Why don’t I understand myself and how can I get better

[Shookethtothecore]

My husband says I am not balanced. Everything is either all positive or all negative. If there are 5 ways to see something I will see it the negative way (with regards to him)
that I don’t notice thinks are a problem untill the” world is on fire”, that I don’t take ownership for my mistakes and never apologise without a but.
I don’t notice these things in myself but how can I change my behaviours and why do I do these things
thank you

I have no choice. I have small children and I don’t think I’m strong enough to separate from him. I don’t work for a start, so practically I wouldn’t be able to cope let alone emotionally.

Oh Christ, @Shookethtothecore - it’s clear from your update that you’re in an abusive relationship. He says the most horrific things but you think it’s all your fault. It most definitely isn’t. Was your first relationship abusive?

I think it's too easy these days to use husbands/BFS as scapegoats for everything so he could have a point.

Why don't you do some self-guided CBT? I found it incredibly useful. I learned when I was catastrophising, when I was ruminating (which I'd always thought was a positive attribute!), when I was using black and white thinking, mind reading, projecting etc. It was so helpful to learn how to balance my thinking. Pretty much overnight I became a lot less sensitive and a lot less hard work when i realised how unhealthy some of my thought patterns were. If yours are too, you'll spot them. If not, maybe it is him not you.

I used Mind Gym an Australian online programme. It used to be free but i think you now have to pay. There may be other free online resources in UK now.

Thank you. That’s really helpful I will try that . And the PP who posted the link above to black and white thinking.
I am taking onboard all opinions but I am
not ready to commit to it being him manipulating ect me untill I can say I tried everything.

Are they his children?

Can you work towards getting back to work?

You do know that no one is responsible for the level of another person's anger? His anger is his responsibility. How he reacts when frustrated or upset, whether reasonably or not, is entirely within his control, not yours. Bear this in mind when being accommodating. I think some compromise and behavioural flexibility is a part of a good marriage, but it has to go both ways. Not just him demanding you change without acknowledging that he also needs to calm down.

arguments are brutal. He says the most horiffic things. I push him to those levels but I don’t know I am doing it ans this is what I’m trying to fix.

There's no excuse for saying horrific things to you - and you're not responsible for his words to you. He chooses them, he's responsible for them.

It's classic for the abuse victim to be told they provoke the abuser, it's their fault, they drive them to it. Maybe it's not that you're this terrible person, but he is.

Whatever the wrong or right of his accusations, your relationship has a fatal way of dealing with disagreements and problems and has no chance of surviving if that continues. Take it from one who’s been there and knows.

Having read your posts, it sounds very much like he is manipulating you, and that you're in an abusive marriage.

Ask yourself a few questions:
Does he treat you like his equal?
Does he trest you with respect?
Do you feel loved and supported every day by this man?

Because you should. Or

Does he do things that upset you, then when you (very reaosnably) get upset, he accuses you of being emotional / too sensitive / always causing arguements?

Does he tell you that you shouldn't be upset or worried about things?

Does he have very different memories of things you're pretty certain you recall, telling you that you have a terribel memory and he's always right?

Does he tell you one thing one day, and another thing another day? Like one day he gets upset because you're late home (he shouldn't, you're a grown woman who shouldn't have a curfew), then when you mention it, he tells you you're wrong and imagine these things?

Does he hold you to different standards to himself? eg
You have to be home at a certain time / he doesn't,
You have to show him 'respect' but he doesn't show you respect?,
He can spend money on what he thinks is right but you have to ask first?
He can make decisions on behalf of the family but you can't?
If he's angry / upset it's because of something YOU did, but if you're angry / upset, it's in your head (never something he did).

Honestly, reading your posts I'm worried for you. He is messing with your head. He's done it to the extent that you think you have a bad memory / get too emotional / don't know right from wrong - that is abuse. And it gets worse, not better. I imagine that if you got away from him, you would find your head starts to clear and you would realise you aren't going mad- it's him driving you that way (intentionally, because he's abusive).

Remember - it takes two people to make a good relationship. Both acting respectfully, with love, care and support, and putting the same effort in (mentally and physically).

