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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband is seeking affair

50 replies

adviceforworriedwife · 01/03/2008 10:57

I've just found out the above. I'm a regular but have namechange for this and you'll see why.

A few months on dh's history I noticed he'd looked at a site called maritalaffair.co.uk. I was horrified and asked him about it. His response was that he'd used one of his email accounts at an internet cafe and that someone was using it to register for this site. I didn't like it but accepted this because I thought that we generally had a good marriage. While I was on his computer today an email came in from a woman who was accessing him from this site and attached was his login details. I've had a look and it seems that whilst he's only signed up for the basic membership that he's put his profile on the site so I know it's definitely him and no-one else and also made some quite unpleasant comments about the state of our marriage to explain why he was looking for an affair. I'm sitting here in disbelief. He's had loads of emails sent through but his sent box is empty. I don't know whether that's just because he's emptied it or because he hasn't actually responded to any approaches. I can't discuss this with anyone in RL and am sitting here with the children. My IT skills aren't that good, does anyone know how I can find out more about his activity on this site. Then what do I do, ask him about it when he's already lied to me or let it run and watch to see what happens. I can't believe that I'm one of these women that this kind of thing happens to.

OP posts:

missingtheaction · 01/03/2008 16:43

If were the duty sergeant and he arrived claiming ID theft I'd laugh! You could trap him by setting up a false profile yourself but it's a bit dodgy

If it is id theft but he has all teh login details then he can get himself removed from the site immediately.

If he was really posting there, sounds like he was just testing the water - is he feeling a bit unloved/unappreciated at the moment?

I'm with madamez - have a serious think about your marriage from his pov and why he might have done this, and what you want longterm, before you do anything drastic

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/03/2008 16:44

I'm a bit like Mamazon- I'd be determined to catch him out and make him squirm. Trouble is, you've given him a head's up, cos he knows you know about this! I'd have been far sneakier- told him one of my friends was joining this site, she must be mad, bunch of saddos, wonder who she'll meet.....! laughed about it, while watching him squirm and panic! then you would have a cast iron excuse for knowing his details were there without being seen to be spying, IYKWIM. You now either need to confront him or continue to do some background snooping. If you decide to investigate further, you will need him to believe that you are no longer suspicious. Be outraged for him, and encourage him to go to the police or contact the site, with you at his side, see what his reaction is. If he actually HAS been the victim of ID theft, then you have been supportive, and if he hasn't you will make him look like an idiot!

But then, I am a devious cow. My DH says its like being married to Columbo!

Judy1234 · 01/03/2008 18:59

I'm puzzling over what it is. Sometimes people do pretend to be other people online - it's quite common, as a joke or to annoy a colleague etc so it is possible.

But what is he saying? That someone not him typed a profile with his details and marriage problems and put it on line linked to his confidential hotmail address? Who would do that?

morningpaper · 01/03/2008 19:03

It it was true, he could have just changed his hotmail password and the matter would be finished. Sorry x

PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 01/03/2008 19:10

deffo go to the police

reindeermum · 01/03/2008 19:11

What did he say about your marriage exactly?

v good idea pushing to get police in if he is using id theft story.

dittany · 01/03/2008 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judy1234 · 01/03/2008 19:22

If the web site turned up on your computer in his web cache or whatever then he was on that site. He might have been on it to try to stop the identity theft. One issue is whether you want to back him into a corner? Would you like to push him into leaving for example? Look at what you want to achieve. you might have worried him enough to stop but why not talk through with him these supposed problems in the marriage.

dittany · 01/03/2008 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/03/2008 19:32

Ooh dittany- I use the opposite approach to the broken record techinque!! I let him think he has got away with it, be nice just until he is relaxed and then BAM! Put him on the spot- my DH crumples like a pile of cards . He is too terrified to lie to me now!

Kimi · 01/03/2008 19:53

what a pig

Kimi · 01/03/2008 19:58

Tell us all his account details and we will spam the shit out of him

HansieMom · 01/03/2008 20:25

there is a key you can hit which will copy that page and you can paste it into a Word document. On my computer it is on top row, 4th from right, and it says Prt Scr Sys Req. You click it and it copies what is on the screen. Then go to Word and open up a new document and click Paste. Then Save it, give it a title, something like: what IS he doing?

This is a good way to get a copy of anything, like if you get a confirmation letter from a company on something you ordered. It's a very useful thing to know.

postingatlast · 01/03/2008 22:29

I'm always a tiny bit suspicious of posts which name a website in full but if my suspicions are unfounded i sincerely apologise to the OP.

there all number of trojans and viruses which can steal info and parts of your identity but the profile on this website of your DH would have to be done by a human hand. I certainly do not believe that someone would have put the profile up in his place, unless it was someone with an axe to grind. With the easy availability of web email addresses, no one needs to borrow or steal one.

the important thing now is to find out what lied behind his behaviour, as has been suggested before, and also to ascertain what his true intentions were. On a sliding scale from very mild curiosity to full blown affair, passing via fantasy and ego boost, only you both will know what you will be able to do to come through this.

