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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband is seeking affair

50 replies

adviceforworriedwife · 01/03/2008 10:57

I've just found out the above. I'm a regular but have namechange for this and you'll see why.

A few months on dh's history I noticed he'd looked at a site called maritalaffair.co.uk. I was horrified and asked him about it. His response was that he'd used one of his email accounts at an internet cafe and that someone was using it to register for this site. I didn't like it but accepted this because I thought that we generally had a good marriage. While I was on his computer today an email came in from a woman who was accessing him from this site and attached was his login details. I've had a look and it seems that whilst he's only signed up for the basic membership that he's put his profile on the site so I know it's definitely him and no-one else and also made some quite unpleasant comments about the state of our marriage to explain why he was looking for an affair. I'm sitting here in disbelief. He's had loads of emails sent through but his sent box is empty. I don't know whether that's just because he's emptied it or because he hasn't actually responded to any approaches. I can't discuss this with anyone in RL and am sitting here with the children. My IT skills aren't that good, does anyone know how I can find out more about his activity on this site. Then what do I do, ask him about it when he's already lied to me or let it run and watch to see what happens. I can't believe that I'm one of these women that this kind of thing happens to.

OP posts:

DforDiva · 01/03/2008 11:03

Sorry, Im not IT person either. But i would talk to him again. Obviously its him who is seeking woman. So he got to explain this.
I hope you get sorted.

LilRedWG · 01/03/2008 11:03

No advice I'm afraid, but bump!

You don't need to name change on here (unless you know people in RL), you know - you have nothing to be ashamed of!

WallOfSilence · 01/03/2008 11:04

What a fucker.

I'm sorry for you afww.

I think I would have to talk to him about it, but have your answers ready for when he asks you why you were in his e-mail.

He has lied to you, can you live with this?

WallOfSilence · 01/03/2008 11:05

IS there any times/dates on the site to say when he last visited? Or 'threads I'm on' type buttons?

madamez · 01/03/2008 11:05

How did you feel about your marriage before this happened? How did you think your DH was feeling? Do you think, for instance, that his comments online about the state of your marriage are remotely true?
Further rummaging in his email will not make any difference, you have to talk to your husband face to face and, hard though it is, you have to try to talk calmly about what you both want. Do you want him to remain in a monogamous relationship with you, or do you want to throw him out for even thinking about sex with someone else. What does he want? Ideally you need to be looking for a solution that suits both of you.

WallOfSilence · 01/03/2008 11:06

Rationally I agree with madamez, but also know I am that big of a hotheat I couldn't discuss this without yelling

Hopefully you'll be more able to do that than me

WallOfSilence · 01/03/2008 11:06

hot head

MAMAZON · 01/03/2008 11:12

I am a spitefull vindictive bitch.

I would access his account and alter his details.

at some point on the page i would put in bold Marriage is over as wife found out i am on here

when he see's it he will know and it will then be up to him to try and figure out a way of speaking to you.

I would, meanwhile carry on as normal.

but as i say, i am a bitch

Lauriefairycake · 01/03/2008 11:12

Really sorry

Concentrate on what you know what for a fact, it's bad enough. He has put a profile on a website seeking a marital affair, he has made unpleasant comments about your relationship.

He may have set up his email to delete them automatically or he may just have read and responded and then deleted them. If you are in any doubt that he's up for it and have a close, real life girlfriend, you could get her to email him from a fake email address. Or you could.

If it was me I would be concentrating on what I know and I would be talking to him. If he was just generally a cock and my relationship was over, this would be enough for me to go. That's me, not you. If he's normally a good guy and you have a good relationship then you need to talk.

Good luck

madamez · 01/03/2008 11:20

A lot does depend on the state of the relationship before the OP's discovery. But there must have been something wrong for the man to have been accessing this website and complaining about his marriage.

MAMAZON · 01/03/2008 11:24

Or maybe set your own account up for this site, then message him through it saying
"funny meeting you here"

jenk1 · 01/03/2008 12:22

feel for you afww.

and im in shock that theres an actual site specifically for people seeking affairs.

i wouldnt be able to hold back and would have to confront him but also think mamazon,s approach would be useful and would give him a huge shock.

sorry dont have any more advice but as the wife of someone who regularly cheated on me i know exactly how you feel.

please keep posting we are all here for you

jen
x

ggglmpp · 01/03/2008 12:23

I love mamzon's first suggestion. I would do that.

ladytophamhatt · 01/03/2008 12:31

God, Mamazon you're good...really good!

