. But it's 95 percent the other way now and I feel like I've lost them.

Thanks for all the great advice so far. Maybe I will have a further chat with Mum alone, as Dad just isn't interested. And I agree, I will start going on my own rather than putting partner and daughter through it every week.

Thanks all😊

OP, I wonder if the true problem is the relationship between your parents. It sounds like they don't enjoy being with each other any more, and with your dad not working and neither having significant social lives or hobbies they're trapped with each other being miserable.

I'm not sure what you can do, if anything. Do either of your parents ever act lovingly towards the other? Is there something left that they can rekindle? Or is it all just avoidance, resentment and bitterness?

It sounds like your Dad is avoiding your mum because she’s constantly on his case, so he retreats to his room or sleeps. Classic depression. Your mother is bling your father because she is angry and depressed and doesn’t know what to do. They are in a tunnel where they don’t see how their behaviour is affecting the family as a whole. You can’t make them go to counselling or confront t their problems. They need to face up to what is going on for themselves. No amount of trying to make them change or ruining your own holidays will change their own mindset. They need to wake up and the coffee. So they have any friends?
Having a drink in the fridge is really not the problem. They just aren’t functioning.

Yeah this. Mine are the same. Drinking, sleeping a lot, not really going anywhere or doing anything. Once in a while they get the wooden spoon out and send a few shit stirring messages to family to provoke a fight, because the drama will keep them entertained for a few days. I don’t know what to suggest really, I’ve tried every approach and nothing has worked.