Judy1234 · 01/03/2008 22:46

And also look at the problems in the marriage which he apparently thinks there are, whether you're having sex enough, how often do you do things just the two of you etc.

Original poster

adviceforworriedwife · 02/03/2008 07:27

The reason I put the full message is so that anyone with the IT know how could give me advice as to how I could find out a bit more about what is going on because I'm not very good with this sort of thing. The membership was a basic one that someone needed to register for in order to look at the profiles. It doesn't look like it was ever upgraded which would have been necessary for dh to contact anyone or respond to any emails. He's terrified saying that he can't understand why someone would put his details on the website. I don't know if he's truly worried about this or scared he's going to lose us. He keeps reassuring me that it's me he wants and that he wouldn't do anything to jeopardise our marriage. In truth, though, I do think that he posted on the website whether just to look at the profiles for curiosity or just to see if he got any responses. Quite honestly, we don't have much of a life, we're a couple with young children, no money and no family to help us with anything including babysitting and even I'm a bit worn down by it all. Maybe he did want a bit of relief from it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

adviceforworriedwife · 02/03/2008 07:28

That should be full website address.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 02/03/2008 08:25

I don't think what he's done in that case is particularly bad if it stops now. May be you could both look at some porn on line instead which is free of charge and could be something you do together.

Alexa808 · 02/03/2008 15:08

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

I work in the City and on the trading desks all key strokes are recorded and can be extracted and used as testimony in case of any wrong doing. It costs a bomb (in one case 25k, but it's deadly).

There are devices on the market which you can plug into the back of his PC which record every stroke he makes and place them together in texts. You'll get a password and will receive all the data captured on the device in a text format.

www.keyghost.com/products.htm

is one we've used in the office.

A cheaper method would be: www.freedownloadscenter.com/Search/key_logger.html

I cannot give you advice if you should wait or not, though I probably wouldn't have the patience and hit the bastard already.

lottymadbird · 02/03/2008 15:19

can you sign up yourself to this website, pretend to be someone looking for an affair, email him and see if he responds?

dont do this unless you can deal with the consequences though....

Tamz77 · 02/03/2008 17:47

The sneakier you can be the better. I was with an out-and-out liar who would look me straight in the eye, tell me he loved me and then feed me any one of many very serious lies. I managed to prove only one of these to be lies and I did that by being sneaky and getting evidence behind his back, something he couldn't argue against. That particular lie wasn't about infidelity but there were possible infidelity issues eg I found his profile on a dating site - the exact same profile, word for word, that we'd met under, only without a photo - I could and should have honey-trapped him but instead I faced him with it, "honey how could you do this" etc etc, he insisted and will insist until his dying breath it wasn't him, he said as your OH did that it must be someone else using his details. Though why anyone would bother doing this beats me; you couldn't actually meet anyone could you, if you were borrowing the height, weight, birth date, hair colour etc of another guy...

So sorry you are going through this but if you feel you need more evidence one way or the other remember always keep one step ahead and DO NOT SHOW YOUR HAND. Your other option is to do the sitting and talking thing but this IMHO is almost impossible when you suspect lying.

Good luck and strong hugs x x

Oblomov · 02/03/2008 18:19

Identity theft. Oh please. he is clearly desperate. If his first reaction is to say somethinglike that, then he is only digging himself deeper.
I find afww's post of 7.27 very worrying. She seems to be talking herself out of how serious this is.
Have you actually tackled him and asked him specific questions , say about what he had written about your marriage.
He has to admit and face up to what he has done first, if he has indedd done anything wrong, before you can take this any further.

nkf · 02/03/2008 18:33

Identity theft is obviously nonsense. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. It could be fantasy which is a problem but not necessarily as bad as a full blown affair. I think you have two choices: either pretend to believe him and snoop some more or tell him flat out that you don't believe him and stick at that until he tells you something that makes sense.

Oblomov · 02/03/2008 18:39

"Quite honestly, we don't have much of a life, we're a couple with young children, no money and no family to help us with anything including babysitting and even I'm a bit worn down by it all. Maybe he did want a bit of relief from it all. "
It may be that life is not at its best right now. But that does not excuse going on to an affir site. he has disses/criticised your marriage - obviously you saw it differently and was shocked/saddened to hear him say it was ... what-ever he said/ belittle it.
And then to lie. And claim identity fraud?
He has to admit it first. Is he still claiming that soemoen else has set him up and entered personal detilas about his marriage ?
Call his bluff and tell him you will call the police.
Is his natutal personality to lie, rather than to face up to things.
HE HAS TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
he has to talk about how he felt and what led him to do this.

Judy1234 · 02/03/2008 18:52

He doesn't have to but I suppose she could say she's leaving if he doesn't or he may have had enough of a shock about this he will stop and they can just get on with things and improve their relationship, a wake up call.

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