Why don’t I understand myself and how can I get better

[Shookethtothecore]

My husband says I am not balanced. Everything is either all positive or all negative. If there are 5 ways to see something I will see it the negative way (with regards to him)
that I don’t notice thinks are a problem untill the” world is on fire”, that I don’t take ownership for my mistakes and never apologise without a but.
I don’t notice these things in myself but how can I change my behaviours and why do I do these things
thank you

Do you need to change? You h sounds quite critical x

Does anyone else suggest you're the way he says you are? Because it's possible you're fine and he's the negative one.

Well first off, what are the sort of things he does/says that you are seeing negatively? If it's stuff that negatively impact you, it would be weird to see it in another way.

It's all about context, isn't it? Do you actually need to "get better" or is there something wrong in the relationship?

No one says these things about me but no one spends as much time with me. I have lots of friends and I’m a popular person but no one lives with me and sees me like this. This is my second marriage and my first left me so I know I do things that make people not love me

My knee-jerk reaction is that it’s not you, it’s him.

Have you asked your friends if they recognise that description of you?

Like what exactly?

If you get upset with him, what's the reason you're upset?
What are the mistakes you're making that you're not apologising for enough?

I’d be thinking hard about why my husband wants to convince me there’s something wrong with you. I’d bet my house the problem is him, not you.

No one recognises this discription of me but that’s because they don’t spend much time with me.
an example of me thinking the worse was I said I would be back from something and it over ran and I would assume that would upset him. I don’t want to be too outing here, sorry for being vague.
an apology from me is “sorry, it wasn’t my intention or I didn’t mean it like xyz” and that’s not a real apology is it.

Goodness, why is it always in my experience that women are the ones who go looking for solutions in relationships?
Why is it that we often accept blame for so many things, so called character flaws when all along it’s not necessarily all on us?

Sit down with your husband and talk. Ask him to outline specific examples & how HE can help you to unravel and support your reactions to stressors or circumstances.

I hope it can help you both to move forward together with a new understanding of the part he can play. It’s not all on you OP.

Hmm. None of that sounds terrible.

an example of me thinking the worse was I said I would be back from something and it over ran and I would assume that would upset him. I don’t want to be too outing here, sorry for being vague.

Does it usually upset him? But then on this occasion you thought he’d be upset and then he accused you of ‘thinking the worst of him’?

I don’t think it sounds terrible either but I ruin his mental health and make him unhappy and un appreciated and I don’t want to do that to anyone. I know I can’t be without fault and I just want to not be the one who makes someone else so unhappy

And you’re not going to be outing - we do t know you and it’s unlikely anyone would recognise you. But some details and clarity would help because at the moment who knows if it’s you or him - we can’t advise without at least a bit of specific detail to go on.

Has he form for getting upset if you're late? If you hadn't seemed worried about how he would react, do you think he'd have given you stick anyway?

If, for example, he's taken something you've said the wrong way, then that sort of apology might be on point.

but I ruin his mental health and make him unhappy and un appreciated and I don’t want to do that to anyone.
Is that what he says? He sounds really manipulative to me, to be honest. If you're so awful, why is he still there?

my issue as I feel he over reacts on things so I expect it to blow up. I’m not often late on things if I say I’m going to be there I will be there and this over ran and I couldn’t get away and he did tell me he had to leave at a certain time. I expect things to blow up because in my opinion lots blow up a lot of the time

When he "blows up", what does that look like?

Is everything always your fault?

This is where I get very confused. As he said I twist things and I’m manipulating situations and I don’t stick to facts. I just pick an opinion and claim it as fact and defend

I expect things to blow up because in my opinion lots blow up a lot of the time

Yup, as I expected then it’s him not you. He’s got you walking on eggshells. Everything is your fault - you “ruin his mental health and make him unhappy and un appreciated “.

He’s controlling you, manipulating you.

Do you think you do that?

Sounds like someone is gaslighting someone in this relationship, and I'm not sure it's you.

This is a well recognised tactic of abusive controlling men. It’s called DARVO. Deny. Attack. Reverse Offender (i.e he’ll say that what you think he is doing - manipulating - is actually what you are doing to him.)

It feels like everything is my fault. I have tried to tell him I feel like I’m under a lot of criticism and that makes me feel that everything will be criticised. I am not as smart as him and my memory isn’t as good so I’m sure that’s frustrating.

arguments are brutal. He says the most horiffic things. I push him to those levels but I don’t know I am doing it ans this is what I’m trying to fix.
I am no angel. I must be doing things to cause this reaction but if you’re not aware of it how can I change it.

I push him to those levels but I don’t know I am doing it ans this is what I’m trying to fix.
I am no angel. I must be doing things to cause this reaction

IT IS NOT YOU!

Please talk to a trusted friend about what your husband says to you.

I couldn’t live like this OP. It sounds like you can’t do right for trying.

Okay - so it sounds like he’s annoyed that you think he will overreact (which you say is based on frequent experience of him overreacting) and, rather than this just being a bit irritating for him, you thinking he will overreact is damaging to his mental health (which sounds a bit like another overreaction to me). He sounds extremely tricky to handle. You sound - unsurprisingly perhaps - very quick to accept fault and to twist yourself into knots to try and sort this out. Is this the right man for you, do you think?

Op, it’s not clear if you are doing these things or not. I would suggest exploring black and white thinking (see article).

but if this really doesn’t sound like you, then your partner may be gaslighting you. Do a bit of exploration and have a think. It could also be both of you, relating in unhelpful ways. Perhaps explore with a counsellor if you can afford to.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/black-and-white-thinking