Do you have someone IRL you could confide the truth in? All of the truth? Because I think people IRL will tell you that you are a decent person who is none of things your husband says.

Remember if you split you are entitled to (as a starting point) half of all of yours / his savings and assets. Don't let him convince you that it's 'his'. It's equally yours.

And please keep talking on here. But don't let him know you are. Logout and keep your history and password safe.

My ex would get the rage if I used the wrong ‘tone’ of voice with him. He even said that he didn’t think I even knew that I did it (I really didn’t). Once I angered him by just calling him from another room, (so rude, so rude he stormed).

He said it makes him see red, but that he would try not to get so angry.

I was telling my therapist about this. She just looked at me and said ‘the wrong tone of voice?’ She was incredulous.

She explained it was a way of diverting the conversation away from whatever I was saying. We would end up arguing about how I had said something, not what I had said.

Just the way she said it opened my eyes. I can’t believe that I put up with this for so long in my marriage.

Just because your partner says something, doesn’t mean it’s true. I was also accused of catastrophising (if I didn’t agree with him) and black and white thinking (if I didn’t agree with him).

Try a well qualified therapist. If you are the problem they will tell you.

@perfectcolourfound Are you my therapist? Penny?

No, you don't ruin his mental health. He's worn you down into believing everything is your fault. He wants to to bend to his will all the time.

You have small children and you don’t work so you’re understandably feeling very vulnerable and wanting to see if it’s genuinely something you’re doing which can be fixed or whether it’s him. I think it’s pretty clear from the behaviour you have described that he is abusive. None of us is perfect - we all do things that irritate our life partners - but the huge anxiety he is generating in you and the horrible arguments and saying of horrific things are not normal and strongly suggest that he is not a safe and healthy partner for you.

“No, you don't ruin his mental health. He's worn you down into believing everything is your fault. He wants to to bend to his will all the time.”

And this.

Thank you all. I feel so insecure. Which I’m sure plays into the way I think. The way I feel so defensive and I struggle to apologise well and I focus on the negative. It’s because he makes me feel so insecure.

which is the total opposite to who I am in social settings ect. He makes me feel insecure and has done for years. This is why I have some of these issues. I think anyway. How can we fix this

Op I can tell you without even knowing you that this is not your character flaws and is your DH manipulating you.

I am 8 months into therapy now to "fix" myself as requested by my DP - my therapist keeps coming back to how I can recognise what's my stuff and what is actually my DPs stuff. She is working on my low self esteem and has pointed out that I have been painted into a particular role in my relationship "The Crazy One" but just because that's what I am being told, doesn't mean it's true.

If your partner makes you feel insecure, they are wrong for you. One measure of a good long-term relationship is that you feel secure and supported. Your DP sounds very tricky and quite unpleasant. And you are too dependent on him which is making you feel powerless and focused on fixing yourself. Do you intend to return to paid employment soon?

I retrained a year ago and have set up my own little business. I’m really proud of it but it’s pocket money. There’s no way I could earn enough to live off it.

Sounds more like you're walking on eggshells trying to manage his moods. Feeling the need to explain your behaviour so he doesn't 'misunderstand' your intentions.

And now he's even getting on at you for walking on eggshells.

Op this relationship doesn't sound healthy.

And I'd bet that some of these times he accuses you of overthinķing or overreacting is because he's done something unfair af and is trying to convince you you aren't allowed to be bothered by it.

Read up on gaslighting and on emotional abuse in general. See if it rings any bells. If it dies, DO NOT tell him ( He will reverse it on you). But take steps to get away from him.

'We' can't fix anything if one part of that we doesn't want to.

Also - you can't change yourself to fix him.

Why do you need to change for someone who in your own words- 'had been making you feel insecure for years' anyway?

He doesn't sound like your partner, he sounds like your bully.

I struggle to apologise well

Listen to yourself. You’re fixated on this because he is demanding a better quality of apologies from you. You’re not grovelling enough for his liking. People are telling you that he’s manipulating you but you’re not listening.

Read what @TheGoodBanana and @Pinkbonbon have just written. Maybe you need therapy to help you understand this. But the problem is NOT that your apologies to him are not good enough. You sound very, very downtrodden and he has done that to you.