I'd deffo do the first suggestion, I have no other advise really. Sorry.

Actually what made you look through his history? did you hae a faint idea somethibg was up?

winniethewino · 01/03/2008 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScruffyTeddy · 01/03/2008 12:35

I would be setting up a profile on that site with a fake email addy. I would then be contacting him (as some other woman obviously, not yourself). Then I would have concrete proof before I confronted him about it.

littlewoman · 01/03/2008 12:45

You must feel like the bottom just fell out of your world. I'm very sad for you, and know what that feels like.

AitchTwoOh · 01/03/2008 12:52

how awful. i think madamez is right, tbh, this must be a symptom of something (that the marriage was in trouble? that he's a twat?). i don't know how i'd feel about trapping him or changing his details etc. i think i'd be too devastated for that just yet.
you know what he's done, whether he's met someone yet or it's just a fantasy thing for him, that's less important than trying to work out if you two want to be together still.

Judy1234 · 01/03/2008 13:40

Print out and keep copies or email to an account of your own (in case things get worse).

What has he said about the state of the marriage? My ex husband thought we were fine (idiot) but we certainly weren't in my view. You can get two people with very different views of how a marriage is.

He probably has deleted emails he sent but they may be incorporated into replies from people (I don't know that site though so I can't be sure). Also check his deleted items folders and the recycle bin. You can buy software to install on a PC which logs the key strokes - the words typed.

All this is illegal - you going into his in box etc, a criminal offence so just be a bit careful. I know one wife who not only sued her husband during the divorce for doing this but also got him investigated by the data protection people.

ScruffyTeddy · 01/03/2008 13:49

If I was the op, I would want to know if this is just a fantasy thing for him, maybe he doesn't reply and its some kind of ego boost, which is why I suggested what I did.

chocolatespiders · 01/03/2008 13:56

oh how awful for you > so sorry

i would do what mamazon suggested.. he deserves it and more.

skidoodle · 01/03/2008 14:10

You don't need IT skills to get through this. You know what you know: that your husband has signed up to an extra-marital affairs site and that he lied to you about it.

The only possible computer-based thing you might consider doing is forwarding yourself a copy of the e-mail and possibly taking some screenshots of the pages in his profile that you've seen. But even then, if you need to confront him with evidence to get him to talk to you, you know you're in serious trouble.

Where you go from here is to talk to him about it. Why has he signed up? Why did he lie about it? Any refusal to talk about it or be open with you can only be met by your starting to think seriously about whether the marriage can continue.

Original poster

adviceforworriedwife · 01/03/2008 16:00

I didn't go into his email account or check the history. I was looking at a file on his computer which he had asked me to do and a popup appeared in the corner with the details of the email which indicated where the email was from. This is why I clicked on it and it took me through to the website. I've tackled him on it and he's beside himself - says he's a victim of identity theft and that there's nothing wrong with our marriage, he's happy with us and sees his future with me. I don't know what to think. I was wondering whether he should go to the police if he really thinks he's a victim of identity theft.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2008 16:33

He now says he is a victim of identity theft - am sorry but I am even mor esuspicious of him now. ID theft usually consists of accessing financial details, has anything of this nature actually been compromised?.

Why did he feel that he had to look at such a website in the first place?. These things do not happen unintentionally or by accident, he went looking for such a thing.

He's acting like this because he's been rumbled. Trust your instincts here.

Has anything at all changed re him behaviour wise - has he become far more protective of his mobile phone for instance.

If he won;t go to Relate go on your own.

RosaIsRed · 01/03/2008 16:39

I think you should certainly suggest to him that he contact the police about the alleged identity theft. Offer to do it for him. Or even better, tell him that you have done so and that a police officer will be calling him to discuss it.
I would also, as others have suggested, set up my own profile on the site and contact him. You will soon see if it is really him or not.
Bottom line, he is lying to you and he is taking you for a mug. Don't fall for it.

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