I'm really worried about my parents. They've recently retired, and seem to have gone into some kind of depressive slump over the last few years. Dad lies in bed most of the day watching TV and goes to sleep around 7pm. Mum claims that she's super active/busy, but whenever you turn up at the house, she's sat on the sofa in the dark and has clearly just woken up.
A lot of the time we visit, Dad doesn't even bother to come downstairs. If he gets out of bed, he goes straight to his laptop, browses Facebook for a while, then goes back to bed.
Hospitality is almost non existent. Whenever we go round there, the cupboards and fridge are almost completely bare. Mum claims they 'need to go shopping', but she says this every week and we always go round at the same time. They have no shortage of money. I have a cup of tea, and my partner and daughter (12yo) don't drink tea or coffee, so they just sit there without a drink unless they get a glass of water. This happens almost every single time we go round, so we've got to the point that when we visit, we take our own food and drink in a cool bag. I'm not saying I'm expecting to be seated down for a 3 course meal, but in our house we always have some basics in for when guests come round. Ironically, if my parents visit us (which is very rare) they always expect we have things in (which we do for guests, which I think is pretty normal).
Dad had a brain aneurysm about a decade ago, and was forced to give up his job. He used to just sit around fishing after that, but has even given that up and now lies in bed. I don't think my parents get on any more and Dad sleeps in a separate room. Mum has a part time voluntary job which I suspect is to get away from Dad for a few hours a day and keep her sanity.
It's like my parents have just given up on life and just sit around. They don't spend any money on anything, and hoard it all over the house. It's gotten to the point now where my partner and my daughter don't want to visit, as we come away feeling quite depressed.
We've been on a few holidays with them in recent years. We've now stopped doing this as Mum just insults Dad for a while and he goes to bed. Then she gets drunk and wakes up with a massive hangover, and the cycle starts again. On holiday, they turn into children, and have to be chaperoned and managed, and can't make decisions. So they end up following us around everywhere and complaining they don't want to be there. We've stopped going on any breaks with them now, but Mum always looks at the holidays through rose tinted specs and says how great they were, and how she can't wait to do more. I keep saying to my partner that we should invite them again and give them another chance, but my partner understandably doesn't want them on holiday with us. So I just avoid the holiday subject now. We even have to keep our holiday plans a secret now as they have a habit of turning up uninvited.
There are obviously underlying issues here and I'm just concerned and really want to help. But if I speak to Dad, he just laughs and changes the subject, or goes to bed. If I talk to Mum about it she gets angry and blames Dad. She's always been a person who has little self awareness and won't accept any kind of feedback, she just blames other people (especially Dad). I've given up trying to discuss it with them now and have just accepted the situation. But it's got to the point where my partner and daughter don't want to go to their house any more. I have to say I'm pretty much in agreement with them. I have siblings and they all feel similar, they visit occasionally for 'maintenance' and their partners do their very best to avoid my parents.
Where do I go with this? Should I try to help, or just accept the fact that they've given up on life and just want to sit around? Is it something we're doing wrong? Happy to take feedback!
The main thing that winds me up is the whole 'nothing in the cupboards' bit. If we visit my in-laws, they make a real fuss of visitors and offer drinks, food, suggest going out for a meal etc. It's a totally different experience. I couldn't imagine my in-laws going to bed or lying around asleep all day. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from my parents, but at the very least I would have thought they could have a soft drink if for my partner & daughter as we visit the same time every week :) It feels like when we visit, it's a inconvenience.
Should I try to do something, or just accept it and move on? Do I keep going round for 'maintenance' like my siblings? Or do I try to improve the situation? Is this just normal for some parent/child relationships? Being honest, if they were my friends, I wouldn't bother with them any more!
Thanks for listening and welcome any feedback.