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Original poster

Am I overreacting or is this assault?

26 replies

Gnomie93 · 26/08/2023 14:47

I had invited my long term friend over for ‘fun’, it was a rebound situationship following a bad break up so my mind probably wasn’t in the right place.

we started to fool around, and just before he tried to put his penis in, I told him to put on a condom, he replied ‘Not yet’ and then proceeded to continue without, I put my hand on him and said ‘condom’ again. He proceeded to collapse his chest against me and carry on. At this point I just allowed it to happen and he quickly pulled out and ejaculate. I was abit dazed and confused but acted my normal self throughout the night.

I obviously woke up and got teary and instantly went to get the emergency contraceptive. I text him saying he shouldn’t have not put a condom on and he said ‘sorry I’ll pay for half’.

is this assault? I have now blocked him on every platform.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 26/08/2023 14:50

Yes-you did not consent. So it was assault.

category12 · 26/08/2023 14:50

Yes.

ohsuzannah · 26/08/2023 14:53

That is rape I'm afraid. Pulling out is not a great method of contraception anyway 🤦🏽‍♀️ Get the morning after pill!
Also you need to get checked for STD's
So sorry this happened to you Flowers

ohsuzannah · 26/08/2023 14:54

Sorry I didn't read the post properly 🙈

ImABox · 26/08/2023 14:55

Yes, I’m sorry it is. Whether you want to do anything about it or talk to anyone one is up to you and you can decide today or any time in the future. Just look after you today.

Original poster
Gnomie93 · 26/08/2023 14:57

I want to say, I know it seems really obvious - but you know when you’re just dumbfounded you need others to say it too… sorry if it seems idiotic

OP posts:
blacksax · 26/08/2023 15:02

You didn't consent. He raped you.

LBFseBrom · 26/08/2023 15:14

Apart from everything else, I hope he is no longer your 'friend'.

Jibbi · 26/08/2023 17:00

Sorry to say but yes, I would say so.

Not that I would without one as that's risky anyway, if a woman asked me to stop or put a condom on, you stop and do just that. Otherwise, it's not consented. He's not only carried on but he also weighted himself on you.

Assuming the pay half comment was about any possible child? If so that says it all too.

He's a wrongun and you should remove him from your life completely. Get yourself checked just in case.

Sorry, OP.

CollagenQueen · 26/08/2023 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Temporaryname158 · 26/08/2023 17:33

He raped you in my opinion. You had not consented and by leaning on top of you he restrained you, preventing you pushing him away. I’d call the police

TheGreatATuin · 26/08/2023 17:36

If you had a son / nephew / new boyfriend, who described this scenario to you, would you be happy to call him a rapist?
Yes, if my son refused to put on a condom multiple times after being asked and then put his weight on his partner, I would call it rape. I'd be absolutely horrified too.
I would genuinely hope that I have raised him better than that and it would never occur to him to override a woman's consent and he would be just as horrified as me at the idea.
All rapists are someone's son. What an odd thing to say.

HIVpos · 26/08/2023 17:46

The sex was consensual, the sex without a condom was not and you clearly stated twice you wanted him to use one. He did not and this laid you open to becoming pregnant and potentially contracting STIs and HIV. If it’s been less than 72 hours you could look at getting PEP (like the morning after pill but for HIV) https://www.tht.org.uk/hiv-and-sexual-health/pep-post-exposure-prophylaxis-hiv
Otherwise test as standard for STIs which can be done online through postal testing taking into account any window periods. https://sh24.org.uk/help-centre/when-should-I-test-for-STIs

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/sexual-consent/

What is sexual consent?

Consent happens when all people involved in any kind of sexual activity agree to take part by choice. They also need to have the freedom and capacity to make that choice.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/sexual-consent/

OhTheSilence · 26/08/2023 17:49

Yes I'm so sorry that was a sexual assault.
It's totally understandable that you felt confused about it as he was a 'friend' that you trusted but instead he pinned you in place and did what he wanted.
Take some time to process it. Do you have someone to confide in? Rape Crisis is very supportive.

monsteramunch · 26/08/2023 17:51

@CollagenQueen

If you had a son / nephew / new boyfriend, who described this scenario to you, would you be happy to call him a rapist?

If they were asked, let alone repeatedly, to wear a condom, refused to do so and then penetrated the woman without putting on a condom?

Yes I would call them a rapist. Because they have committed rape in my option - sex the woman has not consented to. Unprotected sex. Not only ignoring her right to consent but also putting her at risk of STIs and pregnancy.

This case is even more awful as he used his physical strength to ensure OP couldn't physically pull away, collapsing his chest against her.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 17:54

MN is very black and white when it comes to these things.

So is the law. It was rape.

You are doing you children a disservice if you are bringing them up to believe that this isn't rape.

Iamanisland · 26/08/2023 17:55

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 17:54

MN is very black and white when it comes to these things.

So is the law. It was rape.

You are doing you children a disservice if you are bringing them up to believe that this isn't rape.

Exactly.

@CollagenQueen can minimise all they like but the law is the law.

CatherinedeBourgh · 26/08/2023 17:56

There’s been court cases about this, and in the UK at least it’s definitely assault if not rape. You consented to sex with a condom, definitely not without. He had sex with you without your consent. It’s rape.

CollagenQueen · 26/08/2023 17:56

Fair enough.

I guess in the context of my first marriage, when this happened, I never felt assaulted, just annoyed at the pregnancy risk.

But of course, it only matters how the Op feels.

Magenta82 · 26/08/2023 17:56

He assaulted you, he is not your friend, I'm sorry that this happened to you.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/08/2023 17:56

If you've had sex with him many times - versus - this being the first time - I can see that that would make a difference as well.

I also thought that we (as a society) had moved on from claiming that giving consent once previously equates to ongoing consent forever more. Obviously not.

The idea that it's not rape if youve said yes to them before is one of the oldest rape myths around

blacksax · 26/08/2023 18:21

CollagenQueen · 26/08/2023 17:56

Fair enough.

I guess in the context of my first marriage, when this happened, I never felt assaulted, just annoyed at the pregnancy risk.

But of course, it only matters how the Op feels.

It isn't just that "it only matters how the Op feels."

It is the law. She consented to protected sex. She did not consent to sex without a condom. He continued anyway, without her consent.

When a woman repeatedly says no and the man continues and penetrates her without her consent, he is a rapist. End of.

sodthesodoff · 26/08/2023 18:33

I'm so sorry op. This is rape

You didn't consent to sex without a condom. You told him to stop several times.

Please can I suggest you contact rape crisis or your nearest SARC centre for some advice and support? You don't have to do anything. But they are properly trained to give you all the help you need including testing for stis and morning after pills.

Jammylou · 26/08/2023 20:31

Yes because he went ahead after you said no and you wanted to take protection.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 26/08/2023 20:33

I am sorry this has happened to you.
I think it is rape.